"Zell!" Cid took several steps forward to grab my arm and shake it. "It's good to see you. Many of us were worried about your return." His old eyes were examining me. His face worn and wrinkled with age and worry, he was still the same Cid.
"Headmaster," I grinned, it had been good to see his old trampled face – the familiarity of it hadn't changed a bit. "There wasn't any need to worry really. You told us we would all come back safely."
"But even I had my reservations. It was up to your own will to return – and I still worry after my students as though they were my own children." He placed his hand on my back pushing me forwards. We settled down in some armchairs around a small coffee table that sat to the side of the office. "Tell me how you've been settling back in."
"It's been a little difficult – but I'm handling it."
"As are we all – this sorceress war was nowhere near as horrific as the last. But it has still left a definite mark upon us all. Have you done some travelling in your time off?" I scoffed, surprised – but not meaning to offend him. He seemed caught off guard by it. So I moved to explain to him.
"Time off? I hadn't even been thinking of my useless empty time as 'time off' or as holidays – it never occurred to me that relaxing was even an option."
"I think it would be best for you all to relax after all you've done. There are more than enough SeeD to look after the tasks that need attention."
"But I want to be put to use. I hate this idle time with nothing to do – no objectives or missions. Assign me to something." His face creased into a smile, he nodded his head slowly. "I need to be doing something – I mean, even now we're busier than ever, and another pair of hands helps doesn't it?"
"So very like Quistis' debate with me." He only smiled softly and sat there as though contemplating something. And I sat there trying to figure out what to ask him first – how to ask him and not sound so stupidly interrogative. "She tells me you've been very restless."
"Yeah – I mean the wars over and all," I scratched my head frowning, fidgeting with my hands as I spoke. "There's still so much that doesn't make a breath of sense to me. And –" I bit my lip, not sure how to continue. "What about the repercussions for some of us?"
"I have been speaking with some of the powers that be already – Garden pupils and SeeDs fall under Garden jurisdiction," he took a breath – looking far off. "I've tried very hard to do what I can for you all. I fear that it has always fallen short of the mark."
"But if, if they're caught -?" He didn't seem to feel the need to question who I was talking about.
"Fujin and Raijin have already been seen to – they returned in time before some changes in attitudes occurred. They are safe. There has been some questioning of my judgement there, and the face that Edea has not been produced for trial. I currently do not hold as much respect as you may think, and Garden is being tainted by my mistakes"
"But we and you aren't at fault here."
"No – but my wife was utilised as a terrible tool by Ultimecia, I do everything to protect her. I have not admitted that she has returned to any but you who were raised by her. My bias toward her is obvious even with this concealment.
"Several of our own SeeDs and Cadets played significant roles in her uprising. Rinoa, unfortunately a contractor of SeeD was used also. Galbadia was manipulated to such extremes –" he sounded so tired as he sighed, removing his glasses to rub his face. I could see how there could be argument that Garden played a hand in the riding of the sorceress. But it still seemed such a surreal judgement for people to logically make. "It is difficult to rationalise our deep involvement Zell. Perhaps we can say we were a prime target and puppet for her – but it is still my fault."
"But it was SeeD who ended the war! We were able to get to Ultimecia and finally defeat her," I raised my voice angrily, he didn't reprimand me for lashing out – only nodded slightly as I sat up to grip the corners of the armchair. "If it wasn't for us –"
"But we are faced with the same argument. If it were not for us – perhaps none of this would have come to pass. It is a ludicrous circular argument to fight over, what's done is done. But the reputation of Garden is not what it once was. If you are sent on any missions you must be aware of this."
"Will you give me a mission?" I wanted to whoop with the prospect of helping, of doing something. Anything!
"If you are up for it, if you really want it – I have a mission you will be helpful in I believe." I opened my mouth to ask – but he knew it even on my face. "Quistis will remain; I need her here more than ever. She may not have commanded the needed respect and control over students as an instructor. But she proves to be an invaluable strategist with our plans."
"What's the mission?"
"Let me ensure the details are organised first. You will be sent for within the week. Ensure you are prepared for quick light travel, stealth will be a priority. But keep in mind what I have said; Garden is not a badge of pride to be worn with high regard anymore." I looked away angrily.
"I know we weren't wrong in the war – none of us were."
"I only hope you can hold onto that belief."
We both remained silent for a few long moments, his eyes distant. Did he not believe that we weren't at fault? He sounded like it, and it made me wonder what use was there in my self-affirming convictions if even my leaders thought we were even partly to blame? Had everything we did been for nothing, amounted to nothing?
I was bitterly reminded of Selphie's far off gaze one night in Deling – sitting in an armchair gazing out the window with her as hail cracked against the streets outside. It had been a long miserable day, everything seemed to be turning up dead-ends and pointless victories. The city was so different from home and I wanted everything to return to how it was, I told her so quietly in the room.
"I wish we were back home."
"Home doesn't exist anymore Zell, not for –"
I had thought she meant herself; Trabia being gone. Her watery gaze focused on the rivulets of rain running against the glass. It was a temporary crack in her normally positive personality I thought. Mourning the raw soreness of losing something so close to the heart and loved. But now reflecting on that single moment made me realise just how much she had realised so early on. How oblivious we all were in winning against evil and coming out as heros.
Not for any of us – that was what she had never finished saying. Would she return here at all? I hadn't heard much talk about the rebuilding of Trabia. When would she and Irvine be back there? There were thoughts that ran below that sunny grin; I hoped that she was all right.
Edea, Fujin and Raijin had been quick to return from time compression – we, the 'hero's' were slowest. Was there meaning behind that? The thought caught my attention and wouldn't leave.
"Headmaster?" His gaze fixated on me again. "Are there any issues I should be acutely aware of right now?"
"Quistis tells me you have been most concerned about your peers. To my gravest dismay when I looked to protect Edea from her involvement. I did not account for the great backlash – it was obvious really. I do not have enough leverage in powerful circles to protect her, so she must remain in hiding.
"Rinoa was very lucky for Laguna's assistance in leveraging her involvement and how it was portrayed to the public. But Edea… It has never been questioned that we take care of our own at all times – even when it means punishment. Although I said Fuujin and Raijin are safe, they are safe from any legal means of punishment. Edea wants to see them join her personal SeeD for protection. Seifer… I believe I would not be able to protect him at all."
"What do you mean?"
"Someone must pay for everything that has happened Zell – I will protect Edea until the end. And the only person that can exonerate him is her testimony… and they would both be at risk. I don't believe either would be spared."
"So it was all Ultimecia then, she paid for her crimes."
"And yet so few were witness to this strike of punishment Zell, we are terrible beings – we crave for things that we have been fighting against for years."
I wanted to curse and swear. Cid would let Seifer take the full weight of the worlds hate knowing that Matron could attest to his innocence? I grit my teeth. Revenge, it never ended did it. Both of them would be executed – there was no doubt in my mind now. No one would accept that they were innocent. I resented everything we stood for in those moments of silence as Cid watched me with a keen eye – I despised it and wanted it all to crash to the ground.
How worthless we were if we couldn't even protect our own. Especially if they were innocent – couldn't even begin to understand; only seeking selfishly and blindly after what we hungered for. So fucking stupid! I remember the moments in Galbadia Garden – punishment… I felt bile rising in my throat. I felt the shake of sickness rising up – disgusting and wretched. I felt dirty being a part of it all. I pressed my hand over my eyes, stilling my breathing.
"I didn't think you would be so violently affected by this news."
"He's a fucking person!" I screamed at him. I stood up with such violent force I knocked the armchair back. My hands clenched and unclenched, needing something to clutch onto and break. "He was one of us! He's not –"
I covered my face with my hand again, hanging my head down. Why was I defending him so violently now – after all my running thoughts – conversations, mixed feelings – I knew the grim tendrils of accusation kept running along pointing their fingers at him. He was a bully! He hurt you every chance he got!
But as I tried to understand the war, it wasn't so clean cut anymore. I didn't want to be like the rest of them. I didn't want revenge on my hands – blood or more death; we had killed enough under this cause – more than enough.
I felt Cid's hands rest on my shoulders, he murmured quietly.
"It's okay Zell – I'm glad, I fear for his return, he cannot survive in a world of enemies."
No one could – even Ultimecia couldn't survive, with all her power – she was still alone. Terribly alone.
"Edea will be glad to hear that you care for him," I looked away. Care? "She worries for him most of all. Her regrets are most raw in regards to him – I think you would be a great weight off her mind there."
"I'd never want him dead! I didn't even when –"
"Zell, that's not what I was saying, it isn't what she believes." His eyes were old and penetrating,
"When I spoke to Fujin and Raijin – they, they basically said it would be better for him not to return." My voice came out hoarse. I wanted to stop catching on his existence – I had to move on. We had shared so much history though. "That he'd be better off dead, dead rather than even go into hiding."
"My hopes for that not to be true are faint-hearted Zell. How are they doing?"
"They seemed fine the last time I saw them – reserved but fine."
"Edea wanted to see them, apologise for all that happened – they refused, outright." He smiled, as though laughing at an inside joke. "She told me – very firmly, that explanations hugs and tears would not solve anyone's problems."
"Fujin strung a sentence together?" I was taken aback – for I had never heard the girl speak – well normally. It was always that harsh biting command-like proclamation of words to form ideas and convey meaning. It seemed so alien – and then it settled in as normality once I'd heard it enough. Outsiders would probably see interactions with her as difficult and bizarre.
"Her softly spoken words when spoken are not to be taken as lightly as her voice. It would seem she only speaks so when the need is required."
His words made me think about her lack of need to create normal sentences to communicate. Her language – one could call it, had evolved to mean much more than lengthy sentences. Maybe she thought we were all long winded idiots.
"I never knew."
"Only those closest to her or respected by her knew. It is a wonderful little secret I have found amusing to keep." His smile creased his skin and cheeks and his eyes lit up mirroring the amusement in his tone. He had placed them all on the Disciplinary Committee with Seifer…
Again my mind wandered through hallways of the past. The old posse stalking the walkways of Garden, reprimanding Cadets. How many times had I been picked on? Countless times. They were inseparable, and they had followed Seifer into a terrible war. Family – that is what Fuujin had called them.
"Headmaster –"
"You need to worry less. I can see it all over your face Zell." He placed his hand on my bicep and gave a light squeeze of reassurance. It felt father like, but distance. It confused me, as did many of the sad looks he gave all of us. The long stares across rooms and in Ragnarok. Small conversations and tightened forced smiles over the years.
I always wondered what the words beneath everything were – what was it he always wanted to say – but seemingly forever held back?
"Now, if you'll excuse me Zell. I should be attending to things, too much to do around here."
I nodded, leaving him to his duties. At least I would soon be sent on a mission. I let the thought of being in action, being of use wash over me. Finally, something to look forward to.
"Zell," the voice was faint in my mind. Why was it so cold?
"Zell, Zell!" Who was that, they sounded urgent. I felt groggy, agitated, and my head was swimming. I tried shifting, and felt as though my limbs were lead.
"Zell are you okay?" All I could do was grunt in reply. "Zell, what happened?"
The light of day was blinding as I opened my eyes, seeing the opaque ceiling of the training centre it came back to me. "Dizzy," I said slurring my speech slightly.
"You're coming with me to see Dr. Kadowaki, do you think you can walk with me there? Zell, pay attention, you, go find Commander Quistis right now and have her come here."
"Yes Commander."
"Zell-"
"Mhm?" Had it been cold? Suddenly it felt like a warm blanket had been wrapped around me… Hyne I was so tired.
Waking up this time I felt lucid. The first thing my senses noticed was the smell of the infirmary. I had been fighting in the training centre, I remember sitting down feeling a little light headed and I must have passed out. Perhaps I had not noticed a sleep spell? I shifted to sit up, and failed. Obviously my body was not as alert as my mind.
"Now, tell me what happened and not one more lie." It was the firm motherly voice of Dr. Kadowaki, but I couldn't see her, the curtain was drawn.
"We were just… we weren't fighting for real. I swear!" A young voice, I smiled, remembering times when I was on the receiving end of Dr. Kadowaki's stern lectures. There had been a time when I sought to solve the problem of Seifer's ever present sneer and cocky remarks with violence. Rarely did I ever come out on top in those situations.
"Not real fighting? You're arm is broken and Cadet Firn has a minor concussion. I will be recommending that neither of you will fit for your next field exam."
"No! No, I can fight with a broken arm!" The Cadet whined, it wasn't a ridiculous notion. The condition of your body during ceaseless fighting was not always prime. I remembered fighting several Galbadian soldiers with a broken jaw, the pain threatening to blind my resolve. It had been Selphie with a reserve of curative magic that helped me out, we had exchanged spells and kept on fighting.
"No, you will not. The Disciplinary Committee has been notified and you are both not to leave Garden under any circumstances until they decide fitting punishment. Do you understand?"
"Yes."
"Absolute rest for you, report to your Instructor at 0800 hours tomorrow. They will be in charge of you from here."
"Yes."
I heard the curtain pull back and Dr. Kadowaki smiled at me.
"You're awake I see. It's been a long time since I've seen you lying in one of these beds Zell." She sat on the bed beside me, resting a hand on my arm. "You're an adult now Zell – you should be treating yourself with more care, you know better than this." She paused looking at me pointedly, I said nothing. "I'll let them know you're awake." She got up and walked out.
Them? I had just been training – it wasn't that big a deal. It was true that I had been spending a lot of time training, both alone and with groups of cadets. Reading wasted only so much time and I felt restless a lot. Cid said he would be sending me on a mission – that had been several days ago. Surely once I was put to use it would get my spirits high again. Get my blood pumping; the rush that came with real accomplishment. Not the dull satisfaction of killing another monster in the training grounds, or the weaker monsters surrounding garden.
"Zell!" I turned my head to the infirmary door. Neither the voice nor the face was familiar to me and I fixed her with a puzzled look. "I mean, um, hi!"
"Hey… do I know you?" I asked.
"No you don't." She smiled shyly and edged herself closer; she looked as uneasily, at the seat beside the bed. I flicked my eyes towards it.
"It's not currently taken." I stated.
"Thank you." And so she sat down. She bit her lip looking at me and then gave another little smile.
"So," I cleared my throat. "Pleasure to meet you…?"
"Oh, I'm Larnia," immediately my mind clicked into gear. The girl from the library everyone insisted had a crush on me. "I heard all about what you did in the war, it's – impressive."
"It was nothing," she smiled again. They were right at least; she was quite pretty, with an honest and open smile. "I mean a lot of people fought, it wasn't only just a handful of us."
"Well, let me say thank-you for defeating the sorceress," she grabbed my hand suddenly and gripped it tightly. I nodded; no one had thanked me for defeating Ultimecia in all the time I was back. It was a strange feeling. "Nothing is ever the same after war, but at least we're alive."
"I suppose," I said softly, alive… I felt more like I was simply existing. Alive was being a part of life, action, being useful. I was hoping that a mission would push me back to a feeling of being alive.
"Sorry," she said nervously – blushing like crazy. She looked away from my face and withdrew her hand. "I was only picking up some supplies for my training. I ran out of cures. I should leave you to recover." She got up to leave.
"It's nothing serious, maybe exhaustion or something," I wasn't looking forward to lying in the infirmary for much longer than needed. It was always really boring in here.
"Zell, uhm-" she rifled through her bag now which I hadn't noticed her carrying. "A book – to pass the time, it's one of my favourites." She handed it to be and I looked at the title 'Lodella' was all it said in cursive writing.
"Thanks," I said genuinely, not sure what kind of book this was, it was small though, I would likely finish it quite quickly. But it was something to do.
"I'll be volunteering in the library tomorrow afternoon, you can give it back to me then. And… if you like – we could," she stumbled here, looking at her feet another rapid blush spreading across her face. "Get dinner?"
"OK," I said shocked.
"Great!" She exclaimed and rapidly left.
I sighed heavily, pressing back into the pillows. Had I just been asked out on a date? I looked at the book, it was old. It had that musty old book smell about it. The cover was woven, purple with flecks of a dark blue. 'Lodella'… what kind of story was it? I opened it to the front page.
There are few times in life when a person is met with a real fork in the road. One way veers left, the other right. Here they stand on the precipice of changing their lives and the lives of others around them. Once they make a choice, can they ever truly look back with clarity? Can they ever truly understand the gravity of the choice they made?
Lodella did not ever feel that the path set before her was her own. She always felt that it was laid out by others. Her family for one, she had to follow them. Their people also, part of the greater family; she was soon to be responsible for looking after them. Ensuring their safety and following the old ways of tradition. She did not know that she was fast approaching such a fork in the road.
"Zell," I snapped the book shut and looked up at Dr. Kadowaki and Quistis. Quistis made her way to the side of my bed, sitting down on it, touching my face.
"Oh Zell," she sighed, smoothing my hair out of my face. She smiled then. "This brings back memories you know, you, Seifer, Squall… Hyne the three of you were always in and out of here."
That was true, I had been reminiscing about such memories earlier. Some visits to the infirmary had been more serious than others. There had been that time when Seifer had broken my nose, and I had fractured my arm. The beginnings of that exchange I never remembered.
"Zell, we need to have a discussion about your health." Dr. Kadowaki said very professionally standing nearby with a chart in her hand.
"OK," I said plainly, looking from her to Quistis.
"Do you recollect why you are here?"
"I was training and felt a little dizzy – I sat down and must have passed out from a sleep spell or something."
"So your memory of the events is a little fuzzy I take it?"
"Yeah," Quistis' hand was now clasped around mine. Her eyes did not meet my face.
"Do you remember what you ate for breakfast?"
"I didn't have any."
"I see, what about what you had for lunch?"
"Nothing, I got up, showered went to train." Was she testing my memory for a concussion of some sort?
"Zell, do you know how long you were training for?"
"Probably until a bit after lunch – look what is the point of this?"
"Zell, you're telling me that you were training until four in the afternoon," this she stated coldly. "Without having eaten anything?"
"Uh, yeah I suppose... that does sound a little silly now that you're saying it." I tried grinning awkwardly. Training all day and not eating anything was pretty stupid.
"Zell, when you arrived here unconscious I ran some diagnostic tests. Your blood results are less than what I would expect of a young healthy male. I'd like to examine you further and also weigh you. Could you try getting up?"
I sung my legs over the bed and looked at them; I wasn't wearing my clothes and instead was in one of those terrible infirmary get-up aprons. I looked over at Quistis and she nodded moved to beyond the curtain, drawing it so I could have some privacy as I got up. They always had that terrible gapping back that I hated.
"Just stand here," Dr. Kadowaki pointed to a set of scales. So I stood on them and watched, I didn't pay much attention to my weight, but that was lower than what I was expecting. Dr. Kadowaki just made a long thoughtful pensive noise. "Thank you."
I sat back down on the bed.
"I've spoken to Quistis and Cid. You've been having trouble sleeping, and having nightmares, is this correct?" I glared at the curtain but Quistis made no move to re-enter.
"Yes," I said angrily.
"Zell, I think that perhaps you may be suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome, or even Depression – are you familiar with these terms?"
"We studied them a little in class," I said hesitantly. PTSS? Depression?
"I can't be certain at the moment. But your body has clear signs of neglect; you've lost a significant amount of weight for a fighter. From what Quistis tells me you seem to be having trouble adjusting to life after the trauma of war."
"OK," was all I could say, what she was saying sounded surreal, like I wasn't really sitting there listening to it. I looked up at the sound of the curtain drawing again, and Quistis came in with a tray of food.
"I'd like you to eat this meal, all of it, and then take the pills. One of them is a light sedative. I'd like you to rest up here for the night, I'll discharge you tomorrow morning and we'll set an appointment time for you to come back and see me."
Pills, I took the tray from Quistis looking at them. We had routinely taken to supplements and vitamins during the war. I had forgotten about that. Always on the move, always fighting; getting a proper meal had become a bit of a luxury. I suppose I had been continuing those habits without realising it.
Dr. Kadowaki left then, leaving Quistis and me in the room. She sat down on the visitors chair as I began to eat my meal slowly.
I remembered camping out in the wild sometimes, good times and bad. Sometimes the heat had been unbearable, other time the cold so intense. It was only Selphie and I who ever used magic for comfort purposes… building fires, gathering water, setting up barriers to try to shield us from the elements. Quistis and Squall had been indignant, saying that magic was for higher purposes.
"I'm sorry Zell," Quistis said quietly.
"It's OK Quistis," I understood what she meant. "I'm not angry for you telling Dr. Kadowaki." She cared for me, and that was why she had disclosed my secrets.
"I'll come by tomorrow morning. We can have breakfast together."
"Yeah, I'd like that." I said as she left me to finish eating.
The purpose of magic – I mused while eating. I wondered if Quistis still thought that, the point of magic and Guardian Forces – was it all for fighting, for killing? History only showed how the Sorceress' had used their powers for ill, to hurt people and bend them to their will. Even though I knew Matron as a loving and caring person, nowhere had I found any documented history about a sorceress being kind or good. What about Ellone and Rinoa?
The sorceress curse – I remember people referring to it as that. To be bestowed such power over magic was a curse. Yet we so relied on it and GFs. As a child I remember us telling only scary stories about sorceresses. I wondered how Matron must have felt when she heard us at night.
Odine had been so obsessed with understanding the power that the sorceresses wielded. Yet he seemed corrupted by his passion for it. I never felt easy around him, edgy and wary. He always gave me a feeling of distrust and I wasn't even on his radar. How must Rinoa have felt, Matron?
I wondered about a different world – where perhaps, magic could be used for good – the powers of a Sorceress being a blessing? Maybe if that had been the case – Matron would have had her own children... a family... unbroken...
