This is a really short update; I apologize. With the holidays and work travel, I have been allocated very little time for writing. I want to be able to really put the time and thought into this story and show the characters, disease and storyline the respect it deserves...I am hoping it is well written. I am working on the additional part of this update but wanted to get something out since it has been so long. Thank you all for reading and for reviewing


Targeted radiation therapy

Just the sound of it stunned him into silence. He had accepted his diagnosis with reserve, cautiously nodding his head at the doctor's words as Sara sat next to him, her hand holding tightly to his. He remembered looking to her, imploring her for any sign that what the doctor was telling him was horribly wrong…that somehow it was all a mistake, a misinterpretation of his medical records, a huge misunderstanding…but instead what he saw behind her beautiful chocolate eyes was profoundly painful grief and he knew there was no mistake

He had cancer.

And after, his doctor kept asking if he was alright; would he be alright?

No. He had wanted to tell him No. I'm dying…how can I be alright?

"You're the doctor" he found himself saying "I believe you are the one who can tell me if I am going to be alright"

There was a canned response. Something about new chemotherapy medications and radiation techniques combined with drug therapy and aggressive treatments. If he was healthy enough, the doctor told them, he had a 5 to 10% chance of increasing his life expectancy by 5 years.

Gil was dumbstruck. Healthy enough? What the hell did that mean? He was 56-years old…what kind of percentage did that give him?

Next to him, Sara caught her breath. She had expected this answer; she had already been told this answer…she had heard this same prognosis time and time again. No matter how many times she had asked the question, no matter how many times she had pushed for another alternative, the answer had always been the same.

But hearing the doctor say it to Gil and feeling his hand tighten on hers at the words, made the answer even more inevitable

Seeing the quiet torment in Sara's gaze as their eyes met, Gil agreed to the treatments. He agreed to the drug therapy, the hours of chemotherapy, nodded and acknowledged and signed forms that said he understood that his treatment could potentially make him very ill, lose his hair and deplete his immune system, leaving him virtually defenseless against infection. The more he signed and the more he nodded and the more he agreed to the never-ending list of stipulations, the more panicked he began to feel.

Suddenly and with a thundering realization, he understood that all of this meant that his life was coming to an end; that his time with Sara would be over, that his children may not remember him in more than fleeting memories triggered by unspoken events…that his life would leave a minute dent on them that would soon begin to fade. He would miss every major event in their life: their first softball game, their first day of grade school, watching them learn to drive and go to proms and graduate from high school. He would not witness them attend college, stand proudly with Sara during commencement ceremonies…that the day his daughter married, it would be someone else who gave her away at the alter

He was going to leave his children the same way his father had left him

The terror he felt was excruciating and he turned to Sara "I don't think that I can do this"

She was quiet "Gil…."

"I cannot leave Alex and Audrey…."

"Sweetheart…"

His panic was growing and he began to feel light headed "I cannot leave you…"

"Gilbert…" she was soft, moving so smoothly that he hardly realized she had drawn close to him until she wrapped her arms around him to pull him into her gentle embrace. She kissed his forehead softly, moving her lips close to his ear as she whispered "Then don't leave us….we can fight this, Gilbert…I know you"

He felt the anxiety begin to ebb the moment her arms encircled him, the feeling that she was somehow breathing in his panic to remove it from him was surreal "What will you do if I die?"

There was no answer. Instead, she pressed her lips to the top of his thinning hair and held them there a moment. Though Gil could not see her, she was silently fighting the tears that sprung to her eyes. After a quick glance at the doctor she said "Let's just finish with all of this bureaucratic paperwork…" she pulled back so she could smile at him "…and then I think it's time for Alex and Audrey to see their daddy. After all, if they don't soon I very well believe I could be tarred and feathered by the end of the week"

He smiled despite himself and she worked along with him to finish getting the never ending pile of paperwork complete. After, she wheeled him to the veranda in silence, both of them afraid of the answer to the one question that was looming so darkly around them:

What would she do if he died?


'Why?' Audrey's question, combined with the cautious look in her eyes, made Sara cringe. She had decided the night before Gil's meeting with the doctor that she would tell the children where Gil really was. It was apparent that neither of them completely understood it

Sara took a deep breath and began to explain to them again. They were all three sitting in the coarse grass of the back yard where the children had been on the hunt for some illusive insect to add to Audrey's collection. Around them, their toys lay forgotten or discarded…their power wheels against the fence where they'd simulated a police chase that ended in a road block (Alex's had suffered a catastrophic break down when the front axle fell off upon impact), their sandbox was full of half-buried 'bad guys' and the random dinosaur…the pool was virtually deserted as their inflatable sea monsters bobbed slightly in the breeze that blew them gently around the water.

And now they sat cross legged in front of Sara, forming their own small circle as she attempted to explain in words that a 4 year old could understand.

'Daddy's very sick' she told them again, noticing with acuteness the way that Alex studied her lips, her hands and her ever single movement 'He's in the hospital'

'Why is he in the hosbible? Does he have a cold?' Audrey asked her

Sara thought for a moment 'It is a very bad cold but they are trying to get him better so that he can come home'

'But Mommy fixes colds' Audrey said matter-of-factly

'Mommy can't fix Daddy's cold' Sara replied

Audrey furrowed her eyebrows and Alex cocked his head to one side the way Gil always did while trying to fully understand something. His hands lifted, he stopped, and then he put them down 'It was the bad men' He said

Sara was confused 'What bad men, Alex?' She did not use sign, instead being sure to enunciate her words

He studied her mouth intently and then signed as he spoke 'The bad men took him away'

'They hurt Daddy!' Audrey suddenly exclaimed, her eyes growing wide 'The bad men took Daddy!'

'No, Sweetheart…' Sara reached out to brush Audrey's hair softly, reaching to pull Alex into her lap at the same time. 'Listen…' she said as Audrey moved closer '…those were not bad men…they were paramedics…you both remember what a paramedic is, right?'

Audrey nodded her head as Alex stayed silent, intently studying Sara 'What do paramedics do, Audrey?'

The little girl smiled almost happily, bouncing on her folded legs 'They help people!' she exclaimed 'Like doctors…only they get to drive a big truck like the ice cream man!'

Sara smiled at the innocence 'Sort of…and they help people who are very sick get to the doctor so that they can get better'

Alex was staring at her carefully, his small face only a few inches from her own. His eyebrows were furrowed in a look of extreme concentration as he watched her mouth moving and she could see that he was trying hard to match the words with her lip movements. Reading lips was a new thing for him; something he had started doing only a few days before…she had no idea where the idea had come from. After a few moments he asked 'Will they bring him back?'

She hugged him 'No, baby….but we can'