Qui-Gon Jinn stared at the polished plaque and at the letters inscribed on it: Chief Security Officer O. Kenobi.
He was inside the administrative area of the Senate Building, standing in front of a closed door, a part of him wanting to buzz and be admitted, while another wanted to leave and return to the Temple, to Anakin and to the life he had rebuilt for himself.
"Coward!" A voice said inside him, "Are you suddenly afraid to see what he has become to save your life?"
Qui-Gon closed his eyes and centred himself. Yes, if he was completely honest, he was afraid of what – who – he would find inside that office. Mace Windu was not the kind of man who gave warning without a reason.
Mace had told Qui-Gon Obi-Wan had changed, and he was hesitant to discover how much. However, he also knew that if there was someone able to help Obi-Wan, that was him.
Squaring his shoulders, Qui-Gon raised his hand to press the buzzer, but the door opened before he could complete the movement. He stepped inside, his previous hesitation forgotten.
The office was large, luxurious and it seemed strange to find Obi-Wan, whose most precious possession had used to be a little rock, in the middle of that opulence, dressed in a tailored uniform made with expensive Corellian wool.
The completely black uniform was very similar to the Jedi ones in the style, but there was no lightsabre clipped to the leather belt, just a vibroblade and a blaster. It looked incongruous to see the latter weapon at Obi-Wan's side; his Padawan had always disliked it, calling it clumsy and random…uncivilized.
But the man standing in the middle of the office, his face almost invisible because of the sun coming from the window behind him, his arms crossed in front on his chest, his legs spread and planted to the ground, was no longer his Padawan—was no longer a Jedi.
Qui-Gon almost recoiled from the darkness he perceived in Obi-Wan; it was like a black shadow was now surrounding the brightness that had always been his Padawan's signature.
There was still a break in the dark shadow that allowed him to sense the light still present in the young man's soul, but it was just a small opening, which seemed to grow smaller by the moment, as a wave of irritation invested Qui-Gon's shields.
"What can I do for you, Master Jinn?"
Qui-Gon was startled by the coldness in Obi-Wan's voice. He had expected him to be resentful toward the Jedi that had expelled him, but not toward himself—or was his Padawan reputing him responsible for his banishment? After all, had not Obi-Wan called the Dark Side to save his master, he would still be in the Order.
"Obi-Wan," he finally said folding his arms in the sleeves of his robe, "I have come here just to see you and to know if there is something I can do for you."
Obi-Wan shook his head, "I am fine, Master Jinn. And there is nothing you or the Jedi can do for me but leave me alone."
The hard edge in that beloved, cultured voice tore at the master's heart. Qui-Gon took a step forward, squeezing his eyes in the vain attempt to block out the sun and be able to see his Padawan's face. He stretched out one hand as he tried again, "It has not to be so, Padawan. Let me help you."
"I am no longer your Padawan!" Obi-Wan hissed, as he took a step forward and his face became visible.
Qui-Gon gasped in shock when he saw it. Obi-Wan's face was as clean-shaved and young looking as he remembered, the hair still short and spiky. But the skin was drawn and sickly pale and his eyes…The Jedi master blinked, hoping against hope it was only a trick of the light, but no, it was not so. The blue-grey, sometimes green, kind and intelligent orbs he had always known were now yellow and cold. Dead.
These were the eyes of a dangerous stranger, not those of the young man he loved like a son.
Something seemed to break inside Qui-Gon's chest. The hope he had harboured all these years shattered as his heart seemed to stop-- and perhaps it would have been for the best, so he would cease to feel this pain. But then Anakin's young, trusting face flashed in front of him, and Qui-Gon took a deep breath, calming himself. Obi-Wan might have been lost, but Anakin was not.
He had failed twice, with Xanatos and Obi-Wan, but he would not with Anakin. He would not.
Finding his centre again, the Jedi master released his emotions into the Force, telling himself he would stop dwelling on the past and concentrate only on the present. Then he posed his sad but calm eyes on Obi-Wan for what, he knew, could be the last time.
"I am sorry I could not be there for you when you most needed me, Obi-Wan," he said softly. "I promise I won't bother you again, if you so desire. However," and he had to struggle to prevent his emotions from stirring again, "you must know I will be always ready to help you, should you need me. Just call Obi-Wan, and I will come."
His former Padawan did not answer, did not give any indication he had heard him, and Qui-Gon knew there was nothing else he could do. So he bowed his head in salute and turning around he walked away from that office, from his past, from his hopes.
§§§§§
Obi-Wan waited till the door slid shut behind Qui-Gon's tall form, locked it with the Force, and then walked to his desk, his legs trembling as if he was drunk. He sank down heavily on the chair and put his head in his hands.
Force, what had he done?
Obi-Wan had come to agree with Yoda in the time after their last meeting. He knew it was necessary to keep Qui-Gon away from him and that the best way was to make him think there was no more hope for Obi-Wan, but still he had not been prepared for the pain his behaviour and twisted appearance had caused the older man.
He had experienced the hurt his master had felt at his cold, irritated response to his gentle, concerned questions and offers of help, and he had perceived the heart-breaking suffering seeing his eyes had caused to the other man.
Qui-Gon had actually trembled as he stared at Obi-Wan's yellow eyes, his mouth slightly parted, perhaps in an aborted attempt to deny what was seeing.
The young Jedi had crossed his arms over his chest and gripped his forearms so tightly he would probably sport bruises the next day, as he forced himself to stand still and not rush forward and wrap his master in his arms. As he prevented himself from throwing himself at the older man's feet and tell him things were not like they seemed, that he was still his Padawan.
Then, when Obi-Wan's resolve was about to break, Qui-Gon had closed his eyes and released his emotions to the Force.
Obi-Wan had sensed his regrets, his remorse, his pain, his concerns-- he had sensed Qui-Gon leave everything behind.
Leave Obi-Wan behind—and he had felt as if his own heart was going to break.
His pain had risen to almost suffocate him, and he had again struggled to prevent himself from losing his control.
He knew Qui-Gon was doing what every Jedi would in a similar circumstance—what he had taught Obi-Wan to do.
Then Qui-Gon had opened his eyes and Obi-Wan's heart had surged again for, instead of the emotionless look he had expected and dreaded to see, he had found a guarded but affectionate one.
His master might have left behind his emotions, but he had not left behind Obi-Wan, as his final words had confirmed.
Obi-Wan had been so overjoyed he had kept silent, afraid his voice might betray his real feelings. Even now, he had the urge to run down the corridor and catch up with Qui-Gon and express to him all the gratitude he was feeling.
The young man sighed. He was in need of a long, deep meditation. He was far too emotional in these days, and it was interfering with his sleep patterns. He suspected it was partially due to his inability to completely let go of his true emotions, especially the negative ones.
Ah, how he missed his shared meditation with his master! And how he missed Master Yoda's cryptic but wise pieces of advice!
Obi-Wan had been aware from the beginning this mission was going to be very hard, and that he would be mostly alone. He had accepted his duty as the Jedi he was, but that did not mean he had to like it.
He desperately wanted to return to the Temple, if only for a brief time, and open his mind to the peace and the serenity that could be found in the ancient halls. But he could not, not yet at least.
Knowing Qui-Gon was not yet ready to write him off, was enough to make Obi-Wan feel less alone. He was aware that from now on, his master would spare a thought for him during each of his morning and evening meditations, and Obi-Wan would sense the echo of those thoughts in the Force—and he would answer to them with his own thoughts about Qui-Gon.
