Explode
Chapter 7: Hurt
Hanna's POV
Love dissolves everyone it touches. I understand that everything comes to an end. It took me awhile to, but it finally got to me. I just don't want me and her to be like everything else. I don't want an end, but do I deserve it?
Everyday I come across at least one single thought of Emily. That 'what if' question always appears. What if, what if, what if it was Emily. If Emily was the one I was holding right now. It really does bring pain to me to think about it, then it tends to make me smile sometimes. Because I can just feel her here when I talk about her to myself. Or I pretend I am talking to her, it helps keep me sane.
Spencer, the girl that has it all now. She has the world in her hands, she is holding the universe. I envy that more than I can bare at times. I recall it dangerous for the three of us. Me, her and Emily.
This is day one of living without Emily. Though it doesn't feel like living at all.
Day 1
Standing in my room contemplating, I wander if I am soon to go insane. I wander how long I can last. These things are for me to find out. Today Caleb came home, exhausted. No smile was on his face, he didn't even take the time to eat. He just went right to bed. I stayed up by myself, watched happy romance movies I thought it would help. I cant tell if it has effected me yet.
Day 2
I dreamt about love last night, broken love. You can say it brought a little bit of pain. I manage to come across an abandoned book on my shelf, I decide to read. The title reads...
100 Quotations To Make You Think
by Wolfgang Riebe
I come across one that is really pointed towards people like me.
If you can't see the bright side of life, polish the dull side.
Actually there is a lot that could apply to me.
65.) Time goes by so fast; people go in and out of your life. You must never miss the opportunity to tel these people how much they mean to you.
Did I ever tell Emily how much I truly care for her, what about Mona, or Caleb. How many hearts have I broke? I regret this. I don't know if I am completely willing to feel this for them. It sounds so bad, and I am ashamed. I am so sorry Mona.
Day 3
I can't tell if things are getting easier or harder, but I am trying to find new ways to rid what is in my mind. Reading, writing, drawing, painting, singing, cooking I try everything. I am waiting for some sort of good outcome, I just haven't seen it yet. Caleb is drifting away from me, I don't think I am strong enough to bring him back yet.
Day 4
Caleb is demanding an explanation, I tell him simply "I don't have one"
"How can you not explain this?"
"I just can't, don't make me attempt to."
"Are you hurting Hanna?"
"Yes."
"Why? Who did this? I will..."
"I did this, Caleb."
"What do you mean you did this?"
"I hurt myself by hurting others."
"Was it on purpose?"
"It was for my own selfish reasons."
"You aren't selfish Hanna."
"Your opinion is inaccurate."
"Hanna look at me" He whispers, he picks my chin up slowly and looks straight at me.
"Hanna I can fix this."
"I need to do it on my own."
"Do you want me to leave?"
"No but do what you need to do."
"And that is staying right here." He says, as he takes my hand in his palms.
He is another caring person I don't deserve.
He tucks me into bed that night and sings me a peaceful song. And for some reason I can't cry, I can only feel.
Day 7
Caleb works all day today. I walk into my garage and come across wall paint. I paint trees and moons, it gives me peaceful energy. When Caleb comes home I show him. He smiles and kisses me on my forehead.
He reads me a story that night even though he is exhausted. I keep telling him he doesn't have to be he only continues reading until I fall asleep.
I know he loves me.
Day 12
The whole house is painted by now, and it is my universe. Caleb doesn't seem to mind, I think it actually makes him happy. To see the bright colors existing with one another.
Day 14
Caleb doesn't come home tonight, I try to worry but instead I daydream. Of someone who can truly make him happy.
Day 15
Caleb shows up this morning, he smells of roses. He has his hands behind his back. With curiosity I reach behind back he only backs away. He shows me flowers with a card attached to them that reads
I love you
"I Love you too"
I make him smile, and it actually makes me smile back.
Day 18
I almost build the courage to call Mona, but I lost it when I thought about if she had a lover. That made her happy.
Day 20
I haven't though about Emily till now but I wander how she has been. I am soon to take her advice of actually trying to contact Mona and succeed.
Day 24
I called Mona today
"Mona"
"Hanna is that you?"
"Yeah"
"I miss you"
"I miss you too"
