"Realizations"
By Isis
Chapter 7
The car was once again quiet, but this time it seemed much more comfortable. Most of the way through their trip by now, the two still seemed caught up in their own thoughts. At least Heero was. He was suspicious that Relena had actually fallen asleep.
She leaned against him, her head resting on his shoulder and upper arm, scooted as close as her seatbelt and the consol would allow. Her arms were wrapped around one of his and one hand was tucked in his. She had gently taken hold of him once he'd steered them back out onto the road and continued on.
Her actions were louder than her words and he knew that she was worried, actually even frightened, that he would take up her suggestion to walk away.
He kept finding his eyes drifting over to her and then back to the road. He would admit, to himself at least, that there was a part of him that wanted to leave. There was always that part of him that wanted to. But he'd realized once before, and he had again on this little road, that no matter what he did, he would always be called back to the same things… and back to her.
…And he just honestly didn't think he could leave her. Not like this anyway. Not when she would cry. That was a feeling that ate at him, body and soul. That single tear.
He'd been reminded of Trowa and Catherine, and the other pilot's reaction to the tears of a woman. He could understand that better now then he'd ever wanted to.
Obviously, she wasn't exactly prepared to let him go. But she would. Just like she would tolerate anything in order to keep her position and continue to help those that she could. She would find a way.
He glanced at her again, not being able to see much but the top of her head. She hadn't moved in miles, and her breathing was too quiet to determine anything from.
She still trusted him. "I've never trusted anyone the way I trust you." Her words still echoed around the car, haunting him deeper than ever before. He knew she trusted him, had begun to understand just how far she trusted him.
But this… this made him rethink the idea that that trust was a good thing. He'd realized just how automatic his responses had become over the years. He'd come to realize that his control was secondary to his instinct, and now, in a place where his life was tied to allies—friends, whatever—that could have disastrous consequences.
She had, in essence, forgiven him. Seemingly absolved him from what he would have thought was an unforgivable action. Had simply washed it from her thoughts with a simple excuse.
He wasn't sure he could be that lenient with himself.
But she'd kissed him. A feathery touch that had proven she didn't hold any of this against him. Not the fact that he had taken another life, not that he had broken a promise never to do that again, and not even that he was now considering just how dangerous and unstable he himself really was.
He hadn't understood how she could be so willing to ignore these kinds of crimes.
"I love you."
He didn't even know where to begin figuring out what that meant.
He glanced at her again, and absently rubbed his thumb over her hand in his. He honestly didn't know how deep her affections for him went. The expression that she "loved" him didn't exactly say anything concrete. At least not to him.
Love ranked up there with friendship somewhere in his list of emotional words that really held no value to him. He was coming to terms with friendship, he'd had the experience, he assumed, and was getting more and more comfortable with the definition.
However, this was the first time that love had come into play with him. …And he was realizing that it might be the only time that it would ever come into his life.
He stole another glance, the honey blond of her hair set against his shoulder. Relena was different. He'd always known that. Even with the amount of concern that had grudgingly made an appearance in him for the others during the war, Relena was always different.
She cared, she… loved him. He turned it over in his head again and again, wondering when or how she thought he had become deserving of that. He certainly didn't deserve her. But she didn't seem interested in giving him the choice of whether or not she cared about him.
Headstrong as always.
The thought softened out his expression as he let the view of the quiet coastline seep into his hectic thoughts.
She honestly cared so much… Heero began to wonder how he could possibly return that.
Another thought made him glance down at her as his breath caught. Had she wanted a response? Was she looking for him to return the expression? …Did she need to hear the same thing?
Mentally cursing, his tiny peaceful minute had been shattered. What was he going to say to her?
Relena sat through dinner, enjoying the conversations around the table—and even Ry and Alli's arguments. Her mother sat in her customary seat at the end of the table, watching the group, obviously amused with them. She would sneak a few side questions every now and then to her, still getting used to them.
The topic of her driving lesson was brought up, and even her own mother didn't remember that she'd never learned. That conversation lasted far too long for her comfort.
Aside from that, the day had been nice once they reached the house. …Before that was what made her worry. She had fallen asleep on the way there, although she had no idea how, she certainly wouldn't be getting any tonight. But she had lost her chance to talk to Heero more.
She had purposefully let him to himself for a while, a long while actually, hoping that he would break the silence to her this time. No such luck obviously. She'd only had enough time, as they pulled into the driveway, to ask if he would be all right.
Why she expected him to say anything more than, 'Hn,' she didn't know. But he lightly brushed her cheek, and then nodded for her to look out her window as Pegan was already exiting the house.
He did seem better though, not that he made a production out of it. But he and Delano were silently exchanging looks to pick on the other two officers while they bickered on as usual. Heero was getting better at that. Better at group interaction all the way around. He seemed comfortable around them now, less "stoic" as Duo would put it.
But he worried her. She was catching herself trying not to let him out of her sight; afraid he would simply hop over the garden wall and disappear. When he suddenly stopped the car this morning, she was honestly afraid that he was going to open the door and walk away, leaving her abandoned on the side of the road.
She knew better than that. But what she wasn't sure of was how much he could take before he broke down and decided it was enough. …She wasn't sure if she meant enough to him to make him stay.
…She didn't know if she wanted to be.
He deserved better than this life, he deserved anything he wanted. She may not be prepared to lose him, but she would never want to be the reason he had to live through the torture he endured yesterday. He shouldn't have to anymore.
In truth, she'd already prepared him to leave. She had said the one thing that her heart needed him to hear. Even if he hadn't necessarily understood, he heard her, and no matter what he thought or felt in return, it didn't matter.
This wasn't about whether he returned it or not, it was about her admitting it. She loved him, for everything he was, and for everything that he inspired her to be. Whether or not he felt anything back was immaterial. She felt it.
Absently she fiddled with twisting her necklace around again. She needed to talk to him though. She needed to be sure he was alright with himself more than anything, and—
"Relena, that's pretty, where did you get that?" her mother asked, eyeing her pendant in her fingers.
Her breath caught as she fought for an answer.
"Oh," Ry and Alli exchanged a look. "We thought you gave it to her," she said.
Her mother blinked. "You obviously haven't noticed my tacky taste in jewelry," she laughed.
Relena was thankful for the interruption, but every eye in the room turned back to her again, and she tried not to flinch.
"I gave it to her," came the casual answer. They all swung their eyes down the table to Heero.
Delano looked back and forth between the two on either side of him and Ry and Alli slowly turned back to her. "So… the whole 'secret admirer' thing…?" Alli raised an eyebrow.
She blinked, trying to fane innocence, "You didn't expect a straight answer, did you? You two are really bad guessers, by the way." Please sound casual, please sound casual, she mentally pleaded.
"Well," Alli smiled back to Heero. "My birthday is October 28, feel free to buy me jewelry any time," she winked at him.
Heero gave her a customary non-committal blink and the four of them cracked up.
Her mother chuckled at her as Relena stood in the center of her closet in her old room, almost randomly tossing things into boxes. "I had no idea I had this much junk," she mumbled.
Mrs. Darlian sat on the corner of the bed, watching her pick through her not-so-distant past captured in a closest that had barely been opened since she'd taken over her father's position. "Time has a way of defining 'junk,'" she smiled, remembering how much of a pack rat she used to be.
"Why didn't you ever tell me that this was such a mess?" she sighed.
"When did you suddenly pick up organizational skills?" she laughed at the younger woman.
Relena turned a weary look back at her before she rethought that and shrugged instead. "Alright, that might be new." Turning back, she stared at the rows of shelves above the clothes rod. "But tell me why I kept my third grade science project?"
"You were proud of that," she answered.
"…I never realized I was such a nerd," she mumbled.
"You were not," she defended.
Relena pulled down the assortment of sticks and charts glued onto a poster board from the shelf and then displayed it to her. With a raised eyebrow she quickly tossed the dusty thing into the trash box. "Let's just not show my friends this stuff," she smiled.
Mrs. Darlian tried to keep her laughter light as her daughter again waved the dust out of the air around her and continued digging. This was fun, but also very nostalgic for her, after all, her daughter had officially moved away from home, had her own life and career, and was not her little girl any longer.
She was getting used to that… slowly. She was sure that every mother thinks that these things come too fast, but in her case, they really did. After all, who expects their fifteen year old to become Queen of the World?
"When did I ever wear that size?" The muffled comment made her look up again to discover that Relena had squeezed herself past the doors and back into the side storage area between the walls.
A soft tap sounded on the door and Mrs. Darlian looked up to find Agent Yuy just visible through the open crack. "Come in please," she called.
The young man entered quietly as a muffled thud resounded against the closet wall. "I'm OK," came the muttered reassurance.
She turned back to the Agent and found him softly scrutinizing the closet and the mess of boxes surrounding it. "She may be here for a while," she stated.
"Hn." Turning back to her he nodded politely. "We're setting up the security shifts for the night and turning in."
Vaguely she wondered if he was always this professional… although she hadn't seen anything yet that would indicate otherwise. "Alright, thank you."
He was apparently about to leave when there was a squeak and a rustle from the closet again. "Help! Spider!"
Mrs. Darlian tried to hold back the laughter, looking up at the young man beside her. "Does your job description cover bugs, Agent Yuy?"
The mildly weary look he wore turned back to her before he blinked. "That depends if they're poisonous."
She covered her mouth with a hand as she giggled to herself over the comment. Relena had just managed to work her way back out of he cubbyhole, comically flailing about brushing off invisible cobwebs.
"Oh, ick," she muttered, finally turning around towards them. …And stopped dead.
Mrs. Darlian halted her giggles to look up between the two. "Are you alright?" he asked, obviously sure that she was.
"Fine," Relena squeaked with an embarrassed smile.
He nodded, having the good sense to decide against saying anything else. "Goodnight, then."
"Oh, goodnight," she said back.
The two women watched him leave, closing the door behind him. And her poor Relena visually wilted. "That man has the worst possible timing…."
Mrs. Darlian raised a skeptical smile as she chuckled. Holding out a hand she waved her daughter over to the bed. "That may be enough cleaning for one night," she said.
Relena seemed to silently agree as she stepped over the piles of things surrounding the doors. "I'll try to get some of the rest of it gone through tomorrow. You don't need all this stuff cluttered around."
"It's not going anywhere," she reassured her. The young woman flopped down to bounce on the edge of the bed beside her. She took the chance to admire the pendant visible at her throat, and then her daughter. Leaning in, she bumped shoulders with her and casually reached over to inspect the necklace closer. "It's a very pretty piece."
Relena started, but shook it off. "Yes, I thought so." Mrs. Darlian raised her eyes from her neck to her face, attempting to judge for herself. "What?" Relena mildly asked.
She knew what. And her mother had the answer she was looking for. Rising to her feet, she began inspecting the boxes laid out in front of them. "I have to keep remembering that you're far more mature than I was at your age."
Relena sat there, wondering exactly where her mother was going with this. …Although she was afraid that she knew that answer. "I'm not sure I would say that."
The woman rounded, giving her that patient look that she was famous for. "It's not easy for a mother to watch her little girl grow up so fast."
She favored her with a smile for the concern. "I'm sorry that I'm away so much."
She shook it off. "I understand. I knew what I was getting into with your father, and I came to terms with your travels years ago. Besides," she glanced back to the closed door, "you have friends to watch over you when I can't."
Yip, motherly guilt trip, she knew it was coming. "Mother…."
The woman turned back with a smile. "He is cute," she suggested.
Relena's eye bugged at this imposter that was obviously not her mother. "What?" she managed.
The older woman broke out and laughed at her expression. "Can't some old lady still think a young man is cute?"
"No!"
Her mother only laughed harder before coming back and sitting on the edge of the bed with her. "Well, I'll try to refrain from that then."
That was just… wrong, somehow, for some reason. Yes, just wrong.
Her eyes softened out to smile at her, and then they specifically picked out her necklace. "How long have you known Agent Yuy?"
Relena faltered. Her mother knew nothing of Heero's involvement during the war, but if she said he'd gone to school here, there were way too many people who knew their rocky start around here. "…I met him before, but he's been with the team several months now."
"So you've actually known him longer than that?"
"Yes," she answered, keeping it to a bare minimum.
Her mother nodded. "He seems very… strict."
Unless you add in sneaking me out of his own security area. "Well, he did make Agent in short order."
Her mother nodded. "He is very young for that kind of rank."
Relena smiled at her, "He's trained very hard."
"I can tell," the other mused. "He's rather… quiet, isn't he?"
"He's a quiet person. You just have to get used to him is all."
"Well, he has a sense of humor, but you probably have to get used to that too," she wondered out loud.
Relena frowned, "Why?"
Her mother blinked. "Oh, just something he said," she waved it off. "So, tell me," she again reached over to inspect the pendant, "what does this mean?"
"It was a birthday present," she answered automatically.
The older woman gave her a knowing glance. "From your security officer."
She mentally sighed. "Yes. What's wrong with that?"
Her mother shook her head. "Out with it, Relena. Tell your old mother what's going on."
"Nothing's going on." Much, she mentally added.
Her mother gave her the "I know you're lying" look, and she knew she was sunk. It didn't matter how much she could bluff through a presentation or board meeting, her mother had a sixth sense with her.
Relena let the act fall, scooting closer she wrapped her arms around her mother's waist and leaned her head on her shoulder like she used to when she was spilling something. "We're… close," she tried.
"Close? What does that mean?" came the soft coaxing.
She didn't know what that meant any better than her mother did. How was she going to explain this? "He's… always been there for me. Sort of. Oh," she faltered, "I don't know." There was a soft stroke through her hair. "After father, he really helped me get through that. You both did," she said quietly, knowing that her mother was still as tender, or more so, over the tragedy than she was.
"You knew him then?" she asked.
Deciding to spill may come back to haunt her yet. "He transferred into school just a couple weeks before."
"Oh," she whispered back to her. "Well then, I suppose that means he has excellent timing," came the comforting reply, and a small hug.
Relena chuckled at the comparison. "Yes, he does."
"Well, I'm glad you had him then," she concluded.
"I don't think he realizes yet how much it helped. …So don't say anything," she warned.
Her mother chuckled. "Yes, dear."
She snuggled back in. "But since he's been here… it's different." She fought for words. "He's different. And so am I, I guess. We've… gotten close," she slowly drew out.
"You care for him," she clarified.
"Yes." Closing her eyes, she let it go, "I love him. I… I think I'm really in love with him."
Apparently that wasn't the easiest thing for the mother of a seventeen-year-old politician to hear. Relena felt the shock tense her mother's arms around her shoulders. Slowly they softened back out, and she took the chance to move so that she could look up at her.
The older woman took a calming breath, and looked back down at her child. "You're awfully young to know something like that," came the cautious reply.
She softened her expression to a smile. "I know that," she whispered. Her mother looked visually relieved to hear that at least. Relena turned away enough to avoid her eyes for a moment to think. "I just can't find a way to describe it."
"You two are together a lot. It makes sense that someone so important to you would mean more than your other friends."
It almost sounded generic like that. Cheap, somehow, compared to what she felt for him. "It's not like that," she tried. "I honestly feel different beside him." She shook her head and looked back up at her mother. "He reminds me so much of father sometimes. Not necessarily what he does, but what he makes me feel like."
There was mild shock in the other woman's eyes as she looked down at her. Swallowing, she took another deep breath. "I just want you to be careful. You're still very young to be so involved, and…" she trailed off with a sigh. "You have always held a wonderful judgment of people, honey. Just remember you have the rest of your lives to sort things out."
Relena gave her mother a smile and hugged her again. But there, on her mother's shoulder, she closed her eyes on the thought that neither she nor Heero had the luxury of the assurance of another day alive and well.
Her mother squeezed her tightly, pecking a kiss onto her cheek.
There was a soft creak from the stairs, and a pause, before the whispered footsteps continued. She was getting better actually. If Heero hadn't been expecting her, she would have made it all the way to that loose third step before he ever would have noticed her approach.
As it was, he had noted the soft moan from her bedroom door… only about fifteen minutes after Delano's door had closed after his night watch. That was a little soon, but inside a bedroom, unsuspecting, Heero was sure the other man wouldn't have heard her slip out.
He stayed where he was, leaning against the patio doors in the library, staring out into the dark night. The footsteps slipped quickly around the stairs and were soon at the open doorway to the library, expertly stepping over the creaky board just inside the door.
He allowed himself a smirk as she made her way over to him. Definitely trainable.
"Good morning," she whispered. She came up beside him, a set of pajamas buried under the blanket she was trailing with her.
"You should still be asleep."
Her shoulders slumped just perceptibly under the blanket. Turning she looked up at him in the dim lighting coming through the glass door. "You have to know me better than that by now."
"Hn." Yes, he did. She hadn't slept tonight either, at least not much. He was… stalling. The whole day had been spent going through the things she had said on the way here, and he'd still come to no new realizations on what to say to her.
She smiled and shook her head at the comment. She focused back out the doors, "I wanted to be able to talk to you." It wasn't an accusatory statement. She actually seemed rather upbeat this morning. Surprising him, she turned again to look up at him. "I wasn't sure you wanted the others to know my present was from you."
That wasn't a conversation he expected. "They may as well know. And you shouldn't have to lie." In truth, some part of him wanted them to know. That touch of pride he'd become accustomed to had been happy to admit to it.
She gave him another smile and stepped in a bit closer to him, her blanket brushing against his crossed arms as he stood sideways, leaning on the doorjamb. "Thank you. I appreciate that. …And I certainly don't mind that they know."
He watched her a moment. Her silhouette in the dim streetlight that reflected in the doorway stood out to him. Her hair was left down, bunching half in and half out of the blanket around her shoulders. Her hands were together under her chin, holding the drapes of the fuzzy fabric around her, as she casually stood beside him.
And for whatever reason, he realized that he'd been worried for nothing. This was still Relena. Nothing had changed that. Not what he'd done, not what he'd told her… and apparently not what she'd said to him.
He'd realized somewhere on that little road this morning that it didn't matter what he did, or where he went. She was his.
It was both an obvious and an unrealistic idea. Relena had always seemed to hold him, emotionally, in a special place. She had continually sought him out for reasons he still didn't understand, and probably never would. She, in essence, had offered herself over to him in order to keep him next to her.
But the same determined drive and self-giving attitude she took with him, she also took with her work. Being beside her would involve more than he was sure he could give. He doubted himself in more areas than he knew what to do with at the moment.
That always tended to ease when she was beside him though.
Maybe he just wanted to forget about that when he was beside her. Her strength and character, and that un-relenting concern for him would tend to block out the obvious problems that assaulted them.
Them. He found himself thinking in terms like that now, although he knew he shouldn't. In the dark, still night, he would remember that he was allowing too much of himself to be controlled by one person. He was letting himself grow too close to a single girl, someone that he had sworn to protect, but someone who his job entailed that he was not to have a romantic relationship with. …Whatever "romantic" technically referred to, although he somehow figured he'd already crossed that line.
And then, he would stand here, in the peaceful quiet of her actual presence, and he would realize that he wasn't allowing anything. He was being forced, fighting all the way, by his own emotions.
She was his. Maybe that went both ways.
He visually traced the gray outline of her face. The thought was numbing. His training, and every ounce of cold logic that he had relied on his entire life laughed at the stupidity of the comment. What sort of foolish arrogance did he have to think that anyone would just turn over their heart to someone like him? How inconceivably weak did he have to be to think maybe it wasn't just one sided?
But his mind could berate him all it wanted. Cold calculation was only ice, and it could be melted when a tiny flicker of pure joy seeped into his heart again. The same joy that he could surrender to when she laughed.
Surrender to her…. That was truer than he would have ever thought. He was trusting her with emotions that he had never experienced before, believing in her, somehow all-knowing, heart that wouldn't let go of him.
And Heero actually felt like something in him broke. The irrational fears that plagued him now and again, the joys that seemingly nothing would randomly inflict in him, the thoughts that ran rampant through him whenever he tried reasoning this out… made sense.
And it terrified him.
He slowly uncrossed his arms, reaching out for the one stable thing that he was tempted to pray would understand him. Relena mildly turned to face him when he moved to wrap his arms around her, but he couldn't look in her eyes, even if they really couldn't see in the dark. There was a tremble to his hand as he slipped them around her, and stepped in, intimidated to actually touch her. He balled it into a tight fist, frantic to hold some control.
Relena easily slipped up to his chest, her hands that had been tucked under her chin lightly placed themselves on him. "Heero?"
The softly whispered question stilled him, his arms only lightly brushing over the fuzzy blanket around her. His breathing was erratic, his heart rate was off the scale, and he couldn't answer her. He didn't want to answer anything. His voice didn't work, and there were no words for what was going through him anyway.
Finally he broke down. Wrapping her tightly in his arms, he pressed her to him. He dropped his head down to land against her shoulder, slouching into her.
"Heero?"
The question was surprised this time, worried. No, please don't, he mentally cried. Please don't speak. Please don't ask. I don't know! Please understand!
…And she did.
Her arms managed to snake out of his fiercely tight hold on her, and they softly slid around his sides and crossed over his back. His eyes closed under her soft caress and squeezed shut against the flood of conflicting voices in his head.
Half of them wanted to run away. Half wanted to just fall down on his knees and let her catch him. But none of them knew what to do, what to say, what to feel!
One of her hands gently rubbed against his back. She'd protect him. She had to. She was all he had, all he could count on.
He needed her.
And with that, every voice in his head stopped. His eyes snapped open, unseeing in the night's darkness. His stomach twisted painfully, squeezing the air out of him.
He couldn't have honestly just thought that….
Why not? What was he so deathly afraid of? Why the panicked terror when he finally realized that his emotions weren't conforming to what he wanted them to be? Why was it so wrong to believe that he cared for her so much?
Why the hell couldn't he admit it!
Again she rubbed gently on his back, a soft touch that was calling out for him.
Because it would mean surrendering. …And he wasn't ready for that.
He wasn't ready to be… loved. There were far too many things that he didn't believe he was capable of. There were things he wasn't worthy of, didn't deserve, and couldn't come to terms with.
But nothing he did would change what she felt. Whether he was prepared to accept her commitment to him or not, it was there. And he had no control over that at all. The only control he had was what to do with it.
He softly lifted his head from her shoulder just enough. "Relena," he whispered in her ear.
"Hm?"
Heero slowly closed his eyes, swallowing the dry lump in his throat. "I don't know what to say to you."
There was a long pause as she stood against him, confused. "About what?"
Trust her, he mentally pleaded with himself over and over again. "Relena…." Heero felt that same irrational fear stab through his chest, but forced it down, needing to say this. "I don't know how to love you back," he confessed, the words barely audible.
There was nothing for a few seconds, time that he couldn't find a way to breathe through. Then her arms around him tightened, her hands balled into fists around his shirt on his back. "It's OK," she whispered out, her breathing jagged.
"I don't want to hurt you," he stated immediately, afraid his callus words had already done that. She was holding him too tightly for him to move back to look at her, but he felt her mildly shake her head.
"It's OK," she reassured again. "It's alright, it really is."
He listened to her, felt her take a quieting breath and let herself slip back to normal.
"Heero. I don't want you to feel like you have to. It's alright if you don't. I just… I just need you to know. That's all. Just know," she whispered. Her hands went back to their soft caress, apparently trying to ease him as much as her words were.
He wasn't sure it worked, but it did at least take that knife of fear out of his heart. "I'm sorry," he whispered.
He meant it. For his entire life, he meant it. Everything that he'd put her through, done to her, and more. He meant it for his entire existence that cursed him this way, for the things she had nothing to do with that went against everything she stood for. He was sorry for not being the person she deserved, even before he met her.
He was sorry. He didn't know.
Her cheek brushed against his as she once again tightened her hold on him. "Heero, I love you," she whispered. "There's nothing to be sorry for. I don't expect anything. I just want you to understand how much you mean to me."
He didn't. He wished he did.
Slowly, he softened his emotions down, her words lulling him. There was no way for him to express what she meant to him… but there did seem to be one thing that he needed her to understand. "…I trust you."
"There's always one who loves and one who lets himself be loved." - W. Somerset Maugham
"Being in love shows a person who he should be." - Anton Chekhov
AN: I'm obsessing over these chapters, and I'm afraid that I'm taking too many liberties with our characters. You guys be sure to let me know what you think, good or bad, I want to improve. You are the best readers that anyone could ask for, and you deserve the best in return—I want the best in return.
This chapter is dedicated to AMV creators out there. You wonderful people have made it so that I can't listen to the radio without putting the series to the songs. Well, in such a way, I found the song 'Cold' by Crossfade, and if you know the song, you might see a few influences in this chapter. Huggies to all! (I'd say kissies too, but that would probably be a very large lawsuit.)
… I'll shut up now.
