Lori leaned against the stair railing next to where Hershel had taken a seat on the third step up. She kept her arms crossed carefully in front of her, biting her tongue as everyone else argued over what they would do next. She kept her eyes trained on Rick's tensed posture as he defended himself against the rest of the group: Hershel's accusations, Maggie's criticisms, and Carol and Beth's complaints. She watched him sink under the weight of it, his jaw ticking, his uneasy stance hardening, becoming defensive.
When Glenn jumped in on her husband's behalf she offered him an appreciative nod, grateful that someone was willing to stand behind the man who had put his life on the line for them time and time again. Her relief, however, was short-lived when Merle broke in from the other side of the bars where he had been locked out all night. She rolled her eyes at his sarcastic tone.
Closing her eyes, she lifted both hands to massage her temples to smooth away the headache that was forming there. Taking a deep breath she tried to block out the yelling match – Merle, then Maggie, Daryl chiming in from the upper level where he stalked back and forth.
"Get back here!" Hershel's voice bellowed, sounding through the room, echoing off the walls as he pushed himself up.
Lori cringed at the sudden explosion and opened her eyes to find Rick's back turned, his body frozen in mid-step as though he was a snapshot, captured in motion. He kept his back turned as he found his footing, his arms loose at his sides.
"You're slipping, Rick," the old man avowed, making his way over to where Rick has paused. "We've all seen it, we understand why – but now is not the time. You once said this is a democracy? Well now you have the own up to that. I put my family's lives in your hands," he asserted, stopping several feet back from the other man. "So get your head clear and do something," he demanded, his voice void of any patience or the understanding he professed to have.
Pushing herself away from the railing Lori cleared her throat. "I think that's enough," she insisted, mustering up her strength. Passing Hershel, she rested her hand on her husband's rigid arm. "Why don't you get some air," she suggested softly. "I'll be out in a bit."
Nodding stiffly, Rick pulled away from her and stalked out of the room.
Turning around to face Hershel she shook her head in disappointment. "You of all people should know better than to," she held up her hand as Maggie began to interject, successfully silencing the young woman. "You've had your say," she kept her index finger up as she spoke, holding the floor for herself.
Levelling her eyes on Hershel she took another step towards him, lowering her voice in an attempt to have some privacy despite their audience. "You have got to let up on him," she demanded firmly. "He's doing the best that he can, and if you want him to pull himself together you need to give him support," she shook her head, setting her jaw. "And stop questioning and criticizing him every step of the way – putting more pressure on him."
Without giving Hershel a chance to argue she turned away, ignoring Maggie's indignant expression. Sliding her eyes sideways she shot Merle a warning look and followed her husband's path around the back of the stairs to the second fire exit.
XXXX
When she stepped outside she could tell immediately that she had interrupted an intense conversation. Pausing underneath the roll-up door she inspected the scene before her: Carl, his hat in his hands, looking up at his father. With his back to her she was unable to see his face, and Rick's was unreadable.
Stepping out onto the covered cement loading dock she smoothed her hand over her son's hair and pulled him into a gentle hug before pushing him toward the door, her hand resting on the spot between his shoulder blades.
He glanced at his father once more before going inside.
Lori turned to Rick next and inspected him for a moment, his tanned arms resting on the slats of a warehouse pallet, his eyes turned outwards toward the woods. Running her teeth over her lower lip she followed his gaze, squinting in the morning sunlight at the yard. Walkers staggered around their lost acreage, groaning and growling. Her eyes fell on the delivery truck sitting in the middle of the field, its dropped gate hidden by the waist high grass. She hadn't been conscious during the event, but she was sure it must have been a sight…
Sighing at the fallen fence and the dwindling barriers between them and the outside world, she wondered if maybe Hershel and – God help them – Merle were right; maybe it was time for them to move on if it wasn't already too late.
Lori took a breath and made her way over to her husband, one arm sliding around his waist, her chest and stomach finding her back, curving into the contours of his body – snug like two matching puzzle pieces. She pressed a kiss to the shelf of his shoulder before resting her cheek on it, her unoccupied hand moving up to join his that held onto a pair of binoculars. Using her thumb, she stroked the length of the back of his hand, "What are you look for?"
Rick remained silent and still, his breaths long and slow, expanding his abdomen underneath her hand.
"It isn't me," she consoled, pulling him closer. "I'm right here, baby."
Rick's chin dipped and she lifted her head just a little to peer at his profile. He looked ashamed as he stared at his feet. "You're doing the absolute best you can," Lori whispered, resting her cheek on his shoulder again. "And there isn't one of us who doesn't appreciate it."
Rick's Adam's apple bobbed and he turned his face towards hers, the stubble on his chin rough against her jaw. "Carl asked me to stop leading. He wants me to let Hershel and Daryl take the reigns."
She considered his words. She knew that her answer would do nothing but burden him further, but she also knew that there was truth behind them that couldn't go unspoken. "He's just scared," she finally answered. "They all are."
Closing his eyes, Rick tilted his face, resting his cheek against hers.
"Come inside," she urged, kissing his cheek. Releasing his hand she ran it through his curls and took a step back, her arm threading through his, locking them together. "I need to feed Judith and you guys need to figure out what you're going to do about Merle. We can't keep him locked up forever."
XXXX
Lori eyed the open door to the common room… she was sceptical of Rick's decision to give Merle free run in the prison. Though she wasn't particularly fond of his mannerisms and he hadn't really done anything to her personally, she still questioned what kind of a presence he would have in the group.
She entered the larger room with caution, her eyes flicking between Michonne and Merle. Making a tight turn she hugged the wall, ducking behind the pole to make her way over to Carol. The baby in her arms shifted and she lifted her to her shoulder, pulling the blanket up to drape over her.
"All ready?" Carol asked, lifting a pot of boiling water off the camping stove.
Lori smiled, passing her to go over to the large oval shaped industrial baking pan that they had found in the kitchen. "I am, but I'm not just about her," Lori hummed, laying the baby down on the table on a towel. "Thanks for getting this set up," she accepted the pot of hot water from Carol and tipped it into the make-shift tub, mixing it with the cold water already in there. Using her hand she swirled the water, gauging its temperature. When she was satisfied she turned to her daughter again.
Carol stood by, watching Lori undo the baby's swaddled blanket. "There you are," Lori whispered to the baby, tearing away the disposable diaper and bundling it. Leaving the wad of cotton and synthetic plastic on the table, she slid her arms under Judith and transferred her into the tub, one hand cradling her head.
Judith's face scrunched as she was submerged into water and she began to wail, her back arched. "Shhh," Lori soothed her, picking up the cloth from beside the tub. Wetting it, she washed the baby efficiently.
Carol made a sound and Lori looked up to find her offering the baby a sympathetic look. She lifted her eyes to meet Lori's and her face shifted to an impish smile. "I always hated it when Sophia would cry like that – like I was torturing her or something."
Lori chuckled softly and nodded in agreement, returning her eyes to her daughter.
"Gonna wake the dead," a gruff voice came from behind Carol; Lori looked up to see that Merle had come out of the storage cell.
Lori quirked one brow, unsure of how to take his comment. She wondered if Merle was as good with babies as his brother was – somehow she doubted it. Despite his hard shell, Daryl had a softness inside him: Merle on the other hand seemed to be calcified right through.
He came to the edge of the table and Lori eyed his prosthetic hand… if one could even call it that. She suppressed the urge to scoop the baby up and leave and instead discarded the cloth to cup water to rinse Judith's hair.
"How d'you know she ain't gonna take a shit in there?" Merle asked, lifting one boot up to rest on the bolted seat.
Nope, definitely not as good with babies as his brother.
"You gonna keep talking with that vulgarity around my sweet little girl?" she asked pointedly, easing Judith out of the tub and back onto the towel.
Merle chuckled, giving her sense that he found her idiotic. Grinding her teeth she shook her head. "You know you're putting every single one of our lives at risk by coming here," she retorted, drying the still crying baby off. She worked as quickly as possible, just wanting to get back to the cellblock.
Carol came to her side, silently offering her support as she leaned into her, busying herself with drying up the splashed water.
"That what you think?" Merle scoffed, putting his foot down and straightening up. "You think that had anything to do with me?"
Lori glanced at the blade attached to his hand then back down at her daughter. Picking up the lotion, she quickly massaged it into the baby's skin.
"Your husband stepped on a hornet's nest," he replied.
Lori scoffed, lifting Judith's ankles to slide a fresh diaper underneath her, trying to keep her hands from trembling. "And you had nothing to do with that?" The question was made rhetorical by the sass in her voice and she eased Judith up to her chest, one hand cradling the back of her head, the other supporting her bum.
Lori levelled him with her gaze. "If you're going to stick with us and live here? Take some damn personal responsibility," she muttered, heading back towards her cell.
She was about to tell Carol she would be back in a minute to help clean up when the door suddenly slammed open, startling her. Spinning around, she found Carl coming through at full tilt. "Dad!" he yelled, dashing down the steps. "Andrea's outside!" he blurted, looking around. "Dad!"
The prison sprang into action, Glenn and Daryl suddenly appearing in the room, grabbing weapons. Lori stood in the middle of it watching them rushing around. Glenn sent Daryl, Merle and Michonne out to the yard, and called to Carol to follow him.
Lori followed them toward the overpass, but was stopped short before she could pass through the door by Carol's hand landing on her shoulder.
"You stay inside," Carol ordered, pushing Lori back before grabbing the door handle and pulling it closed with a slam.
Left alone in the cellblock, Lori sighed and looked down at her wailing daughter.
XXXX
Lori waited for the others to come in, her stomach twisted into knots of anxiety. She dressed the baby on the bottom bunk in her cell, guiding her legs into a pair of white tights. The plastic cover of her diaper crinkled as she moved her, keeping her eyes fixed on her sleeping baby's face. Reaching forward she ran her finger over parted pink lips.
She heard commotion and doors slamming. Moving quickly, she grabbed a purple dress from the small collection of baby clothes and pulled it over Judith's head before turning to her feet to dress them in a pair of knitted booties. Voices echoed through the building and she got to her feet, her hand gripping the upper bunk to make it easier. The commotion of the day was taking its toll on her freshly reopened incision and she was starting to get sore enough that she was considering taking something for the pain.
She had enough milk in the cooler to keep Judith going for at least the day, though she wasn't sure how long the drugs would stay in her system.
Picking up Judith and the throw blanket she was laying on, Lori winced, straightening up slowly. She laid the baby girl across her forearm and headed toward the common room, and then paused, considering her daughter. Changing her mind, she went back into her cell and placed Judith in the box in corner. Cringing, she got to her feet again and made her way toward where she could hear Carol's soft voice, her hand pressed to her stomach.
Lori slipped into the room just as Andrea asked about Shane and she winced, glancing over at Rick to see his reaction. He shook his head and shared a look with Daryl before lowering his eyes to the floor.
"And Lori?" Andrea asked, glancing around the room, apparently not seeing her as she stepped past Merle and began to make her way down the stairs. Rick's eyes lifted to meet hers and she offered him a smile that she hoped didn't belie her discomfort. Andrea turned around, her face cracking into a small smile.
When Lori reached the bottom step the blonde woman pulled her into a hug. The sudden movement caught her off guard, jarring her and causing her body to stiffen, bracing for the sudden pain. She hissed involuntarily into Andrea's ear, and grabbed her biceps, pushing her away.
Andrea's face flickered with confusion and her eyes fell to Lori's still puffy belly.
"A girl," Lori announced, rubbing her tender abdomen. She looked the other woman over, unsure of what she was supposed to think about her sudden reappearance in their lives. "I'm glad you're alright." She settled on her comments carefully and patted the woman's shoulder before making her way over to her son.
"We lost T-Dog," Carol piped in solemnly as Lori lowered herself onto a seat, reaching her hand out to her son.
He glanced down at her outstretched hand for a moment before going to her, allowing her to pull him into her side.
"You all live here?" Andrea asked, looking around the room.
"Here and in the cell-block," Glenn answered.
Andrea looked toward the open door, "There? Can I go in?" she took a step in the direction of the door, but was stopped as Rick moved into her way.
"I won't allow that," he retorted, only stopped when he was less than a foot from her.
The blonde woman took a small step back, settling onto one foot. "I'm not an enemy, Rick."
Rick's lip curled, "We had that field," he explained pointing toward the window, "that courtyard; until your boyfriend tore down the fence with a truck and shot us up." His hand moved to rest on his gun as he looked down at her, his face rigid.
Andrea waivered, "He said you fired first," she said, her voice full of disbelief.
"Well, he's lyin'."
"He killed an inmate who'd survived in here," Hershel spoke up, trying to convince her.
Lori watched as she struggled to accept their truth, the way she crossed one hand over her ribs and covered her mouth with the other. She felt for the woman…
"We liked him; he was one of us," Daryl added from his spot on the table.
Andrea's hand curled into the collar of her shirt. "I didn't know anything about that," she answered, shaking her head lightly. "As soon as I found out I came," she turned around, meeting each of their eyes. "I didn't even know you were in Woodbury until after the shootout," she entreated, her voice rising.
"That was days ago," Glenn accused, unwavering.
"I told you I came as soon as I could," Andrea answered, her voice becoming defensive. She looked imploringly between Glenn and Maggie, taking deep breaths, her eyes shining with tears. Suddenly, she turned to Michonne. "What have you told them?" she demanded.
Michonne leaned again the storage cage, her face impassive. "Nothing," she declared.
"I don't get it!" Andrea turned to meet their eyes again. "I left Atlanta with you people and now I'm and odd man out?" she asked incredulously.
"He almost killed Michonne, and he would've killed us," Glenn's eyes widened, his anger and impatience bubbling to the surface.
Andrea stabbed at the air between her and Merle. "With his finger on the trigger! Isn't he the one who kidnapped you? Who beat you?" she questioned, reminding Lori that the woman had been an attorney in her other life. She blew out a puff of air and steepled her hands, covering her nose, rubbing her corners of her eyes. "Look, I cannot excuse or explain what Phillip has done – but I am here trying to bring us together," she dropped her hands to her sides, her eyes finding Rick's again. "We have to work this out!"
"There's nothing to work out," Rick replied. "We're gonna kill him. I don't know how, or when, but we will," he nodded once.
Andrea shook her head, "we can settle this," she insisted. "There is room at Woodbury for all of you!"
Merle smirked, drawing their attention as he spoke up for the first time. "You know better than that.
Andrea sighed, crossing her arms again.
"What makes you think this man wants to negotiate?" Hershel asked, looking over at her. "Did he say that?"
"No," Andrea admitted.
"Then why did you come here?" Rick shifted on his feet.
Andrea breathed out. "Because he's gearing up for war. The people are terrified, they see you as killers. They're training to attack."
"I'll tell you what," Daryl spoke up again. "Next time you see Phillip," the name rolled off his tongue with bitter mockery. "You tell him I'm gonna take his other eye," he promised.
"We've taken too much shit for too long," Glenn said. "We wants a war, he's got one."
Andrea ignored both their comments. "Rick?" she moved towards him. "If you don't sit down and try to work this out… I don't know what's gonna happen, he has a whole town! Look at you, you've lost so much already. You can't stand alone anymore," she turned her back on him and looked to Glenn, and then Lori.
Lori held her eyes for a moment until Andrea was distracted by Rick circling her until they were face to face again. "You want to make this right?" he demanded. "Get us inside."
"No!"
"Then we've got nothing to talk about," Rick started toward the door.
"There are innocent people!" Andrea continued, talking to Rick's back.
Lori watched her husband leave the room in disbelief. Using the table, she pushed herself to her feet, keeping her arm around Carl who helped her up. Without meeting Andrea's eyes she followed her husband out, keeping her son close to her side.
She found Rick pacing the cellblock, his hands clasped behind his head.
"Go check on Judith for me, okay?" she paused, running her thumb over Carl's cheek. The boy nodded, his eyes lingering on his father as he walked away. Once he was out of earshot, she turned back to Rick and held out her hand. "Come here?" she requested.
He turned to her, his face lined with anger, his brown pinched and creased. He looked to her hand, as though considering his options, then approached her, his fingers intertwining with hers.
Lori guided him into a hug, her arms sliding under his to wrap around his back. She held him, and he her for a long time, just breathing until his wound muscles began to uncoil and relax.
"It was my fault that Andrea was left behind," she broke the silence, tilting her head to bury it into his neck, her eyes closed. "That night at the farm, as we were getting into the car. I…" she sighed, too tired to get into the explanation. "It was my fault."
Lori had thought about that night often through the winter and even now. So much had happened and the guilt wore on her like extra weight, pulling her down. Andrea, Shane, Rick, Carl… so many had been hurt because of her actions.
"You didn't say anything," his hand drifted over the curve of her spine, up to cup the back of her head, securing her against him.
You wouldn't listen, she thought, swallowing the words and tucking them away inside her.