Author's Note: This chapter details one of the most important points in my life. It marked the first occasion in a long time that I had managed to pull myself up off of the floor and fight for my happiness. I had meant to mention this in my previous chapters, but in this story (in order for it to reflect the real world) Kurt and Blaine are not a couple. I forgot to mention it last time… Anyway, I wanted to thank everyone for the continued support I have received for this story, because it really is overwhelming to see a response like this. So, welcome to the penultimate chapter…
It came out of nowhere. Rory had called him over, and then, just before Mr. Schue walked into the room, slapped him across the face. Fuck that killed. It was an impressive hit, but Sam was confused. Why had his friend slapped him? Not only his friend, but his best friend. What the fuck? He could feel the anger starting to rise inside of him, but he had to let it go for now as Schue arrived. Before returning to his seat though, Sam managed to catch the look of hurt in Rory's eyes. It made him less angry, but a hell of a lot more curious. Had he hurt Rory? Had he deserved the slap? He felt embarrassed as well. Most of the club had seen the incident, and those who had been busy in conversation at the time were quickly being filled in. Did Rory really need to do it here and now? He didn't have time to mull about it now though, as Schuester had invited Rory and Blaine up to the front. Apparently they had been working on something that they really wanted to perform for the club. Blaine was going to be on backing vocals, while Rory took the main microphone. Sam could feel Rory's eyes staring straight into him, and then the Irish boy spoke.
"So, recently, I've had a couple of issues, but I have to say, without some people, things could have been a lot worse". Confused looks flitted around the room. What could have happened? Did this have something to do with the slap? Rory continued. "I've been fucked around a lot lately, and this is what I want to say to all that". The boy closed his eyes as the music began to play.
I'd conjure up the thought of being gone,
But I'd probably even do that wrong,
I try to think about which way,
Would I be able to and would I be afraid?
Cause oh I'm bleeding out inside,
Oh I don't even mind (yeah).
Sam watched intently. From the way that Rory was glancing at him, he could clearly see who the song was directed at. There was a weird, uncomfortable feeling in his stomach, and he dreaded finding out just what he had done wrong, but he could see that whatever it had been, it was serious. Rory had never been this open about his anger, and this was almost surreal. Sam gulped as the song progressed.
It's all your fault,
You can't be beautiful,
You turned me out,
And now I can't turn back,
I hold my breath,
Because you were perfect,
But I'm running out of air,
And it's not fair.
The words bit into him like a knife. In a way, it hurt more than the slap. Knowing that he had caused his friend pain, it made him burn inside. The slightly edited lyrics made the song more violently angry than before. Rory was performing brilliantly, but the more successful he was becoming in getting his sentiments across, the more Sam wanted it all just to be over.
I'm trying to figure out what else to say, (what else could I say?)
To make you turn around and come back this way,
(Would you just come back this way)?
I feel like we could be really awesome together,
So make up your mind cause it's now or never. (oh)
At this point, Sam decided to stop moping, and to start figuring out what he had done. Wallowing in self-pity wasn't exactly going to help Rory right now, but finding out what he had done might. He cast his mind back. Had he not been properly open when Rory had told him he was gay? No that wasn't it, he was confident he had been perfectly supportive then. He had even briefly continued the sexual relationship that had occurred before Rory had come out to him. Fuck… the sex. Could that be it? Was he angry because of that? No, he seemed perfectly up for it at the time. You wouldn't act like that unless you were willing to do it. Unless you liked them… Or loved them.
It's all your fault,
You can't be beautiful,
You turned me out,
And now I can't turn back,
I hold my breath,
Because you were perfect,
But I'm running out of air,
And it's not fair.
Fuck, how could he not have seen it? Rory loved him. Rory, his best friend. And all he had done was use him for sex. Had he led him on? Shit – the other day. He had said he might want something more. How had that affected Rory? His self-harm. How had that affected his frame of mind. He was unstable at the moment. How could he have done that to his friend? To a friend he loved. Fuck, no he didn't love him. Or did he? No, he only loved him as a friend. That's why he had said that he didn't want to take anything further. Right? No that's right. He's not gay. He doesn't love Rory like that. That's what the problem was. No, that wasn't the problem – the problem was the way he had treated the boy.
I would never pull the trigger,
But I've cried wolf a thousand times,
I wish you could,
Feel as bad as I do,
I have lost my mind.
How would he feel if he loved someone, and they treated him like that? Well probably a lot like he does now – like a big pile of shit. Only he didn't love Rory. No, he didn't. Fuck… he did. He looked up at Rory again, and there was a painful feeling in his chest, like his heart was being ripped in two. He could see the anger in Rory's eyes, and he knew that despite how he felt, the couple could never get together. It was just one of those things that would never come to fruition. He had to continue like he had before, pretending that he didn't love the boy. It was better for both of them.
It's all your fault,
You can't be beautiful,
You turned me out,
And now I can't turn back,
I hold (I hold) my breath, (my breath)
Because you were perfect,
But I'm running out of air, (running out of air)
And it's not fair.
Rory stopped singing and looked around at his friends. They were all stunned. There wasn't anything wrong with the performance, but they hadn't expected something quite this antagonistic. Blaine clapped, and suddenly everybody joined in. It had been a great song. Sam sat there quietly. His heart burned, but he knew he would get over it. He had to right?
That evening, Rory pulled the razor across his arm. Sure, Sam deserved that slap, but he shouldn't have done it. He needed to be punished. He needed to feel the burn of his own pain again. He watched as the blood trickled out. He felt the impulse to pull the razor along his wrists. If he did, there would be no more pain. It would all be over. But then, all that Blaine had done for him would be in vain, and, in addition, there wouldn't be the necessary twelve members in glee club for the Regionals competition in two days. For now, he needed to be alive. For now, he needed to survive. He pushed the razor away from him, the urge to kill himself having subsided for now. He knew it would come back, but he knew he couldn't act on it at the moment. He closed his eyes for the night. Tomorrow was going to be a big day for him. He had spent all night talking about it with Blaine, and now he was nervous. He knew that nobody in the glee club would have any issues with his sexuality, but there was still a dark feeling that surrounded coming out to his peers. Blaine had been amazing over the last couple of days, and the two had become good friends. They had texted pretty much non-stop, mainly thanks to the constant support that Blaine was providing for Rory. It was nice to know that he always had someone to fall back on. It made him feel safer. But he didn't want to become a drain on the boy either – he knew that Blaine probably had his own issues as well, but he couldn't bring himself to stop talking to the boy. He felt like he could tell him everything, and nothing had been quite so well received as when he had announced that he wanted to come out to the glee club. Blaine had replied with a phone call instead of the usual text, and the pair had discussed possibilities for Rory all through the evening. They had started off with the idea of a song, but soon ditched that as two cliché. Rory could feel Blaine's happiness radiating through the phone, and it slightly warmed his dead heart. Every now and again, his eyes would flit over to the razor, and quickly, without letting Blaine know, he would graze his arm, just to watch the blood come out while Blaine was busy chatting away. The boy had started escorting Rory to and from college, even missing his earlier train to do so, and although the Irish boy could understand the other's actions, he was starting to feel a little suffocated. It wasn't like he was constantly suicidal. Well, that was a lie, but it wasn't like he always felt like acting on it. He still cried himself to sleep at night about his life, but now that he was a little angry at Sam, those emotions were starting to divert his attention from the much more dangerous ones that would creep into his head in the moments he had by himself when the silence returned.
So yeah, this is based around the emotions that my friend claims to have felt during the time. (Well the first half is - as usual the Rory section is based around my thoughts and actions). I hope that you liked this chapter.