Chapter 7: Hazy Atmosphere

May 3rd, 2043

Sara was surely not malicious. She was padded with wicked wit. It was not evil, no, it was just her way of getting what she wanted, or in my case, who she wanted. But I cannot say that I was not cunning, you see I did pursue her just like she did to me. I do admit, she was the one who started all the physical contact in the first place. She was the one who took the first step, or as I like to call it, managed to bury herself in the soil of my mind. I am very positive till this day, that the time she saw me in her office, was what she was waiting for. It happened about a year later. Almost. But it happened. And Dear Lord, you should have seen that grin of her. So sly, so gorgeous. It was like she was waiting to see me there, and the wait was over. She had won the fight. It was like she was expecting me, as if she knew I would be there. And she remembered me. Can you believe that? You cannot? We have not reached that part, yes, I am aware. I remember writing a poem about her that day. She was dressed in red and grey. It was a badly written poem, you see. But if I read it now to you, I just might tear up. I do admit. You do not even know the happiness that it caused me to see her there. I even ended up emptying my stomach various times of the day. For sure it caused Emy to mock me with every bit of annoyance engraved on her face. But that's the thing in me, I become nervous easily and when I do, I end up emptying the contents of my stomach. It is a bad habit, that even Sara tried to stop, but she couldn't, as I seldom face it till now.

Oh what about Emily? Oh dear. Emily is a long story. Oh, for sure she's in this. You are going to hear a lot about her now. She sure did play her part well. No, we are not friends anymore. No, no, trust me, Sara had nothing to do with anything. After Sara, Emy and I spent a lot of time together until I completed my MAs, and she lived in London with her girlfriend. Oh yes, Emy did come out eventually. We tried to stay in touch, but that girlfriend of hers, she was the vicious grasshopper who hogged down all the wheat. So we detached until Emy became just a memory. Jeremy and I however, we are still in contact. Yes, he is a good man. I still believe he did me a favour refusing to kiss me, even though, I can assure you that was not his own choice back then. Oh, you'll understand it later. But he did me a favour. But you see, even though Jeremy, and I am positive, is not who I would want to spend the rest of my life with, he will surely make a better husband for me than my own husband. Perhaps because we are friends, I am not quite sure, or maybe I am, but it wouldn't matter now, would it?

...

"No Tegan, I am not going to do that." exclaimed a very irritated Emy with a roll of her eyes.

"Please Em, Pleeeeaaaasssse." Tegan begged her friend, her bottom lip curling into a pout as her eyelashes fluttered slowly. "I can't do it alone, you know that, you're a better artist than me." Tegan thought if she had fed Emy's ego with compliments, her arrogant friend was going to accept her suggestion of drawing Sara, just like she had in mind. But Tegan knew very well that Emy was not easy to convince, especially not when it came to one of her enemies, who she barely knew.

"I said no, Tegan. I am not drawing that fucking professor of yours." Refused once again, as she eyed the piece of art she was already working on. Only few touches left of the eerie piece of red and black which caused Tegan to squint her two eyes in confusion as Emy joked that this was the real art which Tegan was never going to grasp. "Don't you give me that puppy face of yours, Tegan Rain. It won't work this time." Once again, Tegan's efforts of persuasion were dismissed. She sighed in disappointment, lowering her head.

"But...You won't draw her. You will just, you know? Help me draw her?" Tried once again, Tegan did not believe in giving up, well, at least not in aspects such as fulfilling her obsessive, selfish desires.

"For fuck's sake, Tegan, why do you even wanna draw your professor?" Barked Emy with unjustified anger seeping out of her lungs and dancing all over her facial features. Tegan stepped inches further out of defensive reflex. Her lips quickly quivered as she slowly felt herself becoming very little with enraged Emy facing her. She had never seen Emy as angry. She did not realize Emy's hatred towards Sara was as great as it was just projected. "You're so obsessed with her." Emy shook her head, focusing on the piece of art once again.

"I am not." Whispered Tegan, not even trying to justify or defend herself further. She knew too well Emy was not going to buy anything she was going to say. Emy spent more time with her than she spent alone, she knew that Emy was aware of her guilty growing fondness for the lady she saw three days a week for an hour. But she needed to defend herself even if it was a mere whisper, not for Emy to believe it, no, it's for her own mind to believe the lies she told herself each day.

"Is this because of what happened between you and Jeremy?" A wicked grin growing on the brunette's lips as she finally allowed her attention to the downhearted girl.

"He told you?" Tegan asked as disbelief attacked her features all at once. Her head now up and eyes bulged in shock. It was not only humiliating that she had to beg her friend to help her feed her own obsession, but now she knows about her piteous situation with the boy Emy had always been encouraging her to seek.

"Uh...I." Emy sighed, wiping the tiny drops of sweat upon her forehead. "It seems like you didn't want anybody to know, and I don't blame you." She mumbled as her eyes shifted nervously from Tegan's uncomfortable form to her own drawing.

"Is this 'Let's make Tegan feel even more bad about herself' week?" Tegan's emotions once again betrayed her as her voice began to crack and the salty liquid took its position marching at the edges of her eyes. "Because if it is, then congrats, it's working just fine." She sniffled, with a glower becoming visible on her shaken up features.

"Oh God Tee," Released a gasp, Emy pushed what is now seeming a very unimportant work out of her sight as she walked to Tegan's standing form. "I didn't mean to upset you, I swear." She only earned a slight nod with running tears in addition. "Look at me, Tee." She reached for Tegan's now turned face to the side. If Tegan hated one thing, it was people seeing her shed her easy tears, but she knew everybody around her had seen them. Even though her face was directed in a different angle, she was still allowing herself to be pitied and sometimes made fun of by those who are much stronger than her when it came to showcasing emotions which she did not obtain the ability to bottle or preserve. "Tegan, come on. I am an idiot, please just, I didn't mean to." The last phrase came out as guilty whisper, which caused Tegan to finally eye her friend who, much to Tegan's surprise, seemed as upset as Tegan, minus the shameful tears. "I'm sorry." Emy whispered once again, reaching both arms to wrap around Tegan's neck as she joined their bodies together in a hug Tegan felt discontented to have at this very moment.

"It's okay." Whispered Tegan as she reached a hand to wipe the last remaining tears on her sticky, hot cheeks. She pushed her friend gently, not wanting to cause her embarrassment of feeling that her attempt of comfort was rejected. Tegan never adored any type of physical contact with a family member or a friend. She only longed for it from individuals she had admired in a level above friendly. Any kind of physical contact caused her to feel discomfort and awkwardness. She only allowed for her affection to be displayed rarely. Emy knew her roommate did not like to be touched or even hugged at times, but she had been closer to Tegan lately, and it caused Tegan to wonder why, shortly after Emy had planted the softest peck she had ever felt from any human being who pecked her cheeks. Her two still teary eyes flew to the light pink hue grazing over Emy's round cheeks.

"You don't need Jeremy, Tegan." Whispered Emy, voice becoming huskier than her usual one. "Millions would wish to be with you." Her right hand crept to Tegan's stray hairs sticking to her damp face, pushing them to the side while a genuine smile slowly grew on her features. "I just don't want you to be too attached to Sara, you know. She's your professor after all." Emy explained, her hands finally took their usual place to the sides of her body. Tegan hoped it was not because she had seen or felt the subtle flinches she had just let out. "I mean, I know, she's gorgeous. Even I can't deny that." She chuckled, shaking her head. "But she's still your professor you know." Yes, Tegan knew Sara was her professor. She was growing irritated by how many times Emy had made it even more obvious than it already was. "I just wanna know what is she doing to get herself inside of that little head of yours?" Emy's hand reached once again to where Tegan's expressionless face stood, this time a pointed index poked the side of Tegan's head as she jerked quickly, shifting to the side. Every movement Emy was making caused Tegan's discomfort to increase, she was not sure why suddenly she became unnerved with the presence of her friend. Perhaps it was due to the fact she was just caught in the act. Emy knew that Tegan was developing very improper feelings for a woman who she should not look at that way, or should not paint in the first place. "Aren't you going to speak?" Emy muttered with a sigh. "Talking to you gets so complicated sometimes. I wish I could understand or read what goes inside your head. You're always quiet or thinking when we are talking to you, it's like you are arranging for a crime or something." She rolled her eyes with a slight grin, causing Tegan finally to smile at the irritation she was causing with her silence.

"What do you want me to say?" Tegan asked. If she was going to defend herself and say she was not in anyway attracted to an older woman who happened to be teaching her at university, Emy was not going to buy it, if she was going to agree, it means she was going to accept the fact she was into the same sex, and Tegan's mind was still not convinced she was into women. It's just the phase again, due to complete loneliness of the heart and body.

"I don't know, anything." Shrugged Emy, taking her seat once again on the small chair facing the desk they both shared. "Look, I," She stuttered, seeming to be not sure of what she was about to say. Tegan furrowed her eyebrows as she waited. "I wanna attend one class with you, just one class, I wanna know the secret." Before Tegan was able to let words out of her now opened mouth, she was cut off by Emy already defending her request. "You're not the only one who seems obsessed with her." That was offensive, Tegan was not obsessed, she was just very interested. Yes, very interested to the point she dreamed about her often and she wanted to draw her as an angel. That was not obsession, only admiration. "I heard some girls speaking of her as if she's a god or something." Emy shrugged once again. "I just wanna know what's her secret of wooing girls, you know?" She grinned at now smirking Tegan.

"Why? So you could learn how to woo them as well?" Oh yes, Emy was not going to get away from this, thought Tegan. If she had exposed her, it's time for Tegan to expose her as well.

"Maybeeeee?" Giggled Emy, the shade of light pink Tegan had seen earlier is back now but a bit darker. "Just...don't tell anyone about this now, I'm not ready to..."

"It's okay Emy," Tegan had managed to cut her off. A little support won't be harmful, she thought. "You don't need to explain, when you're ready...we can talk about it." Tegan was not doing her friend a favour, she was doing herself one. She was the one who was not ready to hear it. The speech of self homophobia Sara had once said quickly invaded her brain cells, causing her to gulp realizing that maybe she's one of those people. But she was not. She was not the least homophobic. She could not be. She was supportive, yes, but she was not ready to hear how her friend finally reached self-acceptance and bypassed the previous denial. "You can attend one class with me, just not these two weeks, because the midterm is near and Sara has been even angrier and looking more stressed than you've seen her, so ya, maybe after it?"

"She could get angrier?" Emy raised an eyebrow with a chuckle. "Oh well, I sure don't want to be called ma'am once again with the accusation of not being taught manners, so ya, after midterms, why not? Just make sure she's not PMSing or in a fight with her boyfriend or whoever she's with or something." Emy waved her hands as she spoke. Tegan giggled softly.

"Oh well, that will depend on your luck." Emy was getting herself into trouble and Tegan knew bringing her to class was not a delightful idea, as she heard the words loud and clear from Sara of her dislike towards Emy, who she assumed was Tegan's girlfriend. And looking back now, Tegan can see why Sara had assumed such a thing, Emy was very friendly around her after all. She herself for a second thought Emy was going to kiss her just minutes ago when they were facing each other. It was probably just her tired mind playing tricks on her, as it had been highly active the previous weeks.

Tegan suppressed the hidden reason, which she knew too well, on why she agreed on Emy's command to attend a class with her. She was fully aware that she wanted to show Emy how great Sara was and how well spoken and smart she looked. The hints of excitement were dancing inside her stomach at the thought that Emy could be as impressed as Tegan was with the very radiant and alluring woman. She actually could not wait until Emy looked at her with an impressed look and provided her with a vocal approval of her innocent admiration towards her professor.

...

Feb, 27th 2013

"Being yourself is hard, I know that. Especially in a society that requires you to behave in a certain way, or perhaps dress in a certain way, or act in a certain way." Sara Clement spoke as she sat in her usual spot, right on top of the wooden desk at the front of the cozy classroom. Her light purple sleeveless top tucked under high-waisted, dark blue jeans. Her cotton, dark purple jacket leaning to the side, exposing the milky skin of her right shoulder. Tegan's pupils scanned sneakily every part exposed of her pale figure. She wondered if her skin was as soft as it looked. The tips of her fingers yearned to win the slightest brush on Sara's smooth-looking skin. "But you still cannot please everybody. You will never please everybody. This is your life after all, your choices are yours, your decisions are yours. What you eat, how you dress, who you love, what major you choose at university, where you spend your night out. These all belong to you, and no one can have a saying." Sara shrugged with a sweet, weak smile. Her hand pulled the almost falling sleeve of her jacket back to rest on her bony shoulder, prohibiting Tegan from having glances each and every second.

Tegan herself did not know why the simplest things Sara did, said, or projected caused her eyes to widen and brighten in uncertain excitement. It was just a tiny piece of exposed shoulder, but it drove Tegan to sit on the edge of her seat as she ogled bones and skin. Even the way Sara moved her fingers swiftly to cover her exposed shoulder caused Tegan to examine the way the long, thin fingers curled and moved then rested again on her professor's lap. Tegan only realized her hand was raised when Sara's eyes gave the signal for her to speak. "Uh..." Suddenly, forgetting what she wanted to say. She cleared her throat again, not wanting to make a fool out of herself. The question she wanted to ask was just a small one dancing in the back of her mind, but apparently, she had raised her hand unconsciously and now there was no going back, or perhaps there was, she could just say that she forgot what she wanted to ask.

"Go ahead, Tegan, you can say anything, don't worry." Sara Clement had just read her mind. Sara had just read her fucking mind. Tegan needed to absorb what had just happened. Was it that obvious? Was she shaking? All of these questions roamed inside her head as she felt her palms against the fabric of her sweater were becoming sweaty and slippery. She needed to know the power Sara has to be aware of Tegan's hesitant mind. Perhaps Sara was able to read minds. As soon as the idea hopped inside Tegan's brain, she felt her eyes slightly widen. That means Sara had seen or heard or read every kinky, nasty, creepy thing she thought of. Her cheeks flushed by the thought as she tried to shake it out of her head and focus on the dilemma she had gotten herself into.

"Okay...umm..." Tegan stuttered. Her eyes shifting from Sara to her desk and back again to connect with Sara's mirror-like, fixed, honey irises. "What if you can't be who you are out of fear?" Tegan asked, her question obviously unclear as Sara's eyebrows quirked in curiosity, begging for a further explanation. "What if you're afraid your friends, for example, or your family would be angry, or leave you, or make fun of you? What if they don't allow you to be who you want to be, or choose a certain major at university, or date a certain someone? You know, that's what I meant." Tegan found the words flowing freely out of her mouth, somehow gaining buried confidence as her set of eyes watched Sara nod at everything she said.

Sara allowed a faint sigh to escape her lips as she walked to the middle of the class, right where Tegan was sitting. Fourth row, first seat from the left. "I think I see what you mean, but you kind of mixed some things together." Sara spoke with a smile. Her tone motherly and gentle, her eyes narrowing as she eyed Tegan up and down, and the student was swallowing hard at the glassy irises being this close to her own. "Look Tegan, who you love, who you want to date, these are personal matters. Your friends are not really your true friends if they objected or displayed mockery. And why do you care in the first place?" Sara's tone rose a bit, a hint of repressed anger fighting the urge to escape her small rosy lips. "Who cares, Tegan? Tell me, who cares at the end? Your friends' satisfaction and consent or your own needs and desires? That's your life. Nobody cares at the end. Trust me."

"I know." The words came in with a vehement tone, leading Sara to immediate silence. "I mean," Her usual friendly voice taking its place again. "Sometimes you just can't help but hide things that the other might find revolting or bizarre." She wanted to hang herself when the phrase unwillingly escaped her lips. Tegan felt as if there was another person trapped inside her body, guiding her to instant doom with words she never thought she would admit in a class full of people, in front of the person she did not want to admit such things to the most. But it is too late, the words were out and Sara's smirk was growing bigger and bigger as she nodded. Tegan wondered if Sara knew what she was referring to. How could one be this dumb to let such words out of their mouth in front of strangers?

"We all own guilty pleasures to hide, Tegan Rain." The infamous wink appeared once again, sending a wave of heat and colour to rush back to Tegan's cheeks. "I am just like you, I cannot even be myself around this class, around the people I teach, around most people in fact. And I am rather positive that everyone sitting here cannot be themselves fully around us. But that's very different than the things you referred to, such as choosing a major or dating a certain someone." A grin now plastered on her features. "Do not mix things, Tegan. It seems like you're trying to runaway from something." A pout covering her lips, a glare and a heated face, Tegan silently ordered her secret slaves inside the kingdom of her mind to arrest Sara Clement for embarrassing the shit out of her.

The scene of Sara enjoying Tegan's childish glares only drove Tegan to extreme anger, clenching her fists tightly as she bit her lower lip. Her eyes burned with outrage as she watched Sara continue her now very unimportant to Tegan lecture. If Sara had secrets that she wanted to hide, Tegan was now determined to find them. Sara Clement would not runaway from her. She was going to get under Sara's skin, just a bit of focus, just a bit of thinking, a tiny bit of stalking and intelligence. She was going to understand what's her deal, and why she caused Tegan unjustified anger with simple words she had said. Tegan knew for sure if it was another professor who answered her the same way, she would not have cared at all. But it was Sara who told her she was running away from something. Something only her mind should have told her she is running away from. Her pure, sinful attraction to the lady who had just exposed her.

"Have a nice weekend, doctor." Tegan said with a grin. It caused Sara to turn her focus from the three students chatting with her, as the class had just ended, to Tegan's form standing near the door, ready to walk out. She looked uncertain at first but soon her lips curled to form what seemed to be a sly smile as Tegan grinned wider, gums and teeth showing.

"Thank you, Tegan Rain. You too." Tegan watched the ghost of a smirk Sara has just released as she nodded, turning her attention back to the students. Tegan couldn't really help herself but say a thing to Sara at the end of the class. Her body itched to get the mere contact even if it was just a simple smile or a couple of words. She was angry, not at Sara, but at herself, or perhaps at Sara as well. She did not know why, but she was angry.

...

On Saturday night, Tegan joined her friends at their usual seat in the bar, sharing giggles, jokes and laughs here and there. They listened as Tegan whined about midterms and as Lindsey whined about men. Some slight traces of awkwardness were present in the booth. Tegan's eyes constantly shifting from Jeremy to Lindsey. A smirk plastered on her lips each time her eyes connected with Jeremy. Emy, however, kept trying to direct all the attention on herself and Tegan was bothered at how Emy kept reacting or trying to open a new subject once her eyes and Jeremy's met. She did appreciate the support of her friend, but she did not want it, she needn't someone to try and lighten up the hazy atmosphere. If she had wanted that, she was able to do so herself. But soon enough, the atmosphere was already changed by not Emy nor Tegan, but by a lady taking a seat at the same table she once was spotted at a month or so ago.

A gasp, a breath, and four pairs of shifty eyes suddenly taken over by silence and surprise. Tegan quickly shifted her gaze to focus on the half empty beer bottle in front of her. She could feel Emy's gentle breaths against her cheek when the blue-eyed brunette scooted closer to her. The last thing Tegan wanted was to make a scene.

Tegan and Emy were in a position that if Sara just focused she could face them directly. She thanked the Lord silently that Jeremy's and Lindsey's backs were facing Sara's small body. Hopefully Jeremy was tall enough that Sara was not going to notice how close Emy had suddenly gotten to Tegan.

Sneaky eyes scanned every tiny move Sara had been doing for the past half an hour she had joined the tipsy place. Finally, Emy had managed to give Tegan a bit of a space and sat again as she was. Tegan only hoped that her professor did not hear the kinky jokes her friends were telling, it brought her secondhand embarrassment as they slowly got drunk and began to project their immaturity.

Chatter and laughter were shortly interrupted by a phone ringing causing her male friend to stand up quickly. "I'll have to take this outside. I'll be right back." Jeremy mumbled, staring at his screen. He rushed out leaving the sight he was covering fully exposed to Tegan's longing eyes. Sara Clement with narrowed eyes, smug smirk, and a light blue button down, staring with enchanting confidence at Tegan's slightly opened mouth, sweaty brow, and big, thunderstruck eyes.

"Hello to you too, Ms. Rain." Nodded Sara with a chuckle. Her index toying with a page of her opened book set before her.

Clearing her throat, Tegan quickly replied, "Sorry, didn't see you there." She quickly regained her composure as she reminded herself of her secretive plan of getting to know Sara and her dirty little secrets. "My friend was shielding you."

"Why aren't you studying for your midterm which is basically next week?" Asked Sara as her eyes were focused on the woman with a scowl sitting beside Tegan.

"I don't want to be rude, but you're technically not my professor right now and you can't really ask me any questions about the subject." Emy laughed as Sara narrowed her eyes more and more boosting Tegan's crushed confidence.

"I see." Sara nodded slowly. "You're still upset about what I said yesterday." It was not a question, it was a statement, followed by a smirk as Sara leaned back a bit, folding her arms beneath her chest.

"Excuse me?" Eyebrows quirked as she felt the cursed hotness climbing to her face. "What you said did not upset me, and if it seemed like that to you then..." Tegan fought the urge not to say any offensive word. She knew from rumours that getting on Sara's bad side would end up in her failing the subject even if she deserved an A.

"Then what?" It was a shout, no, it was a whisper. Tegan couldn't decide what it was, but Sara's raspy tone drove Tegan's heart to beat faster than it already did, she predicted her soon to come heart attack caused by rude Sara.

"Never mind." Muttered Tegan, rolling her eyes as dramatically as she could. Lindsey was silently shaking her head, but Emy's hand was already on Tegan's knee, giving gentle squeezes each time Sara spoke. If Emy thought that was a way to calm Tegan down, she was rather mistaken.

"Thought so." Sara stated as she won the battle she can never lose. She stood up as her eyes still focused on Tegan's glassy honey irises.

"Where are you going?" Tegan felt a slap on the knee caused by her friend as she asked the question she did not think of until it slipped out of her mouth.

Sara raised an eyebrow and chuckled. "That's none of your business, Ms. Rain." She walked as her student watched her swaying hips, hugged tightly by the black fabric of her pants. She did not even care about the answer she had just gotten, after all, she kind of deserved it for her nosiness. She did not even pay attention to how Sara uttered her surname with a hiss and a different kind of rasp, adding emphasis in her soft tone to make it sharp and husky. What caught her attention was Sara's walking form, the way she wished she would earn a handful of Sara's full bum or to caress the sides of her curvy hips as they swayed. But soon, her thoughts were rudely interrupted by an irritated Emy.

"Told you she's an evil bitch." Tegan rolled her eyes and took a sip of her beer, perhaps tonight she needed a second bottle.

...

May 3rd, 2043

Maybe Sara hurt me, maybe I deserved it. Maybe she had no other option but to do what she had to do. I don't know. She did not tell me. We did not meet again. No, we won't meet again. If we were destined to meet once again, it would have happened, trust me. Sara is just a left out chapter in my hit novel, only exclusively read by those with the luck. And you, yes you, you are lucky my friend. Oh, somebody else who knows about this? Emy does, Jeremy as well. They know. They were around. Oh no, Lindsey did not know. You see, Lindsey was not a close friend to me as she was to Jeremy, and after university we did not really interact. We never connected in the first place. She spoke about how hot men were and I spoke about how annoying men were. Never got along when it came to subject matter. She wished to have as attractive of a body as Sara's, I wanted to touch that attractive body. Different motives, I tell ya.

I know, I know you are wondering why am I married to a man. You obviously know that I don't love him. My denial had never faded. It did only when Sara was around. I thought the only woman I'd love was Sara. I thought I would only be attracted to Sara and return to my attraction to men after. I am admitting it to you right now, I am a homosexual, and who knows besides you? Perhaps Sara and Jeremy? Emy? My family, perhaps? I did sleep with other women after Sara, it was sort of a one night thing, you see. I was deeply injured in every aspect as we were in the middle of a complicated relationship and I slept with someone just to injure Sara, only to have karma working against me. I deserve every blow of the wind that crashed against my windows and kidnapped Sara away from me. Sara knew she would go, but she did not tell me. Perhaps she did. She always used literature to speak what she couldn't verbalize, and I was quite dumb to comprehend what she uttered.

And the sun had already turned at midday; my eyes were tired by looking but not sated, when I fell into the water, and she disappeared.