The Batshit Beginning

Disclaimer: ASOUE belongs to Daniel Handler, and all the rights of his characters belong to him, yadda yadda yadda, that's all, good bye, the end.

Rating: PG-13 for language


Chapter Seven: An Excess of Books

Since before the invention of paper, there have been books. The ancient Egyptians carved words into stone. The also whipped their children with a cat-o-nine-tails if they misbehaved. How primitive is that!?

What?

Oh, you want me to get on with it? Fine then, I'll just finish up my explanation about books and then the story will pick up again.

Now where was I?

Oh, I remember now. There have been books for a very long time. There are many different kinds of books because there are many different kinds of people in the world. That makes sense, doesn't it? Doesn't it!?

Of course it does. Anyway, because there are so many different kinds of books, it would be useless for me to explain the reasons people read different books. Some people like parodies, some people like dramas, some people like books in which children are shoved into an empty elevator shaft. But nobody likes reading books about the law, not even lawmakers.

You see, law books are soul-crushingly boring. They are tedious impish tomes spawned by the Great Fiend of the Underworld. The sole reason they are written is to bore people into ideological oblivion. The only profession that benefits from such nothingness is the attorney. Lawyers, because of this, get paid lots of money as a bribe to force them to read the tedious impish tomes spawned by the Great Fiend of the Underworld.

Klaus and Sunny, however, needed to read them not in order to exchange character and ingenuity for money, but in order to stop Count Olaf's evil plan. Violet was just there to whine. Klaus and Sunny couldn't leave her alone with Count Olaf, so they were forced to drag her ass to Justice Strauss's house next door.

"Hi, what do you need?" Justice Strauss asked.

"We need to read a long, dull, and soul-crushingly tedious law book in order to stop Count Olaf's evil scheme," Klaus explained.

"Urgent!" Sunny agreed.

Justice Strauss smiled. "Don't worry; I've got plenty of those things. Feel free to look around. I'd help you stop his dastardly plot but I'm worried that he wouldn't let me be in the fabulous play he's producing this Saturday!"

"Thanks!" said Sunny.

"Good to hear it!" Klaus agreed.

"BORRRRRRRING!" Violet groaned.

Justice Strauss hit her on the head with a cartoon mallet. Violet fell over, and Strauss picked her up and carried her into the backyard.

"She's going to help me tend to my garden," Strauss whispered to a snickering Klaus and Sunny.

Justice Strauss dragged Violet outside to the garden. Sunny and Klaus were now free to look for books in the library.

Klaus was amazed at the massive quantities of books he saw around him. He often had to be bitten by Sunny in order to come back to reality.

Several of the books Klaus read contained many bizarre things. There was a woman who in the Edwardian Era left her fortune to her pet weasel instead of her sons, and the sons sued her. They tried to make the case that their mother was crazy, but the weasel died and the woman committed suicide. As far as anyone knew, the money was still locked in the abandoned mansion she used to live in. Another story involved a man who thought he was the incarnation of King James II and unsuccessfully tried to convince the Prime Minister of Britain to launch an invasion on America. But he couldn't find anything on what to do if an evil count was trying to marry your sister in order to get your fortune.

Sunny was searching in the law section. She found many long law books, but she couldn't find anything on how a marriage in a play could morph into an actual marriage.

Back at Olaf's house, Fernald and Mr. Botox got into an argument over Pokémon cards. Mr. Botox kicked Fernald in the shins, and he returned by punching Mr. Botox's long nose. How he did that with hooks for hands I'll never know. Let's just say he improvises well.

Out in Justice Strauss's garden, Violet finally came to. Strauss smiled at her and handed her some yard tools, and the next half-hour was filled with Violet's complaints about getting her clothes and nails dirty.

Klaus finally found a book called Inheritance Law and Its Implications. The book was 4,896 pages long. It was written by I.M.A Judge. Quite a name for someone who writes law books, don't you think?

"No," Klaus responded.

I smacked him across the face.

"OW!"

That's what you get, biyatch! Now read it.

Klaus muttered something under his breath. I gave him the evil eye. He shuddered and then started reading the book.

The book was terribly long and boring, but Klaus had a solemn vow to save his siblings from Olaf—plus, I was pointing an AK-57 at him.

"You there!" a voice called, and Klaus turned to see Fernald walking into the house. "Count Olaf sent me to get your and your siblings! Get back to the house immediately or I will be authorized to use these babies on you," he brandished his hooks.

"Look, I'm just—" Klaus stopped abruptly. "Why is there a sentence that reads, 'I will not call Pikachu gay,' across your forehead?"

Fernald glared. "Mr. Botox and I were—it's none of your damn business!"

"Sorry," Klaus held up his arms.

"What are you reading?" Fernald looked at the massive law book. "Why are you reading that?"

"I'm interested in long, law books," Klaus lied.

"Do you think I'm stupid?" Fernald growled.

"Yes."

WHACK!

"OW!"

"Ok, smartass!" Fernald growled. "I don't think you or your siblings should be allowed to come into this library until after the play on Friday! You're trying to foil Count Olaf's plans and I won't stand for it! And for Christ's sakes will someone get that idiot with the AK-57 out of here!"

I pointed the AK-57 at him.

Fernald meeped.

Klaus snickered and Fernald kicked him in the shins.

"You're in no position to make fun of me, brat!" Fernald snarled. "You are all in Olaf's hands until he marries Violet. Once he has your fortune, he will probably tear you and your hideous baby here"—Sunny growled at this—"limb from limb! He might just let me have the honor of doing that! So you'd better start being nicer to me and everyone in the troupe if you want to be granted a merciful death!"

Klaus wondered why I couldn't just shoot him with the AK-57.

Well, if I did, the story wouldn't be able to go on. Duh!

Klaus glared at me.

"Hey, look at me when I'm talking to you, insect!" Fernald tried to turn Klaus's head to face him before remembering that he had no hands. "Damn it! I'll just go fetch your sister Violet out in the garden!"

He walked out to the garden kicking Sunny aside with a rude, "Out of my way, baby!" as he went by.

Sunny flashed her teeth at Fernald. "Slice!" she snarled.

"I agree," Klaus said glumly. "I guess I'll just have to smuggle this book back to the house under my shirt!"

"Whack!" Sunny shrieked, which meant, "how are you going to hide a 4,896 page book under your shirt!"

Don't worry, this is a parody.

"For once I agree with the author," Klaus said. He stuffed the massive book under his jacket. "Let's go!"

"Like, don't you dare, like, touch me with those hooks!" Violet complained, walking towards Klaus and Sunny with an extremely irritated Fernald. "I will, like, sue the hell out of you once I'm, like, old enough if you, like, tear my clothes!"

"Three days until Friday," Fernald murmured. "Three days until Friday…all right, inspection time!"

Klaus tensed.

Fernald looked Klaus up and down. A massive book-shaped limp was in his shirt.

"Ok, you're clear," Fernald said, and Klaus breathed a sigh of relief.

Sunny was next.

"You need to get those teeth dulled," Fernald sneered.

Sunny bit him.

"OUCH!" Fernald glared daggers at her. "I shall truly enjoy killing you when the time comes, you hairless shrunken orangutan! Let's go!"

Fernald lead the Baudelaires back to the house. Klaus thought about ways to keep himself entertained while he read the long, boring, book that night.


Here's chapter seven after a brief hiatus! Read and review!