Heya, peoples. It's me, Harley Quinn. After last night's big brouhaha, Mistah J got away, but I'm still stuck in here. Yeah. Sometimes life can be no fair.
But it's not so bad. I mean, Puddin's comin' back for me as soon as he's got the old gang together again. And I've got Red and her plants and Professor Crane and Hat Guy and Riddle Man ta keep me company. Still... it's not the same. If you're out there, Puddin', I'm waitin' for ya!
Well, I might as well go ahead an' work on the book. I mean, it's what you'd want, right puddin'? I guess so, anyway...
Oh! I know! I'll tell ya all about the therapies an' stuff here! I used ta work here, ya know. But that was before the madness... before the love! Then one day, Mistah J just waltzed inta my life and... sigh... it wasn't ever the same again. Yep! Dr. Harleen Quinzel, that was me. But my real name's Harley Quinn. Puddin explained everything ta me... it was like he knew me better than anyone ever did, and knew just what I needed an' wanted... which was him! I sure owe a lot to my puddin'.
But I guess I'm wasting time. Let's see, therapies... well, most of the time we just sit around and talk ta doctors. You know. "Tell me about yer childhood" and all that. It's all a load of garbage... at least, that's what puddin' says! We go to sessions a lot... four or five days a week, I guess.
Oooh, but the food is not good! Every time you eat it, ya just about want to throw it back up right there. Know what the worst stuff is? Fish sticks. It's so bad, I just about wanna stab someone every time I taste one.
There's also art therapy. They let us fingerpaint an' stuff. Last week, Mr. J and me made a big picture together. It showed us, together, on a bridge, kissing, with puddin' shootin' a gun at Robin and about to drop a bomb on Batman's head. Professor Crane called it idiotic. I think it's wonderful. The only problem is, all the docs tend ta ask so many questions about it. I mean, it's fun at first, but after the first fifteen minutes or so- give a girl a break! Know what I mean?
Professor Crane, he doesn't even do the art stuff anymore. Eddie's all tend ta be some sorta riddle, Red always draws plants, and Hattie likes ta do real colorful ones of cats an' tea parties an' stuff. Twin Face always does the same painting: a line down the middle, half white, half black. Booooring.
Ooh! An' sometimes, if we're good, they let us have stuff! Like a dress, or a little dolly... Jervy always asks for his hat. It's a big hat... I kinda like it, ya know? Puddin' never gets ta ask for anything. That's how mean they are. D:
There's also the time-out cell. Ya have ta go there if you've been bad. And I mean really bad. Like the time Professor Crane tried ta put poison in the water supply, or the time puddin' almost blew up Gotham. He would've, too, if I hadn't tried ta shoot him... an' then Batsy got all hot and bothered and threw us both in here. Some friend he is. But when Lock-Down was in here... ooh, that was really bad. He threw me in there for no reason, an' wouldn't let me out... Oh, puddin' was so mad when he found out about that! That's why I love him so much, ya know; cause he always take such good care of me.
On second Mondays, they bring in- awww!- puppy dogs! An' bunny rabbits, an' kitty cats, an' little black and yellow birds that sing. It's called Animal Therapy, and it's my favorite. But they don't really let Mistah J in there... or Professor Crane... or Red... or Twin Face... or Puppet Head. Hattie's usually in there- he likes the rabbits, ya know- and Riddle- oop, never mind, I forgot they quit lettin' him in after the last time. An' there's Baby Doll. She's nice. Little, but nice. I really like the puppy dogs. They remind of my Bud and Lou, just smaller and not as bloodthirsty. Sigh... I sure do miss those mutts. Soon as I get out of here, I'm gonna take them downtown and buy them a nice, big, juicy... milkshake!
There's also the hyp-no-ti-za-tion therapy. That's done by a big guy with glasses and a beard who looks kinda like a spooky Santa Claus, only with a swingin' crystal thingy instead of a bag of toys. I don't really like him, although puddin' thinks he's fun ta play with.
And field trips! Sometimes they let us have field trips- ta the zoo, the library, the art museum... Mistah J and me put in a request for the circus, but they haven't let us go yet. Maybe later.
There is one type of therapy I really don't like. I'm guessin' you know which one that is. They strap ya down, put a bunch of stickers on your head, and ZAP ZAP! put a hundred million volts or so through yer noggin. But that's just for people who are, you know, depressed. Or too... I dunno. They've never done it to me, anyhow. Puddin' wouldn't let them.
Red's not really happy about puddin' ducking out and all. She thinks he left me here on purpose. But that's just cause she doesn't know him so well. Know how they say that nobody's perfect? Well, it's not true. My puddin' is, and he loves me more than anything else in the world. Sure, maybe he's knocked me around in the past. But that was my fault- I couldn't take the joke. And-
Hmph. Well, if you wanna be like that, then fine, Red. See if I care.
My puddin' is perfect.
