It was the hardest thing he had ever put down on paper. He had written up horrific case reports and read more heartbreaking autopsy reports than he could count but it was of little use to him now and it certainly didn't make this any easier. He had delivered devastating news to victims loved ones but nothing had prepared Adam for this.
Nothing prepared him on how to tell their family, friends and loved ones that your baby had died. It was his parent's first grandchild and it had been hard to rein in their excitement. They eventually decided on a suitable message for their friends and colleagues but Adam wanted to wait until he had talked to their family first and for the first few hours he didn't feel strong enough. They were going to be understandably devastated and have questions that they just didn't have answers for right now. They couldn't see that far ahead at the moment.
They talked about it and wrote down some ideas after spending the first few hours with their little boy, he had been taken away out of necessity and so that Kim could get some rest and letting him go for the first time was an incredibly gut wrenching experience. Adam helped Kim shower and back into bed, she may not have a baby to care for but all the physical outcomes of childbirth remained the same. Kim had baulked at the idea of taking a sedative at first but Adam convinced her she needed to rest and promised that he wouldn't leave her side and he sat by her bed and stroked her face until the drugs kicked in and she drifted off the sleep. Kim had also asked him to make the necessary calls to inform those they decided needed to hear it from them. As much as they wanted to pretend this wasn't happening they couldn't put it off forever. His parents, her sister and someone from Intelligence needed to hear it from them, he even agonised over who to call and eventually they settled on Voight because Adam was convinced he knew something already.
Kim didn't want to see Adam's pain, it was too much for her right now and if she was asleep then nobody would want to talk to her; that she knew was way beyond her capability.
He waited until he knew she was asleep and called his Dad first, then Nicole and finally his mother. It was like being kicked in the guts each and every time and it was hard hearing their anguish and distress down the phone when he was barely holding it together himself and he promised to let them know when they could visit, but not today. Today they wanted to be alone.
Then he called Voight. He finally looked at the clock and it was a little after 7am but he knew his boss would either be up or already in the office. He wanted to get this done and then lie down next to his wife, hold onto her and try and get some sleep. The past two nights hadn't given him much. The first night he'd tossed and turned when they finally did go to bed and he'd hadn't slept at all last night or since the birth.
"Hey boss, it's Ruzek." he drew a deep breath and Voight knew he was struggling and that churn in his gut he'd tried to bury for the past two days sprung to life.
"Adam. Are you and Kim okay?"
"We are." A sob caught in his throat. "Well not really, Kim gave birth to a baby boy early this morning, he was stillborn."
Voight was silent and Adam wasn't sure if he'd heard him but he just waited, he didn't want to have to repeat himself. "Adam, I don't know what to say. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. My heart breaks for you both." It bought up feelings and memories that he'd buried a long time ago and for Adam, listening to his boss's voice shaking was hard to handle.
"Thanks Boss. We found out a couple of days ago, I'm sorry I didn't tell you but we were just trying to deal with it the best we could. Kim didn't want anyone around and we've only just told our families now."
Voight had no idea what they needed apart from being left to come to grips with it. How long that would take was open ended. "Hey, that's okay. You do what you need to do. What can I do? What can we do?"
"Can you let everyone know? We aren't really up for talking to anyone yet."
"I will. How's Kim?"
He looked over at his sleeping wife and even as she slept she looked heartbroken. "She's sleeping at the moment, they gave her something which is good I think. She did well and physically I think she is okay." Honestly he had no idea; it was all such a mess. Alexis had talked to them both about what to expect from Kim's body and it seemed so cruel that she still had to deal with the aftermath of childbirth without the joy of having her baby with her. This was all just some sick joke.
"What's your little boy's name?" Voight knew how important it was for their baby to be acknowledged. It may not mean anything to Adam right now but one day he would appreciate that someone cared enough to ask his son's name.
"Leo Burgess Ruzek." Adam's voice finally gave out and he couldn't hold it in anymore. They had chosen Leo because it meant Lion, King of the jungle and they also saw that it could mean 'brave people' and it was his star sign. It seemed perfect for him.
"Kiss Leo for me, kiss Kim for me. Hold her tight and tell her that we love her." Voight swung around in his seat so that his back was to the door and he stared at the wall. It was all he could do to hold himself in check. "And you too."
"Will do."
"Take whatever time you need and let me know if I can do anything, even if you just send me a message. This here, you don't need to worry about."
Adam grabbed a quick shower, trying to wash away the last few hours. It had been a harrowing experience for him. Aside from seeing his beautiful boy being born it was traumatic watching Kim go through it all and he felt so helpless as she struggled to cope.
He'd been relieved when her vomiting stopped while they were at home and she had managed to keep food down but when she went into labour and they got to the hospital that all came back with a vengeance and Adam was beside himself as he constantly tried to help her, he wouldn't let anyone take over, he needed to do it himself. If Kim had to give birth it was the least he could do. He was wearing scrubs because she had vomited on him more times than he could count and he just changed clothes and came back for more. They ended up putting an IV in to keep her hydrated because she wasn't tolerating anything. They also forced Adam to eat and drink so that he didn't pass out when things got rough; he certainly understood why Kim was so unwell, he felt revolting every time he forced something down. He felt useless but Kim clung to him and he could barely go to the bathroom himself without her getting upset and when she got upset she vomited. It was a vicious circle and Adam was willing it to be over.
The hot water pounding down on him was soothing and it washed away the tears that were streaming down his face. His whole body ached; it had been physically tough on him also. Supporting Kim at times had taken all his strength because she seemed to have this superhuman willpower and he had barely sat down for two days. This wasn't supposed to happen to them. This was supposed to be the best day of their lives, a day to remember and it was, just for all the wrong reasons.
Voight closed his office door and he waited until everyone had come in.
He'd been downstairs already and talked to Platt who was understandably distraught. Gradually the noise level increased with the usual chatter as they fired up their computers, filled their coffee mugs and got their head into the case. He did vaguely hear Halstead and Atwater discussing whether either of them had heard from Ruzek but Voight didn't hear the rest of the conversation.
"Okay." Voight stood with his hands in his pockets in front of the white board. It was the morning muster where they covered off where they were at and established the plan for the day. "I've handed off this case for the day."
Halstead groaned, he hoped like hell this didn't mean that they had some boring mandatory training to do and the look of Voight's face made him swallow whatever he was going to say. "Ruzek called me this morning. Kim gave birth to a baby boy early this morning. Leo Burgess Ruzek was stillborn."
"No." Atwater was the only one he managed to speak and he felt like the rug had been pulled out from under him. "No."
"I don't have a lot of details. They are understandably devastated and have asked for some time to get their heads around it. So, go home for the day. Take the time you need, and we'll pick this up tomorrow."
"Boss?" Atwater pushed himself up from his desk.
"Kev." Voight held up his hand. "I'm sorry I don't know anything else. They found out a few days ago, I didn't ask Ruzek for all the details. I am assuming that's when he left. He asked me to let you all know and he will be in touch when they feel ready." Voight dismissed them and as he disappeared back into his office all their phones beeped with Adam's message.
'Two days ago we were given the devastating news that our beautiful baby had passed away. Leo Burgess Ruzek was stillborn early this morning. Our hearts are shattered. Our hopes and dreams for our beautiful baby boy will always be unfulfilled.
Kim was amazingly strong in very difficult circumstances and is recovering as well as can be expected. I can't tell you how incredibly proud of her I am. We are spending some time with Leo before we say goodbye.
We understand that you will be shocked by this news and want to offer your love and support but we respectfully ask that give us some time and space to come to terms with our devastating loss. We will be in touch with more details when we feel able.'
Adam eased himself onto the bed and Kim barely moved. The sedative had knocked her out and he was happy about that at least. She needed to sleep. Draping his arm over her waist, her empty stomach was soft beneath his touch and it was a hard concept to grasp when two days ago it was full of life. He closed his eyes and willed sleep to take him. It didn't come easy, but his body did eventually give in as his exhaustion won out over his grief.
It was lunchtime before they both woke. Kim stirred first and for a brief moment she forgot but the weight of Adam's arm over her stomach soon reminded her. She tried to roll over so that she was facing him and he started to move and when he opened his eyes Kim was looking at him and her hand was on his face. "I'm sorry I woke you." She ran her hand through his hair. "Go back to sleep."
"Nah, it's okay. You feeling okay? No pain?"
"No, I'm okay." She was cramping quite a bit but it was nothing in comparison to the crushing grief she felt.
"You know how much I love you."
"About as much as I love you." Kim kissed him lightly and Adam was surprised when she kept kissing him. It was a strange few minutes that they spent trying to show each other how much they loved each other as they shared their mutual pain.
Adam helped Kim up off the bed and into the bathroom. He could see how hard this was to handle for Kim, the pain from giving birth, the bleeding that continued and would for a while yet, the heavy breasts that were prepared to fed her baby that would never be used and there was not a damn thing he could do about it. She had been told not to express any milk as that would stimulate them to produce more and Kim was horrified when the hot water made her release some milk. "Adam, make it stop." She gasped. "Turn it off, turn it off." She screamed at him to turn the water off.
"Okay, Kim Honey. It's okay." He helped her out of the shower. This was a nightmare, a never-ending nightmare. She had thick sticky milk coming from her breasts and blood trickling down her legs and Adam just dealt with it despite Kim trying to get him to leave her alone. "I'm not leaving you. I don't care Kim; let me help you? I can't do anything else, I need to help you."
Once he got her dressed again, Kim leant on him for a few minutes. "Thank you." She whispered. "For everything."
"You can thank me by taking something for the pain."
"I am not in pain."
"Yes you are, I can see it and feel it. Please don't make yourself suffer more than you have too. Kim, take something please?" Eventually she agreed to take something to take the edge of the surprisingly painful cramps she was experiencing. She was willing to handle the pain, at least that let her know she was alive but Adam was worried about her, so it ease his mind she took the pills they'd left for her.
Adam helped her back onto the bed and she leant into him and whispered.
"I want to see Leo."
