Remus sat on the couch in Sirius' sitting room, his face in his hands. He had just gotten back from his transformation, and he was utterly exhausted. Everything hurt; his face stung, his muscles screamed in protest at every move, even his bones hurt. It had been a while since he had been to Grimmauld Place, since he was constantly gone for work for the Order, and usually when he was here it was full of people coming and going. Tonight though, the house was silent and Remus couldn't have been more grateful. Before his transformation yesterday he had Apparated far into the wilderness, far away from anyone he could accidently hurt, and this morning he awoke in the woods feeling all too familiar pains. He came back here to rest for a few a days before continuing his work for Dumbledore and was blessed with an empty house. Well, almost empty, he thought as he heard footsteps approaching.
"Didn't hear you sneak in," Sirius' voice stated somewhere on the other side of the room. Remus mumbled into his hands, too tired to raise his head from its resting place. He heard Sirius make his way over to the coach, and felt it dip slightly as he sat on the other end of the sofa. "Was it a rough one?" Sirius asked his tone full of concern. Remus nodded into his hands, and Sirius remained silent. Remus was grateful that after he was firm with Sirius about not taking their relationship further, Sirius never brought up the conversation again, and seemed content with just being friends.
"Do you have to leave soon?" Sirius asked, and Remus could hear restlessness in his voice, he knew how much Sirius hated staying in this house.
"I have an errand to run with Moody tomorrow," Remus responded, finally lifting his head from his hands, "After that I can stay for a couple of da-"
He was caught off by a loud swear from Sirius, as Sirius saw his face for the first time today, and saw the new cut running down Remus' face. Remus caught a glimpse of it earlier; he knew it was a nasty one. Starting at his left temple, it cut through the middle of his cheek and ended at his jaw.
"Oh," Remus said softly, reaching up to feel the new cut gingerly, "right, that's new. It isn't a big deal," he continued seeing Sirius frown from across the couch. Sirius made a move to get up, but Remus stopped him with a wave of his hand. "Don't bother getting anything," he said.
"Don't you want anything to clean it up a bit?"
Remus shook his head, "There's nothing that can be done for an injury caused by a werewolf, you know that Sirius."
Sirius huffed and leaned back into the sofa, "I know, I just feel so bloody helpless."
Remus nodded and cupped his chin in his hand, staring into the fire in the grate. He could empathise with his friend and with how locked up he felt, but he was too tired to try and cheer him up.
"Here's an idea," Sirius started, and Remus groaned. How many times he heard Sirius start a sentence that way and when had it ever ended well? "How about your next moon, I'll come with you? As a dog of course," Sirius said a grin breaking over his face.
Remus sighed and leaned back into the couch, his posture matching Sirius'. "I can't let you do that Sirius. What if someone saw you?" he said, his heart breaking a little as Sirius' handsome face became crestfallen at his words.
"Come on Moony. Think how much better it would be if you had some animal company. Maybe you wouldn't have to resort to scratching your own face," Sirius said, and Remus felt a tug on his heartstrings at the use of his old nickname again.
"I'm still saying no, it's too dangerous. I'm not making the same mistakes I did when we were in school. It's too risky," Remus tried to explain.
Sirius scowled in response, and looked into the fire, away from Remus. Sighing, Remus warily closed his eyes; he didn't have the energy to argue with Sirius right now. Hoping Sirius was going to drop it, and least for the moment, Remus peaked at Sirius from the corner of his eyes. Sirius was still looking straight ahead, giving Remus a chance to admire the sharp curve of Sirius' jaw, and the way the flickering flames brought out his grey eyes. Remus suddenly realized how close they were sitting near each other, how if he wanted to he could easily reach out and run his fingers through Sirius' hair, or tilt his chin towards his own… Clearing his throat slightly, Remus looked away from his friend, before his thoughts got carried away. He knew he was right in his decision to remain purely friends, but that didn't stop his mind from wandering away on him, especially in such close proximity to Sirius.
"Well, you should get some sleep, you look like hell," Sirius said roughly before standing up and making his way out of the room. Remus sighed as he watched Sirius leave; he knew he had hurt his feelings by telling him not to come with him during his next transformation. There was too much at stake, Remus couldn't take that risk. What if Sirius was caught or what if Remus hurt him during the night? All the reasons that should have made Remus stop the three other Marauders from joining him all those years ago at school were still there, plus a couple of new ones. There was no reason to jeopardize everything; Remus had gotten use to going through his transformations alone.
O -
Early the next morning Remus pored over a piece of parchment at the kitchen table, reading up on the latest reports from members of the Order. He ran his fingers through his greying hair and sighed at the headache that was forming behind his eyes. He barely looked up as he heard Sirius enter the room.
"I thought I told you to get some sleep," Sirius commented picking up on Remus' dishevelled appearance, as he set about to make tea.
"I did a bit," Remus mumbled, leaning back in his chair and stifled a yawn. Sirius raised his eyebrows at Remus, a silent question. Shrugging, Remus looked away before muttering nonchalantly, "Bad dream."
Sighing, Sirius took a seat neat to Remus and asked patiently, "Who was it this time?"
Remus blinked at Sirius before he started to laugh. The situation was just so déjà vu, the conversation so enduringly familiar, that Remus couldn't help but laugh.
"What?" Sirius asked confused, but a smile on his face as he watched Remus try and catch his breath.
"Nothing, I just can't help feel that we've had this conversation before," Remus said lightly. Sirius gave a small chuckle before standing up and resumed making tea for the both of them. Setting a mug in front of Remus, Sirius reclaimed his chair and blew steam from his own mug wrapped in his hands.
"Do you want to talk about it?" Sirius asked.
Still smiling slightly, Remus shook his head as he warmed his hands on the mug in front of him. He didn't especially feel like telling Sirius that he was the victim in Remus' dream last night. It was the same nightmare he usually had, finding a loved one dead with the Dark Mark hovering over them, and Remus learned to not read into them long ago. He especially didn't feel like remembering the panic he felt waking up in the middle of the night, as he had to remind himself that Sirius was alive and well, sleeping just a few rooms over. It took most of the morning for Remus to shake the chill that his dream had given him; it wasn't easy to erase the image of Sirius' dead body that was seared into his mind, but now with Sirius sitting next to him he found it easier to push away the cloud that had followed him all morning.
Sirius shrugged at his answer. "Did you already eat?" he asked.
"No, but I don't have time, I have to be on my way to meet Moody soon."
"How's the cut?" Sirius asked, switching topics, nodding his head towards Remus' face.
Remus raised a hand over yesterday's injury wincing slightly, "It'll be alright in the end, just another scar."
Sirius frowned slightly and leaned forward, grabbing Remus' jaw with his hand and tilting his face so he could get a better look at the angry red mark.
"It really isn't a big deal," Remus protested weakly.
"You're right it could have been a lot worse," Sirius mumbled having completed his inspection. Remus rolled his eyes and was about to make a joke, before he realized how close Sirius' face was to his own and his voice caught in his throat. His hand still on Remus' jaw, Sirius stared into Remus' eyes, grey eyes meeting green. Remus felt his heart flutter as he bit his lip and got lost in Sirius' handsome features. His steely grey eyes that Remus knew so well, that Azkaban left looking haunted. His sharp cheekbones that gave him a charmingly roguish look. His lips… Startled, Remus glanced back up to Sirius' eyes only to see them flicker down to Remus' own mouth before meeting his eyes once more. Without thinking Remus leaned in and caught Sirius' lips in a gentle kiss. Sirius immediately reciprocated, one of his hands lightly running through Remus' hair, and Remus was surprised to find his own hand behind Sirius' neck pulling him closer.
"Wait," Remus gasped, pulling away from Sirius. "We shouldn't- I mean-" he stuttered trying to get his thoughts together.
Sirius' eyes were bright as he caught Remus' hand in his own. "Remus, for once in your life stop overthinking" he whispered. Remus barely had time to process his statement before Sirius pulled him in for another kiss, this one hungry. Remus felt his body respond automatically, all the want he had for Sirius taking over; he stood without his lips leaving Sirius' and pulled Sirius up from his seat as well, so the table was no longer between them. Sirius growled his approval before sliding his lips from Remus' and started nipping at his neck down to his collarbone. Remus felt his breath hitch at the sensation, before he grabbed Sirius' hips and started steering him out of the kitchen into the next room. Walking backwards, Sirius didn't let up from his attack on Remus' neck, continuing to bite and suck on the skin, enticing a small moan from Remus.
Finally having made his way to his destination, Remus pushed Sirius back onto a couch, before leaping on top of him. Lips meeting once more, Remus fumbled with Sirius' shirt underneath him, trying to pull it over him. Sitting up slightly, Sirius helped Remus with this task, flinging his shirt across the room. Straddling Sirius, Remus quickly lowered his mouth to bite at the sensitive skin he knew lay at the base of Sirius' neck. Remus' mouth worked lower nibbling at Sirius' exposed chest, till his tongue found Sirius' nipple, which he immediately teased. He felt Sirius' buck his hips underneath him in frustration, then Sirius' hands pulled Remus back to his mouth where he was caught into another demanding kiss. Sitting up, Sirius quickly pulled off Remus' shirt, before pinning him down on the couch so their positions were reversed. Remus could barely catch his breath before he felt Sirius' nimble fingers making quick work with the front of his jeans, undoing the button and pulling down the zipper before-
BANG!
"FILTHY MUDBLOODS! DISGUSTING HALFBREEDS!"
"Oh no, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!"
Remus and Sirius snapped their heads to look up, as if they could see through the floor as they heard Sirius mum yell obscenities, and Nymphadora Tonks apologize over and over again. Quickly detangling from each other and standing up, Remus did up his pants while Sirius found and threw on his shirt, tossing Remus' to him in the process. Pulling his shirt on, Remus glanced at Sirius before they made their way upstairs to help Tonks with the raging portrait; his hair was dishevelled, his eyes were bright and his pupils were dilated, the exposed skin on his neck had a few red marks, his shirt was crumpled, and not to mention he had a noticeable bulge in his pants. Knowing he couldn't look much better, Remus tugged on his shirt to straighten it out and ran his hands through his hair a couple of times. Hopefully Tonks wouldn't notice too much in the dark house. Sirius reached the landing first and helped Tonks with closing the drapes over his mother's picture, her screams immediately coming to a halt, filling the house with a ringing silence.
"I'm sorry," Tonks whispered, picking up the umbrella stand she clearly knocked over earlier to cause the whole outburst.
"It's alright," Remus said gently, secretly thankful that they had gotten a heads up that he and Sirius were no longer alone in the house.
"Really, no harm done," Sirius said absentmindedly, running his hands through his long hair to make it slightly more presentable.
Tonks seemed to notice for the first time who she was talking to, "Hello, Lupin!" she said brightly. "I didn't expect to see you here; shouldn't you be with Moody?"
Remus swore quietly under his breath, his appointment with Moody was the last thing on his mind at the moment. "Er, right, I was just on my way out actually," he explained, before dashing up the stairs to grab his cloak from his room. Taking a quick peak in the mirror, he took a moment to gather himself, his mind whirling at what just took place. He had let himself slip, that was for sure, and he couldn't risk anything like that happening again. He should have better control, Remus thought furiously to himself.
"I know that look, you're overthinking again aren't you."
Remus glanced around to see Sirius leaning in his doorway, a playful smirk on his face, looking thoroughly calm and collected, as opposed to Remus.
"I have to run, but Sirius when I get back we have to have a talk," Remus said seriously.
"Yes," Sirius replied, eyeing Remus up and down, "yes we do."
Frowning, Remus pushed past Sirius, making his way down the stairs; Sirius' response made Remus feel like he had an uphill battle awaiting him later. He was surprised to see Tonks still hanging around by the door, clearly hoping to catch him before he left.
"I was just popping in, but I'll be back later tonight, Kinglsey has some new information he wants to go over. You better hurry now though, Moody isn't very forgiving when people are late," Tonks said cheerily.
"Alright then, I'll see you later," Remus said awkwardly before hurrying out the door and immediately Disapparating to his meeting spot with Moody. Luckily the errand they had to run only took a couple of hours, and everything went smoothly other than Moody being in a testy mood all day due to Remus being a few minutes late. Remus told Mad-Eye about Tonks and Kingsley meeting at Grimmauld Place later, so Moody accompanied Remus back to the house.
Remus breathed a slight sigh of relief once they entered the manor, he was eager to get some space between him and the edgy ex-Auror, having been stuck to his side all day. The two of them made their way into the living room, where they were greeted by Kingsley, who had just arrived previously.
They each grabbed a seat before Kinglsey said, "Do either of you know if Tonks is coming tonight as well? She mentioned she would."
"Yes, she told me earlier she'd be here," Remus supplied.
"Well then, she'll get here soon. I trained her and therefore she understands punctuality," Moody growled, his normal eye shooting Remus a look. Remus shook his head slightly at Kingsleys raised eyebrow, and decided it was best to remain silent. Moody was still grumbling to himself when Sirius walked into the room, his shirt splattered with blood.
"Sirius, what happened? Are you alright?" Remus jumped to his feet.
"Oh," Sirius looked nonchalantly down at his shirt, "yeah, this isn't mine. I was just upstairs taking care of Buckbeak, I don't know how he managed to but he hurt himself pretty badly. I've been cleaning him up all day."
Remus felt a rush of relief followed by embarrassment at his overreaction, sitting back down quickly. "Will he be alright?" he asked much more calmly.
"Yes, luckily it was just a flesh wound, but I still don't know how he was able to do that to himself," Sirius replied, looking puzzled.
"At least it wasn't serious," Kingsley said in his deep voice. Sirius nodded and left the room, presumably to clean himself up. Soon after he left, Tonks arrived, joining the men in the living room.
"How did everything go today?" she asked Remus and Mad-Eye.
"Fine," Remus said quickly, before Moody could complain about his tardiness again. Tonks gave a knowing chuckle and grabbed a seat close to Remus. The four of them caught each other up on the latest events, until Sirius arrived, blood free this time. Now that they were finally all together, Kingsley started his newest report, informing them all about the news that he had picked up working at the Ministry. The new information he had brought opened up new avenues for the Order, and the five of them heatedly debated on what they thought was the best move. They talked into the evening, and Remus was quickly growing tired of the endless arguments, especially with Moody who seemed particularly combative tonight.
Craving some silence, Remus excused himself from the conversation and made his way to the drawing room upstairs. Walking over to the far side of the room, he opened the window to listen to the quiet sounds of the evening outside. He was just starting to gather himself when he heard footsteps approaching behind him.
"Finally grew tired of Moody's arguing?" Sirius asked, leaning against the open windowsill. "He seems to be out for your blood tonight, you should know better than to be late to meet him. I wonder what got you so distracted this morning," Sirius said feigning curiosity.
Remus frowned at Sirius, unamused at his joke. "We need to talk about that, Sirius."
"Right, you mentioned that earlier," Sirius said lightly.
"What happened this morning, well, we cannot let that happen again," Remus said firmly.
"Why? I think we were both rather enjoying ourselves till we were rudely interrupted."
Remus folded his arms, unimpressed at Sirius' decision to be difficult. "We've already talked about this," he said sternly.
Sirius smirked, "Actually we didn't. You just said 'no' and that was the end of it. Not much of a discussion if you ask me."
"It's pointless to have a discussion Sirius, nothing will change," Remus frowned.
"Just tell me why you don't want to give us another chance," Sirius challenged. "And don't even try to tell me it's because you don't want to, I know you too well Moons."
Remus glared at Sirius, who was still leaning against the wall in an utmost carefree way, while Remus stood rigidly with his arms crossed. "As I said before, I don't want history to repeat itself. We are on the brink of another war, and the last time our trust was tested we failed," he explained stiffly.
Sirius rolled his eyes, "Oh please, flimsy excuse at best. Tell me you think we are the same people we were then."
Sighing, Remus conceded to himself that he was right; they had both clearly changed over the years. Azkaban had left Sirius haunted, his eyes sunken and his body malnourished. He was quieter, more reserved than he was before, and Remus could tell he often got lost in his own thoughts, revisiting his years in captivity and would withdraw deep into himself. Remus had changed as well, his body showing more scars than ever before, and his heart had hardened considerably. He had trained himself over the years to not get too close to anyone, lest they found out his secret, and now that Snape had told the world of his condition, he had been rejected by society, only armouring his heart even more. Maybe he didn't have to be alone though…
Remus let his eyes drift outside and they fell upon the waning moon, something that always brought a smile to his face. A waning moon meant he had weeks of living a normal life to look forward to; every night the moon got a little smaller, his heart felt a little lighter. However, it wouldn't be too long until it would start to grow again, mocking Remus every night as it grew larger, his next transformation looming closer.
"You're right Sirius, we are different. But that doesn't change that this can't happen. We can't. I can't," Remus finally replied looking back at his friend.
"Why?" Sirius quietly demanded, taking a step closer to Remus. "Why do you refuse to let yourself be happy?" he asked gently.
Remus felt his mouth twist in exasperation, "I don't deserve to be happy."
Sirius looked at Remus confused, "Why not?"
"Because I'm a monster," Remus whispered, full of self-revulsion.
Sirius rolled his eyes in frustration. "Oh for Merlin's sake, not this again," he said, taking another step towards Remus and grabbed his jaw so he was forced to look at Sirius. "I do not care you're a werewolf. I never cared you're a werewolf, and I never will. Is that clear enough?" he asked letting go of Remus.
Remus shook his head, "You don't understand."
"I'm pretty sure I do, in case you've forgotten you were a werewolf the last time we were together," Sirius said sarcastically.
"Things have changed," Remus said stubbornly. "Before no one knew, I was able to pretend that I was normal, but now everyone knows. I can't get a job, I can't find a place to live, people are disgusted by me as soon as they know who I am. I've been expelled from society and if we were together, you would be too."
"It's not like I'm in good social standing either," Sirius pointed out with a snort.
"For now, but all that will change as soon as Peter is caught," Remus explained, talking quickly. "Then you'll get a full apology, be welcomed back into the world, and then what? I'd drag you down to my level," he said wildly.
Sirius grabbed Remus' hand, stopping him from turning away. "Do you really think I care what people think?"
Remus pulled away from Sirius' grasp, "You say that now, but everyone will look at you differently when they know a werewolf loves you and then-" Remus stopped talking suddenly, his brain catching up to what his mouth was saying.
"And then I'll tell them I love that werewolf too," Sirius said softly, his lips quirking into a grin.
Remus stared at Sirius before muttering, "You should think about what you want for your future."
Sirius reached out a hand and traced Remus' jaw with his finger, "I've known what I've wanted since I met you at Hogwarts," he whispered before his finger landed near Remus' newest cut, "and nothing has changed my mind." Remus felt his heart race at Sirius' words, and when Sirius pulled him in for a kiss his resolve finally broke. As opposed to their hungry, demanding kisses they shared this morning, this one was gentle and loving. They finally broke apart, and Remus looked at Sirius, feeling happier than he had for a very long time, though he still felt a tiny shred of guilt.
"Sirius I-" he started saying before being cut off.
"Enough, Remus. I know what I'm getting into, and this is my decision to make too," Sirius said firmly. "I'm not wasting any more time arguing about this, we've already spent too many years apart."
Remus gave a small smile before nodding. It was true, they've lost so much time together already, and Remus couldn't deny that all he wanted was to be with Sirius again.
"Good, glad we got that settled. I forgot how bloody stubborn you could be," Sirius teased. Before Remus could respond they heard Tonks panicked voice calling them from downstairs. Giving each other confused and worried looks they hustled down the stairs to see a flurry of activity as Tonks, Moody and Kingsley were all preparing to leave in a rush.
"What's going on?" Remus asked, noticing the tension in the room.
"We've just received a message from Snape. He believes that Harry has gone to the Ministry and is in danger," Kingsley explained in his deep, calming voice. Remus felt a jolt of panic and immediately joined the others in getting ready to leave.
"I'm coming too," Sirius said his voice hard.
"Don't be foolish," snapped Moody. "You know good and well you can't leave the house, let alone walk into the Ministry of Magic."
Remus saw a fire behind Sirius' eyes and knew Moody was fighting a losing battle. "If you think I'm going to sit at home while my godson is in danger, you're sorely mistaken," Sirius growled at Moody.
"Someone needs to update Dumbledore," Kinglsey stated. Remus saw Sirius hesitate and he quickly came to his aid.
"Kreacher can tell Dumbledore," he said swiftly, and Sirius gave Remus a grateful smile.
Moody looked surprised that Remus was on Sirius' side before responding, "Fine, but we have to leave, we are wasting time."
Sirius shouted for Kreacher, who quickly appeared around the corner, bowing deeply and muttering to himself as usual. Rolling his eyes, Sirius quickly ordered Kreacher to explain to Dumbledore where they were going and why. Kreacher glared at Sirius but muttered his affirmative that he would do so. Not wasting anymore time, the five of them quickly departed.
Once they were outside, Remus could see the worry for Harry in Sirius' eyes, but he also saw a reckless excitement at finally leaving the house. Thinking about what they might find waiting for them at the Ministry, Remus felt a tiny jolt of nervousness as he always did before a battle, but it soothed considerably when he remembered Sirius was by his side. He didn't know what waited for him in the future, but he knew that Sirius would be with him through it all, and he would never again be alone.
The End.
AN: Let me know what you thought of the story. Thanks for reading : )
