We Interrupt This Broadcast For A Special Announcement:
HOLD EVERYTHING! Anilucard called me with questions about her Ichigo. T.M.M.M.I will now answer her questions in long, detailed answers.
Q: What if my ICHIGO becomes obsessed over my Vampire Kitty Masaya doll?
A: Well, if the doll is one of your prized possessions, you should take it away from her and tell her you burned it in a fire. She should mourn for three days, turn into a cat for one hour, then will be fine and obsess about something else. But you must NEVER let her see them again! She'll go right back to being obsessed! Or, if you don't like the doll very much, you could burn it…. Or if worse comes to worse, you could get her a memory wipe! You'd have to take it to a special kind of All-Powerful-Authoress shop that's only allowed in China, so in the long run you'd have to call on another All-Powerful-Authoress to get you to China, unless you are one, then you can get there yourself. These special Authoresses are a little inexpensive and you must call for an appointment before hand. 1-800-LOSE-THAT-MEMORY.
Q: What do I do? My ICHIGO has developed feelings for my KEIICHIRO, even though I've been trying so hard for a ICHIGO-RYOU pairing. I tried the recommended method for ICHIGO-RYOU, but ICHIGO keeps punching RYOU and saying "Stop! I'm in love with MINI-MEW!" And whenever she sees KEIICHIRO she pounces on him. What do I do? I even tried my Almighty Authoress Powers, but they won't work!
A: Here's what you do: ((cracks knuckles)) Stand in front of a closet, then scream. Your ICHIGO should come to see what's wrong. Say you saw a butterfly in there and you're deathly scared of them. She'll get a big head and go in there ready to get rid of the big mean nasty butterfly. SHUT THE DOOR ON HER! Stand in front of the closet for half an hour or until she stops struggling and sits down. Then yell, "AHH! FIRE!" RYOU will come running to you and ask what's wrong. Say, "ICHIGO is in the closet and is on FIRE!" RYOU should open the door. SHOVE HIM IN THERE! Now, since RYOU is stronger than ICHIGO, place a chair under the knob so they can't get out. Then go into your attic, cut a small hold over the closet, and crop some food in there. Tell them they can't come out until they love each other. (CAUTION! THIS MIGHT TAKE FROM ONE WEEK TO FOUR MONTHS! PLEASE DON'T FORGET THAT YOU UNITS ARE STILL IN THE CLOSET AND FORGET TO FEED THEM!) If that doesn't work, then buy the Love Potion from a local PURIN! Those always work!
Q: Why are my ICHIGO's eyes silver?
A: Did she get contacts? Either that or no sleep. Now, this is my favorite one. If your ICHIGO gets sick, call 1-800-HATORI-SOHMA and he'll come and diagnose her! YAY! HATORI-SAN! He can diagnose them, but he can't treat them. You have to go to an All-Powerful-Authoress to get her un-sick. If nothing happens and they're still silver, either change her favorite color to silver or get her contacts.
Phew! Glad that's out of the way! I can't let a person with questions like that go! And I think I just set myself up for a bunch of questions…. Oh well! I'll update soon!