Warhammer 40K
Soloman the Blood God
By typicalteenager.
Disclaimer: I do not, and never will, own 40K, the characters etc.
Important: 1) This is only my second ever fanfic, so it may not be that good.
2) Thoughts are in Italic.
3) Book entries, letters etc. are in Bold Italic.
Well, here we go!
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Chapter 7: One God and his Juggernaut
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As the strange clanging animal drew ever closer, Soloman began to feel a mixture of both fear and relief. The fear was of the animal, the relief was from the fact that he could still feel fear, showing that his becoming the Blood God hadn't altered him mentally.
The orange-hued turned to a near-yellow colour, and at last Soloman could see what it was. The animal charging towards him was.......... well an animal. But unlike any animal back home. This beast seemed to be made entirely of metal, and was built like a massive hound, with large forelegs and strong hind legs, its shoulders towering above its centred head. Its feet however ended not in paws but in hooves, and its head, whilst dog-like, had a massive curved horn rising up from above its nostrils.
Again, basic training, class 259, lesson 12- Know Thy Enemy- told him what he was looking at. This great metallic beast was a daemonic steed gifted to mighty blood-letters of Khorne. They were called Blood-crushers, whilst older, more ornate and more powerful versions of these steeds were called Juggernauts, gifted to the heralds of the Blood God.
Judging by its appearance, the beast charging at him was a Juggernaut, but it was different to the images he had seen back in training. Those Juggernauts had been dark red with lighter-red dabs and gold bordering, with the symbol of Khorne set in bronze on both hind legs, and had seemed to be about the same size as a horse. This one was completely black, with bordering made from what looked like bleached bones, had the symbol on it head just behind the horn rather than on its hind legs, and was more like the size of a Baneblade tank. Etched into both shoulders were the words © Skull Throne Industries (S.K.I).
(Typicalteenager: The more world-aware of you will note that the initials of this company spell out the name of a brand of yoghurt. This yoghurt was in fact also invented by the followers of Khorne as part of a plan to brainwash people into worship for the Blood God. However, the chemicals designed to do the brain-washing simply turned out to be a good health source for humans, leading to massive sales, but little brain-washing).
So busy was Soloman noting all this detail that too late did he realised how close the Juggernaut was getting and how quickly. He dropped the guide book and fumbled at his belt for the axe, but as his fingers closed around the hilt, the Juggernaut reached him and caught him under a front hoof, pinning him to the floor, yet somehow not breaking any bones despite the fact that it must weigh tonnes. Soloman closed his eyes as the beast tilted its head down at him, expecting to have his head chewed off at any moment, and led him to wonder if I'm the Blood God now, does that make me invincible?. Then he felt himself be spattered by something both hot and wet. Was this monster pouring boiling oil to cook him? No, it couldn't be, since it felt like he was covered in slime.
Hot slime?
Wiping said slime off his face, Soloman opened his eyes.
The beast that had him pinned down............. was licking him.
Raising an arm to stop it licking his face again, Soloman wheezed out from his crushed chest "Get off!" And amazingly, the beast stopped licking him, got off him, and sat dog-like on the ground in front of him.
Picking himself off the floor, Soloman stared at the Juggernaut, whilst wiping off the rest of the slime. Then, as he put the book and axe back on his belt, he noticed for the first time that around the beast's neck was a spiked collar made of bronze, hanging from which was a circle of bronze, onto which had been roughly etched were the words:
Tiddles
This Juggernaut is the pet of the Blood God.
He is particularly fond of human and daemon organs.
So should you wish to feed him, be my guest: it's your suicide, plus one more skull for my throne.
Soloman read the inscription 3 times, each time with more and more disbelief. Tiddles?!? Who names a Juggernaut Tiddles?!? Then he remembered that he was the Blood God, making this thing his pet. First made a God, now a pet Juggernaut. Well I'll get full marks for originality.
It was then that he noticed that the Juggernaut had stooped down, as a horse does to let its rider mount. Did it want him to ride it somewhere? Cautiously, Soloman treaded over, reached up and pulled himself onto its shoulder, then slid sideways along so that he sat with his legs around its neck and his hands able to hold its collar. But as the new Blood God did so, he had felt something smooth and soft under his left hand, evidently tucked into the beast's collar. He caught hold of it, pulled his hand up, and found himself holding an envelope, which smelt like it had been sprayed heavily with perfume, and disturbingly had been made from human flesh. For some reason, despite his initial feeling of throwing up, the smell seemed to be compelling him to open it, and as he had no reason not to he did so, and unfolded a purple letter, also perfume-heavy, but made of some sort of silk. Written on the letter, in what appeared to be human blood, was the following:
To the reader of this letter (I know it'll reach the right person, since Tiddles only lets his master and myself ride him),
If my little observer is telling the truth, then there is a new Blood God for the first time in 38 millennia: you. Well I'm always happy to make new friends (particularly if they're handsome young men) and you'll no doubt need a run-down of what to expect of your new life and title. So why don't you come and join me for a spot of dinner: it'll be a feast of desire you'll never forget, I promise.
If you're interested (and you've no reason not to be), then get Tiddles to bring you to the Palace of Decadence in my city: he'll know the way. I'll be at home all day awaiting your arrival.
Hope to see you (and liking what I'll see) soon,
The beautiful Lady Slaanesh.
And at the bottom of the letter was a kiss where 'Lady Slaanesh' had pressed lip-sticked lips to her correspondence.
Yet again Soloman was left to wonder whether he'd simply gone insane. Because according to his brain, he had become the Blood God, owned a Juggernaut named Tiddles, had just been offered a dinner date with the God/Goddess of desire, pain and pleasure, and had said God/Goddess flirting with him. Today just wasn't his day.
Come to think of it, was it a day? He had gone to sleep in his tent when all this began, his watch had disappeared with the rest of his stuff, and he wouldn't be surprised if this place constantly had the sky like this. He'd have to get his staff to put clocks up in his new home. But then he didn't have a staff because they'd all been released when Khorne had been banished, so he'd need to hire some staff. But then he didn't know about this place, so how did he do that? Damn it, being the Blood God was hard and giving him a headache.
"Well," he muttered to no-one in particular, "Mortraz did say I have to organise introductions myself, and I've got nothing better to do." Taking a deep breath, he sighed, then leant forward and said "Um, Tiddles?"
Tiddles tilted his head to show that he had heard.
"Um, could you take me to...." he checked the letter, "....the Palace of Decadence, if you'd be so ki-aaarrrrrggghhhhh!!!!!
The 'ki-aaarrrrrggghhhhh!!!!!' was the word 'kind' suddenly turned to 'argh!' halfway through being said, because Tiddles, apparently having understood what he'd been told, had turned around and charged off down the path he'd come along, thundering along at the same unnaturally fast speed. Soloman, caught unawares, was tossed backwards along Tiddles and nearly got chucked off, only just grabbing the Juggernaut's short tail, which left him hanging on for dear life while his body dangled above the quickly passing floor, all the time being blasted by a light brown wind where the combo of Tiddles' speed and the dirt kicked up by his hooves threw a storm of dust into the dangling man.
It took ages for Soloman to claw his way back up Tiddles as the Juggernaut charged down a winding path. Soloman couldn't see this winding path, but knew it because every time Tiddles reached a curve he turned so sharply that his poor passenger came dangerously close to sliding off again. After a long time, Soloman had just pulled himself onto Tiddles' back when something caught his eye as they whizzed past it. Turning his head to look back, he just managed to glimpse what looked like a cave with a large billboard on top saying 'Terror Run' before it became too far away to see.
"Hey Tiddles," he cried, "That's the way to get to the Islands: you've charged past it." But Tiddles just kept on running. Soloman yelled until he was hoarse, but got no response. With a groan, he went back to pulling himself along the daemonic steed's back.
After some time, he managed to drag himself back onto Tiddles' neck, where his legs could wrap around it and his hands could grasp the collar. He pulled himself upright, intending to yell at Tiddles to stop again.
Only his words died away at the sight that greeted him.
They were running along another cliff-edge, this time only a narrow path, the space either side of Tiddles, who only just fitted on, falling sharply away to the yellow fog far below. Up ahead the path narrowed further until it ended as a large pointed edge set against the orange-hued sky.
What had made Soloman's protests die away was the sudden flood of horror hitting him with the realisation that Tiddles was still charging along with the intention of going over the edge.
Most people would have screamed with trouser-staining terror and/or screeched at Tiddles to stop, but the beast was going so fast that Soloman never had the chance. He barely had time to close his eyes as he felt the Juggernaut launch itself off the cliff. His body was drowned in a combination of adrenaline and fear as, though his eyes were tightly closed, he felt the wind blasting his face, felt Tiddles tilt forwards as he reached the peak of his jump, then felt his organs rise up towards his head as the two of them plummeted down, down, down.......................
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Typicalteenager: So Chapter 7 also ends with a cliff-hanger (or rather a cliff-dropper). Of course you know Soloman won't die now because that would be a crap ending to this tale, but you can still wonder what'll happen: well until the next chapter is posted anyway.
I would also like to thank and acknowledge my brother's involvement in the comedic side of things: he has helped provide a good number of the jokes, and let me know which of mine are decent enough to put in this story.