For the past ten minutes or so I have been sitting here on the bed in semi Indian style. Just thinking. I barely even cried in the ten minutes that have gone by. There might have been a tear or two that managed to roll down my face but I didn't really pay attention. I still can't believe Missy just came in here and tried to apologize for what she did to me. What was she getting from that any way? Did she think that I wasn't going to know that she wasn't serious about what she was saying to me? God I really really hate her. I never thought I would hate someone as much as I hate her. But as much as I hate her it still doesn't compare to how much I hate myself. All those other times recently that I wanted to die, those other attempts I made to kill myself, those are nothing compared to this moment. I truly want to kill myself right now, unlike those other times. But how am I going to go about doing it? Do I want a nice quick death or a slow drawn out death? Either way I want it to have the least amount of pain involved as possible.

That's it I'm getting off this bed. Oh shit I forgot that I knocked the wheelchair over. Now what? Fuck it. Alright I'll just drop down onto the floor like I did before. Here we go. Aw shit I kind of landed hard. On my good leg too. But I'm not going to worry about that. How the hell am I going to pick my wheelchair up so I can get into it? This is going to be tough. Ok wheelchair you're going to have to help me out here. I'm staring at you, the least you could do is get up by yourself or something. Aw come one man… Stupid wheelchair. Why am I talking to it? That seemed familiar. I'm really cracking up now. But that doesn't matter now since I've got a job to do. This is probably the most important and longest awaited job that I'll ever do. Everyone will probably be like, why in the hell didn't he do this sooner? Well fuck all of you. I hope you'll all be happy now that you're getting what you want. I know you'd be happy. Probably will throw a party to celebrate the fact that I'm gone. What I don't understand is why has everyone pretended for so long that they actually care about me?

Oh my God fucking hell that took for fucking ever. Stupid asshole wheelchair. I think I'm actually sweaty from trying to sit the wheelchair back up. I almost need to take a breather before I can pull myself up into it. This is going to suck. I know it is. I should have known that my last moments alive wouldn't go so well. It actually wouldn't make any sense if things went smoothly. I actually want this to go as horribly as possible. I'm not going out with no pussy whimper. I hope there's one big ass nasty mess for Missy to clean up once I'm dead. She needs to suffer a little with this and the only way she would suffer is if she has something to clean up afterwards. That's the only way to go. I love the thought about that; leave one last thing for Missy to resent about me.

Well now I'm sitting in my chair instead of on the bed. I still haven't figured out what to do in order to take my own life. Something will come. Ugh… man… I hate thinking. Maybe I should go piss first. Sometimes I think better when I'm in the bathroom. I don't know what that is either. Something about being in the bathroom just helps me to concentrate. Even my ADD goes away completely when I'm in there. Not all the time thought. What was I doing? Ok yeah never mind. Just go into the bathroom and get this over with. Well now here I am in the bathroom and I'm about to piss like a girl. I've actually gotten used to this. But this will be the last time that I ever do this.

Hmm… Oh! I just got an idea. I need a belt. And of course I'm not wearing one today. Well then that means I just have to go into my room. Well I guess it'll only be Missy's room real soon. Now she'll finally be able to do whatever she wants with it. I don't care. Ok closet. What have you got? This place is so unorganized. Well that's my fault mainly. Not anymore. Oh here's a belt. How am I supposed to do this? Hmm… well… maybe I could… uh… shit. Looking at everything in the closet right now and I really don't see anything I could… Maybe I could attach one end of the belt onto the bar somehow and then just like loop it around my neck. That could work. Right? Well I'm trying it. Hopefully this time I'll have time to get through this before Missy comes in to stop me. I just don't know why she keeps stopping me. She's crazy. Ok I think that is secure enough. Now all I have to do is get it around my neck. I almost hate how well this it turning out I wanted more complications than this. Oh well whatever. Just do it already. The belt is looped around my neck. All I have to do is tighten it. Here I go…

I love the way that feels around my neck. Is it tight enough? My head feel kind of… I don't know. It's hard to breathe. I'm feeling sleepy…

What? What's going on? Why do I feel like this? Where am I?

"Bam?"

I think that was Missy. My head… my body… ugh. Everything feels so strange. I'm like… I dunno. Kind of tingly all over. I feel kind of like I'm high… but it's not a real good high. More like a weird, bad kind of high. What the hell happened?

"Bam can you look at me?"

Look at you? What? I feel like I'm… where am I? I don't think I'm in my wheelchair…

"M-Missy?" My voice sounds so weak.

Oh shit… I'm still alive. How the hell am I still alive? This can't be…

"Oh babe you had me so worried!"

Why are you hugging me? Why were you worried? My head feels funny… I think I'm on the floor.

"No babe don't try to sit up."

"Why?"

"I don't want to risk you passing out again."

"So… so I'm supposed to just lie here?"

What's she doing? Is she petting me? Why is she petting me? This is weird. Why did I have to still be alive? That should have killed me. Mother fucker. I'm so pissed off right now. Missy won't stop touching me. What's the matter with her? I need to get away from her so bad. But how in the hell am I supposed to get away from her if she won't leave me alone? I need out of this house. I need out of this life. Missy needs to leave long enough so I can kill myself in peace. Why does she keep stopping me? She's torturing me by keeping me alive. Maybe I already am dead. That's it. Whatever caused my accident actually killed me. And now I'm in hell. I think I figured that out before. Missy please just help me up and then leave me the hell alone so I can die already. Now I've got to think of some other way to kill myself. I've tried swallowing pills, she took them away from me before I could get the bottle open. I tried to throw myself off of the deck, and she pulled me off of the railing… and then beat the shit out of me. I tried to fight back. I really did. But I just couldn't fight her. Now I tried choking myself to death with a belt and… I don't know what she did to stop me this time. I managed to get further than the other suicide attempts I made. But all I managed to do was make myself unconscious. I don't even know how long I was unconscious before Missy found me. God I am so angry right now.

Why does Missy have to ruin everything for me? Why did she have to save my worthless piece of shit of a life? Fuck. I should kill her first and then kill myself. That's the only way she won't be able to stop me. I can't kill her. She, unlike me, deserves to live. I just don't have it in my heart to kill anyone. I wish I didn't have a heart. It's done nothing for me any way. Nothing good that is. I was such a fool for ever believing that I should care about any one and that they should care about me.

I really want to just shoot myself and get it over with all ready. One bullet in my brain to completely end it once and for all. If only I had a gun. That would be the best way to go. And Missy wouldn't even be able to stop me. Just pull the trigger and BOOM! Done. Nothing but brains and blood everywhere. Blood. Now that gives me an idea. I just need Missy to finally leave me alone so I can do it. Why are you still in here you stupid bitch? Fuck you. Just leave. Now.

Thank God. Now I just have to get back into my chair. My head still feels funny but not as much as it did before. Who put my chair so far away from me? Damn Missy. Ok I'm in my chair now. All I have to do is get to the bathroom. I feel like I'm going in circles. Well what do I do first now that I'm in here? Hmm… Here we go. I'll just get the water going in the tub for a little bit. Where are my razors? I swear I can't find anything that's right in front of me. Fuck. I guess I just can't do anything right. No wonder I haven't been able to die. Well that's about to end. Ok I got the razor blade. I'm by the tub. I just shut the water off. I think this could work out great for me. If I don't bleed to death then I'll pass out face first into the water and drown. First I got to get down close enough to the tub. That means I have to get out of my wheelchair. There… Time to get this done once and for all. It's about fucking time too. Missy better not come in here and ruin it. Maybe she'll think I'm taking a bath. Ha.

Let me just roll up my sleeves. Take a deep breath, Bam. Ow! Oh… look. Blood. Now the other wrist. Oooh… the water is turning red already. Oh man… I like the way that looks. Maybe I can make some patterns in the water with my blood… Nah. I don't need to have fun before I go. The water feels nice… wow… So much blood already… I feel dizzy… really dizzy… oh… shit… Now I… I feel kind of cold… oh God… so dizzy…

I don't know what's going on around me. I feel weird. I think I'm dead. Wait… Am I dead or alive? It's so hard to tell. Would I be thinking if I was dead? Maybe I'm a spirit… I have no idea if I wound up going to heaven or hell. Maybe I'm in purgatory. Whatever. I don't care where I am as long as I'm dead. Fucking God damn me. I think I'm breathing. Shit. I'm breathing. What the hell? Is there nothing that can kill me now? God no.

"Bam." No. "Bam can you hear me?" NO! What? "Now Bam if you can hear me, open your eyes." I don't want to… "Well now welcome back." Welcome? "We thought we lost you for good." You should have. "How are you feeling?" Like you care.

"Shit…" I'm so quiet.

"Now relax. We're taking good care of you." But why are you? What's on my wrists? I have to get them off. "Bam we bandaged your wrists so you wouldn't get at your stitches. You need to keep those on for a while." Ugh. Whatever. "We're going to let your wife see you now, but only for a few minutes because you need your rest." Rest for what? I don't even want to see Missy. Fuck you. "I'll just leave you two alone." Don't come back. Ever. And take her with you while you're at it.

"Babe…" Damn it. "Babe how are you feeling?" How am I feeling? I hate that question.

"Please don't ask me that." I'm still quiet.

"Babe I.. I really thought you were dead when I found you in the bathroom." I wish you had. But that would have been too good for you.

"I don't care…"

"How could you not care?!" Easy. Like this. Now leave me alone. "Did you just roll your eyes at me?" What do you think, stupid bitch?

"Why couldn't you just leave me where I was?"

"What do you mean? I wasn't going to let you die!"

"Why not? It's what you would have wanted. You and everyone else. So I was doing you all a favor."

"How can you say that?! That's not true Bam! I love you!"

"Bullshit."

"What did you just say?"

"Bull. Shit. You don't love me. You never loved me No one has."

"I can't believe what I'm hearing." Why not? You know it's true. "Babe if I didn't love you, do you think I would have called an ambulance to save your life? Do you think I would be here right now talking to you and listening to you talk this way? This is the… forth time I've stopped you from killing yourself. That should show you how much I love you right there." Whatever bitch.

I can't even look at her any more. This is the worst I've ever felt. I can't believe it… Part of me actually wants to believe what she's saying to me. But that's a very small part. Mostly I just want her to leave. I don't want to be around her any more. I don't want to be around any one. I've officially reached the lowest point in my entire life. But the thing is I have no idea if I want to get out of the place that I'm in right now. But at the same time I don't know if I want to stay here. I still don't think I deserve to live but I don't want to waste my time with trying to kill myself any more. I no longer see the point in trying. Someone is always going to be there to stop me. I wish Missy would leave me alone right now. Didn't the doctor say that she couldn't stay long? Seems like she's been in here for a long time. She's still talking to me. And… holding my hand. I just realized that… Oh man… I just don't know what to do any more.