3/28/11
Dear Professor Quirrell,
He-hey, p-p-professor. H-how are y-y-you d-d-d-d-doing?
Right, like we couldn't tell that your stutter was fake. Pfft. And for those who didn't, it's alright since you weren't in the book or movies a lot. Hell, even Hagrid had more screen time and page coverage than you. Now that's sad.
Anyway, we're here because we're curious. Did you let Voldemort latch onto your soul like a leech, or did you not have a choice? We get it though. After all, how could you say no?
Aside from that though, did you two share a brain? If so, does that mean it's twice as pathetic that two full grown evil wizards couldn't kill an eleven year old Harry? Wow… the Dark Lord really needs to look into alternatives. Obviously the whole 'kill him!' thing isn't working like he hoped.
Speaking of which, did you ever try to convince him? He couldn't have 'killed you for your insolence' since you two shared a body… (insert writer's shudder here). Does that mean that… you know, since he was on the back of your head… for a whole year… umm… curiosity forces us to ask… um… Okay, this is really awkward, but admit it. He watched to wipe your butt and shower each day, didn't he? Ew! Even we, the hardcore writers of fanfiction, have to admit… that's gross!
After all of that, you can't truly say you hadn't grown closer. Now now, don't play Lucius Malfoy's customary, "One does not get close to the Dark Lord," dribble when asked about their private 'torture' sessions. Puh-lease. No one buys that. Admit it! You've had some interesting moments with him.
Don't worry Professor, we won't tell anyone. Promise. Not a soul.
Sincerely,
The Readers and Writers of Fanfiction
Envelope Address:
Rita Skeeter
Writer for the Daily Prophet