- Chapter 7: Rogue's Gallery -

Wendus and her tag-along interdimensional tourist gaped in amazement as the enormous winged beast blew past them and over the horizon. Just as it was disappearing from view, it opened its maw and let out a thunderous screech of a volume to wake the dead.

"Birdley."

Mario felt all the blood draining from his face. "Now Wendy-"

"That cave on the other side – it's the only way," she growled as she lowered her visor and started toward the edge – where she held up short. "Damn! How do we... if we drop down here we'll never be able to climb up the far shore. We have to catch up to him!"

"Maybe I still have a Magic Leaf," he whispered, reaching automatically for his pockets – and wincing when his hand and arm cannon clanged against his legs. "Aw, crap! I forgot I was dressed up like a can of tomato soup!"

"I have an idea." Taking quick aim, she loosed a flurry of Missile Bills at the roots of a few enormous hanging stalactites along the edge of the vast canyon. Some of them disintegrated upon impact with the ground, but the others merely stuck fast, giving them a near-complete walkway to cross.

"You weren't joshing," Mario said with no small amount of awe.

"Butter me up later! We have a monstrosity to tail!"

Without pausing for breath, the pair made their way along jagged cliffs of frozen moisture and through glistening caverns until they reached an enormous temple crusted over with the prevalent ice, nearly cut off. They looked in either direction, but there seemed to be no way around it.

"The way to Birdley is through here," she snapped. "Come on, we're wasting time."

"Are you sure we should go in there?" Mario asked quietly. "It looks like it could crash down around our heads if we sneeze."

"This is no time to lose your spine, tenderfoot!" Without even waiting for him, she barreled inside and raised her arm cannon, emanating fury and purpose. Mario was glad she was more or less on his side or he wouldn't stand a chance.

Before they got too far, they met a large, velociraptor-like beast – that met its end shortly thereafter. Mario had been steeling himself for a long, bloody battle with the ugly thing, but Wendus took to the air, did a quick flip, and rained down destruction upon its body. He scarcely had time to fire one or two shots before it was a puddle of unrecognizable organic matter.

"Rage, much?" he muttered.

"I can still hear you," she growled. "Honestly, you're really bad with the commlink; if you're going to talk to yourself, sever the connection."

"Maybe you're the one who needs to sever a connection. You're making this so personal that you're running in with guns blazing. I mean, I'm all for it, leading with the left hook and all, but on the other hand I'm up against a bunch of beasties that I've never even heard of before. What if the next big dumb bag of teeth is immune to all our attacks?"

"Then we'll improvise on the fly. I have no time to waste on strategizing if I'm going to catch up to my archenemy."

Mario opened his mouth to reply, but she was already off and through the next door. He almost followed her blindly before he noticed something shiny discarded in a corner. He ran past and picked it up before joining the only soul he knew within a thousand miles.

"Get the lead out, plumber!" she snapped. "Unless you want to stay there and keep the ghosts of elders in the chapel company!"

"What do you suppose this thing does?"

Without slowing, Wendus glanced over her shoulder at the object he was holding up. "Looks like some kind of suit add-on. I'm not chancing it, we have no idea what it'll do."

"We have no way of scanning it first? Even with all these over-complicated doodads? I think you got gypped, girly girl."

"You flirt with disaster on a regular basis, don't you?" she shot at him in a tone several shades angrier than it had been previously. "If we weren't hot on Birdley's trail right now, I swear by all the moons of-"

"You swear what?" he goaded. "What are you gonna do, kick my human heinie?"

"RRRGH!"

"Sorry, Wendy, I don't speak Cro-Magnon."

Finally, she turned and grabbed him around the neck, pinning him to the door she had been about to enter. "You have got to be THE thickest-skulled dunderhead I have EVER known and I HATE you!"

"Aww," he cooed. "Did I say something wrong?"

"You…" She took a few deep breaths, and his suit's heads-up display registered a warning that increasing pressure was threatening to buckle the neckplates of his suit. "You insipid…"

"Okay, okay, I'm sorry! But come on, somebody's gotta dial you back a notch or you'll get both of us smeared across Mallow IV!"

"Take off your helmet."

Mario didn't want to take off his helmet. It was probably at the very bottom of the list of things he didn't want to do at that moment. He took it off anyway. Wendus reached up and held her arm cannon to his face; it began to glow brighter, and brighter, and then small motes of light began to pop in front of his face, the tiny sparks burning his skin. "OW, OWOWOW!"

Wendus turned her arm at the last second and fired directly backward, causing some ancient structure or other to crumble into a pile of pebbles. "That will be you the next time you call me Wendy. Gadd can have his filthy credits back; I'm not stomaching any more of your ridiculousness. Read me?"

"Yeah, sure, Miss Oran. Whatever you say goes."

She dropped him to the ground, picked up his helmet and threw it at him. "Suit up before this Yozo air mixture makes you lightheaded. We have prey to stalk."

"Roger Dodger."

The instant she opened the door, they knew it would be a lot more difficult to catch up to Birdley than they expected.

"BLAST!" Wendus cried as she dove to one side, avoiding the worst of the turret's onslaught. "Looks like we've found ourselves another heavily-guarded stronghold!"

"Okay," Mario panted as he struggled into his helmet. "I'm popping this add-on… uh, on. Let's see if it juices up my arsenal any."

"I still think that's a bonehead maneuver."

Once it was in place, he got a few messages flashing across his visor but they didn't have time to squander on reading leisurely. He jumped out from the safety of the portal's edge, took aim at one of the guns and let fly.

"Whoa…"

"Don't just stand there!" she barked. "Take the other one out, too!" Once he had done so, she leaned over to cautiously inspect his handiwork. "Ah, I see. Ice Beam."

That's exactly what it was; both turrets were frozen solid. Wendus took aim and fired with her own standard beam and the metallic implements of doom shattered. "Neat."

"You betcha," she replied.

"Okay, let's go smear this sucker."

"Hang on." She clapped the non-cannon hand to his shoulder as she passed. "Listen… you were being a nitwit, but I crossed a line when I shoved my charge beam in your face. Overkill."

"Are you… can it be you're… are you really… apologizing?" he half-gasped, as if it was the single most astounding event in his life.

"Not anymore," she seethed, stomping away down the hallway. She only got halfway to the door when it opened and a creature stepped out, carrying something that looked suspiciously like a cup of coffee.

"BLEEERCHK?" the Space Plumber ululated in surprise.

"Crap!" Wendus hissed. That was all any either of them said for the next several seconds as first the boiling hot beverage was chucked at them, and then all three beings opened fire, trying to drill holes in the other team while avoiding having holes drilled into themselves. Being that it was two-on-one, Wendus and Mario made short work of their opponent.

"Guess the stealth approach has been nixed," Mario panted. "Let's just run in there and-"

"I agree!"

Nodding at each other, Mario shot the door and they charged into the next room, startling at least ten Space Plumbers and proving to Mario that those doors were probably soundproof. Bolts of energy and explosive missiles sailed through the air in every direction, and a few scorchmarks budded on his once-pristine armor when he suffered some narrow misses (and not-so-narrow direct hits). Around the time an automated defense drone was retreating for the door, Mario remembered his add-on and froze it so Wendus could get a clear shot with a Missile Bill, which she did.

"Great," the Space Hunter said, only slightly out of breath whereas Mario wanted nothing more than to collapse against something and black out. "So… so we're not dead. That's a blessing, isn't it?"

"I… I'm not so sure… if we were dead, then at least we… wouldn't be this… exhausted…"

"Speak for yourself, pudgy buns." After taking another few seconds to cool down, she crossed to a control panel and jacked her cannon into a panel that looked like it was tailored for it. "Hmm… okay, we're in Glacier One, blah blah blah, don't care. Ah, here we are. Interesting…"

"Feel like sharing?"

"Listen to this: 'Trizon ore is extremely durable and blast-resistant. Although the armor-like qualities of this substance provide remarkable protection, thermal imaging can be used to detect vulnerable areas in casing. Improvements must be made in the event that these weaknesses are found by aggressors.' Hmm…"

"Hmm."

"You don't even know what I'm 'hmm'ing about," she grunted in disgust.

"Maybe I do, maybe I don't."

"Sounds like they're using whatever this stuff is to ramp up their defenses. Be on your toes from here on out, we may be up against some really tough customers."

Mario nodded. "Probably good advice. Now, where are we headed?"

"I'm glad you asked," she told him with a hint of amusement as she turned to a neighboring door. "From the map I just downloaded, I know that there's a research lab somewhere in this direction. If Birdley is anywhere on this base, it would be there. Playing God."

The following room was far more interesting. Once the scientists and their guardian drones had been dispatched, both of them spent a few minutes gaping at the contents of stasis tubes. They were so hideous that Mario began to turn as green as the creatures were.

"I don't like the sound of this," Wendus whispered.

"Can't be much worse than anything we've run into so far."

"Yeah? Can't it? 'Mining operations have been initialized near the crater where the energy source codified as Trizon appears to be most concentrated. Daily Trizon yields have increased 44%, and our mining system becomes more streamlined as personnel and equipment are relocated to Mallow IV.'"

Mario shrugged as he picked up a strange instrument whose purpose he could only nauseously guess at. "So what? Didn't we already know all this?"

"Oh, there's more: 'Several incidents of Trizon-induced dementia have been reported, prompting augmented life-support filter regulations in subterranean barracks. Symptoms include loss of equilibrium, labored respiration, muscle spasms, and in the most extreme cases, persistent hallucinations.' Care to revise your opinion on the danger levels?"

"Okay… I can be wrong on rare occasion, can't I?"

"Do you realize what would happen if these idiots began shipping this radioactive garbage all over the Rosetta Galaxy? Everything would implode. Not just lives, but the quality of life for everyone is at stake here, and you could care less!"

"I care," Mario protested angrily. "I just don't know how we're supposed to track down your flying friend and shut down a dangerous illegal mine in the process! You wanna split up?"

"Like I'd let you wander around free on this planet," she scoffed, folding her arms. "You'd incinerate yourself within the hour. Probably by tripping over your own feet and firing your own arm cannot at your own face."

Mario shrugged. "Right. Or I could stick around and let you do that for me. Shouldn't be too long before you try it again, Miss Short-Fuse."

At that, Wendus fell silent, at least moderately ashamed of her previous actions. The tension reached a breaking point over the course of a minute or so, and then she turned to the nearest door and blasted it open – this time with a missile, sending hard, unforgiving bits of metal in all directions.

"Feel better?"

"Much. Let's wipe the floor with these scum." However, contrary to her words, she didn't sound any better. In fact, she sounded even angrier than before… but Mario couldn't honestly say if she was still angry at him, or at herself.

When they reached the top of the next room, they found themselves standing around a large holographic projection of a solar system. Wendus gazed up at it for a few moments, then began scanning databanks one by one. "Hey," Mario said as he peered at one. "That's where we are – Mallow IV, right?"

"Mm."

"Betelgeusia, Delfebes, Rigel V… wait, Delfebes, that one's familiar."

"We were just there a few days ago, outlier. Do you have asteroids for brains or something?"

Mario turned to glance at her, then turned back. "'A class XIII planet, Delfebes is inhospitable to most bioforms. The world was considered useless and extraneous until it became a secret base for the Space Plumber armada.' Didn't you say that's where those Yozo guys used to hang their hats?"

"Ooh, check this out!"

At the uncharacteristic enthusiasm present in Wendus's voice, he turned – just in time to see an enormous blast erupt from the barrel of her cannon, removing a door entirely from their plane of existence.

"WHAT-" Then he coughed and began again. "What in the name of Jerry Garcia was that?"

"Super Missile Bill." She turned to Mario, hands on hips, and he could hear the grin over her audio feed. "It's just an update to the cannon's firmware that combines the force of the charge beam with the missiles, but I'd say it packs a real wallop, wouldn't you?"

"I'd say it should be banned throughout the universe!"

"Probably should; that's why I found it in the villains' computer network, I suppose. Might come in handy either way. And I can wade through all the data I collected later; for now, let's explore the rest of this base and hope we get lucky."

"Because everything's been coming up four-leaf clovers so far." Still, he followed her without any real protestation, along a catwalk and into another elevator shaft. Up they rode, and Mario was just readying to say something when the door swooshed open – and, of course, they were under attack. "YAAIGH!"

Wendus dove through and laid waste to everything within sight, arm almost a blur as it switched directions at several times faster than human speed. Not to be outdone so easily, Mario made quick work of a few of their numbers, serrated arms often coming within inches of his helmet before he could blow a hole in the abdomen of the creature wielding such a deadly natural weapon. Out of habit, he jumped on a few of them, but it didn't seem to be quite as effective a tactic as it had been in the Mushroom Kingdom; at best, it dazed the Space Plumbers, and at worst he merely ended up losing his balance and landing with a great thud!

"Let's go," Wendus barked at him as she used a nearby seat cushion to hurriedly wipe pinkish blood from her visor so she could see. "The more of our time we let them take up, the further behind we fall."

"I know this is a stupid question," he said as she punched the button for the elevator opposite the one they had rode up, "but… has anybody ever tried reasoning with these crazy things? I mean, I'm not gonna pretend they've extended a single olive branch our way since we made planetfall, but come on, this is some serious warfare we're waging! Didn't anybody give peace a chance, even just once?"

"They're not interested," she grunted as she turned to close the door. "All they- LOOK OUT!"

A bolt of light flew over Mario's shoulder. They both turned to see the glass had been shattered and a Space Plumber was flying in through it – flying, with an enormous jetpack strapped to itself. Before the door finished closing, Wendus loosed one of those Super Missile Bills, and a single fleck of viscera managed to squeeze through the tiny gap between door and jamb before it slammed shut and the elevator began to descend. The fleck landed on Mario's arm, of course.

"Great," he sighed shakily, quite rattled by the suddenness of the attack from behind. "Because I was so clean to begin with."

"We can't drop our guard for even a second. Not when we're balls-deep in enemy territory."

Mario shot her a glance, surprised at the turn of phrase she used. "You know, for an extremely attractive woman, you're kind of a… dude."

There was only enough time for him to see her helmet swivel over to point at him before the elevator door opened again, cutting off whatever comment she was about to make. Maybe that was for the best.

Both explorers stepped cautiously into the room, cannons up, eyes sharp. This particular branch of the base appeared to be deserted. Relaxing – if only a tiny bit – they advanced a few paces. "No signs of active life, just things in stasis. A lot of this equipment is interfering with my sensors, though; too many signal feedback loops in one place or something."

"Woof," Mario remarked as he peered into one of the tubes along the walls. "They've got some stuff in here that makes Bowser look like Marilyn Monroe."

She turned back to him with a slight nod to herself. "Right. Well, regardless of whoever those people are, I think we're done here. Maybe if we head through into… oh, black hole."

For an instant, Mario thought she really had found a black hole and was hoping everything he'd heard about them in his high school astronomy class wasn't true. Then he realized she was using it as a curse, though he couldn't figure out what the matter was.

"Sure," he said as he joined her in staring at the large tube in the center of the room, "it's not the cutest little bugger I've ever seen, but what's the big deal?"

"I… I hoped I'd never see one again after the last time." An audible gulp carried over their commlink. "Slagging space junk, we need to fall back. We need to fall back now."

"Why, what is it?"

Almost as if in answer to his question, the tube shattered and the roundish green-brown spheroid erupted from its insides, hovering in the air without any visible source of propulsion, four tusks gleaming in the artificial light. Wendus only uttered one quiet word by way of response:

"Goomboid."

*To Be Continued!*


NOTES: Uh-oh! Here comes the evil of all evils! Sorry again for taking so long to get on with this but as you can probably see I was working on a little KingKiller one-shot. Now that that's out of the way, we'll go back to really belting out this MarioMetroidMashup! I promise it's gonna get good! Stay tuned!