Title: Keith and the Country Getaway (almost)

Author: Keith-Starbright-Exists

Genre: General/Comedy

Rating: R

Summary: Keith, Suzi, Becca, Charlotte and Wifery set off on a journey to St John's in the vale but somehow they end up at Hogwarts.

Disclaimer: I don't own nothing, not Harry Potter nor Keith Starbright so don't sue please. Any references to God aren't meant to offend anyone, they are purely for the story, if you have a problem with this then don't read it!

Dedications: To Becca, couldn't have done it without you and your persuasion, to my alter-ego Montgomery, without you I wudn't have started this, to Kat and Steph who just act randomly weird, to Laura and her bad Irish accent, to Charlotte who is just a crazy kid, to Sarah D who sits outside KFC with me, to Wifery (Taylor Valentine) for being a porn star nun and to Dave the monkey for the Keith Starbright thing. Luv ya all!!! big over-exagerrated kisses to everyone

Feel free to ignore the bad jokes, they are just there cuz i was looking at bad jokes. :-)

There will be a character death but it isn't as obvious as you may think as you read.

Anyway on with the malarky!

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"Keith Starbright!" shouted a furious red headed girl by the the name of Ginny Weasley, "I know your in there. What are you doing?" A closed door lay shut in her face as muffled voices came from within the room. A few moments later the door opened and there stood Keith, Fred and George all with innocently innocent looks upon their usually mischevious faces. (First sign of trouble)

"What is it dear? We were just checking the toilets to make sure that they worked errr safely" says Keith whilst leading Ginny away towards the Gryffindor common room, where a group of rebel first years were attempting to set fire to a portrait of the great Barnabus Freebly, first wizard in Antarctica.

"How come I don't believe you then?" asked Ginny once they had moved away from Fred and George.

"Because you're not very trusting maybe!" replied Keith, his only answer was a slap across the face and the sound of angry footsteps and curses all the way up the girls' staircase.

"How's it coming you guys?" asked Becca removing her face from a pan full of pickled onion and chive pancake batter.

"Soon she will forgive me, soon I will get her to be mine" replied Keith in a very Suzi like manner.

"Yes because that didn't at all sound bad to those at home did it Keith?" Becca said before grabbing her wand and removing the pancake batter from her face, "I'm bored!" she said suddenly. "Lets have a joke contest whilst we wait for Harry and that lot to get back from that super secret important meeting that they are having in the kitchens about who is the traitor amongst us!" Keith agreed and pulled Suzi, Wifery and Charlotte in for the game.

"Why did the witch put her broom in the washing machine?" Becca starts whilst everyone else shrugs, "she wanted to have a clean sweep!" Laughter broke out between the friends but one look of conufsion came from Charlotte.

"I don't get it!" Charlotte screamed into the masses.

"Never mind Charlotte, tell us your joke" Keith replied with a gesture for her to stand up. Charlotte decided to stay sat down as she had consumed a lot of alcohol that day, though no more than any other day but no less than any other day.

"How do you know if the teacher loves you?" Charlotte said with a smirk, "he/she puts kisses by all your sums" The brat pack burst out laughing at the ridiculousness of the joke.

"Well then everyone minus Becca must be extrememly loved" Suzi quipped before bursting into a fit of giggles herself. After 20 minutes and a threat of no beer if Suzi and Becca didn't stop rolling all over the floor, Keith made his joke known to the group.

"Why do cannibals like motorway cafes?" after this a few shouts came out proclaiming that they knew this one, "because they serve all sorts of drivers in them!" finished Keith.

"That wasn't funny" shouted Wifery whilst Keith sat down grumpily.

"Well then lets see whether you can do better" challenged Keith.

"Fine then...erm...why are babies so jolly?" shrugs were seen all round, "because they're so full of nappiness!" Groans could be heard throughout the room.

"Oooooh my go, my go! What do devil's drink?" said Suzi with an evil smirk on her face.

"Demonade!" shouted Becca.

"That may be what the joke books say but technically it isn't correct, i drink beer aswell and i've never heard of this so called demonade!" ranted Suzi whilst stamping her feet and causing a small earthquake.

"Erm guys...I think we kinda have a problem with the contest" Charlotte said breaking Suzi's concentration on her ranting, "No one was judging it...so technically no one has won or lost...we did it for nothing!" Growls of frustration were heard from around the room as the trio plus Malfoy walked through the portrait hole.

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Later on, Suzi, Becca and Harry are left in the Gryffindor common room, with nothing to do.

"Hey! Do you want me to teach you both to play quidditch?" asked Harry as a white dove flew in through the window and landed before Suzi.

"Of course I would Harry" Becca replied whilst batting her eyelashes, "What's the dove for Suzi?" Suzi pulled a letter from the dove and said,

"Rain check?" Suzi said whilst getting up from her seat "I have a chess game with God, have fun you two" Suzi added as she grinned suspiciously at Becca and left in a flash of lightning.

"Wow everyone but us has lives, I mean Ron is studying with Hermione, Luna and Neville have gone on a quest for the truth behind monkeys wearing spandex, Fred and George are doing some sort of pranks somewhere, Charlotte and her booze are off becoming drunked, Keith is trying to get Ginny to talk to him, my parents, Sirius and Remus were making a life size paper mache Millenium Falcon last time I saw them and Wifery and Malfoy are somewhere taming snakes," Harry said whilst Becca giggled at the last line.

"Well lets go down to the quidditch pitch and have some fun of our own" Becca replied whilst dragging Harry through the portrait hole.

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A corridor full of light lay ahead of Suzi, as she walked towards her destination, Limbo.

"You made it I see" a cheerful voice spoke out from somewhere in the deserted wasteland, also known as Limbo.

"I showed, now what was so important that you had to send your right hand dove to come and get me?" Suzi added her facial features hardening into a glare as a figure stepped out from a shadow.

"I figured out something" God answered.

"Well done you've finally figured out that i'm better than you" replied Suzi sarcastically.

"I figured out a way to make my world perfect" God smugly said.

"Oh yeah, and you don't think i'll stop you" snorted Suzi in a very unlady-like way.

"Well my dear, you will be dead and all your followers forced into the harsh light of day" said God whilst taking a blue fireball out of his pocket.

"You haven't been able to do this before, why now?" Suzi asked whilst cautiously looking at the fireball.

"Because you will be powerless forever, as you are in limbo, as soon as this fireball touches your skin" Suzi darted for the door only to find that God was standing there.

"Don't fight it" God said as he threw the fireball at Suzi, she ducked, "You see your friends won't even miss you, you're nothing" flashes came into Suzi's brain of her friends at this moment in time.

flash

In the library, Hermione and Ron are snuggled closely in the restricted section "reading books"

flash

On the quidditch pitch, Becca flying trying to catch the snitch as Harry cheers her on.

flash

In the forest, Luna and Neville talking to some monkey's in pink spandex catsuits.

flash

In the Slytherin common room, Malfoy and Wifery are making the snakes dance to the macarena.

flash

In the Gryffindor common room, Ginny and Keith are snuggling in front of the fire talking quietly.

flash

In the astronomy tower, Charlotte is singing the sugar song on her back with an array of empty booze bottles spread around her.

flash

In the girls' dorm, Fred and George are blowing up the beds and putting whipped cream all over everything.

flash

In Remus' office, Lily, James, Sirius and Remus are attempting to make a life size Millenium Falcon.

flash

Back to reality, Suzi darts out of the exit of limbo and manages to apparate to a deserted muggle pub.

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Wifery had been taming snakes for hours on end, and now it was just plain boring, excusing herself from Malfoy's presence, she walked to the apparation point and apparated to a muggle pub that she used to go to. There she found Suzi nearly swimming in her beer.

"What's wrong sweetie?" asked Wifery when Suzi showed no signs of acknowledging her presence.

"God has found a way to defeat me" replied Suzi looking even more unhappy as she said it. Wifery sat there dumbfounded thinking how is this possible?

As the girls were thinking to themselves a dashing bartender came up to them and asked what they wanted. Of course the answer was the strongest thing you've got and leave the bottle. The man brought their drinks and tapped Suzi in the hand saying it may never happen. Too late did either girl realise that this was God and that he had just put the blue fireball on Suzi's skin. As Suzi collapsed, he turned to Wifery and said that she would be sane, and with that all the crazyness in Wifery had gone. All that was left was a boring empty shell of a Wifery and a helpless Suzi. God advanced towards them.........

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"Surprise!" shouted the guests as a shocked looking Ginny Weasley stepped onto the grass surrounding Hogwarts. Birthday decorations and banners were put up so that they shouted things such as 'happy birthday' and 'haha you're old' at Ginny when she walked under them.

Many kinds of unhealthy foods were put onto the tables surrounding the party area, a big pile of presents lay in one corner, but something seemed wrong. Very wrong.

"Have you seen Suzi or Wifery?" asked Keith, "They said that they'd be here to help with the decorations but they never showed up"

"What's wrong?" Ginny asked as Keith escorted her away with reassurances that everything was fine.

The sun started to shine a little brighter and people started to smile, well those that weren't evil in some way. What was going on? It was starting to become creepy, the non-stop smiling. A figure dressed in white waved in the distance proclaiming, "I am God" in a calm and soothing way.

Becca immediately began to wonder whether this was a looney from azkaban or whether this was Suzi's immortal enemy, if so where was Suzi?

"Suzi!!! Where are you?!!" shouted Becca whilst walking around looking under tables.

"Oh you mean that annoying devil in that silly little girl's body?" replied God looking smug.

"Yes that's her! Have you seen her?" asked Becca as Wifery walked out of nowhere looking rather bored and vacant. God never answered he just gestured towards another figure lying on the floor looking vacant, obviously dead.

"She is back in Hell and she can never return here. This is the Kingdom of God!" He replied before disappearing.

The world was in distress, many cried over the loss of Suzi, but they couldn't stop smiling. Everyone wore sunglasses to hide the scorching sun, those who suffered whilst Suzi was here, begged for the pain she brought. It was unbearable, for some it was unlivable, so many commited suicide. Among those was the person who Suzi promised a place in Hell, Charlotte Foley.

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Yeah yeah yeah! I know i'm really mean but its took me so long to finish this that i deserve to do what i want. I know this is a Suzi centric chapter but it had to be done.

Hugs, Kisses and Antelopes

Luv Suzi x