"So let me get this straight." Mario started pacing around the apartment. Luigi and Mac sat on the couch, with Mac look nervous and Luigi looking terrified. "I leave for one day. ONE!" he raised his finger for extra emphasis. "And in-between last night and right now, you two find this dog and duck duo, decided to adopt them, and go get food for them?"

Luigi gulped. "...Yes."

Mario took a deep breath. "Okay, I'll bite: how?"

"I was walking home from training with Doc, and the two followed me. I couldn't get rid of them, sorry." Mac answered.

"I couldn't get rid of them either! They are just such poor and innocent creatures." Luigi said.

Mario rubbed his temple. "You know, if I wasn't in such a good mood from verbally choking out Giovanni Ladee, I would have smack you both. And I am really disappointed in you Mac."

"Wait, why me?" Mac asked.

"Because I expect this kind of crap from Luigi, but I expect more from you. You have to be the one with sense when I'm away because we all know Luigi has none."

"It's not like I'm in charge," Mac said.

"Good point." Mario snapped his fingers. "From now on Luigi, Mac is in charge when I'm away."

"Are you serious?! I look twice his age!" Luigi protested.

"Well you're half as mature, so it balances out."

"QUACK!"

Mario turned around. The dog and duck had dug their way into the bags and were eating the food inside!

"Hey! I was gonna return that and get my money back!" He shouted at the animals.

"HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!" The dog laughed at him before chewing up another piece of kibble.

"Oh, so Huckleberry Hound's all smiles, huh?!" Mario grabbed the newspaper and rolled it up. "I got something for that!"

Luigi spoke up. "Actually, I think he's a basset hound, so calling him Droopy would be more accurate-"

"NOT NOW!" Mario clocked Luigi upside the head with the newspaper.

"QUACK! QUACK!" The duck flapped its wings and flew into the air. "QUACK! QUACK!" He shouted straight in Mario's face.

"Stay down!" Mario tried to swat the bird down, but the mallard was elusive, being able to dodge Mario's swipes.

"QUACK!" The dog drop kicked Mario in the chest, sending Mario stumbling back. The dog got behind Mario and tripped him up from behind, and Mario tumbled to the ground. "OW!" It was a painful landing.

"HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!" Mario heard as he was staring at the ceiling.

"NOW YOU'RE IN FOR IT FIDO!" Mario jumped back to his feet enraged.

"NO! HEE HEE HEE! THAT WAS ME!" Mario turned around to see Luigi wiping a tear from his eye. "Classic. That had me in stitches."

"Oh no." Mario shook his head. "THIS IS GONNA HAVE YOU IN STITCHES!" He leaped on Luigi and started giving him a beat down with the newspaper. "IF!" WHAP! "YOU!" WHAP! "BRING!" WHAP! "ANIMALS!" WHAP! "INTO!" WHAP! "MY!" WHAP! "APARTMENT!" WHAP! "EVER!" WHAP! "AGAIN!" WHAP! WHAP! WHAP!

"It's best if you two just stay out of this. They do this all time." Mac told the dog and duck duo. "Just get back to eating."

The two animals decided to nod and go back to their food, watching as Mario and Luigi fought on top of the couch. Dinner and a show, I guess. Mac thought.

"THERE!" Mario smacked Luigi one last time. "Now sit on the couch and think about what you have done."

He turned his attention to Mac. "So, any idea where the dog came from? Or is it a straight up stray?"

"It's got a tag," Mac said, reaching into his pocket. "It was a little tight on the dog, so I first loosened it before I took it off completely, here it is. 'If found as lost, return to the Gunpei Farm at 8519 Zapper Lane, Great Patterson Swamp'."

"Alright, we got a few hours. We'll take them back. Luigi! Get up! We got places to be."

"No..I'm good here," Luigi said on the floor. "You go on ahead."

"Do I need to get the newspaper again..."

"I'M UP! I'M UP!" Luigi popped up, getting the car keys.

"Good," Mario muttered. "That's the most use I've ever got out of the opinion column."

The wheels of the El Dorado turned brown in the mud of the murky wetlands. Mario looked out at the dying sun as nightfall descended upon them.

"Oh boy." He said to himself before turning to his companions. "Okay so, a few months back, a gang of cattle rustlers came through here. The 'Wild Gunmen'. Killed a few farmers and cops. Never got caught. Be on the lookout. Luigi, get the piece."

"Are-Are you sure?" Luigi asked.

"Positive."

Luigi slowly reached under his seat and pulled out a 9mm that had been taped to the bottom of the seat. "Locked and loaded. Are you sure we have to use this? I hate to have to even touch it."

"I hate it too, but you never know. Rather have to point a gun at somebody than someone points a gun at me." Mario pulled out a .38 from the side of his seat. "Put it on your back, between your overalls and your shirt. Mac, I don't keep a third gun in the car. Stay here, stay low and be on the lookout. I'm leaving the keys here. If anything happens, drive out of here. Remember Luigi, we are just returning the dog. In and out."

"You don't have to tell me twice. Look, I think that's the farm right there."

Rolling up into the farm, Mario quickly parked and stepped out. "Let's get this over with, I ain't trying to get jumped."

Mario opened the passenger door to find an angry dog whose nails were digging into his leather seating. "GRRRRR!"

"Woah Woah Woah. The hell is wrong with you?!"

"WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!"

"I don't have time for this! Get out here!"

The dog refused to budge, still growling menacingly.

"Move it!" Luigi shoved the dog from behind out of the car, and Mario slammed it shut the second the dog was out.

"WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF!"

"Oh shut up! This is your home, right? You should be excited too-"

"WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON OUT HERE?!" The farm door opened, and an old man in hunting gear came out holding a scattergun. Several hunting dogs came out from behind him, all bearing their fangs.

"OKAY OKAY! LET'S ALL JUST CALM DOWN HERE EVERYONE!" Mario shouted from a distance, wanting to stay as far from that shotgun as possible. "MISTER! ARE YOU THE OWNER OF THIS DOG?! WE FOUND IT IN THE STREETS WITH YOUR NAME ON IT!" Mario kicked the dog up front and center.

The farmer peered out to look at the dog. "Yeah, THAT LITTLE SHIT WAS MINE! LITTLE BASTARD RAN OFF ABOUT A WEEK AGO! I THOUGHT A COYOTE GOT TO 'IM!"

"NAW! WE FOUND HIS ASS TODAY! YOU CAN COME TAKE HIM BACK!"

"MISTER, THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THAT DOG AND A PILE OF SHIT IS THAT I CAN AT LEAST TAKE THE SHIT AND FERTILIZE MY LAWN WITH IT! DOG IS AS USELESS AS A BLIND MAN IN A HURRICANE! FIRST WHEN I SEND THE DOG OUT HUNTING FOR THE LOCAL DUCKS, THING ALWAYS RETURNS WITH JACK-SHIT! THEN WHEN I GO HUNTING FOR 'EM MAHSELF, DOG WANTS TO LAUGH WHENEVER I CAN'T HIT NUTHIN! I TRIED MY BEST TO WHIP THAT DOG INTO SHAPE, TURNED OUT TO BE WORTHLESS! KEEP THAT DOG, PUT IT IN A SHELTER, OR SHOOT IT RIGHT NOW, BUT AS GOD IS MY WITNESS, I AIN'T TAKING THAT MOTHERFUCKER BACK! HE HAD HIS CHANCES! BIGGEST WASTE OF SPACE, EFFORT, AND FOOD I'VE EVER KNOWN! GOOD RIDDANCE!"

"FINE! LUIGI, WE'RE GONE!" Mario opened the passenger door. "Get back inside!" He yelled at the dog.

Quickly getting inside himself, Mario sped away from the farm.

"I think they got a pound just a few blocks away," Mario said as he drove down the dark road. "We can take them in the morning before our first appointment."

"Wait, you're gonna put those two in a pound?" Luigi couldn't believe what he was hearing.

"Well, yeah." Mario looked over at his brother incredulously. "Do animals not go there or something? Wait, what's the difference between a pound, shelter, and rescue again? I really don't know the difference..."

"Not that!" Luigi said. "I meant are you just going to ship them off somewhere like a box?!"

"What else are we gonna do? It's not like we can keep them ourselves."

"Why can't we? The apartment allows pets."

"Are YOU going to pay for them? Are YOU going to provide for them and clean up after them?"

"Yes, I can! I can, and I will!"

"Alright, first of all, you couldn't even take care of a goldfish! Wait, you literally could not take care of a goldfish! Remember Gilligan?"

"That was a long time ago! I'm sorry I forgot to feed him for a month! It happens!"

"Alright, so ignoring your history for animal abuse, it makes no financial sense to keep these things around. Owning, pets add up, we could use that money for later!"

"Look, Mario, those things came to us in their time of need. We can't turn a blind eye to them now. Look at that dog."

Mario looked in the rearview mirror, and that's when he noticed the dog's back. The dog's fur was not only manly but had shown signs of being on the street for quite a while. Bumps and rashes ran down its back while wounds decorated the rest of its body. Some healed up into nasty-looking scars, some still open and very fresh.

"I think that farmer beat on that dog, Mario."

"Remember what the farmer said? The dog had been gone for a week. A week on the Brooklyn streets will do that to you."

"Do you remember what the farmer said when he said he tried to 'whip the dog into shape' and everything? Some of those scars look a lot older than one week."

"So you want to blow whatever money we've saved to go on this dog and duck duo? Look, Luigi, I'm not saying that your heart's not in the right place, I'm just saying that we can't afford to pay for every stray that walks into our home. We have to draw the line somewhere, or else we're gonna be the ones on the street begging for money."

Luigi looked out the window again, going quietly. After a few seconds, Luigi's expression changed, and he cracked a smile.

"Oh no," Mario said. "That can't be good."

"Hey Mario," Luigi looked at him slyly. "Remember when you hired Mac, and you said, that the next time we had a gut call to make, I could make it?"

Now Mario went quiet, looking at Luigi. "You piece of shit."

Luigi burst out laughing. "You said it! You said it, not me!"

"You actual son of a-" Mario turned his attention back to the road. "Fine. You got me."

"I told you, I'll do everything, and I'll pay for everything. This is the last time. We don't invite any more animals, I promise. Just keep these two. Please."

"I'll help," Mac said from the backseat.

"It is totally up to you," Mario said, trying to decide to either be mad or appreciate the fact that he had been got.

"Alright so, we need a name for our new family pets!" Luigi squealed with delight. "Let's see, how about...Hiro?"

"Hero? Why?" Mario asked. "What's it superpower; the ability to absorb money at a second's notice?"

"No. Hiro. I, note. Put some style on it."

"Because as we all know, Luigi just oozes style," Mario muttered.

"And for the duck... how about Kiyo? That way the names can rhyme. Hiro, Kiyo, Hiro, Kiyo."

"Fine. Whatever. Hiro and Kiyo it is.

"I'm tryin' to get this money, God
You know the hard times, kid"