ugh this took like 70000 years I'm sorry
also I am reading the comments, I promise. :) i've got quite a bit typed up already, but i'm definitely writing more of those characters you're asking for. ^_^
=== Be Sollux Captor.
Oh my God.
Really?
You want to be me again?
Listen, dipshit, I've basically SHATTERED this fourth wall, and I don't enjoy doing that. As a person, it leaves me with a very uneasy feeling even knowing that wall is there. It's weird, and I completely hate doing it.
Fine, be me if you want, but I am going to ignore you.
I hate when my thoughts wander; I can never remember them, and so it leaves me with this vaguely uneasy feeling, as if I'm missing something.
CG: HEY, FUCKWAD.
Oh, look. A message from everyone's least favorite douchemuffin. I wonder what he's bitching about now?
TA: 2up, douchebag.
CG: LOOK, I KIND OF NEED ADVICE.
CG: MUCH AS I MIGHT HATE YOU AT TIMES, YOU *ARE* MY BEST FRIEND.
Karkat needs advice? From me? I start to forget about the horrible failure that is me, just a bit.
TA: half of me want2 you two beg for iit.
TA: 2eriiou2ly, when am ii going two get another chance at thii2?
CG: I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL FUCKING ASK SOMEONE ELSE.
TA: you're adorable, 2weetheart.
TA: fiine.
TA: 2hoot.
CG: I HAVE TO STAY AWAKE ALL DAY TOMORROW.
CG: AND TONIGHT IS SHAPING UP TO BE PRETTY FUCKING HORRIBLE.
CG: I NEED SOMETHING TO KEEP MY MIND OFF LIFE.
CG: GOT ANYTHING?
I smirk slightly. Karkat went through my 17 suicide attempts in 8 months with me. He knows I'm hella good at shoving away thoughts; it's probably good he came to me. I also know what he's pushing away.
TA: let me get you 2ome tiimewa2ter 2iite2.
TA: one 2ec.
That's another thing. Because he's my best friend, I can basically figure out what's the best thing for him. Morails can do that, too, but Gamzee's always stoned off his ass, and it makes things slightly more difficult.
I send Shouty a bunch of websites, mostly ones he's never used, and then decide to wreck the little douche's so carefully constructed facade.
TA: 2o.
TA: what'2 happeniing tomorrow that'2 2o iimportant?
TA: and why diidn't you 2leep la2t niight iif you needed to do that?
CG: NOT SOMETHING I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE ENTITLED TO KNOW.
CG: BUT THANKS FOR FUCKING ASKING.
TA: come on, diip2hiit.
TA: ii'll fiind out 2ooner or later.
CG: NOPE.
CG: THIS LITTLE HIDEY-HOLE OF SAFETY IS ACTUALLY REALLY FUCKING NICE.
CG: YOU SHOULD TRY IT SOMETIME.
CG: OH WAIT. YOU CAN'T.
TA: 2eriiou2ly, you priick, iit'2 not liike ii'm a2kiing you 2ome alterniiearth-2hatteriing, liife-changiing que2tiion.
CG: THAT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO PROVIDE YOU ANSWERS.
I sigh, rolling my eyes. Again, I know everything about this troll. Yeah, he's being a douche, but usually I can pry some answers out of him, if not the whole story.
TA: ii'll fiigure iit out eventually, you know ii wiill, and there'll be le22 tea2iing iif iit come2 2traiight from you.
There's a long pause, and I go back to my paper. Hopefully he'll figure himself out and just tell me.
CG: FINE, FINE.
CG: I'M GOING ON A FUCKING DATE.
Okay, I'll admit, I'm surprised. After the first time, none of us expected him to fill that quadrant again. Hell, Terezi was a bit of a shock for us all, and they didn't even particularly function as matesprits. In reality, Karkat and Terezi were like⦠normal friends on steroids. They interact about the same as exes as they did when they were together.
And now he's randomly going on a date out of the blue?
TA: that'2 unexpected.
TA: who wiith?
Another long pause. If all his answers are going to be like this, I might as well just walk over to his house and get them in person.
CG: A HUMAN.
TA: that'2 defiiniitely iintriiguiing, but not what ii a2ked.
CG: OKAY LOOK.
CG: EGBERT TRIED TO FUCKING COMMIT SUICIDE.
CG: I TOOK HIM TO THE HOSPITAL, BUT THERE WAS APPROXIMATELY A FUCKTON OF BLOOD, SO HE WAS IN SHOCK.
CG: DELIRIOUS.
CG: AND HE WANTED ME TO PROMISE HIM A DATE IF HE SURVIVED.
Huh. So John' suicidal, obviously has a crush on Karkat, and is alive and kicking.
Quite a bit of me is annoyed that Spiderbitch doesn't seem to have done much. It's not much of a shock, given her track record, but still. She's the human's fucking morail, she does have quite a bit of say in this. I know she can't stop everything, that's not how morails work, but she could've done something.
TA: you're goiing on a date wiith jn?
TA: that ii2 hiilariiou2 a2 2hiit.
CG: FUCK OFF.
CG: I DON'T PARTICULARLY ENJOY FRIENDS BLEEDING TO DEATH WHEN I CAN ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
My mind immediately conjures that image of him kneeling, broken, over Aranea, and I soften slightly. It makes sense, I guess.
TA: okay, yeah.
TA: ii would be concerned iif you liiked iit.
TA: do you liike hiim?
CG: I DON'T KNOW.
CG: HE'S ANNOYING AS FUCK.
TA: kk, you thiink everyone'2 annoyiing a2 fuck.
TA you think tz'2 annoyiing a2 fuck, and you u2ually tolerate her.
CG: THERE'S NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT HIM.
CG: HE ISN'T FUCKING TERRIBLE, I guess.
TA: 2o you do liike hiim.
CG: NOPE.
TA: come on, kk. you'd be biitchiing 2o much more iif you diidn't.
CG: WELL.
CG: LOOK, I DON'T FUCKING HATE HIM.
CG: HE'S GOT SOME ENDEARING QUALITIES.
CG: BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I LIKE HIM ANY MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE.
I smirk. There we go. Honestly, he needs to learn to just spit this out at the beginning of the conversation. He could've saved so much time.
TA: that'2 adorable.
TA: well, you know me, ii couldn't giive le22 of a 2hiit about who you paiil.
CG: I'M GOING ON ONE FUCKING DATE, SHITSPONGE.
TA: you never know.
CG: WHATEVER.
CG: THANK YOU, YOU USELESS PILE OF SHIT.
TA: no problem, douchemuffiin.
TA: anytiime.
carcinoGeneticist (CG) has disconnected.
I go back to my paper, though my mind's anywhere but. Rather, I'm thinking about matesprits and healthy relationships or lack thereof.
Personally, I don't harbor any delusions that Aradia and I have an exactly healthy matespritship. I know exactly why, too, and I'm the only one who actually knows.
Well, me and her.
I can't bring myself to ever actually think of her name. I don't think about what's happened or what will happen. It all just gets shut out. That's the only way I can stay sane, is by pretending it doesn't happen.
Is that healthy?
Absolutely not.
But it's legal. Everything's legal. I know I can't do anything about it, so I just don't think about it.
God forbid she find out I've told someone. It's what keeps everything so secret, the fact that she's kill me if I said anything, that she'd kill people I love if they found out.
But watching the grief in Aradia's eyes when I pull away from her, seeing how deeply I'm hurting her just because I can't do any of this, because it would be breaking rules, rules she doesn't even know exist- it kills me. I just want to be a normal troll. I just want to love my matesprit properly.
Really, I scream to the quiet, Is that too much to ask?
The question is answered with the same silence it was asked with.
After a minute, I shut my computer off and climb into bed.
I might as well at least TRY to sleep.
