Real life inspiration for Shia: I shall give the Disclaimer! The authoress does not own Bleach! Seriously. She has none in her house. She uses wipes instead, because she spilled the last of the bleach on the carpet and made a blonde streak that she's hoping her stepfather won't notice! Oh, and I have to give the warning too! Here goes!

Warning: Much, much RANDOMNESS! This is what happens when the authoress was sleep-deprived for a few weeks! She was getting really twitchy! It was so funny!! Also, this has been completed for about two years and she never got around to it so I am updating for her! Yay! Uh-oh. (Authoress in background, yelling, "Where the hell is my laptop?!") I gotta go before she kills me! (Scurries away.)


Kasumi and Shuuhei were doing their paperwork in the office like usual. For once, Arianri had not bothered them with her weekly phone call yet, and Kasumi was beginning to get scared. Not for her adoptive mother of course, no she was terrified for herself. The longer Arianri went without calling her daughter, the higher the chances were that she would show up randomly in the office and disturb her work.

Shuuhei noticed her nervousness. "Are you okay, Kasumi?"

"I'm fine Captain," she replied, just as the door was thrown across the room and Arianri crashed in. "Not anymore," she amended.

"Hello, Kasumi! How is my favourite daughter doing today?!"

"Great, until you showed up. Why are you here? Are you skipping work again?"

The Captain-General of the American branch had enough of a conscience to look slightly guilty, while lying her ass off. "No, of course not! What makes you think that?"

Kasumi stared at her mother, before turning back to her paperwork. "Why couldn't you have just called, like normal? Then I could have put you on speakerphone so that I could work and ignore your ramblings at the same time."

"You ignore me? That's so mean!"

The girl rolled her eyes, while Shuuhei tried not to laugh at the pair.

Arianri then seemed to remember something. "Oh, you know the friends that you asked me to keep an eye on?"

Her daughter didn't like the sound of that.

"Well…Shia, Makielia, Christov, and Takimi are not the only ones who can see me now! They all can!"

Kasumi gave Arianri an incredulous look. "Really? All thirteen of them?" The color was starting to drain from the lieutenant's face.

"Yup!" Arianri quickly lunged for the phone on Kasumi's desk and started dialing before Kasumi could stop her.

"What are you doing?!"

"Calling them! Shia gave me her cell number and said that they would all be together today!" Arianri put it on speakerphone so that she could listen in, too.

Shuuhei didn't really feel like stopping them. It seemed like fun. He was just going to treat it as an extension of the weekly phone calls.

Kasumi was cut off in mid-shout by a voice (translated to Japanese by the phone) asking, "Hello?"

"Hiya, Shia!"

"Hello, Arianri! Hold on, let me put you on speakerphone so I don't drive off the road again." There were some rustling noises. "There! Say hello to Arianri, everyone!"

A chorus of people all shouted their greetings to the Captain-General.

"Hey, guys! Guess what?! I'm in Japan, and Kasumi is here! Say hello Kasumi!" Silence. "Kasumi, you could at least say hi to your old friends, couldn't you?"

"Don't feel like it," came the grumbled reply from the irritated girl. There was laughter from the other end of the line. "Mom, do you have any idea how much money this phone call is going to cost?"

The older woman shrugged. "No, and I don't really care."

There was a lot of laughter from the people who were still alive. As well as several people shouting what sounded like, "Ahhhh!!! Shia! Keep your eyes on the road!"

Shuuhei broke down laughing, as well. Kasumi gave him a death glare. "What?" he asked.

"Shut up!"

"Don't want to, and you technically can't make me."

"Hey! Kasumi!" three voices yelled at the same time.

"Hi Becky, Chloe, and Sarah. By the way, how did you know that I changed my name?" Arianri raised her hand. "Never mind."

"Who's the hot-sounding guy?! Is he hot?! Does he belong to you?!"

Kasumi looked around. "Hot guy?! Where?!" She blinked. "There's no one else besides me here, except for my mother and my Captain."

"That's really mean, Kasumi!"

"You deserved it. You laughed."

"Can we have him?" the girls all asked at the same time, again, deadly serious.

"I don't think that the Women's Association here would let you."

"Awwww! Are you sure?"

"Positive."

There were suddenly some screams of, "Oh shit!" and, "Watch out, Shia!" not to mention, "TREE!!!" Other random yells were also heard, "OH GOD WE'RE GOING TO DIE!!!!"

The line suddenly went dead, and a dial tone resounded throughout the office. Arianri and Shuuhei stared at Kasumi, who was beginning a countdown.

"Five…Four…Three…Two…One…"

Then the line came back on with the yell, "God dammit!!" and sounds of the cell phone being hit against something hard. "How about you get chucked out a window?!"

There was a small voice in the background, chanting like a mantra, "Hands on the wheel. Hands on the wheel. Hands on the wheel…"

A horn honked. Shia could be heard yelling, "Can't you see I'm driving, crazy people?!"

A quiet voice in the background mumbled, "No, not really."

"EYES ON THE GOD DAMN ROAD, SHIA!!!!"

"Fine! Why don't you take the phone then?!"

"OW! Why did you chuck the phone at me?! I didn't say anything!"

"Sorry, Christov. Automatic response."

"At least it wasn't a knife this time…" the boy mumbled. Then, "Hey, I think there's a signal! And a call…Hello?"

"Christov! You're magical!"

"Don't touch me!"

"Hands and eyes on the road, Shia."

"OK, Makielia!"

"When she says it, Shia just does it!"

Humming coming from the background, "I'm driving. I'm driving." Then a yell of, "Oooooh…Shiny!"

"SHIA!!!!!!!!!!"

"Hello, guys," Kasumi responded to Christov's question.

There was sudden silence on the other end of the line. Then, like the breaking of the Grand Coulee Dam, "KASUMI!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

More honking. A siren joined in. Silence again from the vehicle. Slowly, voices were heard, getting steadily louder by the second. "No, Shia, no. Bad Shia! Bad! This is a 25 mph zone, Shia!"

Then, suddenly, "LET'S RACE!!"

"NOOOOOOO!!!!!"

While listening to the random screams issuing from the phone, Shuuhei and Arianri stared at Kasumi, like she was somehow at fault for this.

"Yes, I realize my friends are legally insane. In fact, I think Shia now lives in an insane asylum."

"Then…why is she driving? Or even out, for that matter?"

Kasumi blinked, thinking about the question carefully before answering. (There are still screams coming from the phone.) She finally answered, "I have no idea. When I was alive, Shia and Makielia lived in the same house with me, and Makielia did most of the driving."

Arianri mumbled, "In America, you can voluntarily commit yourself. Then you can leave when you want to."

The siren disappeared from the noise from the phone. "I can't believe that Shia managed to escape from a cop car in a minivan," Christov whispered.

"I've noticed something," Kasumi remarked. "How come Chidiko and Yuna haven't said anything?"

"My name isn't Yuna!"

"Chidiko passed out awhile ago. And Yuna—"

"MY NAME ISN'T YUNA!!!"

"He's just been gripping his seat in terror."

"Why in the world did you let Shia drive in the first place?"

"We didn't. Takimi was the first driver."

"The shortest person drove the minivan?"

"Yes. After awhile, I ordered everyone out for a pit stop, and somehow I ended up in one of the front passenger seats along with Makielia. Then Shia just drove us away before we could switch again." Takimi sounded annoyed.

"I'm going to change the radio station," Christov announced. A slapping sound was heard.

"Do not touch the radio," Shia growled menacingly.

"Hands on the wheel, Shia!"

"Okay, vote time! Who is the worst driver here?" the chipper Chloe, Becky, and Sarah yelled.

"…Surprised she didn't die in a car crash—Kasumi." That was Shia.

"That's so mean! It's not nice to say something like that! Even if it's true, you must respect the dead!"

"You know, Christov, that was probably more insulting," Kasumi told him.

"Kasumi," Makielia deadpanned.

"…Kasumi…"

The lieutenant blinked. "Was…that…just…Chidiko?"

"Yeah, and he's still passed out."

"I refuse to answer the question on the grounds that I might incriminate myself. Cough, Kasumi, Cough."

"Takimi…" Kasumi began threateningly.

"Are you catching a cold?"

"No, Shia."

"Then what was that coughing?"

"…uhhhh…"

"Here's some cough medicide!"

"Don't you mean medicine?"

"Whatever!"

"Ow! Why did you throw it at me again?!"

"Sorry, Christov. Automatic response."

"That's what she said last time…"

"I've never actually ridden with her…so I wouldn't know…"

"Lucky you, Yuna."

"MY NAME ISN'T YUNA! I'M A GUY!"

"I'm not that bad of a driver!" Kasumi griped.

"Oh yeah? What about the time you forgot you were driving and drove into a ditch?" Shia informed her dead friend.

"That was a one-time thing…"

"And the time you got rear-ended because you had forgotten you were driving again and had stopped to watch the clouds?"

"Uhhhh….." Kasumi was steadily turning red.

"Remember when you nearly backed into a ravine because you couldn't see the road?"

"It was dark out! The road was really narrow! And I got someone to help me before I actually went into the ravine!"

"But, weren't they really drunk, too?"

"Uhhhh….."

"And there was that time when you rear-ended somebody—in the parking lot of the Department of Licensing, not two minutes after you got your license."

"Then there was also the time when you nearly took out that mailbox."

"How did you find out about that, Zane?"

"I was with you!"

"She didn't deny it…"

"Technically, she hasn't even tried to deny any of them," Arianri observed.

"Well, how's the weather?" Kasumi was desperate to get the attention away from her.

"Don't try to change the subject. It won't work."

"Weather here is fine! How's yours?"

"Shia! It's raining!"

"It is?"

"You're driving! How can you not notice that it's raining?!"

"I am?"

Silence ensued.

"Shia can change the subject better than I ever could."

The hyper, slightly insane girl started humming again. "Another day, another dollar, another dead body…"

Silence again from everyone else. More humming, "Dirty deeds, done dirt cheap!"

Kasumi didn't have to try hard to imagine the shocked looks Shia must be getting right about now, as Arianri and Shuuhei had some rather interesting ones plastered to their faces. "This is normal," she explained. "But still rather creepy."

"OH! We never finished the poll! Show of hands! Who thinks that Kasumi is the worst driver here?"

"One…Two...Twelve…Fourteen…"

"Hands on the wheel Shia!"

"Ummm…Shia? There's only thirteen people here."

"Then who's that next to Christov?"

"A dead person," Makielia answered.

"Oh, okay!"

There was a horrified scream from Christov in the background.

"We were just joking, Christov."

"Yay! I caught a Christov!"

"Let go of me, Zane!"

"You will be my precious pet and I will never let you go!"

"Scary thing is…he's serious…"

"AHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!"

"I even have a collar and leash right here!"

"The fact that he carried those around with him…"

"No! If he's going to put me in a collar, it has to be a blue shock-collar with jingly bells!"

"…You scare me sometimes, Christov…"

"Good thing I already bought you one!"

Screams from the depths of Hell itself issued from the phone.

Chomp!

"Ow! You bit me!"

"You tried to put a collar on me that totally clashed with what I was wearing."

"Uhhh…" came a new voice. "Guys, I need another pit stop…"

"Again, Kahmia?!"

"Oh lookie! There's one!"

Screaming.

"That was four lanes of traffic! Where in the world did you find this minivan?!"

"Find?????" Kasumi could practically see the blonde's confused look. "I didn't find it! I made it!"

"Shia…you've been driving us around…in a demonic car…you…"

"Don't call Frankie demonic!"

"You named your minivan Frankie?"

"No, I named him Frankenstein. Frankie is just easier to say. Right Frankie?"

The radio station in the van changed, and a slightly demonic, lazy, drifty voice came out, "Yeeeesssss." Then the station switched back. It seemed that everyone had forgotten Kasumi on the other end of the line.

"AWWW, Frankie's being talkative!"

"…I don't have to go anymore…"

"Umm…Makielia? Why are you twitching? Are you having a seizure or something?"

"Let's just have that pit stop."

"Ok! Everyone out!"

Kasumi could hear the doors all being slammed shut, with the phone still in the van. "Uh, guys? Hello? Anyone there?"

The radio suddenly switched itself on, and a slightly demonic, lazy, drifty voice started to sing. "I'm soooo loonnelllllyyyyyy…. You've grooown so cooold, Kasuuumiiiii…"



Theeerree wiiiillll be a seeeeccoonnd paaaaarrrt…Kekekekekeke….

(Authoress whimpering in the background. The real-life inspiration for Shia yelling, "Yay, Frankie!")

IIIIII foooouuunnndd yyyoooouuuu….Hehehehehehehehehe…kekekekekekekekekekekeke…