Plot Bunniy #7: Doctors, Part 1
By stealacandy
Disclaimer: Patients violence in hospitals is no laughing matter. It's a very bad behaviour and should be stomped. Violence towards fiction authors isn't very nice either, and even though JKR mocked up the series, I implore you, don't go there. Don't do violence. Violence is the last resort of the incompetent, and you are anything but. You are accomplished, acclaimed fan-fiction writers. Still, I'm sure a lot of people right now wish writers, other then JKR, could have made money off Harry Potter, so his story would have attracted some better and more talented writers to it and they would have written a better ending to the series, while JKR was busy spending her money on stuff somewhere else. Alas, that was not to be. Which is why I write for free, not for a fee, I make no money, which sucks greatly, but can't be helped.
Damn.
A/N: I don't know where this came from, it just did. And I'm already planning a sequel with Dudley at the dentist. I'm thinking of writing one about Petunia, too, but nothing comes to mind. Anyone care to suggest any ideas? Leave them in a review! (Hint, wink, nod)
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Doctors, or Vernon Dursley's worst day.
Little Whinging, Surrey
The family doctor's office
"Well, Vernon," said the doctor, "If you're not willing to do a diet, at least try not to yell so much. It isn't doing you any good, you know."
Vernon's face turned a shade of purple.
"It's not me, it's my good for nothing nephew! He always mucks around destroying everything good -"
"Be that as it may," the doctor cut him in mid-rant, "you have to take yourself in your hands. If your nephew bothers you so much so that you can't control your temper around him, just stay away from your in-laws, then."
Vernon now resembled a plum.
"I- He- My sister-in-law and her husbands died and I got stranded with their delinquent son in my care.."
"Really?" asked the doctor. "That's sad." Then he frowned. "How come you never brought him in for me to check? I am your family's doctor, after all!"
"Err.. He goes to the same doctors that looked at him when his parents were still alive." Vernon came up with a quick lie.
"Right. Well, you are the adult here, and you need to control yourself. If you can't restrain your nephew, I doubt shouting at him will help. Try to give him some positive encouragement instead, perhaps? Hmmm… I wonder… Perhaps you are so loud for another reason. I think, maybe you've got a hearing problem?… I'll send you to an E.N.T."
No. 4, Privet Drive, Some time later:
"But Petunia," whined Uncle Vernon, "I can't take him with me, what would people think, seeing the delinquent in these horrible cloths of his?"
Harry though that was a riot - Uncle Vernon and Aunt Petunia gave him these cloths in the first place, and now they complain that they reflect badly on them? What did they think he felt like, actually having to wear them, and walk with them in public?
"Vernon, Dudleydumkins and I are going to a doctor too, Dr. Granger, the dentist, on the other side of town, and I won't leave the boy alone in the house to bring it down on our heads!"
"But if we're not here, the freak would bring the house on his own head!" said Dudley, and was actually intelligent for a second. Then the second passed.
"What about that old woman Figg?" asked Uncle Vernon?
"She got some weird disease from one of her cats." answered Aunt Petunia.
"Good, then send the boy along, he'll get it too!" said Uncle Vernon.
'It's good to know you care,' thought Harry to himself.
"But Vernon, he lives with us, we could get affected as well!" said Aunt Petunia.
'Good to know you care too,' thought Harry.
"Nonsense, Petunia, I'll just lock him in his room again."
'Yeah, lock me away, why not. Just great.' Harry didn't like it one bit.
"But what would those people think about it?" asked Aunt Petunia, thinking of the wizards and witches that warned them off at King's Cross railway station.
"Alright, alright, I'll take the boy with me." said Uncle Vernon. "You, boy! Get cleaned, I'm going to see the doctor and you're coming with me!"
'About time those damn Dursleys took me to see a doctor…' thought Harry sarcastically.
Greater Whinging, Surrey
Otorinolaringology Clinic
"Uncle Vernon," started Harry, slowly, as the two of them walked out of the doctor's office and into the waiting area. "I know some people, healers," he paused. "They could fix you with somethong real quick, you know."
Vernon's face once again took a colour of an aubergine.Which was complimentary to the shape it took.
"I will NOT be a like those FREAKS, putting, putting - this stuff - in my ears to help me hear better! You are all FREAKS! I will have nothing to do with you and your kind!"
In the sitting area, a few feet away, a small girl started to cry into her mother's bosom. A big man stood up.
"Who are you calling a freak, you bastard!" he called in anger.
"I- he-" started Vernon, but he was to late. With a great swing that would have made Dudley proud, the man beat Uncle Vernon in the face and sent him flying to the wall. He hit the wall and slid down to the floor, where he landed on his arm. A crunching sound was heard.
"Jerry!" said the woman with the girl in her arms, "you shouldn't have-"
"I shouldn't, shouldn't I?" the man, Jerry, said. "Look what he did to Jessica. What is he thinking, going into a hearing disability expert doctor's clinic and starting calling the hearing-disabled freaks! Bastard had it coming!"
"I wholly agree," said a woman nearby, getting up to her feet, "but I think the mad needs medical attention." She called the doctor to take a look at him. "I'd better call for an ambulance," she said.
Royal Surrey Country Hospital, Surry Country
Uncle Vernon lost a tooth, in a less painful way then Dudley did around the same time, and only had some minor bruises on his jaw to show for it. His arm, on the other hand, was broken, and put in a cast.
"You know, Uncle Vernon," Harry suggested, "I can still get you to the healers, they'll fix your arm in no time. Why, my school nurse once regrew all the bones in my arm in one night, from scratch!"
"I will not have any CRACKPOTS looking at my arm trying to heal me!" Shouted Uncle Vernon. "I will not have any freaks anywhere near me!"
Vernon then decided trying to take a swig at his nephew with his cast arm. An orderly stopped him and held him at bay.
"You can't do that to your arm, mister. And you can't hit children! Or anyone else!" the orderly said.
But Vernon wasn't having any of it. He always had temper problems, control problems, and Harry problems, and he was in no mood to be interrupted. So he took a swig at the orderly. Struggling to keep the violent Vernon at bay, the orderly called a nurse who summoned Security. Vernon waived his arm wildly, poised to strike, and somehow managed to pull an I.V. pole and drop it on his head. That gave him pause and he slipped a little, pulling the pole with him, hitting himself in the face, falling down and hitting his sensitive jaw on the ground.
Security arrived and they restrained Vernon, and were discussing with the doctors an assault lawsuit while waiting for the police to arrive. The medical staff took care of Uncle Vernon and soon he had his jaw in a cast as well. A social worker questioned Harry about his home life with his uncle, but he tried to keep his answers short, preferably either a "yes" or a "no", and not provide her with much ammunition to annoy his relatives with and make his life even more miserable, but she didn't seemed convinced much.
When the social worker was done with him and left to discuss some thing or another with the security personnel, Harry approached his uncle with caution.
"You know, Uncle Vernon, you really should consider this! Let me call some friends, and you'll be up and about in no time! They'll even erase the memories from all those muggles! In fact, they'll even erase the memories of all this from you! That would be a good idea, I think. Won't you prefer not to remember all your embarrassing and admonish able behaviour today?"
Vernon's face was the dictionary definition of puce now. He tried to shout, to cry murder at his freak of a nephew, but his jaw was set in plaster. Didn't help his blood pressure, though. Next thing he new, a blood vessel erupted, and Vernon Dursley was violently shaking with in his restrains. Harry didn't pay him much heed, at first. He has seen him struggle against his restraints before. But eventually he figured something was wrong with his uncle, and summoned the doctors.
Vernon Dursley suffered from a heart attack. His nephew, Harry, saved his life, getting medical attention just in time to help him.
For some reason, Vernon didn't see it like that. He wasn't grateful. No, he wasn't grateful at all.
The End!
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Here's a treat for you:
I didn't know the English name for an eggplant, so I searched my house for a dictionary, and came up empty. So I Googled it, and came up with an eggplant…Then missapprehension1 read this story and wrote back to inform me British people call it aubergine, so I corrected it in the story. Thanks, missapprehension1!
Then I decided to see if there are other words for "Purple". I checked Roget's New Millennium™ Thesaurus. Which is a great tool, even if I prefer my old paper-copy of a thesaurus. (trouble is, I can't find it…)
Anyway, "Purple", which is a noun, is defined as blue and red, and as such can be called "bluish red". Now that is a great leap of imagination, isn't it? The only thing that tops it, is "reddish blue"! Who came up with that? We should give him a medal! Anyway, there are some better words on the list.
Amethyst (some kind of a precious gem, isn't it?), heliotrope (No idea what that is. Sounds like some creature our of "Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them"…), lavender (Hurray to Lavender! She is such a babe, and after the way Ron treated her in HBP, she now has the airs of a victim. Don't you just want to go over and comfort her? Even if she's purple? BTW, purple is also slang for : erotic, sexy, breathtaking, arousing, amorous, sensual and sensational, sensuous, sultry and even suggestive…), lilac (I have a friend called Lilac and she strongly objects to being associated with one Vernon Dursley.), magenta (My laser colour printer has 3 colour tuners, one of which is dubbed "magenta" and has nothing to do with purple - unless you mix in the blue. Magenta is practically red!), mauve (Isn't that the one from "Sweet baby Mauve"? and some fairy tales about… fairies? I'm not sure, I don't really know what or who baby Mauve is, so feel free to enlighten me - in a nice review, of course.), mulberry (That's a friend of Tom Bombadilo, from the Lord of the Rings, isn't it?), orchid (Nice word. Sounds like orchard, urchin, urging, but I don't think I ever heard it in a sentence.) , perse (It appears one Weasley at least took after Vernon Dursley), plum (I read a Japanese haiku about geishas and plums. But I try to keep the rating here as teens, so I'll skip.), pomegranate (whoever wrote the thesaurus probably never saw a pomegranate if he thinks it's synonymous with purple and plum. I had several pomegranate trees near my dorms at school and I can tell you, it is a pinkish red, nowhere near purple.), violaceous (is that a word? My spell check doesn't even recognize it), violet (the mark of Napoleon. I wonder if he chose it because purple was the colour of Roman emperors? (until the church forbidden anyone from making it, hoping to tax it, as it was a very profitable industry, only the Phoenicians refused to give up their secrets to the Roman catholic church, and just stopped making purple. Thus, a great secret was lost and a great mystery born. I read an article about some 17th century English scientist at king Charles I's court that tried to rediscover it, but unfortunately for him, the king was beheaded and his founds were cut.) Or was he just a softie at heart?) and finaly, wine (the kind I like).
But that's not all. Turns out purple is also synonymous with: Livid (which explains Uncle Vernon), broad and vulgar (goes a long way to explain Dursley as well. Also read: coarse, indecent, indelicate, low-minded and unrefined ), flamboyant (I always thought the Malfoys must be somehow related to the Dursleys. Maybe the Dursleys are descended from disowned Malfoy squibs?) flowery (ornate), grandiloquent (pretentious) and grandiose (theatrical) (Which explains the accident of nature that is Petunia Dursley, the egotistical extravagant.),
Also, purple is slang for: Lurid (No other way to describe the Dursley family. Well, no, there are many ways to describe them, but lurid is one of those), off-colour (most of what they say), and pornographic (Dudley's pastime).
Amazing, how one word describes those people on so many levels, isn't it?
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Now, all that's left is to see what the thesaurus has to say about Gilderoy Lockhart - Mr. Pink. (An Omake I wrote. Think I'll post it here at the end of Steal a Candy 2.)
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A/N:
Well, that's it. Next is coming a sequel to "Steal a Candy: Ragnarok" which will be called "Steal a Candy 2: Yeah, Baby!". I finished writing most of it already, I'm just missing yet another one of these damn summoning rituals (I'm planning on further sequels, so I'll be whining about those for a while, it seems,) and some lemon to write. So I'm gonna watch Austin Powers 2 after I'm done posting this chapter. Then it is either "SHZG 2: Spinner's End" (about time), the next part of this one (Dudley's worst day) or, finally, a new chapter in Tommy's Harem that has been long in the making, only I'm too lazy to do that last bit of research I need for it.
So stay tuned, and enjoy, there is cake in the fridge.
stealacandy