4 days later...
It was now Friday. 4 days ago, I can truthfully say that I fell apart, more than I was before. My heart shattered in a way that I never thought could be real, and that night, I broke into tears. Victoria asked Alvin out, and he said yes.
I know it may seem like a stupid reason to cry about. Like, okay, she asked him out, and he said yes. What's the big deal? But try putting yourself in my spot. The boy you love so much that it hurts, was asked out by a girl that you highly dislike, and seeing so clearly that they have taken interest into each other. It hurts me in a way I have never ever experienced before...and I am just so confused...
Despite how impossible it was, I ignored Victoria as much as I could. I pretened I couldn't hear her when she was talking, I pretended I couldn't see her when I walked pass her, and overall, I acted as if she didn't exsist. But I'm sure she was too stupid enough to notice. My sisters, on the other hand, did seem to notice my behavior. But the only excuse I made up was 'Don't worry, everything's fine. I'm just tired from class.'
But that was the biggest lie I have ever said in my life.
For the past 4 days, Victoria kept on rambling on about her date with Alvin, and how excited she was. She also kept on saying that after class, Alvin would be waiting outside the door for her. It wasn't annoying to listen to - it was unbearable. Eleanor and Jeanette, not knowing how I felt of course, were excited for her. I had no idea why my sisters were excited for her, since they have known Alvin since forever, I mean, wouldn't they think it was weird? But I don't know...
It was now 5:00PM. I was sitting on the couch, reading over a book from class, when I heard Victoria's voice again.
"Guys, I'm going out. I need some extra help from my teachers. I'll be back soon. Bye." She said.
"See ya." I heard Jeanette say from the kitchen, then I heard the front door click close.
I sighed. I looked at the book that was on my lap. I swear, I must of read the same sentence 30 times without knowing it. I was just so out of focus right now because the same thoughts kept running through my head. And as much as I hoped it would stop, a part of me hoped it would keep going.
Eleanor and Jeanette entered the living room and sat on the couches beside the one I was sitting on. Jeanette switched on the TV, and started flipping through the channels. I decided I needed a break from my thoughts and feelings, so I put my book down beside me.
Eleanor offered the slice of pizza on her plate "Want some?"
I looked at her and shook my head. "No, it's alright."
Eleanor looked at me and shrugged. "Okay, suit yourself. But if you're hungry, the pizza Victoria made this morning is on the table, okay?"
I admit, I was hungry. I hadn't eaten since 7 in the morning, but I was so full of emotions, I couldn't bare to eat anything. 5 minutes later, we settled into watching a re-run of 'Modern Family'. I tried my best to focus my attention on the TV, but it was one of the hardest things I have done. All I could think about is how hurt I was.
And before I knew it, it slipped out.
"How do you guys feel about Victoria and Alvin going out?" I asked, and after realizing what I just said, my body flooded with embarrassment, wishing that I hadn't asked that, wishing that time could redo itself to one minute ago.
My sisters looked at me funny.
"Uh, what?" Asked Jeanette.
I sighed to myself. There was no point in saying 'nevermind' and pretending I hadn't said it. "Well, I dunno. I mean, we've known Alvin since we were like, kids, and now, he's going out with our roommate...like, don't you think that's weird?"
And to my dismay, both of my sisters shook their head.
"Why would that be weird, Britt?" Asked Eleanor. "I think it's kinda cute, in fact."
I looked at her, emotionless. "What?"
She shrugged. "If Alvin likes Victoria, and Victoria likes Alvin, well, let it be."
I knew Eleanor didn't know how I felt, but in that moment after she said that, I wanted to scream. Not at her, but at myself. I couldn't take it anymore. I felt my heart squeeze painfully in my chest, thumping hard as if it was about to explode. I couldn't stand my personal tension in the room - I needed to get out.
When Eleanor and Jeanette turned their attention back to the TV, I stood up, fed up with everything, too sick of everything, tired, frustrated - hurt.
"Where are you going?" Asked Jeanette.
"I'm gonna take a walk." I said quietly.
Jeanette raised her eyebrows. "Where?"
I sighed. "Around campus." Then I shrugged. "I've been cooped up in this room all day. I just need some room to...think."
My sisters didn't notice the tone in my voice. Eleanor, not taking her eyes off the TV, nodded. And good thing because I was on the verge of tears. I looked away, in case Jeanette or Eleanor turned my way. "Okay, be back soon." She said.
I was already dressed in a T-shirt and sweatpants, so I decided to put on a sweater. I wanted to get out of the dorm so badly. And once I shut the door behind me, I felt somewhat relieved. I breathed in deeply, telling myself to get a grip, but it was no use. No matter what anyone said, no matter what I tried saying, I was still in love with him. I took this time to be by myself, to think freely of everything that has happened the past few days, and how I changed emotionally. It was hard to even think about it. One month ago, I was the strong willed girl who has her mind set on the future.
But today, I'm the girl who cries her heart out every night over her best friend...
Why was I in love with him? I've learned that I have never felt true pain, until now.
I walked outside campus, feeling the cool breeze fly through my hair. The sun was beginning to set, and people were starting to walk back inside. I sat alone, on one of the benches under a big oak tree. I sat there for who nows how long? I took in everything I saw: The big buildings, the enormous field of green grass, the marble staircases leading to different buildings around college, the big sign that read 'The sky isn't the limit. Reach beyond your dreams' ...I use to think all these things were steps to following my dreams. Now, they meant nothing.
Nothing, compared to how I felt about him...to how I felt about him now.
I bowed my head, and I felt one tear roll down my cheek and fall into my lap. And then, I heard a voice.
"Britt?"
I suddenly looked up, looking for the voice who called my name. And then I found the source of the voice. It was Alvin. Was it by coincidence? Probably not...He stood there, a couple feet away from where I was standing. When I didn't say anything, he walked towards me, and sat down on the bench beside me.
I looked at him, quickly wiping away my tears, and smiled casually, even though my heart was breaking into a trillion more pieces. "Oh, hey."
He looked at me. "Are-are you crying?"
I wanted to say 'yes' so bad, telling him that it was for him, and how I cry every night because of him, but I held myself back. "Oh, n-no. Just...allergies."
He raised his eyebrows. "Really? I never knew you were allergic to stuff." He said. I sighed to myself, knowing that there was no point in lying to him. He knew me better than I knew myself.
I just shrugged.
"Oh, well, anyways, what are you doing out here?" He asked.
I raised my eyebrows. "I could ask you the same thing."
He rolled his eyes, but smiled. "Practice went on longer than I thought."
I smiled. "Oh, been working hard?"
He rolled his eyes again. "Oh, you have no idea. Football studies is way more than just field pratice. The teachers and coaches make us work our butts off until we can't breathe anymore."
I laughed. "Harder than high school?"
He nooded. "Hell yeah." He said, and I laughed again. Then he looked at me. "So, back to my question. What are you doing out here? Correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought fashion classes were inside the buildings." Then he looked at me weirdly. "Or do you like sitting alone under trees at night?"
I laughed lightly. I loved the way he could make everything like a joke, but still make it serious. "Um, I just needed a place to think." I froze and realized what I just said. "...a-about class."
"Oh. How's it going for you so far?"
I shrugged. "It's okay."
Awkward silence came over us. I just sat here, looking away at the ground, counting every slow second that passed, wishing I knew what Alvin was thinking about right now. It was so hard to sit beside him for so many reasons. But the hardest reason was sitting beside the person you love, knowing they don't love you back...
I looked at him for a brief moment. He stared off into the distance, with his hands stuffed in his pockets. I sighed to myself, looking back to the ground. The moment was so awkward, but it still felt so good to have him here with me, even though he was the cause of my heartbreaks.
I felt him shift towards me. "Britt?"
I looked at him, and stared him in the eyes. And what I saw almost hurt me. I wonder, when he looks me in the eyes, can he see my heart shatter? I just wish I could keep it a secret, like walking in the dark. If no one knows what's bothering me, no one will care, and no one will break my heart. But no matter how hard I try, it doesn't work.
"Yeah?" I whispered, fighting so hard to contain myself.
"You wanna go back inside? It's getting kind of cold." He said.
I hesitated for 3 seconds, still looking into his eyes. I was half relieved that he didn't ask me if I was alright. But another part of me wish he had. But I nodded. "Yeah, okay."
We got up and walked back into the building, the two of us still not saying a word. I knew I had a reason to keep quiet, but I didn't know why Alvin was suddenly so silent. I looked at him as he walked. I wanted to tell him - to scream - that I loved him. But I didn't want to scare him. We were best friends. But everytime I thought of saying it, I lost hope.
"I'll walk you to your dorm, if you want." He said.
I looked at him and smiled. "Why are you being so nice to me?"
He laughed and shrugged. "Why not? You're my best friend, aren't you?"
But I felt my smile disappear. It hurt to hear that he only considers me as his best friend. Nothing more, just best friends.
We walked to our dorm's section of the college until we got to my dorm room's door. I was about to turn around to tell him thanks, but the words I dreaded to say out loud fell out of my mouth before I even thought about it.
"Why are you going out with Victoria?" I asked, then I froze.
Alvin stared at me. "Pardon?"
I stayed frozen. "I-I mean...I mean..." I took a deep breath. "Do you like her?" I asked hoarsely, not know why I asked that, but I just needed to know.
Alvin raised his eyebrows, but it didn't seem that he noticed my struggle at keeping calm, and not bursting into tears. "Well, yeah. I've never met anyone like her."
'I've never met anyone like her.'
I looked at him for a long time, trying to find the right words.
"So, you like her?" I said.
"I guess you can say that." He said. "She asked me out a few days ago."
I closed my eyes for a second, frozen. "I know." I felt my walls go down on me. I felt the tears start to rise. I felt my throat get all choked up.
We didn't say anything for a long time.
"You feeling alright?" He asked finally.
"Yeah."
"You don't seem alright." He said.
I was so close to tears. "I'm alright."
"Britt..."
"I'm fine, Alvin. Please." I said.
"But-"
I looked up at him, and he stopped talking. "I'm fine. Just stressed with class." I said.
"Oh." He said. "Well why didn't you say so?"
I didn't say anything. I shrugged, noticing that breathing suddenly became harder for me. "You won't understand..." I said, and when I said it, I was talking about something totally unrelated to what Alvin thinks we were talking about.
"Well, I guess I should go now." Said Alvin after a moment of silence.
But then, I lost it.
"Wait. please don't." I whispered, and for the first time, I didn't regret saying it.
He looked at me. "Don't? Don't what?"
My heart began to race. I was breathing in and out more rapidly in short breaths. My head began to get dizzy.
"Brittany?" He asked, looking at me weirdly.
I shook my head. "I-I'm sorry. Nevermind." I whispered, taking my keys out of my pocket. I opened the door. "Goodnight Alvin." I said, and I shut the door without giving him a chance to respond.
And when locked the door, I automatically broke down into tears. I let it all out. The tears streamed down my face as I choked for air, covering my face with my hands. My lips trembled whenever I tried to shut myself up, but it made it even worse. I cried, and cried and cried. I ran to the washroom, locking the door behind me and pulled out my cell phone. I needed someone to talk to. And I knew who I needed to talk to.
The person who has understood me and my life, who has been there for me when I needed her, who has taken care of me, the person who got me to where I am today, the person who changed my life by telling me 'Don't be afraid to fall in love'.
I needed to talk to my mom, Miss Miller. I needed to hear her voice, needed to tell her what was wrong with me, wanting her to understand, wanting her to whisper 'it's alright' to me, like she always had whenever I was sad. I miss her, I miss my mom. I wanted to go home...
Still choking for air, feeling salty tears paint my face, I dialed Miss Miller's phone number. The clock seemed like it has slowed time down. I couldn't take one more second of this, without someone to talk to.
After 6 rings, someone picked up.
"Hello?" She asked.
I couldn't speak. I didn't realize how much I missed her until I heard her voice. "M-Miss Miller?"
"Brittany? Oh, sweetheart!" She exclaimed. I could hear the smile in her voice. "How are you, honey? I miss you."
"I miss you too." I whispered, my voice cracking.
Miss Miller didn't reply for at least 10 seconds. And I knew she had sensed something. "Brittany? What's wrong?"
I tried to tell her, but I lost control.
Instead of words, I broke out in tears, unable to make out humane words. I continued to cry in short cut out breaths, like I was suffocating. I held the phone tightly in my hand, crying into it. My body was shaking as I cried - as Miss Miller had to listen to me cry. And as the seconds ticked by, as much as the pain was excruciating, I was falling in love with Alvin even more, wishing he would know how I felt...
...Wishing that I had said something before I regretted not saying it.
And before it was too late...
So sorry for the delay everyone, I was busy :( But again, thank you for reading, it makes me so happy :)
And please please review! I'm so excited to read your thoughts about this one! Thankyouu
