CHAPTER SIX

Jules' expression has turned sad, and in that moment, realization washes over me. As much as Jules is the woman I want to spend the rest of my life with, I'm not the man she imagines doing the same with.

It makes me wonder whom she could be thinking of, if she already has someone in mind, or if she's still waiting for the right man to come along. Jealousy spreads through me, and I try picturing the lucky bastard who will wake up next to Jules each morning. What kind of man would he be? Would he be a cop, like her? Or some other law enforcement type?

I'm distracted from my thoughts, because at that moment Sam Braddock has burst into the restaurant and he's talking to Davis, telling him some tall tale about being a soldier. A sudden thought crosses my mind: Is this soldier Jules' type?

Jules tackles Davis for the gun, and in one horrible moment, I hear another shot and my blood runs cold. It isn't until I see Jules handing Davis over to Sam, letting the other Constable cuff him, that I tell myself it's all okay and that we're all okay.

I expect that Jules, having been relieved of the duty of subduing Davis, would turn her attention back to me. Instead, she's trading looks with Sam again, and my gut clenches. They've shared so many looks, yet I've never felt more left out than I have now.

They seem to be in their own world, the rest of us ceasing to exist for them. It's so painful to watch them, because I've come to realization that this man is who Jules wants to spend the rest of her life with, even if she doesn't know it yet. There is more than just simple admiration or mutual attraction.

In that moment, I know I must let her go. I cannot selfishly hold onto Jules, no matter how much I long to. Doing so will only hurt us both in the long run, and I cannot do that to Jules. Not when I care for her so much.

It hurts me, knowing that if only I had been there first, I might have stood the better chance. But it's not meant to be, is it?

I don't even hold a glimmer of hope when Jules tells me that she's going with me to the hospital. I'm touched by her offer of being there when I wake up, just so I won't be alone, but deep down, I know she will do the same for anyone she considers a friend.

And if I'm nothing else to her, I know that at least I'm her friend. That's all she's been treating me as since we met again, and that's all I will ever be to her. I will never be the man whom she kisses longing, and whose arms she melts into.

"Your team needs you," I tell her, but what I really want to say is "Sam needs you." I can see him from the corner of my eye, looking in at us, but holding himself away. I think he might feel the same way for Jules, but I'm not sure. I haven't paid much attention to him in the past.

"Are you sure?" I hear the warring emotions that she's battling; between wanting to stay with me fighting with her desire to be out there with her team. It's not an easy choice, and again I'm touched that she cares enough to bother, to want to stay with me.

Please stay, I silently beg her. Say you'll stay with me.

But I know there's no use for her staying back when she is a valuable member of her team and could contribute so much more.

"Yeah, I'll be alright," I lie. I will be anything but all right.

I squint against the harsh overhead lights, registering a faint beeping sound in the background. My vision is blurred, and for a moment, I wonder where I am. The familiar smell of disinfectant hits my nose then, and I remember.

I'm in the hospital.

It all comes flooding back to me now. Date with Jules, getting held hostage by a mad man, getting shot.

My vision clears, and I stir a little, aware of a figure sitting by my bedside. The figure notices my movement, and climbs up onto the bed. It's Jules.

"Hey." Her smile is blinding, and I find myself grinning weakly back at her.

"How're you feeling?" The concern is evident in her eyes, and from the way she's looking at me, I know she'll able to tell if I'm not truthful.

So I opt for honesty. "Better now." It's true; now that Jules is here, I find that the pain is subsiding and becoming more bearable.

Jules takes my right hand, holding it tightly in hers. It's the first time she's ever held my hand. I let myself enjoy the pressure, the feel of her tiny hands in mine. It's only for tonight, I tell myself.

"Can I just say something?" I rasp out, slightly horrified at how hoarse my voice sounds.

Jules nods. "Sure."

I take a deep breath, trying to find the right words. "Last few months, I've been doing a lot of thinking. It's about the big picture."

Jules has averted her eyes, so I can't see her expression. I have a pretty good inkling of what she's thinking though, but I steel myself.

"Yeah, I have too."

She has? I allow hope to flutter in my chest for a moment, before I bring myself back down to earth.

"There's family, future and stuff," I tell her.

Why am I saying this now? Why does it seem so important that I tell her all this now? Can't it wait, 'til after I'm discharged?

I clear my throat, trying to force the words out. "What I'm guessing is… your big picture's not the same."

Jules lets out a nervous laugh, and my heart shatters. It's not a sound I want to hear, although I can't say it was unexpected. After today's events, everything has become crystal clear to me. I want her to deny it, and say she chose me, that I'm the one she wants to spend the rest of her life with, but her flustered giggles are telling me otherwise.

She's crying, tears rolling down her cheeks. I desperately want to wipe them away and gather her in my arms, but I cannot. I must not. Because the moment Jules is in my arms, all my nerves will falter and I won't be able to finish what I started.

"You're in mine, but I don't think I'm in yours."

Deny it, please. Deny it.

"Hey… it's okay. It's all good." I hear my voice telling her, but it sounds so foreign to me. I can't believe I'm comforting the woman I'm breaking up with, not when I'm breaking up with her because I know she's not in love with me.

"There's no regrets," I tell her. As the words leave my mouth, I realize they are true. I will have no regrets having known Julianna Callaghan, no regrets over having her in my life. Even if she can't give me her love, her friendship is an equally precious gift.

I pause. "Well, almost no regrets."

I feel my grin threatening to break out, and Jules looks even more striken if that's even possible.

She brushes one hand across her face, wiping her tears away. "What do you mean?"

"Never got to finish our ice cream." We stare at each other for a moment, and then laughter overcomes us. It's a lighthearted moment two friends share, and I like this easygoing banter with Jules. It makes everything seem normal again.

Jules kisses my hand again, and this time I sense the friendship beneath it. There's no hidden meaning, no promise of hopeless love. Just friendship.

"Just want a favor," I tell her.

"Anything."

"Promise me," I hold her gaze, wanting this moment to be imprinted in my heart forever. "Keep singing."

And then Jules smiles, the most beautiful sight I've ever had the fortune to lay eyes on. A pang fills my heart, but I will it to go away, determined to hang onto the good things that have come my way instead of the dwelling on the things that could have been.

Almost no regrets.