Chapter 7: Chapter 7

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CHRISTIAN

I couldn't really sleep and it wasn't because of my nightmares. I kept thinking about some of the things Ana said. Jacqueline had made me believe that this was what I needed because I was headed in the wrong direction. I decide to go to check on Ana. I walked into the room slowly hoping not to wake her. I couldn't help but watch her sleep for some reason it calmed me to see how peaceful she looked. I wanted to get into bed with her but I knew I couldn't. I decide get ready before Ana wake up. I didn't want her to try and sneak away even though I wouldn't blame her. I had Gail make breakfast. I know Ana has made up her mind about me but a part of me is hoping that she gives me a chance to make it up to her. I know I don't deserve it. I always had the intention of getting Ana back in my life I just always felt it wasn't the right time but seeing her again made me think that it was sign.

Jacqueline would be pissed if she knew how weak I seem right now but Ana means a lot to me and I don't give a fuck what she thinks.

"Good morning dear, breakfast will be ready in a few minutes." I hear Gail say breaking me from my thoughts.

I'm grateful that she didn't give Ana a chance to turn her down. I look up at Ana who is still wearing my clothes and fuck she looks hot in it. I know she took a shower since her hair is wet.

"Good morning Gail." Ana greets her as she sits next to me.

"Are you feeling better?" I ask and she nods a yes to me. We eat our breakfast in silence and it's killing me that she hasn't said anything.

"Thank you for opening up to Christian I know it wasn't easy." Ana looks up at me with a sad smile.

I know she is going to say more but is trying hard not to cry. It breaks my heart because this feels like goodbye.

"Ana I'm sure you think I'm a monster. You don't approve of the lifestyle I'm in. You know how fucked up I really am but I know if we take things slow even if it's just as friends we can repair that bond we've always shared." I say grabbing her hand.

"You are not a monster that has not once crossed my mind. I don't quite understand the lifestyle but I won't judge you for it either. You have your reasons for believing it's what you need and I can understand that. I still believe Jacqueline was wrong for involving you at such a young age even if you agreed to it. You have a lot going on Christian and I know you are smart enough to figure it all out. You say you're fucked up which only proves that Jacqueline didn't help you like you said. Technically I think she just messed with your mind to have control over you and I know you don't see it that way but it's the truth. I don't want to keep arguing about Jacqueline especially since you will keep defending her proving that you will take her side. You know how I feel, I've given you my opinion on it so there's not much to say. I know who you truly are Christian and so does your family. You just need to see how great of a heart you have because you're good person you are. I think it's best that we go back to not being part of each others lives."

"Don't shut this down before we can have a second chance Ana." I want to say more but Ana stops me as she wipes a tear.

"I gave you us a second chance by giving myself to you, thinking that you finally realized what we had was worth more. Thinking that you knew what we had was real. You can tell me how much I mean to you Christian over and over again but the fact is that you pushed me out of your life for sex. That says a lot more than your words. Jacqueline manipulated you into choosing and you chose her. That is the reason it's better we stay away from each other not because of what you do or the lifestyle. I'm sure you aren't the only one in the world that practices it. It's not because you feel like you're fucked up because I know that when and if you ever decide to clear you mind and think things through you'll realize the truth." I'm surprised at how calm Ana sounds by telling me this and I barely realize that I have tears rolling down my cheeks.

Ana reaches up to wipe them away. I feel to choked up to say anything. "I'm so happy for you Christian you were able accomplish your dream and I know it was all you. As much as I wish I could be an important part of your life I can see I'm not. Goodbye Christian." Grabbing her keys she gets into the elevator.

I feel numb just like when I was so cruel to her all those years ago. I think that's the only reason I was able to deal with Jacqueline's punishments because I couldn't feel much of anything knowing how I treated Ana. Fuck! Ana can't walk out on me like that. She loves me I felt it in the way she kissed me last night even if she pulled away from me. I see it in her eyes. I decided to get some work done to distract me but it doesn't work. I can't get Ana out of my mind. I always thought about her everyday but I was determined to gain control. Jacqueline offered to help me so I focused on that but how much did she really help me if I still consider myself fucked up like Ana said. I grab the glass from my desk and slam it against the wall.

Fucking hell did I really ruin what me and Ana had just to please Jacqueline. Did I really not gain anything at the end. I know Flynn has been trying to get me to see it that way for some time now but I didn't want to hear it. When Jacqueline and I ended our agreement I felt relieved. I remember when Ray asked me to be Ana's date for her party I was more than happy to do so. Being with Ana always felt right. I felt remembering thinking like maybe this was our chance. The night we made love it felt so amazing and when she touched my chest it made me feel like I was finally giving her all of me. The next morning waking up next to Ana I felt so happy, I was complete.

It wasn't till I went to my parents house I saw Jacqueline and she had mentioned how she had a few subs lined up for me and I felt like crap. I didn't want Ana to be part of that life, she deserves better and I somehow convinced myself that I couldn't give her what she needed. Yet now that I think about it I was able to make love to her and not once did I think about what could go wrong or hurting her. It's something I haven't been able to do with anyone else or wanted for that matter. Even though I tried it with Leila who had been my sub for about six months. After being great I asked her what she wanted as a reward and she asked me have regular sex. I hesitated and turned her down but of course she made me feel bad saying she never asked for anything. I told her she had to still respect my hard limits and not to read into it because it was just sex. Leila had tried to touch my chest which pissed me off because she knew it was a hard limit for me. I had tensed up and even though she barely grazed me with her fingers I still felt the burning sensation. I ended up tying her ands to the bed in the playroom. When I tried to do things slow it did nothing to me. I didn't enjoy it for some reason it felt wrong and I couldn't get hard. I ended up punishing her for trying to touch me then sent her to the guest bedroom. The next morning I when we went back to the playroom, things felt wrong. I couldn't focus. The following weekend I ended our contract.

How the fuck could I not see things like Ana did. How did I not realize it before. It can't really be that simple, I refuse to believe it. I did this for her to give her the world. What good that did, I haven't even enjoyed any of it with Ana.