Disclaimer: Sadly enough, I don't own anything! This is written for pure enjoyment only and no profit to be gained.
CHAPTER: 7
Several hours went by since Catherine had left his place. Gil made a large dent in the book he'd been reading and decided to watch a little TV. Without hesitation, Gil turned to the sports channel, where he knew there to be a baseball game on.
After the game ended, Gil felt his headache coming on strong again and instantly stood up and walked into his bedroom to take a pain pill that his doctor prescribed for him if the pain ever became too intense. He was starting to become dizzy again right as he reached for his pills. After swallowing the pill, he slithered to his bed and plopped down on it with a slight groan. He slowly crawled under the covers and laid down on his side of the bed. Not 15 minutes later, he was out cold.
Once again, he awoke to a loud sound frightening him awake.
Twice in two nights. He thought to himself. This can't be good.
At first he thought he'd just imagined the sound, like last time, but after hearing it again he quickly rose from his bed. Standing up only half awake still, he heard someone pounding on his door and then a voice. He looked at the clock which read 10:13 PM and without delay, Gil hurried towards the door knowing full-well whose voice it was on the other side. As urgently as possible, he swung the door open with more force than necessary. Standing in front of him was none other than a distraught Catherine Willows.
"Catherine, what's wrong?"
Catherine said nothing as she walked into his place and straight into his arms. Her hands desperately clasped onto his shirt.
"I tried to call you, but you didn't answer."
"I'm sorry, Catherine, I was sleeping. I didn't hear my phone. I took my pain medication for my headache and it knocked me out cold." He verbalized as he secured Catherine as tight as he could against his body.
"I can't take this anymore." Her face was flat against Gil's chest.
"Can't take what, sweetheart?" Gil whispered softly while pulling away from her slightly and brushing a strand of her hair aside.
"This job, Gil. I can't do it anymore!"
"Shh, shh, come on." Letting go of her with one hand to shut the door and lock it, Gil turned and walked over to the couch. As soon as they sat down, Gil looked deep into Catherine's eyes. "Talk to me, Cath. Please."
"I can't take it. All the cases that we deal with, it's just too much. How do you do it? How do you keep your cool?"
"I don't know, Cath. I guess I'm just used to it. Nothing shocks me anymore, as terrible as it sounds. It's not healthy, I know, but it gets me through the day…hell, it's what allows me to keep doing this job."
"If nothing shocks you anymore…then…" Catherine paused for a moment. "Then doesn't that alone scare you?"
"It did, but this job is a part of me. It's who I've become. Some people are cut out for it and can handle it and others can't. I'm not saying it's healthy to handle it, but I'm also not saying that it's healthy to work as a CSI and not be able to deal with your emotions. There has to be a balance somewhere along the lines. You need to deal with this. If it's too much, then maybe the best answer is to quit. Do you know what I mean?"
Catherine nodded.
"I went home to try to get some sleep. I talked to my mother and told her what was going on and she said she'd watch Lindsey for the rest of the weekend. So I tried to sleep, but I kept having nightmares."
"About you and Lindsey? Cath, no ones going to hurt you, I promise. Not you or Lindsey, ok?"
"How do you know that, Gil? You can't always be around." She exclaimed. "You can't examine every boyfriend I may or may not have, give him the once over and conclude whether or not he's a potential threat."
"You're right, I can't…but I'm here now." Gil expressed and pulled her to him once more.
"Have you eaten at all?" Gil asked, noticing how weak and ragged she looked.
Catherine shook her head, hardly even noticeable.
"Not since you cooked for me this afternoon. I've been—"
"At home crying, haven't you?" Gil sighed and kissed her forehead. "I told you not to leave."
"I know Gil, but I didn't want to burden you anymore than I already have…and now look at me!"
"It's ok, Catherine. I told you you can come over here anytime, didn't I? Now let's order some food because I'm starving and I'm sure you are as well. Ok?" Catherine only indication that she heard him was by slightly nodding her head. "Is Chinese ok or do you have something in mind?
"Chinese is fine…thanks Gil."
Gil stood up and walked to the kitchen to get the number of the Chinese take-out. He quickly grabbed the phone and returned to Catherine's side. Gil ordered several different things on the menu, then hung up and directed his attention back to Catherine.
"I'm sorry, Gil. Really. I know this is out of character for me—"
"Yes, it is…and that scares the hell out of me. I've never seen you like this before." Gil disclosed. Carefully he tilted his head to one side to get a better look at her face.
"I know, I'm sorry—"
"Stop apologizing, Catherine."
"I just…I just don't want to be alone. I didn't want to bring Lindsey into this and now I'm bringing you into it. I just don't know what to do. I love my job, but sometimes I wonder if it's really worth it."
"It's ok, Catherine, really. I know what its like to need someone to talk to or just to be with someone. Its hell being alone at times when it's the farthest thing you want. As for this job, well that's something you have to decide for yourself…I can't answer that question for you. No one can."
Catherine all of a sudden had a wave of pain wash over her as her mind drifted out after Gil mentioned the fact that, at times, he didn't want to be alone either. She felt like someone had just stabbed her in the gut. She was now aching, bleeding inside for this man. She quickly forgot about her problems.
Why hasn't she ever been there for, Gil? Well, she had been there a lot for him, but obviously not enough.
Why won't he ever come to me when he's hurting? What are these times he's talking about? Was he that depressed that he needed someone around? When Gil's upset, he hates when people are around…that's the last thing he wants…usually.
Catherine couldn't stop thinking about all the possible things that Gil could've been talking about as well as when and why he was lonely.
"Catherine, what is it?" Gil questioned. She looked as though she was miles away.
Catherine sighed and wondered how to ask him. She figured it wasn't that big of a deal, but she just wanted to clear things up. She just didn't know where to start.
"So, why didn't you come to me when you needed to be around someone?"
Gill immediately looked up at the ceiling to avoid eye contact with her.
Why didn't I go to Catherine for support, for comfort? Oh wait, I remember! Because she has her own problems to worry about…I don't need to burden her with my own.
He knew what he wanted to say, but it just never came out the right way. He was used to being alone. He'd even go as far as saying that he chose this lifestyle of being secluded, because he had. Loneliness is an option, a choice and its one that he's made. There's always positive and negatives to it and unfortunately, Catherine had just discovered one of the negative aspects of it.
"I'm typically a private person and I didn't want to burden you or anyone for that matter. It's not your problem to worry about. Like I said, after a while you learn to deal with it yourself. You cope with it and then after a while, you don't even think about it anymore. It's almost like a routine." He sighed and hung his head down. He knew it was a pathetic excuse but it was true.
"Are you kidding me? Have I not been over here the past day burdening you?" She didn't wait for a response as she continued. "Jesus, Gil. If you need someone to talk to, you knew I'd be there for you. Just like you've been here for me all weekend! What terrifies me is when you said that you actually wanted someone around. Usually you like to be left alone…which I can only conclude by that is that you were scared and needed someone to comfort you? Were you scared, Gil?"
Gil shrugged his shoulders. He knew that if he lied to her, she'd see right through him, so it was no point.
"Who hasn't been?" It was short, sweet and to the point.
"Of what? A work related incident like me?"
"Sure, I guess, but my problems aren't the main concern right—"
"Gil…" Catherine interrupted him and placed her hand on his arm. "Please talk to me." She pleaded. "Besides, it'll take my mind off of my own fucking problems."
Sighing, Gil reluctantly spoke.
"Remember Paul Millander?" Hearing those words, it all hit Catherine like a ton of bricks.
Of course! She thought. The case where there was always a suicide note left behind, but instead of it being a note, the victim recorded his own suicide note on a tape recorder. In each case, the victim was lying in a bath tub, shot once in the chest.
Looking back down to the floor, Catherine's eyes shot back up as she remembered something. Gil's birthday, Paul Millander was going in order…Gil's birthday is August 17, 1956 which was the killers next targets birthday.
"Yes, I do. I remember that case as if it were yesterday. His next target was your birthday. It did bother you, didn't it? You said it didn't, but you were worried about it, weren't you?" Gil looked deep into her eyes and she could see the pain that was fixed there.
"Yeah, it did. Every now and then there's a case that sneaks by and gets under my skin. There was nothing I could do though. It was just another case, another day. Besides, you were doing enough worrying for both of us. You know what the weird thing about it was?" Catherine shook her head. "…I wasn't scared of Millander until after he was dead. I had nightmares for weeks after about him. I kept—" He swallowed hard. "I keep having nightmares that I wake up in bed and he's hovering over me. God, do you know how bad I desperately wished for someone to be by my side during some of my worst nights? I still have nightmares about it which is…frightening. I thought they would go away by now…" He blinked. "…I never know what to expect. It's so bad at times that I can't sleep. Sometimes I'm too terror-stricken to even try to sleep." Gil held his head down in shame. He was a man, a supervisor. He's not supposed to be a wimp like this. Gil Grissom does not show any feelings.
"You weren't scared of him until he was dead? Why didn't you say anything? Gil, why didn't you tell me? I would've come over and stayed with you, kept you company, invited you over to my place…anything! Gil, it's only been about a month since that case, it'll take a while."
"Yeah, I don't know why I have nightmares about it after he's dead. Not one before. Why didn't I say anything? Because…I can't explain it. You know, it's really hard to keep your cool when inside you're filled with panic. Besides…" Long pause. "I'd look weak." Gil whispered the last words.
"What, because you're the 'leader of the pack' you can't be scared? What, because you're a man?"
"Something like that, yeah."
"Gil, that's the dumbest thing I've ever heard! Just because you're supervisor and a man, doesn't mean you can't have feelings or emotion. If a freak like that were after me, I'd be scared as hell. Look at me now?" Sighing heavily, she looked deep into his eyes. She felt as though she was submersed in all the shame he was holding in. It was enough to tear her heart out. "Next time, please come and talk to me right away. It doesn't have to be a public matter you know."
Gil nodded.
"You know another thing that scared me ever more?" Gil said in a raspy voice.
"What?" Catherine asked, surprised he was going to share more.
A/N: What an ending, eh? Not an ending to the story…just my stopping point to this chapter. Ha Ha Ha! I'm going to start working on the next chapter right now since I'm waiting for an "event," actually, an orientation to start at 4:30 PM, so I have about a half an hour more to burn. Thanks and remember, R&R! -Snyder-
