Chapter 7 Rejections

The sun's rays of light pierced the other side of the room as Spock vainly tried to maintain his meditative state. The flames of the sensori candle flickered in the warm breeze from the open window. It had been a long night, but he was no closer to peace than when he had assumed the position the night before. Spock's mind was assaulted with a myriad of memories from his past. No matter how he tried to push them back and under his control, another would slip through the barrier, gaining his attention and forcing him to begin again.


"Spock what is the meaning of your outburst with the Vulcan Science Academy this morning?" Sarek stood at the garden's entrance. His disapproval etched in the hard lines that formed his face. Spock had went directly to his Mother's attempt at an informal garden that lined the barren landscape outside of his ancestral homestead, as soon as he refused the invitation to the Science Vulcan Academy, wanting nothing more than to rid himself of the bitter emotion that tainted his thoughts.

No matter how far he thought that he had come, how much he had accomplished, he was still judged by their condescending, bigoted views on the other part of his "inferior" makeup. His whole life, Spock had been defending his right to exist, or his Mother's.

The minister's coarse judgment of his Mother ate at Spock's control. He felt the years slide away and all of the faces of his peers replaced the hallowed hall, each spouting the hatred, that filled his ears. Giving into a splurge of spontaneity, that he rarely indulged in, he found himself, declining the goal he had set since he was six, and boasting an intent to ingrate himself in his Mother's people, joining Starfleet of all possible occupations. Standing by the Earth roses, he stared down at their audacity, to not only to fight the alien soil and the unrelenting reign of the Vulcan sun, but to thrive among the more deadly species of plants, vainly trying to suffocate the fragrant petals in their own quest to survive.

So fragile in their own right, valiantly winning their right to exist. No pomp nor circumstance, no showmanship. No impulsive boasts, said without clear thought to the repercussions of said action. As the heat left his face and blood, the reality of the situation sank into his consciousness. Again his Father broke into his thoughts.

"In your quest to prove the High Command that their opinions are justified, you have closed off any chance to have an acceptable life on this world. Have you satisfied your emotional needs, at the risk of your own peril?!"

Amanda stopped in her tracks at her husbands condemnation. She wanted to give her son some time to think things through, so she gave him his privacy. Sarek had not joined their party to return home, but to stay with the Vulcan command to do damage control. Sitting next to her son in the hovercar, she remained silent in her fear for his future. She wanted to support him, but all she could think of was the doors closing due to his decision he had made. All of his plans were up in the air, and not just his. What about T'Pring? Amanda saw Spock's intent and left him to enter the garden alone.

She had not known Sarek had returned, until she had heard the boom of her husband's voice. Never had she heard him so close to losing his control with his son. Thinking only of Spock's safety, she ran the whole way to the garden. Now frozen at the taboo her husband and son made, she was helpless to do nothing but watch her family fall apart.

"Father, the Vulcan Science Academy is hardly the only option on Vulcan." Spock spoke in his own behalf, sounding defensive in his own ears. Sarek's wrath was not quenched at his son's short sightedness. He replied before Spock's last words met fruition.

"Alienating the High Command will make any other occupation unattainable. Bearing any occupation on the surrounding colonies, you have exiled yourself from Vulcan." Amanda gasped at Sarek's assessment. Surely it was not that dire. She reached for Sarek, as if in her touch she could make him take back the horrendous things that he had just said. Amanda could take her son's emotional withdrawal, his need to separate himself from his own emotions, but to have physical banishment was not acceptable. She could not lose her son. Sarek paused at his wife's touch, but he felt the need to be imperative, to make his son understand the repercussions of his action. Spock continued to convince his Father that he had made a logical decision.

"Starfleet is a viable option. I will be able to contribute in the advancement of the Federation, and with the Human civilization, in which you yourself have dedicated the last forty years of your life as well. Surely, you do not see your life as a waste?"

Spock's eyes tilted toward his Mother as he spoke, as if daring his Father to acknowledge his wife's people as worthless. Sarek's gaze was locked with his son. Spock's attempt of deflection was met with unbridled contempt.

"This conversation is not about my choice of career, it is about your rash decision to destroy your life. You have responsibilities,obligations. Your life is not yours alone. Your actions condone or condemn others." Sarek's words brought the young Vulcan up short.

As with a person with a bad tooth, he was automatically drawn to the fiber of connection with his betrothed. Parted and never parted, the connection was forever in the back of his mind. Rarely did he do more than to delicately twinge it to assure himself that it was truly there, but there was never any more answer than an insistent pull back to close the flow of information. T'Pring never reciprocated. It was enough for her that the Kan-Telan had taken place.

It had been more than a year since he was in her physical presence The first few years after the betrothal ceremony, his mother had made certain apertures toward the other family to help the two become better acquainted, but it resulted in no more than strained meetings of forced conversation on the most superficial level. Truly, he had no idea of her concerns on this matter. Til the need arose, it was assumed that the official ceremony would not take place. Until then their lives were lived apart. He did not see the need to consult with her. There was time. He was only 17. Surely by the time he completed his education, he would find a viable career. No his father was angered at something else entirely. Once again Spock had the audacity to make his own decisions, that were not clones of Sarek's choosing. Again he turned to his Father.

"Father, what would you have had me done? Accept Vulcan Science Academy as a default? You were present when they stated my Disadvantages. I cannot be you and turn a blind eye on their narrow minded views." Again Spock's eyes strayed to his mother and the unveiled fear that shaped her face.

"Spock you chose to follow the Vulcan ways. This wavering back and forth has no merit. You must apologize and resubmit your request to apply for the Academy. I am certain that there will be no repercussions." Spock blinked at his Father's announcement. He should apologize?

"Apologizing would be to accept their views. This is your wish?" Spock asked not believing his Father would agree with the council. It was one thing to turn a blind eye, it was another to agree with them. Did he truly view his wife as inferior? Did he view he son as a disadvantage as well?

"It is the logical choice." Was Sarek's only reply. Spock turned from his Father. He had felt his Father's disapproval many times, he had felt his disappointment, but this was the first time he felt that his Father was ashamed of him, ashamed because he was part human.

"Why did you marry Mother?" Sarek was taken aback by his son's whispered question. But before he could ask for clarification, Spock continued, his voice growing in decibel as well as intensity, unable to control his temper. Spock turned back to his Father as he questioned. "Why did you have me? Why!?" Amanda stepped forward, wanting only to comfort her son, but paused at her son's heated visage.

"Why go to all of the trouble? Surely you would have realized that the genetic material would be compromised by the human element and the result would be forever defective. Why did you have me?" Sarek stared at his son, shocked at his outburst. Torn between correcting his son's viewpoint and maintaining his control he reverted to his upbringing.

"It was the logical course of progression." Amanda turned to her husband, with a threat of hitting him in her eyes. How could such an intelligent man spout such nonsense.

"Spock we had you because we love you. And wanted you." Amanda moved to her son and enfolded his hands in hers. She felt him let go of his rigid stance and he clutched her fingers once before letting go.

Spock ignored his Father for a moment and regarded his Mother's fragile form. Never had he doubted his Mother's love and support, even if she had not declared it on a daily basis. Her actions proved it. In her eyes he felt whole. Worth. Value. Never for one moment did he want her to feel that he doubted her. And the guilt dug at his stomach that she had to witness this.

"I apologize Mother for upsetting you. I did not mean to make you feel you had to justify yourself to me." Amanda smiled to reassure him that she was not offended. Spock turned back to his Father, calmer, but just as determined as before. More so, than before.

"I will not apologize to the council." Spock's statement hardened Sarek's features if it were possible.

"Then there is nothing else to discuss. You have set your course. You have turned your back on the Vulcan way. There will be no support from this house." Amanda protested her husbands pronouncement but Sarek had already turned his back on his offspring and was heading toward the house.


Spock broke from his meditative trance still feeling the echoes of the past. The rejection still tore at him, but he knew he had made the right choice. It was a sound choice, not like some of the other less thought out decisions, he had made in his life. Mentally chuckling, he thought back to the first time he confronted his attachment to Nyota. This time he was the one doing the rejection, and as he memory served he was not as well versed as his Father at setting the boundaries.


Spock paced the confined space of his office. He had been there since the sun rose. Helpless but to turn over the events of the past two days, over and over in his head, he sought peace. He sought logic. He sought answers.

Again he wondered why he stood by and allowed Nyota to cross the line between teacher and student. He could have stopped it. He could have walked away. Said something. No he was not entirely innocent of blame. He was the elder, the authority figure. It would have been so easy to pull her hands away from his face, to step back from her embrace, to stop her lips... Once again he felt his fingers pressing against his own, where he imagined the caress. The emotions that transferred between the contact froze him in his place. He had never experienced that extent of intensity before and he had no idea how his legs had continued to support him in the barrage of feelings.

He should have taken control right then. Stopped Nyota and explained that nothing could have been accomplished by continuing along that dangerous path. It was logical to take control of the situation. But in that moment logic alluded him, abandoned him, instead he remembered waiting... Waiting for her to show him more. And she did. But not without his permission. Even in his heated non rational mind he was conscious of her non verbal request. By waiting for him to move closer, she invited him to become a participant, a willing partner in the experience. And he gave his permission and participated in their foolishness, abandoning all reason. He now burned in his humiliation upon remembering his emotional betrayal.

If the other cadet had not made his presence known, Spock was not entirely sure how far his foolishness would have taken him. It was unforgivable. Immediately he sought his escape like the coward he was. And he did not stop running until he found transport back to the Academy that night. In a way he was still running, distracting himself with useless memories instead of planning a logical course to set this circumstance to right. It was time. Logic was restored, and dictated what the next steps should be followed.

It was an unpleasant business that needed to be addressed and he was the one that had to do it. Obviously, the cadet was too emotional to see the repercussions that the rash actions they had participated in, could jeopardize not only their positions at the Academy, but their future careers. It was most illogical. It was ill conceived. It was...

"Spock." His name spoken on those lips brought his war within himself to silence as he turned toward the cadet in the doorway. She was paused in movement, her hesitation reflected in her voice, once again waiting for his permission to continue.

"Cadet." The one word response had her rushing toward him, and he braced himself for the contact. As she embraced him, he held still, absorbing the vibrations before his hands gently but firmly removed her from his close proximity. The warm smile dimmed as she noticed his remoteness. Again he attempted to take control of the situation.

"Cadet. I must insist that you desist in this emotional display." Spock noticed Nyota flinch at his harsh, authoritative tone filled with condensation.

"There can be no repeat of Saturday's performance." Nyota stepped back. Spock knew she was trying to read his face, he also knew that there was no indication of expression, that she could twist into something she wanted to see. He was in control. He would stop this before it became impossible to stop.

"Performance? Is that what you call what happened between us?" Uhura asked, a hint of irritation flavored her voice. Irritation was good. It helped her to distance from him, gave him a little space from her close proximity. Spock blinked, from the pause in conversation, he surmised that she wanted an affirmative to her statement to the obvious. If that was what was needed to end this painful conversation then he would give it to her.

"Precisely. You must realize that continuation of said actions can not only jeopardize our standing with Starfleet Academy, but with our future careers." Again he waited while the cadet absorbed his words. This was going better than he thought it would. Nyota was intelligent. She would see that this was the most logical course to pursue. Just when he thought he was getting through to her, she replied.

"Actions. Why don't use say what it really was Spock? Why hide behind the euphemisms?" Uhura took a step forward, advancing in his personal space.

"Cadet?" Spock resisted the urge to step back as well, as he asked his pupil for clarification, not quite following her train of thought.

" Kiss, Spock. It was a kiss. Not an action, not a performance. A kiss." Again she took a step forward, to stand feet to feet, her delicate neck arched up to meet his eyes. He could feel her breath reach his face as she waited for him to acknowledge her statement. He felt himself swallow before he again tried to take control of the situation.

"Cadet I am aware of what we did. It was wrong. It was unethical. It should have never happened." Spock felt the force it took to enforce the authority in his voice. Uhura's eyes shifted over his face, as if searching for something.

"Do you regret it?" Uhura asked. Spock paused, wondering if it were a trick question. How should he answer it without losing any ground he had retrieved.

"Regret is an emotion Cadet. Emotions that I …." Uhura interrupted him.

"Nyota. My name is Nyota."

"I am well aware of your name Cadet." Spock replied, trying vainly to stay on topic, and vaguely irritated that she was making him exert so much energy to do so.

"Then use it. Don't hide behind titles." Spock jumped on her statement, unable to keep himself from falling into a defensive mode.

"I am not hiding behind anything." Spock stated emphatically.

Uhura raised on her toes, to be eye to eye to emphasize her point. "Yes, you are. You are hiding behind the teacher-student relationship. You are distancing yourself from me by using Cadet instead of my name. Say my name Spock."

"Ms. Uhura this is a futile exercise in debate. The realization is that we made a mistake and we need to correct it." Spock felt unease at the impish smile that spread across her face, as if she felt she had made a point in this discussion, when he clearly did not see it.

"What are you trying to say Spock? Are you implying that we can just turn off what we are feeling, and pretend that the kiss did not happen? Continue as before?" Spock felt himself taking a deep breath before continuing. She did understand what he was trying to say. This was going better than he thought it would.

"Precisely Cadet. You need to realize that your feelings are just a reflection of a teacher student transference. Once you put this behind you, you will see that your feelings are temporary and fleeting." Uhura lowered her eyes at his statement, but jerked back at the end of his assessment.

"Fleeting? Spock I have a problem with your observation." Spock waited for her to continue, as she scanned his face again. "You speak of my feelings. But what of yours?" Spock started to reiterate his stance on the lack of need for emotions, until Uhura placed cool fingers across his heated lips halting his defense, then pulled them away before he embarrassed himself by leaning into her touch.

"No more hiding remember. I am well aware you pretend to not have feelings. But I was there remember. I do not need to be an empath to know you were just as moved by the kiss as I was. Indeed you pretend you are not moved by my closeness now, but your body gives you away." Spock started to protest, not even aware of the exact words he was using, but Uhura's eyes moved down to stare at his hands that were clenched at his sides, betraying his fight for control. He felt the strength of his fight fail. Frustration at the hopelessness of the situation tinted his voice as he was reduced to pleading his case.

"Nyota, please. We can not do this. Do not ask me." Uhura lowered herself, her eyes not longer challenging, compassion replaced in their ebony depths.

"I can see that you are still not ready to face your feelings. I can understand that. All right I'll back off." At his obvious relief, she warned him. "I'll back off but I am not giving up. It's not over."


Spock was brought to by the ringing of a distant bell. Morning had officially been called. Getting up he shook off any residual exhaustion. He had made a promise to his Mother to meet her first thing. Spock had no doubt that she would be waiting for him in her private sitting room. He made quick work of his daily routine and made his way quietly down the hall, acknowledging the guards in the causeway.

Debussy's Arabesque #1 was playing softly in the background as he entered the doorway. His mother smiled from her seat in front of the full tea service. Spock felt an overwhelming surge of nostalgia at the scene in front of him. How many times had he sat down next to her and participated in this antiquated ritual? The only thing missing was the barren landscape framing the backdrop. Never had he felt more homesick than at that moment.

"Come sit down before it gets cold." Amanda urged as she waved him to sit. Sitting down next to her she began to pour. The aroma of the fresh baked scones and pastries assaulted his nose as he watched her put one teaspoon of sugar in his cup and waited. He held back his smirk. Did she think that he was 8 years old? Lowering her head to hide her smile she added another teaspoon of sugar. Again she raised her head and waited expectantly. He indulged her by tilting his head just once and she finished his cup by adding one more teaspoon of sugar before handing him his cup.

Taking an indulgent sip he complimented her on her choice of tea. The Lady Grey was brisk yet refreshing.

"Yes, it's been awhile since I've tasted it myself. Sash-savas does not have the same citrus quality, but it will do in a pinch." Amanda passed him a plate with a lemon scone and a petite four or two. She looked him over under her pale lashes. He had lost weight since she had seen him last. There were new lines in his face making him look drawn. She wondered exactly what was going on in her son's life.

"How long have you been here at the Embassy?" Spock's question brought her focus back to the present.

"Just a day." Spock shook his head. News traveled fast in the Vulcan command. Amanda watched her son waiting for him to open up. A vain hope she knew. He seemed occupied with his plate, but had yet to take one bite. Grasping for conversation she dropped some news from home.

"T'Pring participated in her Kun-ut kali-fi." Amanda looked up through her lashes as she poured another cup for herself. Spock looked up, mild surprise lit his eyes, but that was all. She breathed a small sigh of relief. Amanda had been afraid that her son still harbored some feeling for his estranged betrothed. But as far as she could tell, he had no feelings at all.

Her curiosity burned, wanting to know the details of his broken betrothal. Sarek had brought her the news the day it was recorded in the archives. Although he had showed only disappointment with his son, she knew through their bond, that his fear was great for Spock's future. His pon farr was imminent. To be untied as he was, was to court death. Although, much was unknown with his hybrid makeup, there was no guarantee that he would be free of the blood burning fever.

"You don't look too surprised." Spock's mother asked, hoping that he would elaborate. Emptying his cup, she leaned in to refill.

"Only that it happened so quickly." He answered into his cup.

"You knew that there was someone else." Even though she stated her question as a statement, he answered anyway, as his mother wanted.

"Yes, I knew that there was someone else. How could I not through the bond. No matter how hard you keep it in control, strong emotions tend to slip through. I was not, however, aware of the identity of her intended." Afraid to press too hard, Amanda gave him a moment to continue. When he did not add any more details, she asked what she was dying to know.

"Is that why you terminated the Kan-Telan?" Spock suppressed his sigh, but some of his agitation leaked through his posture. Always so private. How would she learn anything about her son? Wallowing in her self pity, she almost lost his next words, spoken so softly.

" No, although I was aware her attention was focused elsewhere, it was not enough to concern myself."

Again she pressed a little further, "If not T'Pring, then what made you decide to terminated the bond?" Spock looked to his mother, and she could see him silently waring with himself. A part of him wanted to confide, she could tell. She smiled back and held her ground. Any more pressing would close him up.

"It was no longer a viable option." Amanda lost hope for further details when she saw him collect himself. If it wasn't T'Pring unfaithfulness, what made him take the initiative to break the bond?

"How long will you be here at the Embassy?" Spock's question stopped any ability to continue that avenue of conversation. Amanda gave into her son's wishes with grace and answered.

"I am not sure. Pending the situation and other home world business." Spock interrupted his mother.

"Mother, I do not mean to interfere with Father's business. I do not want to be a burden." Amanda set down her cup and scooted closer to her only child.

"Spock you will never be a burden to us. We are your parents. We love you. You are our business. Don't you know that?" Spock held himself rigid to her attempt to comfort him, but that did not deter her determination. Deep down she knew that he needed this. After a moment she sat back and she reassured him that she cared.

"Mother I have no doubt of your devotion." Amanda tensed at his announcement.

"Do not doubt your Father's devotion. He has been so worried for you. You are always in his thoughts." Spock's disbelief was clear in his eyes.

"And he has said this?" At her hesitation, he shrugged as if he was validated in his original assessment of being a burden to his Father.

"You know your Father, he would not voice his concern out loud." Spock vocally agreed.

"Yes, I know my Father. He would not speak of such things. He would not have any such hesitation on his disappointment of the current situation however." Amanda sought the opening her son gave her and asked about the current situation, but he would not open up, still caught up in his father's disapproval. This feud had to end. Before their time ran out. Never had she felt urgency than she did then.

"Spock this estrangement between you and your Father has to end. It is tearing us all apart. Spock listen to me. Your Father is not well." Spock paused at her announcement.

"Not well, what is wrong with him." Amanda hesitated, not wanting to alarm her son, but wanting to share her fears with someone, the burden a hard one to bear alone.

"He has not told me, but I feel his fear and pain through our bond, when he is at his weakest. There is something wrong with his heart. He won't discuss it with me. Perhaps, he will confide in you." Spock openly scoffed at her hope.

"Confide in me? We have not spoken in 10 years. Do you honestly feel that he would speak of such personal information to me?" Amanda pleaded with her son to see reason.

"Spock, you must try to reason with him."

"This estrangement was not of my doing Mother." Amanda rolled her eyes looking to heaven for guidance. Spock knew that he had exasperated her patience. He did not want their meeting to end on such a despairing note.

" So stubborn! You are so like your Father." Spock attempted to lighten the mood.

"Father would disagree with your statement. Many times he stated that particular attribute was entirely on my Mother's side of my makeup."

Amanda took his olive branch for what it was meant to be and smiled before saying, " No I believe you got your pertinacity from me, your bull headed stubbornness is all your Father's." Mother and Son spent the next couple of minutes in peaceful quiet. But Spock reflected on his Mother's earlier warnings about his Father. Something in what she said had him thinking.

"You sensed his illness... through your bond?" His question broke the quiet and Amanda took a moment to answer, not wanting to engage in another heated argument.

"Yes." Spock was still thinking. She kept silent, curious as to where his thoughts had turned.

"And your bond... it is strong?" He turned toward her his focus over her shoulder, as if uncertain to make direct eye contact. "You have distinct impressions?... I only ask because as human, you are not a direct touch empath, and I always wondered... if your bond was complete." Spock paused, appalled that he had physically asked the questions that had plagued him recently. Hearing them in his own ears, caused him to feel as if the questions sounded like the bigoted views he grew up with. And he did not want to insult his Mother. "I mean no insult, Mother... I was just curious."

Amanda felt as if she were on the edge of something important. She had no idea where the conversation was going, but Spock did not speak out of idle curiosity. Ever. If he wanted to know, it was important. She thought back to his first question, wanting to give him the information that he sought. She quickly assured him that no offense was taken and then proceeded to put him at ease, as she explained her bond for the first time with her son.

"Our bond may not be like the traditional Vulcan couple. Since I am not Vulcan I have no comparison. You would have to ask your Father about that." At her mention of his Father, Spock's expression closed up. Amanda quickly tried to continue, before he pushed her away.

"I think in a few ways, our bond may be stronger than the regular Vulcan pairing." Spock's eyes locked on his Mother, clearly showing his interest, more than merely casual. Encouraged, she continued. "I feel impressions, emotions, and in certain scenarios, I have understood whole distinct conversations, if the emotional expression is heightened. Maybe that is the human influence. I am not sure, but your Father has been overwhelmed by the experience on several occasions." Spock unconsciously leaned forward, his whole attention on his Mother now. Amanda could not help but notice. A sudden suspicion pulled at her subconscious. With no time to speculate on the possibility she focused on her son's next questions.

" How did it overwhelm Father? How did he learn to control the intensity?" Encouraged by his intense curiosity and heartened by animation on his face, Amanda desperately wished that Sarek would be the one answering her son's questions. He would be able to explain properly. Shakily she continued to explain.

"My tendency to let my emotions get away from me, seemed to override his notorious control. He often told me it made him weak in the knees." Amanda was amazed to see total understanding in her son's eyes, and something more... justification. My God, her son had found someone human. The thought overwhelmed her mind with hope. He would not be alone after all. She had not realized that Spock had continued to question her until he repeated his question again.

"How did he learn to control the situation, if it left him overwhelmed, how was he able to cope?"

"It was not easy. It took a lot of practice." Amanda smile at the memory of all that practice, then sobered a little at other memories. She wished that there was someone that they could have confided in. It might have saved them a lot of heart ache. Suddenly she realized that she could save her own son the same heart ache if given the chance.

"Apparently, there is an imbalance when a human and a Vulcan try to form a bond. Instead of a two way flow, it tends to be more one way, causing an emotional override for the Vulcan half of the bond. Vulcans do not process the emotions on the same level and it causes confusion, mood swings, sometimes paranoia.

The longer the connection, the more intense the symptoms can accelerate. It takes a healer to form the correct balance. To continue the relationship without the proper guidance can cause injury." Her warning was being taken seriously, by her son who seemed to absorb the advise. Amanda felt like she would burst with her happiness. She wanted to grab her son and hold him tight, but knew to do so would end their conversation, and she wanted desperately for it to continue. She wanted to know whom had stolen her son's heart. What kind of woman was she? When would he be comfortable talking to her about her? How far had the relationship developed?

The intimate conversation was interrupted by a Vulcan aide that requested Amanda's presence. She felt so frustrated that she was barely civil to the Vulcan, but stood up to apologize to her son for the intrusion. Spock assured her that they would have time later to continue their conversation. As she turned to leave, she gave into her desire and held her son in a tender embrace filled with her pleasure. And she did not miss the quick tightening of his arms as he encircled her for one brief moment before his stance resumed his rigid formation. But it was enough.

Just a couple more chapters of background before we reach the present. Hope you like my take on the background story. Remember it is just my opinion, no offense meant. I see Spock as vulnerable, when it comes to facing his human side. And very protective as well. Hope you enjoy this chapter.