ugh this took like 70000 years I'm sorry

also I am reading the comments, I promise. :) i've got quite a bit typed up already, but i'm definitely writing more of those characters you're asking for. ^_^


=== Be Sollux Captor.

Oh my God.

Really?

You want to be me again?

Listen, dipshit, I've basically SHATTERED this fourth wall, and I don't enjoy doing that. As a person, it leaves me with a very uneasy feeling even knowing that wall is there. It's weird, and I completely hate doing it.

Fine, be me if you want, but I am going to ignore you.

I hate when my thoughts wander; I can never remember them, and so it leaves me with this vaguely uneasy feeling, as if I'm missing something.

CG: HEY, FUCKWAD.

Oh, look. A message from everyone's least favorite douchemuffin. I wonder what he's bitching about now?

TA: 2up, douchebag.

CG: LOOK, I KIND OF NEED ADVICE.

CG: MUCH AS I MIGHT HATE YOU AT TIMES, YOU *ARE* MY BEST FRIEND.

Karkat needs advice? From me? I start to forget about the horrible failure that is me, just a bit.

TA: half of me want2 you two beg for iit.

TA: 2eriiou2ly, when am ii going two get another chance at thii2?

CG: I SWEAR TO GOD, I WILL FUCKING ASK SOMEONE ELSE.

TA: you're adorable, 2weetheart.

TA: fiine.

TA: 2hoot.

CG: I HAVE TO STAY AWAKE ALL DAY TOMORROW.

CG: AND TONIGHT IS SHAPING UP TO BE PRETTY FUCKING HORRIBLE.

CG: I NEED SOMETHING TO KEEP MY MIND OFF LIFE.

CG: GOT ANYTHING?

I smirk slightly. Karkat went through my 17 suicide attempts in 8 months with me. He knows I'm hella good at shoving away thoughts; it's probably good he came to me. I also know what he's pushing away.

TA: let me get you 2ome tiimewa2ter 2iite2.

TA: one 2ec.

That's another thing. Because he's my best friend, I can basically figure out what's the best thing for him. Morails can do that, too, but Gamzee's always stoned off his ass, and it makes things slightly more difficult.

I send Shouty a bunch of websites, mostly ones he's never used, and then decide to wreck the little douche's so carefully constructed facade.

TA: 2o.

TA: what'2 happeniing tomorrow that'2 2o iimportant?

TA: and why diidn't you 2leep la2t niight iif you needed to do that?

CG: NOT SOMETHING I FEEL LIKE YOU'RE ENTITLED TO KNOW.

CG: BUT THANKS FOR FUCKING ASKING.

TA: come on, diip2hiit.

TA: ii'll fiind out 2ooner or later.

CG: NOPE.

CG: THIS LITTLE HIDEY-HOLE OF SAFETY IS ACTUALLY REALLY FUCKING NICE.

CG: YOU SHOULD TRY IT SOMETIME.

CG: OH WAIT. YOU CAN'T.

TA: 2eriiou2ly, you priick, iit'2 not liike ii'm a2kiing you 2ome alterniiearth-2hatteriing, liife-changiing que2tiion.

CG: THAT DOESN'T MEAN I HAVE TO PROVIDE YOU ANSWERS.

I sigh, rolling my eyes. Again, I know everything about this troll. Yeah, he's being a douche, but usually I can pry some answers out of him, if not the whole story.

TA: ii'll fiigure iit out eventually, you know ii wiill, and there'll be le22 tea2iing iif iit come2 2traiight from you.

There's a long pause, and I go back to my paper. Hopefully he'll figure himself out and just tell me.

CG: FINE, FINE.

CG: I'M GOING ON A FUCKING DATE.

Okay, I'll admit, I'm surprised. After the first time, none of us expected him to fill that quadrant again. Hell, Terezi was a bit of a shock for us all, and they didn't even particularly function as matesprits. In reality, Karkat and Terezi were like… normal friends on steroids. They interact about the same as exes as they did when they were together.

And now he's randomly going on a date out of the blue?

TA: that'2 unexpected.

TA: who wiith?

Another long pause. If all his answers are going to be like this, I might as well just walk over to his house and get them in person.

CG: A HUMAN.

TA: that'2 defiiniitely iintriiguiing, but not what ii a2ked.

CG: OKAY LOOK.

CG: EGBERT TRIED TO FUCKING COMMIT SUICIDE.

CG: I TOOK HIM TO THE HOSPITAL, BUT THERE WAS APPROXIMATELY A FUCKTON OF BLOOD, SO HE WAS IN SHOCK.

CG: DELIRIOUS.

CG: AND HE WANTED ME TO PROMISE HIM A DATE IF HE SURVIVED.

Huh. So John' suicidal, obviously has a crush on Karkat, and is alive and kicking.

Quite a bit of me is annoyed that Spiderbitch doesn't seem to have done much. It's not much of a shock, given her track record, but still. She's the human's fucking morail, she does have quite a bit of say in this. I know she can't stop everything, that's not how morails work, but she could've done something.

TA: you're goiing on a date wiith jn?

TA: that ii2 hiilariiou2 a2 2hiit.

CG: FUCK OFF.

CG: I DON'T PARTICULARLY ENJOY FRIENDS BLEEDING TO DEATH WHEN I CAN ACTUALLY DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.

My mind immediately conjures that image of him kneeling, broken, over Aranea, and I soften slightly. It makes sense, I guess.

TA: okay, yeah.

TA: ii would be concerned iif you liiked iit.

TA: do you liike hiim?

CG: I DON'T KNOW.

CG: HE'S ANNOYING AS FUCK.

TA: kk, you thiink everyone'2 annoyiing a2 fuck.

TA you think tz'2 annoyiing a2 fuck, and you u2ually tolerate her.

CG: THERE'S NOTHING SPECIAL ABOUT HIM.

CG: HE ISN'T FUCKING TERRIBLE, I guess.

TA: 2o you do liike hiim.

CG: NOPE.

TA: come on, kk. you'd be biitchiing 2o much more iif you diidn't.

CG: WELL.

CG: LOOK, I DON'T FUCKING HATE HIM.

CG: HE'S GOT SOME ENDEARING QUALITIES.

CG: BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I LIKE HIM ANY MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE.

I smirk. There we go. Honestly, he needs to learn to just spit this out at the beginning of the conversation. He could've saved so much time.

TA: that'2 adorable.

TA: well, you know me, ii couldn't giive le22 of a 2hiit about who you paiil.

CG: I'M GOING ON ONE FUCKING DATE, SHITSPONGE.

TA: you never know.

CG: WHATEVER.

CG: THANK YOU, YOU USELESS PILE OF SHIT.

TA: no problem, douchemuffiin.

TA: anytiime.

carcinoGeneticist (CG) has disconnected.

I go back to my paper, though my mind's anywhere but. Rather, I'm thinking about matesprits and healthy relationships or lack thereof.

Personally, I don't harbor any delusions that Aradia and I have an exactly healthy matespritship. I know exactly why, too, and I'm the only one who actually knows.

Well, me and her.

I can't bring myself to ever actually think of her name. I don't think about what's happened or what will happen. It all just gets shut out. That's the only way I can stay sane, is by pretending it doesn't happen.

Is that healthy?

Absolutely not.

But it's legal. Everything's legal. I know I can't do anything about it, so I just don't think about it.

God forbid she find out I've told someone. It's what keeps everything so secret, the fact that she's kill me if I said anything, that she'd kill people I love if they found out.

But watching the grief in Aradia's eyes when I pull away from her, seeing how deeply I'm hurting her just because I can't do any of this, because it would be breaking rules, rules she doesn't even know exist- it kills me. I just want to be a normal troll. I just want to love my matesprit properly.

Really, I scream to the quiet, Is that too much to ask?

The question is answered with the same silence it was asked with.

After a minute, I shut my computer off and climb into bed.

I might as well at least TRY to sleep.