"Are you ready for this?" Clarke asked. "Octavia said they're almost ready."
Bellamy nodded, solemnly. She'd gone back to avoiding his eyes. He couldn't help suspecting that it had something to do with his new ability to meditate. It made it harder. All of it.
How was he supposed to live his life like this? It was easy when she was angry, or they just disagreed. Even when she thought he was a terrible person, at least it was just him she hated. She was his partner, not she was his flame keeper. She'd be that for the rest of their lives… It would never go back to the way it was. The last time he remembered her seeing him, really seeing him, she was saying goodbye.
"You know the names."
It wasn't what she really wanted to ask.
"I know them."
"How?"
"The program. It has them."
She looked at him. It would have been a relief if her eyes weren't begging him for more.
Don't tell her. She doesn't need to know. 'Move forward like Clarke'. That's what Lexa told him. Admitting he was seeing her as a semi sentient individual would just send them back a step. 'Don't let the past be your prison'. Don't tell her.
Suddenly, he was the one who couldn't make eye contact.
"Good," Clarke said quietly. "I guess we should go."
"Unless Lexa forgot one," he half-joked.
Her eyes sparked a little when they found his. He wasn't sure what to do with that. The look in her eye when she realized what he meant, was almost more than he could handle.
"She was there?"
"I don't know what it was, Clarke. I don't know if it's just my memories and the interface, but she seemed real. She seemed… alive."
He said them. The word he'd hated so much. They were bitter in his mouth, but they were the truth. It wasn't what he wanted. It wasn't what Lexa recommended, but it was Clarke needed.
"I," she started. "I don't know what to say."
"Neither does she." Neither do I!
"She doesn't just answer your questions are the other commanders there?"
Hell no.
"No."
"Bellamy, what does that mean?"
I don't know!
"I don't know."
"C-can I talk to her?"
Can she?
"I don't think so." I can tell her you say hi, can't I? Was this going to be his life, transporting messages back and forth across his consciousness for Clarke and Lexa? That might be a worse fate than being commander... or dying.
When he looked back at Clarke the spark was gone. She looked more like someone had kicked her in the gut.
"Guys, we have to go," Octavia called from the doorway. She must have come in while they were talking. How much did she hear?