My life was always strange. I was raised by assassins, and that apparently was not a normal upbringing. Most of my family was supposed to be dead, but hey, that's curable now. The one brother that I really started out hating was now dead/kidnapped and I was the only one that was looking for him. And found him, but unfortunately, the way I found him opened a door I was seriously not ready for. It felt like at every corner I passed, there was something lurking there. Watching me. It had been a week since this had started and it was now just barely abating. For the past week, every little movement out of the corner of my eyes had me flinching and old instincts from the league that I had buried raised to the surface and screamed for me to defend myself, violently.
The rest of the team noticed my sudden change, and they were constantly trying to figure out what was wrong with me. Star Fire was threatening to call Grayson again, and I was trying my best to keep her from doing that. Telling her that it was something he should not be involved in, and that that I was indeed fine. This was just how I was. Which wasn't far from the truth. I was always a bit more on the jumpy side. Except for this time, I wasn't on the lookout for assassins, but some unseen…thing. I don't know what these are. These things I'm seeing.
Raven has been explaining things about my powers and what I can maybe do. She explained to me that more than likely, what it was I was seeing was these things called Shadow people. They don't do much, other than scaring the crap out of people that see them, and that my fear is just because I'm not used to seeing them. That soon, this feeling of dread around every corner would go away, because these 'boogey men' are just nothing more than shadows. Just as they always been. I took comfort in that, and maybe that is why after a week, I was finally starting to stop pathetically quivering at every shadow that moved.
Raven had also started to teach me how to defend myself. She said that once I leave my body, I am vulnerable to those who are also in the astral plain. I may the only living there, but that also makes me the most vulnerable, and if I planned to go after Tim this way, I'd need to know how to stop that man from attacking me again. So, every night, she would have me come to her room, sit me down, and then have me 'meditate'. It didn't really feel like I was meditating. Raven would sit there and talk me through what she would refer to as 'visual representation". Apparently, whenever I went into that…another world. It wasn't really me, but my concussions. What power I did have there was the fact that I had the energy to form anything I wanted while there. Well, not anything, my limit is when I don't have the energy left, I have to return to my body.
"What happens if I don't?" I asked Raven as she started to light the candles and the incense for our session. She looked away from the candles to the window that showed the sparkling night sky. The moon casting a luminescent seen for us as we as Garfield liked to point out, 'dabbled in the mystical arts'.
"Bad things." That's the only answer I got from her. I figured I would be lost forever in that gray world if I didn't get back, but luckily it seemed that I automatically would be pulled back to my body, once I ran out of juice. Which I was fine with, I would just have to figure out how to expand on that energy. Which lead to my more intense sessions with Raven. She would walk me through how to create a protective bubble around me whenever I would travel, but I could only hold it for so long. Which would have still been a large demoralizer to me, but the kicker for me was the fact that I wasn't even traveling at the moment. I would stay in the room with Raven when I would go into my spells and she would stay on the other side of the world with me. Her voice echoing into my head. It was disconcerting at first. Standing alone in a gray world, her room, but not her room. Her voice the only thing remotely familiar. Raven decided that it be best that I didn't go too far, and I had to be honest, that was hard. I had to focus on not leaving this room. Ok, this is hard to explain. I go into this trance by ignoring the world, and not thinking. Then I let my mind be taken to where I need to go, but I have to focus on not leaving, while at the same time not focusing. Then the fact that, every little though had me almost floating away. When I first did though, I thought of how Father would be shaking his head at how ridiculous this was. He hated magic. I wondered how he feels if he knew what I was doing, or what I was becoming.
I saw quick flashes of what he was doing. It looked like he was sitting in his office. Leaning over his desk, doing paperwork. I watched him for a moment before focusing on Raven again and was taken back to her room where I was alone. Again.
For my endurance training, I would have to hold this force field like a ball for as long as I could and although I'd had assumed it would be easy, it was exceptionally hard. I could only hold it for 2 hours maximum before I would start to flicker out of the world and start to see colors again. Colors I had come to learn meant I was in my world and that meant I was physical, while I was on the astral plain, I had come to accept that everything was an illusion. That I could not hold the same standard of rules there that I do here, but even with these drawbacks, I have to say, traveling could be beautiful. Everything was connected and if I wanted to, I had to do was ride these chords that seemed to connect everybody. Focus on the one person, and then, Bam! I there. Hold onto a chord and I could see them. Just like my first trip, I traveled the world and saw flashes of…well… everything. Some things more sense than others, but I got a distinct impression that those odd images were things that could have happened, would happen or somewhere in-between. Whatever it was, I didn't stare too long. I needed to focus on Raven voice and return to the gray world.
Coming out of that world though, it left me drained and spent. My body would protest when I would stand up afterwards and my muscles would seize. As if they had just gotten done with a brutal training exercise. When I brought this up to Raven, she shrugged and said that mental exercise was just as if not more difficult than physical and that my body was just responding to the new strain I was putting it under. Garfield had a more sinister explanation for it.
"Man, when you do that weird thing, your body just stops moving."
"What do you mean?"
"Well, when Raven does it, she floats and breathes and does that chant, but you. You just stop. I thought you had died the first time. You were barely breathing and if I didn't know better, had no pulse." That would explain the cold I would bring back on occasions, but had brushed it off as her room always being colder than rest of the tower.
along with the complete exhaustion, I also had to deal with the migraines that were starting to become a regular. At first, they were dull aches and now, now it felt like they were drills, tunneling through my eyes. I asked Raven about this as well and she reassured me that it was normal. That she too got them, especially if she was under too much stress. Hint hint, me. I suppose I was under a lot of stress right now. I know that I'm not alone, but I felt this longing for something. Someone else to hold my hand as I went through this. Not to bask on Raven or Garfield, but they didn't understand what I was trying to explain. Raven tried to connect with her own experiences, but she had different abilities. She told me about her empathic abilities, and I must say, that did not sound like a walk in the park. That sometimes, she too would see these odd shadows in the corner of her eyes, but she didn't see them like I did. She never went into their world. Limbo. Was that really where I went?
Such an odd thing to think about. I remember scraps my time beyond the grave, but most of it is now just gone. Feelings are what I remember most, and when I focus on the beginning of my departure, I felt safe, welcomed. Warm embraces and loving gazes. I think that was supposed to be, but later, something happened. The feeling of chains pulling me down and screams of horror from above. Sobs and claws. I had to shake the thought from my mind before I focused too much on it. I don't know if that really happened, but something happened, and it left a deep hole of terror inside of me.
"So, dude, feeling supercharged yet?" Garfield said as he moved to sit next to me. We were on the beach now, I was playing with Goliath and Garfield was watching from the sidelines. The question wasn't meant to be irksome, but I felt annoyed anyway. I wasn't really progressing fast and it had soured my mood.
"I feel super annoyed, but no. no, supercharge." Garfield deflated a bit from my negative answer.
"Do you think you know how to get Red back?"
" I have an idea, but even if I could manage to find him, we would be sourly outgunned if that man showed up. Something tells me that he has way more experience than we do or at least more than I do."
"Oh shit. If you're saying that, he must be really out there in strength."
"Yeah, so we have to play this one smart. "
"Like I never did that." Garfield joked.
" You play something smart? Hell must have frozen over." I joked back. He laughed and we carried on with our day, I continued to play with Goliath, thinking about what I should do. It's true though. We are so outclassed, and even if I did involve starfire and Wally with me. There's no guarantee that we would even get near Tim. I had to think. I had to study.
Raven had a vast collection of books on the paranormal and powers. She had loaned me some on my particular ability. The official name was bilocation. There's been plenty of others that who have had this ability and had mastered it. There was one saint name Gerard Majella that had this ability. It is said that he was seen giving lessons while at the same time healing the ill. There were more cases like this, but I had to know how to this one, in particular, was able to travel so far and still interact with others. There was a case where Majella could procure the ingredients for medication. The issue was, that ingredient could only be found in the mountains. How did he do that? Bilotaion.
I spent hours studying his work and others. How they managed to grow their abilities were still a bit of a mystery to me. They talked more about what they saw, and how far they had gone. Some of them even said they spoke to angels. I rolled my eyes at that one. How did they grow their abilities? Hmmm. Some said extensive prayer. Yeah, not happening. Repeated entry of the cationic state. Doing it already. Mediation. Maybe. Miraclo. Never heard of that. Ok, let's see what that is. It's a drug that is used not very commonly. Apparently, it was used by exorcist that needed that extra kick when they needed it. Also some hero from before my FATHER'S time. The guy was old, but apparently, he'd use to enhance his natural abilities for an hour. Kind of lame if you're a hero, but now, that's all it really need. First thing first I have to figure out how to get some.
I spent the next hour just looking for some and had found out that it was the base ingredient for Banes Toxin. Got to be careful with this stuff then. It doesn't say anything about addicting, but if I'm going to use this, then I must be extra careful when he makes my return trip.
Looking out the window I saw that the sunny sky was now dark and that meant patrol. And after that, training with Raven. I started to pull on my uniform now. Maybe I should tell her about what I found. I know that it be cheating, but we don't know how much time Tim – a knock on my door caught my attention. I paused putting my gear on and answered the door. Starfire was there, holding a laptop to her chest, looking at me pleadingly.
"Damian, may I come in? I would like to speak to you."
"Uhhh, sure." I stepped aside and let her in. she walked in, the laptop still folded into her chest.
"I'm sure you are wondering why I am here."
"I am," I asked skeptically of what she had in mind.
"Sigh, Damian, I have many worries."
"Yes? What about?"
"You've been acting odd, and I'm worried about it. You've been very secretive lately"
"Yes, I know I've been acting odd, I'm just trying to adjust… too many things."
"well at least you're admitting to something." A voice said from the laptop. It was sarcastic, but there was a joking manner to it. Like he was trying to stay kind, even though he was obviously annoyed.
"Grayson, what's going on?" Star fire turned the screen to face me and I saw Grayson on the screen. He looked mildly annoyed, but it would seem though that Starfire had tried to soothe him enough to try and talk to me.
"Well, it would seem that you've managed to drag some people in this"
"I didn't drag anyone."
"Did you talk to kid flash? "
"I tied him up, didn't drag him." Grayson shook his head. Apparently tired of the conversation.
"Damian, we've talked about this. And it's about time that you stopped dragging others down with you." I wasn't dragging others down. "now, it's fine that the Titans are back, but you need to let this whole thing go. Tim is gone."
"He is not!"
"He is! Damian, just stop. It hurt all of us, but we are moving forward. So, do you."
"He isn't gone!" Grayson took a deep breath after my outburst. He seemed like he was trying to calm himself for whatever he was going to say next to me.
"Starfire, can you please leave us for a minute."
"Dick, I called you so we can discuss what to do. I would prefer to try and stay. Maybe if we take a breathe –"
"Star fire. Leave the room." Star fire looked like she regretted calling him now. I've never heard Grayson's voice go that…commanding? It sounded like he was about to boil over.
"I don't think that is good for the situation."
"Starfire, I need to talk to Damian alone. I'll call you when we are done, and trust me, this will be done."
"ah-ok. I'll be right outside if you need me." And like that Starfire left. And I and Grayson were alone. I picked up the laptop and half a mind to close it, but I knew that be pointless.
"Sigh, Damian, why are you always so difficult?"
I didn't answer him. Now, I've been called so many worse things, but hearing Grayson's voice, sounding so fed up and it directed at me. I had to steel myself against whatever was coming next.
"Since you couldn't waste my time, you have to waste others?"
"I'm not-"
"You just need to stop. You're being a problem to everyone and it needs to stop." I took a quick breath in to try and calm my racing heart. The more he talked, the more I felt like hyperventilating. I don't know why, but him talking like this was having such an effect on me.
"You are going to drop this thing, and you're going to tell the rest of the team if they want to they can leave. With no regret with Tim. They didn't need you guilting them into this. You're going to apologize and let them go if they want."
I didn't even know what to say. "Grayson, but I – "
"No Damian! Stop! I'm so sick of this! I'm so sick of you! You just need to stop fighting this and know when you've lost! It's enough." I looked away from the screen, I felt stinging in my eyes, but I wasn't about to let him see it.
"If I get one more call about you, I'm going to find you and I'm going to take Robin away and I will put you under lock and key. Is that understood?" I sniffed a bit.
"Is that understood?" Grayson asked again, this time, his threat hanging firmly over my head.
"Yes." My voice cracked out.
"Good, no more calls Damian." And the screen went black and I was left with the clenching of my stomach and the burning heat in my eyes. I let myself sit there for a minute. To calm my erratic heartbeat and to wipe the unshed tears from my eyes.
KNOCK KNOCK
The door opened a bit and Starfire looked in. I didn't want to look at her right now.
"Damian? Are you ok?" I wanted to yell at her. To blame her for how Grayson was acting towards me, but that was my fault. I guess I just reach his limit. Everyone eventually didn't want anything to do with me. I wasn't her fault.
"Fine. I'm going to get dressed and go out for patrol." I stood up and turned away from her so she wouldn't see the redness I'm sure my eyes still had. She stood by the door awkwardly. Folding her hands in front of her. Shifting her weight from side to side.
"Damian, I am sorry for that. I had thought that Dick you have been willing to talk to you in a more kinder tone."
"It's fine. He's right. Tomorrow, if anyone wants to leave they can. I'm just going to do things by myself. I shouldn't be wasting others time."
"Oh, Damian. No one regrets this, and no one is willing to leave. Everyone wants to stay and help look for Red Robin." She tried to reach for me, but I stepped out from her touch. I didn't want to be near her, and her kind words. Just needed to be out. Out of here. Away from everyone. Away from Star fire, from the team, from Grayson from my powers, from myself.
I threw my hood up and ducked under her to get to the door.
"Damian! Come talk to me, when you feel like it. I am sorry. "I ignored her, she is expecting a call soon and I really don't want to hear his voice anytime soon.
The wind was unusually warm tonight, but it felt refreshing as I grappled through the city. The summer nights were beautiful here in star city and it was a welcomed change from Gotham. It was bright here and offered so many happy distractions. It was still relatively early in the night, so civvies were still out.
My heart and stomach felt better, but anytime I spent too much thought on what Grayson had said, it caused me to revert. I felt so much guilt for making must do deal with me, but I knew Tim was out there, and I was so close to saving him. If I had to do it alone, I would.
I went over a dark road that ended in a dead end with a chain link fence and saw a group of thugs and a small feminine figure surrounded by them. Well hello, distraction. I swung over the closest building and took all of them in. no weapons and just some overgrown douches. Easy.
I stepped to the edge of the roof and jumped down, landing on one of them. He grunted and fell. The others turned to me, taking their focus off the girl.
"Robin! Get him!" they all came at me and I smiled as they tried to attack. One threw a punch and I ducked and punched up. A nasty crack was my reward and his scream of pain was the bonus. He fell back and two more came at me. I jumped up and planted one foot into each of their faces. The blood that now decorated my green boots was artfully beautiful. I stepped back and watched them hit the ground. This was fun.
"Bird Shit, pay attention. "A familiar voice yelled at me as a small fist connected to a thug face that was trying to grab me from behind. The girl that was being cornered had one punched the ass to hell. He was out. I looked at her and saw long blonde curly hair. It cascades down her shoulders in rivets. Her noses was small and her eyes held such a spark that they practically sparkled under her assault of thugs. This girl knew how to deliver pain.
"Bird shit, come on!" I was a trained professional. I didn't need to see the last thug come up behind me to know that I should kick backward, hitting him where the sun doesn't shine. Fun.
The girl flipped her head up and the river of blonde followed. It was hypnotizing. That when I saw her face clearly. It was familiar. The small nose that scrunched up with a teasing wrinkle. The curl of her lips as she looked at me. All the was missing was the purple wig.
"Hit Girl?"
"Sup, bird shit?"
"What were you doing?" she walked towards me and started to pull me to a darker part of the street. Incase civilians more came by and saw Robin speaking to a random girl.
"Well I was just having a nice night, about to end it with some light exercise, but it looks like I'm ending it with you." A bit of heat rose to my cheeks and I was grateful that we were now in darker lighting.
"On patrol?"
"Patrol?" I repeated.
"Yes. That thing superheroes do to make sure baddies aren't up to anything."
"yes, I was."
"Mmmm, you get off anytime soon?" she asked me as she started to walk to the other end of the street.
"Not really. Why?"
"Buy me ice cream."
"What?"
"We are really close to the docks and there's an ice cream stand. Buy me one."
"Why?"
You can buy yourself one too."
"But why should I buy you one?"
"Because you want to." I looked at her and couldn't tell if she was being serious.
"I'm in uniform. I can't just walk up and buy an ice cream.
"Then take off the costume."
"Then I'd be naked."
"Stop being difficult. Lose the vest, the cape, and mask and you'll be fine."
"Then you'll know who I am."
"So? You know who I am."
"No, I don't."
"Pfft, that easy. I'm Mindy Macready, but I prefer hit girl."
"Why are you telling me this so easily."
"I don't see the point in hiding it. I know your partners with Batman and once Batman is involved, nothing is a secret, so might as well start clean."
"That makes very little sense."
"But there's still some sense in it. So, are you going to buy me ice cream?"
"I still don't understand that logic either."
"But you're still going to do it." She was smiling at me again and I did want to, but I would have to unmask and even if my gut was telling me it was ok, years of training and grilling was telling me no. Grayson had told me stories of how others knowing -. Fuck Grayson.
I looked around to make sure no one else was around and took off my cape. I folded it and put it down. Next came my clavier vest and utility belt. I looked around to put it in something and Mindy offered one of her shopping bags. I put my things in there and when the time came to take off the mask I looked at Mindy.
"Do you want me to look away?" I rolled my eyes and pulled it off. She looked at me and then laughed a bit.
"What? "
"I have no clue who you are."
"Oh. I'm Damian."
"Well, Damian. I'm Mindy. She held out her hand and I took it. We shook and she started to tug me to the dock area. And like she promised there was an open ice cream stand. She and I went up and she told me she wanted strawberry and I got mint. We took our cones to the docks and she led me to them. We sat in the sand in silence and it was nice. I ate my mint while she licked hers. I didn't look at her, but her presence was there and it felt nice. She wasn't a demanding presence and she was ok with me not talking.
"So, what's eating you?"
"what?"
"you always seemed like you have something bothering you. What's up?"
"Why should I tell you?"
"I'm not someone who can really judge. And even then, I'd really wouldn't want to."
"Humph, I'm just having a headache."
"Ahhh, I know those."
"what about you? You never really answered my question. Why are you here?"
"Now? You. I was bored. Before, I was passing through and was about to leave."
"Why? "
"Why leave? I had nothing to keep me here. I have nothing to keep me anywhere."
"So, you roam."
"Yeah. I roam."
"no family?"
"Not anymore."
"Oh. I can understand."
"I bet. So now that you know a little about me. What about you? Why are you always so glum?"
"Glum?"
"Fine bird shit, why are you always walking around like you're on death row."
"Maybe I am."
"Well, you're in the right business." She giggled and I chuckled with her.
"No. No. I'm just trying to find my brother and it just feels like… I don't know."
"Like the world is shitting on you constantly?"
"Yes. Exactly."
"What about that team of yours?"
"The Titans? They are good guys, but I just feel like they are humoring or just pity me."
"Mmmm, both are so demeaning."
"So, I'm just trying to get through this, then I will figure something else out."
"I see. I see. Well maybe, we can do a team up?"
"Robin and hit girl?"
"We kicked ass before and we barely knew each other."
"We still barely know each them."
"Something tells me that's going to change. Unless you buy all girls, ice cream and show them your real face."
"No. this is a first."
"and you're doing so well." I cracked another smile as she crumpled her napkin and stuffed it into her pocket. I had long ago finished mine and was clenching my garbage.
"This was fun, Damian. We should do this again."
"It was pleasant." It was. We walked out from under the dock and started to walk down the sandy road. The lights we are under are dimming, getting ready to close. We walked for some time and I didn't realize that she had me walked her home or to the place she was staying. I had thought we were just having a long walk. When she stopped and turned to me I was surprised. I didn't know what was going on, but when she looked at me I knew the night was over.
"Thanks for the ice cream Damian, but this is where I need to leave. "She was holding out the bag that held my uniform to me.
"Yeah, good night." I went to grab it, but when I stepped closer to grab it, Mindy leaned forward and pressed her small mouth to my cheek. I stiffened and squeezed my eyes shut. I didn't know what she was doing, but it left a weird tingling in my cheek. I back up and looked at her. She laughed at me and turned away, and went into the dark hallway of the building.
I pressed the palm of my hand to my cheek and felt some moisture. Ew. She drooled on me.
