Author's Note: I am pleased to report that this work is finished. There is only one more chapter left after this one and it will be posted tomorrow morning. A big thank you goes to the women of Writer's Anonymous and the STCC Writer's Guild and extra credit is given to Tea Oli and SpockLikesCats for suffering for over an hour and helping me work and re-work ONE sentence. Your patience and efforts are appreciated.



The Women He Loved

Zarabeth- "Love Everlasting"

It was the most painful lesson he had ever been taught. And he would bear the emotional scars of it for far longer. Zarabeth. When he thought of her it caused him physical pain- a pain which he could not deny. For in the span of three hours they had made five-thousand years of memories…

***

She had found him and saved him when he could not save himself. She had sheltered him and fed him when he could not do the same.

It was in the icy colds of the Sarpeidon caves that he found something that burned within him, ignited him and fueled a passion he had always worked to submerge and bury.

Zarabeth.

They had beamed down to this planet hours before its sun was to go nova. He, Kirk and Dr. McCoy had explored the vast library, and had been taken back in time- searching for where the inhabitants had gone. It was five thousand years in Beta Naiobi's past that he found her. Exiled back in the ice age she shone like a beacon and it was of his own volition that he willfully followed.

He was…tired.

Tired of the battle, of the inner war he waged. As he pondered eternity in this frozen wasteland his mind began to consider every face of every woman he had ever loved and he began to realize what he had willfully given away.

Suddenly…eternity seemed like such a long time to spend alone.

Zarabeth. From the moment he saw her, she had accepted him as he was. There in the warmth of the caves, sheltered among the skins, safe from the cold she had revealed herself to him.

"What are you called" Blue eyes looked upon his inquisitively. She was curious, and he answered her.

I am Spock." He focused his attentions on the good doctor who was sleeping on the bed of skins, his face pale and slightly blue due to exposure.

"Even your name is strange. Forgive me. I've never seen anyone who looks like you. Why are you here? Are you prisoners too?"

Prisoner. How apt a description. He had been a prisoner in his own mind. Sealing himself off from the warmth of others. Whereas she had been forced into this life he had willfully accepted a fate he now saw he did have to choose…Prisoner…trapped inside the strong walls of his carefully erected logical strictures. But, no longer. Here, there was no one.

No one to see him. No one to judge him. No one who could label him and only one… one who could accept him.

And as time passed- how long he could not say- he began to warm to the thought and accept his situation. That other life was gone, regret was illogical when here- here was an opportunity to be as he desired. To allow himself to express what he had kept hidden. And she- she allowed him to simply… be.

"This is my time now. I've had to face that. But it has been so lonely here. Do you know what it's like to be alone? Really alone?"

"Yes, I know what it is like."

Loneliness was a self- made purgatory. Slowly a face appeared in his mind. He was uncertain as to who it was…but he… felt pulled towards it- brown skin, brown eyes… a jarring contrast to the fire red hair, creamy skin and blue eyes he stared into now… that woman…was she from his past- no- his future? Images from long ago, no—they had never been, had they? He allowed himself to immerge in his current situation, focusing on the woman before him, watching her lips as she began to speak.

"There aren't many luxuries around here. Zor Kahn only left me what was necessary to survive."

He slowly took her offering. MEAT. Animal flesh…as he chewed slowly his eyes roamed over her skin…and somehow…the irony of his partaking of animal flesh became a living analogy…

"Insensitive. To send such a beautiful woman into exile."

The words eased from his lips and suddenly his mind was once again thrown into turmoil. Had he said such a thing? Communicated his thoughts in such a way? It was not like him. He moved towards her, pulling her into his arms and lay her down on the animal skin trappings. Slowly he began to unwrap her from the skins that sheltered her nudity from him. He came to rest on top of her…warm hands tangling in his hair and silken thighs wrapping around his hips as he tasted her. His last functioning thought as he joined his body with hers, was that she was the most perfect woman he had ever known…and suddenly…eternity didn't feel quite so long…

It was McCoy who pulled him back from the brink.

"You said we can't get back. The truth is you can't get back."

The doctor's words streamed into his confused mind as he looked from his lover to the doctor. McCoy was incorrect. They were here forever. She was here forever…and he was here with her…

"She would do anything to prevent that life of loneliness. She would lie. She would cheat. She would even murder me, the captain, the entire crew of the Enterprise to keep you here with her. Go ahead, Zarabeth, tell Spock the truth. Go ahead. Tell Spock you would kill!

Rage blinded him. He was filled with anger and acrimony, steeped in mutual hostility borne of years of insults left unanswered. But no more!

"Are you trying to kill me, Spock? Is that what you really want? Think. What are you feeling? Rage? Jealousy? Have you ever had those feelings before?

Feelings… his head swam as the words sank in…mirroring his own sinking heart as he began to realize…no…no…please….no….

He turned to his lover…his mate…the truth he did not know if he could bear…but he had to know…

"Can we go back?"

She refused to meet his eyes, confirming his own fear. He could hear the hurt and sadness in her voice echoing his own wildly fluctuating emotions.

"I do not know. All I know is I can't go back."

It was the moment his world ended.

***

In the end he could not stay. He could not doom another to a life he would have willfully chosen had it been only his own. But he was forced to consider the doctor. And it was only the doctor that guided him back. They crossed through the portal in time to see the librarian rush through.

They stood, side by side as their captain's attention turned to hail the Enterprise.

Externally, he was calm. Internally…he raged…pain, hurt, anger, sadness…grief…

He could feel the doctor's silent gaze upon him.

"There is no further need to observe me, doctor. As you can see I have returned to the present in every sense."

McCoy's looks never wavered. "But it did happen, Spock."

Silence. A beat. Two.

"Yes, it happened. But that was five thousand years ago. And she is dead now. Dead and buried. Long ago."

Dead. He could not disguise the bitter despondency in his voice. He did not believe his own words, and he could tell the Doctor did not believe them either. It was mercifully silent as they beamed back aboard the Enterprise.

And now, standing upon the bridge, they watched as the sun went nova, and destroyed the planet, taking with it a piece of him.

Slowly he turned away from the viewer and began walking silently towards the turbolift. As he passed the communications console a vague image floated through his mind; but it was swallowed up by the well of despair flowing through him as he made his way into the chamber, and then down the corridor, and into the sanctity of his quarters…searching for relief. For- something. Anything, to keep him from the black pit of despair he was slowly falling in.

.