Natasha's seventy years without Steve


London, September 1945

It hadn't been easy, but Natalia finally gotten the Red Room off her trail and she was free. She knew that they wouldn't find her and she could start her new life. Her new life with Steve.

She had always thought that love was for children, but then this beautiful man had walked into the bar and she had been immediately smitten. She hadn't been able to take her eyes off of him and she had felt so comfortable during their conversation. She had known that it had been risky to let him walk her home, to let a stranger (an American stranger) know where she was staying, but she had felt it deep in her bones that she could trust him. Natalia had been with a lot of men, because of her job and sometimes just out of boredom, but none of them could ever compare to Steve. Yes, he had been inexperienced, but it still had been perfect. For the first time in her life a man had made love to her and she wanted more of that. She wanted a life with him and that was why she had come back to the bar.

The war was finally over and she and Steve could run away together. He would take her to America and they would be together. She was sure that she had enough money saved so that they could buy a house in Brooklyn. She could be a dancer and Steve could be an artist if he wanted to. She smiled to herself, wondering how long it would take until he would propose to her. She'd never thought that was something that she would want, but the idea of being his wife was more than appealing to her. He was a kind and wonderful man, a marriage to him wouldn't cost her her new freedom. No, he was different than those man who just wanted someone to cook them dinner and give them children.

Maybe the Americans could reverse what the Red Room had done to her and she could get pregnant after all. She would love to be the mother of his children.

She turned around the street corner and the bar came into her view. It was still closed and Steve was nowhere to be seen. She wasn't worried about that though, she knew that it could take some time until he would show up. Who knew where he had been when Japan had surrendered.

She walked to the cafe near by where she could perfectly watch the bar. She ordered a coffee and a piece of cake, waiting for Steve to show up. The first thing she would tell him was that she loved him. She loved him and she knew that he had fallen in love with her as well. She had seen it in his eyes during their night together. And then she would take him to the hotel where she had book a suite for them so they could talk about their future. And then they would make love. She couldn't help but smile. She was so happy and excited that her life with him was finally about to start.

Steve didn't show up that day. But it didn't matter. She would come back the next day.

He didn't show up the next day. And the day after that. And the day after that.

She knew what it meant, but she didn't want to believe that. No, it couldn't be. He couldn't be...She couldn't even think about that.

Natalia waited a whole week. She came to the bar everyday, waiting for him for hours, but he didn't come. She walked back to her hotel room, staring at the bed where she had pictured her and Steve loving each other. The first tears were falling down her face. Steve was dead. She just knew that he was. She had fallen in love and her love had died.

How could she have believed that she would get to run away with the man of her dreams? Had she really been so stupid to believe that her destiny would be to be the wife of an American? To dance and come home to a man who loved her and was good to her? Of course she didn't get to have such a life. She was a weapon and not a real person, and Steve had paid the price.

She broke down crying. She cried for Steve and how his life had ended way too soon. She cried for the life that they could have had together. And she cried for herself. The Red Room had done terrible things to her to make her stronger, to turn her into marble, but that pain was nothing compared to what she was feeling now. She had never loved anyone before and now losing the one person, that she did love, was just unbearable. What was she supposed to do now?


New York, 1947

Of course. Of course, her first mission in America would bring her to New York City. Sometimes life was just fucking cruel. She knew that the Red Room knew that she had tried to run away, but they didn't know what, or rather who, was the reason. It was just cruel irony that they had sent her to check in on Dottie and her weird obsession with an agent named Carter. But maybe it was also a sign. She knew that Steve had worked with the SSR and this job gave her the opportunity to find out more about him. She had been more than shocked when she'd realized that Steve Rogers was Captain America, but then again, of course he was. Only a man like Steve could have make Captain America such a hero and inspiration to million of Americans. And of course, he had sacrificed his life to save the world. She was so proud of him, but it still hurt so fucking much. She still missed him so much and it had been two years. Would it always hurt this much?

Carter and Dottie were doing one of their cat and mouse chases, so Natalia decided to use that time to check out the SSR base in New Jersey, hoping that there would be files about him.

Sneaking into the facility was way too easy. The Americans really needed to work on their security. She searched the base until she finally found the building where the files were stored. It took her some time until she found the aisle where the files of the agents and soldiers where whose last name started with R.

Rogers, David.

Rogers, Matthew.

Rogers, Peter.

Rogers, Steven.

There he was. She had to take a deep breath to calm herself down. She pulled the file out of the cabinet and sat down on the floor. She took another deep breath before she opened the file. A photo fell out of it and she picked it up. Her heart stopped beating for a second. It was Steve before he'd gotten the serum. God, he was so beautiful. She blinked her tears away and traced his face with her fingers. He hadn't needed the serum, he had already been perfect. He still would have taken her breath away and she would have fallen in love with him. She carefully stuck the photo into her jacket. This was the only piece that she had of him and she decided to keep it. No one knew about her, but she was the only one who deserved to have it.

She read his file with a small smile on her face. He had always been a good man and the perfect candidate to get the serum. No one else would have deserved it. She laughed a little when she read that Steve had lied several times to get enlisted. Even when he had lied, he had done it for a good cause. Her heart broke for him when she found out that Steve had lost his best friend in the Alps and there had been nothing that he could have done to save him. She barely remembered Sergeant Barnes, but he had to have been a good man if he had been Steve's best friend.

She stood up, put the file back into the cabinet, and left the facility right before the sun rose. She looked around, her chest tight, thinking that this had been a place where Steve had lived, where he had gotten what he always wanted, and that he had died way before his time.

She didn't want to, but she knew that she had to go back to the Russians. She had no place in the world.


Paris, 1958

These kind of missions were Natalia's favorite kind. She loved to work undercover and to just live in a city for a few months while she was trying to get closer to her target. It almost felt like she was a normal person. Yes, she had to infiltrate the high society to get closer to Parisian politicians to find out what they knew about the Soviet plans and possibly had to kill a few people, but she still had time for herself. She could wander around the city, enjoy the art and just be a normal woman.

She had to buy a dress for a gala that an old and rich Parisian official had invited her to. She knew that the man wanted to sleep with her and she had to indulge him since he had strong ties to the US, and Russia had to know how far they were with their space program. The Americans had already succeeded in having the first super soldier, Russia couldn't let them have space as well. Natalia would again have to use her body to serve her country. And like every time she would try her best not to think about Steve. It still felt so wrong to be with someone else, even if it wasn't her choice.

She found a beautiful dress when she stopped by Dior and they promised to deliver it to her apartment within the week. She was eternally grateful to the sales woman who had ignored Natalia's teary reaction to the wedding dress in the back of the dressing room area. The woman probably thought that she was waiting for a proposal and not that the dress had been perfect for a wedding with her dead love.

Her and Steve could have been married for a decade if fate hadn't been so cruel to them. She hadn't aged in the last decade and she was sure that Steve wouldn't have as well. Maybe she would have been pregnant now or they would have already had children. A little boy who just looked like his father. She never bothered to go to a doctor when she was in the States to find out if her sterilization could be reversed. Why bother? The man she wanted to be the father of her children was dead.

She decided to wander around Paris after this emotional afternoon to distract herself. She couldn't let herself think too often about Steve or it would destroy her. It had been ten years and she was still in love with him. Why had she only gotten one night with the love of her life? It just wasn't fair!

A few happy couples crossed her path and she hated them all. Did they even know how lucky they were? She could understand why she didn't deserve happiness and love, but why didn't Steve? Why did he have to die so young? If anyone deserved love, happiness and a long life, it would have been him.

The finale andante of Swan lake interrupted her train of thought. Where was the music coming from? She followed it and ended up in front of a dancing school. The doors were wide open and she could see the students dancing. Some of them had talent, others...not so much.

"Bonjour, mademoiselle!" An elderly woman came closer to her. Natalia could tell by her posture and grace that she was a former ballerina.

"Bonjour." She replied with a heavy American accent since it was part of her cover.

"Américain? You're welcome to stay and watch," The woman took a closer at Natalia. "Are you..a... danseuse de ballet? Uh, a ballerina?"

Wow, the lady was good. "Yes, as a young girl." She watched the young women end their performance. Most of them were amateurs, but they were a few who had talent.

"You're welcome to join us." The woman smiled warmly at her. "Everyone with a passion for ballet is welcome."

Natalia thought about the offer. Going to a few dance classes wouldn't jeopardize her cover. That old Parisian would probably like to seduce a young American dancer. And she hadn't danced in ages.

I'd love to see you dance, Natalia.

Steve's voice echoed through her mind. No, she couldn't dance. No, she had wanted to dance for him. To work as a dancer and then come home to him.

"Are you alright, chérie?"

She looked at the woman. "I...I can't...I have to go...I'm sorry." She choked out and ran away.


Hamptons, 1991

Shit! She had been too late. The Winter Soldier had already completed his mission. Fuck! She gotten the intel too late that he had been ordered to kill Howard Stark. For the first time she had failed in protecting Steve's friends. God, she was so fucking furious with herself! If she had gotten here an hour earlier, she could have saved Howard and Maria Stark, but they had already been dead when she'd arrived.

She had managed to prevent countless attempts on the lives of Director Carter and the members of the Howling Commando for almost fifty years and now the Winter Soldier had ruined it. She had promised herself that she would look out for Steve's friends and now she failed that promise. She failed Steve.

She closed the eyes of Maria Stark and then walked over to Howard Stark.

"I know that you have been looking for him all these years. That means a lot. Even though you have no idea who I am or what I meant to him. Thank you for not giving up on him." She whispered before she closed Stark's eyes as well. It would have been great if Howard Stark would have found Steve's body and he could have gotten a real burial. Natalia only had that one photo of him and having a place where she could go and talk to him would have been nice.

She promised herself that she would keep an eye on Stark's son because she knew that Steve would want her to.


Kiev, 2004

She was sent to assassinate Yushchenko to ensure that Yanukovych would win and the Orange Revolution would end the way Russia wanted it to be. Usually these kind of jobs were quickly done, but she was being followed by someone from SHIELD. The agent had already prohibited two assassination attempts and Natalia was getting annoyed. She was just here to kill someone, and now she had to be careful that she wasn't going to get killed as well.

Yushchenko would speak to his supporters today and she wanted to use that chance to take him out. She knew that it was dangerous to sit on a roof with a rifle when someone was out there to kill her, but this was her first chance to get close to her target in days and she had to take it.

Her phone vibrated and she read the text that she had gotten from her handler.

The agent's name is Barton. He's one of SHIELD's best. Eliminate the threat.

She didn't really care about the guy's name, but she would go after him once she'd killed Yushchenko. She heard people cheering and looked over to the stage. Her target was here. She was about to get to work when her rifle suddenly fell off the roof. What the hell? Was there an arrow sticking to it?! What the fuck?

"What's a nice girl like you doing with a weapon like that?"

She turned to the side and a man was standing at the edge of the roof. Agent Barton. She wanted to draw her gun but he fired a fucking arrow and it landed next to her, causing a little explosion. She lost her footing and the gun glided across the roof. Great.

"Shield can't afford modern weaponry, Robin Hood?" She taunted, while trying to come up with a plan.

"Ha, like I've never heard that nickname before. Very original!" He replied sarcastically and came closer to her, his bow pointed at her. She'd never been hit by an arrow, but it was probably painful. He had to come closer to her so she could disarm him and push him off the roof or snap his neck. "Tell me, why does someone follow kill orders when she simultaneously saves the lives of Directors Carter and Fury."

Shit. How did he know? "I have no idea what you mean, William Tell."

"He actually had a crossbow, not a bow." Barton smirked. "We have reason to believe that a foreign agent tried to kill Directors Carter and Fury when they had been in London. The sniper missed the car and we found his body a few hours later. We also found CCTV footage of a redheaded woman leaving the crime scene right after the failed attack." He looked downright amused and Natalia was fuming. She had been so sure that no one had seen her and that she had been out of reach of any security cams. What a rookie mistake. She had only been there to save Steve's friend Carter, she hadn't even known that the current Director had also been in the car. "You might wanna think about a new hairdo. That color is pretty recognizable."

"You wanna talk hair or you wanna fight?"

"There's no reason for us to fight. Come with me."

Her eyes widened. Had Barton lost his mind? "You think I'll surrender just like that? I know what you'll do to me. No, thank you!"

"I don't want you to surrender. I want you to join me. Join SHIELD. We can always use someone like you." Okay, he had definitely lost his mind if he'd thought that she was buying his bullshit.

"I'm not falling for that crap."

"It's not crap. You saved the lives of two SHIELD directors, and Director Carter somehow thinks that it wasn't the first time that you've done that. You can come with me and work for us. You'd have your freedom and could use your skills to help people."

She looked at him. Was he really telling the truth? Could she just switch sides? Start a new life? What was she supposed to do? She was unarmed and Barton could have already killed her, but he hadn't. What would Steve do? He would believe in the good of people. He'd want her to change her life. She eyed Barton for a moment. He was relaxed, he wasn't going to kill her. She made a choice in that moment.

"Take me to your leader."


Washington DC, 2012

Natasha hated paperwork, but it needed to be done. Coulson always wanted everything to be done by the book and proper paperwork was part of it. She was just about to open Word when her door flew open and Coulson stormed into the room. He looked downright excited and Coulson rarely showed any emotion at work.

"Are you okay? Did Thor come back to earth?"

"They found him, Natasha!" He basically screamed at her. "We finally found him."

"Who? What are you talking about?"

"Captain Rogers!" She could just stare at him. What? They had found Steve's body? "And he's alive! He's in a coma, but he's alive! I'm leaving in fifteen minutes to see him myself. You wanna come with me?"

Her heart was pounding in her chest. Was he really alive? After all this time? How?

"Natasha?"

"Uh, go without me. I still have to track down Luchkov, remember?" She managed to get out calmly, but she was on the verge of a nervous breakdown. Steve was alive.

"Right." Coulson nodded. "Keep me updated on that." He added and left her office.

She tried to control her breathing, but she had no success. Steve was alive and she had done so many horrible things in the last seventy years. How was she ever going to face him?

Helicarrier, 19 days later

She was more than nervous, she had no choice but to face Steve. Clint needed her to save him from Loki and they couldn't do that without Captain America's help. Would he be happy that she was still alive? Had he even wanted to come to that bar or wouldn't he have showed up even when he could have? Had everything just been in her head? Would he hate her, once he knew who and what she really was?

Coulson came down the ramp of the quinjet with Steve in tow. He still looked exactly the same. He was still so beautiful and he looked confused and excited when he looked around. And then his eyes landed on her and he looked like he'd seen a ghost.

"Agent Romanoff." Coulson said and then pointed at Steve. "Captain Rogers."

He seemed so confused, but also hopeful. "Ma'am?"

She couldn't help but beam brightly at him. He was alive and he was here. He'd come back to her.

"Hi." She breathed out, her emotions threatening to overwhelm her. "I thought we said one week and not almost seventy years, Steve Rogers."