Meanwhile, back in Connecticut …
"Jess, there is no way I'm going to believe you're innocent," Luke thundered. "You might be able to fool yourself that you're innocent, but you'd be the only person on the planet stupid enough to believe that. Not even your own mother believes you. I called her a little while ago and she said she isn't even going to bother to come up here and see you…"
"Yeah! Well, that's a surprise," Jess replied, rolling his eyes.
"Don't talk to me anymore. You've ruined me and my reputation in Stars Hollow. I'll probably have to close the diner because of you."
"Well, gee, Uncle Grumpy, it's not like you had such a wonder reputation in town to begin with. Wasn't last year the fifth time in a row you won the "Grouch of the Year" award?
"Oh, those stupid awards from Taylor don't count for – I'm not discussing this or anything else with you anymore – you're on your own now Jess. Enjoy your time in juvenile hall."
As he started to leave the building, he was apprehended by Kirk. After fighting with him and the other FBI agents for an hour, he was finally forced to reach the same shocking conclusion that Lorelai had reached early in the morning and he was on his way to Amish country.
"Open up, Lorelai, it's me, Kirk," he shouted from the other side of the door.
"Kirk! What's Luke doing here? I thought that –"
"Well, we already knew he was going to be included in this protection program, but we thought it best he spend sometime with Jess today, considering his relation to the boy."
Rory came running out of the study the minute she heard Luke's voice.
"Luke! Luke! How's my baby doing? I know he didn't do it. Jess is so misunderstood, he just needs me to love him and –
"Shut up, Rory!" Luke responded and then turned to Lorelai with question marks in his eyes, not believing the intelligent Rory he'd known since she was a little girl had turned into a completely insane idiot.
"Oh, that. We've decided she's suffering from Stockholm Syndrome. It's easier to deal with her insanity that way."
"We?"
"Yeah, babe. Dean's part of the protection program, here, too."
"Oh!" Luke sighed. He was too embarrassed to face Dean for the time being so he excused himself to his room.
Later, Lorelai knocked on Luke's door. "Luke come out, you can't stay in there forever. Dean doesn't blame you for what Jess did. We need you to make the burgers. Then we thought we'd watch the 'Witness' movie and I'll turn down the sound so we can speak over the parts and make it all about Jess and us. You're a natural for the Harrison Ford role, you look just like him. Come on, pleaase, we're starving!
"I'll make the burgers, but we are NOT watching 'Witness'," Luke muttered as he finally opened the door.
"Fine, great, I'll go pick out another movie. Maybe they have the God Father," Lorelai commented as she went downstairs.
As every one sat down to enjoy their burgers, Lorelai had an announcement to make at the table.
"I've decided we should all go by Amish names. I'm gonna be Maria von Trapp, Rory's gonna be Gretl, Luke, you'll be Captain von Trapp and Dean can be Friedrich."
"You're picking out the characters from the 'Sound of Music' for Amish names?"
"Welp, I don't actually know any Amish names, but I would if you'd let me play 'Witness'."
"Put it on," Luke grunted. "Only, DON'T turn down the sound."
"You're no fun," Lorelai pouted.
Lorelai popped in the movie and Dean popped pop corn for everyone in the microwave. Everyone sat and watched the movie in uncharacteristic silence until they reached the part of the movie where the Amish people went into town and were picked on by a dark haired bully.
"Aww, I love that guy. He's so sweet and cute, he reminds me of Jess," Rory cooed as the villainous character shoved his ice cream cone up the Amish man's nose.
Luke's eyes starting bugging out again. "I think we've seen enough of this," he commented.
"I think you're right," Lorelai agreed, quickly pulling the movie out of the player.
"Rory, honey, wouldn't you like to read for a while before you go to sleep? I noticed there's a nice selection of Russian literature on the bottom book shelf in the study."
"Okay," she responded, taking off to find her treasured books.
"You noticed a nice selection of Russian literature?"
"Yeah, well … the way her mind's working … or isn't working, right now, she won't even remember what I said by the time she gets in there."
"Well, I think I'm all movied out. I guess I'll go get some sleep," Dean said as he rose from the couch. Even after everything he'd been through, he really wasn't sleepy, but he thought Luke and Lorelai could use some alone time.
"Good night, hon," Lorelai said affectionately as she watched Dean climb the stairs.
"Man, oh man, I can't believe my daughter had a treasure like that and threw him away for Jess."
"Stockholm Syndrome," Luke commented, shaking his head.
"Yep. 'Fraid so. So Luke, what d'ya want to do now?"
"Oh, I don't know. We're in Amish country on a farm, we could milk a cow or something."
"Dirty!" Lorelai replied.
"Get your mind out of the gutter and go turn on the news. I have a feeling my nephew is going to be a tv star tonight."
"Yep! Yep! You're right – well he's almost a star …"
And in today's news ... an unidentified minor solicited Pauley 'Pickle Cheeks' from Brooklyn to take out a hit on another unidentified youth in Stars Hollow, Connecticut.
More details after this commercial break!
"Jess!" Babette, Miss Patty, Taylor, Mrs. Kim and Lane, Sookie and Jackson chorused in front of their own tv sets as they sat and watched the news back in Stars Hollow.
"Pauley Pickle Cheeks?" Lorelai laughed hysterically. "I'm sorry, I know he's a horrible, horrible man, but right now I'm finding that hilarious!"
"Come on, turn that off, let's go to bed."
"To our own beds or to?"
"Why don't we just try one bed tonight?"
"But the kids are in the house and …"
"Well, Rory is officially out of her mind and I really don't think Dean cares."
"Dirty!" Lorelai cooed again.
"I hope so," Luke murmured as he started to kiss her.
"Why, Captain von Trapp, how you do go on!"
"Come on, Maria," he said as he led her to the bedroom.
