SEVEN
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Sam cut the call on his phone, pocketing the mobile and looking at the Doctor. "Right. They're heading for a hill. What do we do?"
"We use your laptop to track anyone who might be passing by this system and wave a little chronoton radiation flag," he replied easily.
"How the hell do we do that?"
"I'll show you," the Doctor beamed, putting his hand out for the screwdriver.
.
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The Impala swerved as Dean's boot crushed the accelerator.
"We've still got time - it'll take him a few minutes to punch his way out of the metal," Jack urged.
"I'm not letting it make holes in my car!" Dean shot back. "We get to the hill and pop the trunk!"
"And run the risk of him getting away? What if he's not on top of the hill when the only people who can take him away from here show up? What then?"
"It's not digging its way outta my car!" Dean raged. "I look after her - rebuilt her, kept her going - and she's kept us going all these years! So bite me, War Ace, we ain't letting it rip any goddamn holes in her, or I swear you'll be next!"
Jack fumed but stuck his head back out of the window. "There!" he shouted. "Take the off ramp - we need to be up there!"
Dean ducked slightly to look further afield than the road ahead. He checked his mirrors and yanked the wheel, sending the classic close enough to the gravel by the road to send chips up into the encroaching scrub.
She roared up the incline, Dean stamping on the accelerator. He sent her round the bend with nothing but hope and Pirelli to keep them on the tarmac. Jack pulled his head back into the car as it shimmied and slid slightly. A knock and a metallic clang rang out. Dean glanced up into the rear view mirror to see the boot of the car flying open.
"Son of a bitch!" he railed, keeping the car in a straight line as it tore up the hill.
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The Doctor straightened up from the laptop, nodding happily. "That should do it. Once he's in range, there are actually two ships that could quite easily find themselves tethered to him."
"Two?" Sam prompted. "You mean two… spaceships?" he asked, as if the word were stuck under a great deal of disbelief and was having a hard time battling its way out of a mouth that no more wanted to let it out than it did a big ol' gob of spit.
"What else?" the Doctor smiled genially. "There are always two or three ships around your solar system. You just can't pick them up with your equipment."
"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that," Sam said flatly.
"Whatever helps you sleep," the Doctor sighed. "Better check on your brother and Jack."
"Yeah," Sam said quickly, lifting his phone and pressing the redial button.
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The phone blared again. Jack was too busy gripping the side of the roof through his open window, Dean's knuckles striped red and white on the steering wheel. He fought to keep the Impala steady as she leapt up the hill with all of her available horsepower. The phone went unanswered.
The back of the car swayed and a loud cry of anger made Jack whip his head over the seat to look back. "Uhm, Dean?" he managed. "Brake."
"What the-!"
"Brake!" Jack shouted.
Dean slammed his boot on the requisite pedal and the car skidded in protest, wobbling from side to side. There was a dull thud and a roar.
"Now drive!" Jack yelled.
Dean's weight hammered on the accelerator. The car again sprang forwards. "What the hell, man!" Dean called, his eyes glued to the hill and the top just meters away.
"You stunned it! It's not trying to crawl out of the trunk any more!" Jack explained.
"Great!" He pulled slightly on the wheel, his foot going back to the brake in a more civilised fashion, as Jack realised the hill seemed to have evened out.
He looked back to the front windscreen. "We're here?"
"We're here," Dean confirmed, affecting the parking brake and ripping the keys from the ignition. He flew out of the driver's door as Jack scrambled out of the other side. He heard a snarl and a thump and raced around the car.
"What are you doing?" he spluttered, completely, suddenly, and in every other way, knocked for six.
Dean drew back the shotgun and walloped the woozy creature around the head one more time for good measure. "Well we can't have it getting lost, can we?" he accused. "And it ain't scratching up my car!"
Jack shook his head, unable to put anything into words, as Dean used the end of the shotgun to heave the confused monster back into the boot of the car. He slammed the lid down, tossed the gun on top, and then put his hands to it, throwing himself up and sitting on the lid with an air of satisfaction.
Jack stared at him, and finally Dean turned his head to look. "What?"
"Nothing," Jack grinned, shaking his head. He looked up and round the side of the car as they heard Dean's phone going again. He hurried round and reached in through the window, snatching it up and then bringing it back, throwing it to the Winchester on the boot lid.
Dean opened it up. "Yeah'ello?"
"Dean - it's me," Sam gabbled.
"No, really?" Dean said sarcastically. He could imagine his brother's eye-roll from there. "Don't sweat it - we got it."
"Where is it?" Sam demanded.
"Under my ass," Dean admitted. He blinked and caught the amusement on Jack's face. "It's trapped in the trunk," he added more clearly.
"Great," Sam rattled off. "The Doctor and I may have found a way to get rid of him. Just - er - sit tight," he managed.
"Will do." Dean snapped the phone shut and looked at Jack.
"You two are pretty good at this," he nodded.
"We try."
"No, I mean… adapting to all this crazy shit, just getting on with it." He paused. "Lots of people freak out."
"We do too. Just in different ways," Dean allowed, looking back down at the phone in his hand.
Jack appraised him, suddenly finding him a lot older on the inside than he had suspected. "Yeah," he allowed, putting his hands on his hips and turning in a circle to look around the hill. "So… did Sam say what we're supposed to be doing, here?"
"He said to wait."
"Right." Jack looked back at the boot lid. "Know any good jokes?"
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"Bingo!" the Doctor cried, making Sam jump. "Got one!"
"A ship?" Sam dared.
"A ship!" the Doctor crowed victoriously. "All we have to do…" He bent closer to the crazy patterns on the laptop screen, bringing the screwdriver to bear. "There. They'll find our devil friend in a few minutes, and then this will all be over."
"Please," Sam said quickly, "don't say it'll be 'easy'."
The Doctor smiled. "You know what?" he said cheerfully. "I like you. A bit pessimistic, but there's still that little spark of hope, isn't there?"
Sam nodded uneasily. "Sometimes."
The Doctor grinned.
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"So the first hooker turns to the second and says 'he never mentioned Twinkies'," Dean said with a devilish grin.
Jack almost exploded with laughter, looking up at the stars and letting it all out. Dean chuckled to himself as he shook his head.
"Ok, I got one," Jack said. "There's this penguin, right? And he's on holiday in Arizona in this rental car. The car breaks down, so he leaves it at a garage and goes next door for an ice-cream. He can't pick up the spoon, right, so he uses his flippers, and he gets ice-cream all round his beak. He goes back to the garage to pick up the car, and the man says to him-"
There was a thump and a moan. Dean looked down at the boot lid next to him. "Uh-oh," he managed. Another thump, another moan - this time more of a growl.
"Is he waking up?"
"Sounds like it." He shuffled off the lid quickly, landing on his feet. He picked up the shotgun from the boot. "What do we do now?"
Jack gasped and looked up quickly. He swallowed. "Woah," he managed. "That is a really big ship."
Dean went to look up but the boot lid jumped. He took a step back. "What ship?" he demanded, his shotgun ready to beat at anything that popped out of the back of the car.
"Look up," Jack grinned, even as he studied the beautiful pattern of dark blues and purples on the underside of the mammoth vessel hanging in the sky above them on an otherwise quiet night.
"You look up - this thing's about to-" Dean sprang back, grabbing Jack's arm and yanking him clear, as the boot lid shot open.
The nintriannen bilapted trelanian devil heaved itself up, its triangular head coming out of the space full of weapons. It pushed its nose over the top as it clawed itself to a sitting position. It appeared to be getting its bearings.
"Right - move," Jack said.
He shoved at Dean's arm and the Winchester was propelled a few feet away. His right boot stumbled on the dry, grassy earth and he had to cycle it round to stop himself toppling backwards. He looked over his shoulder to find a forty-five degree incline just waiting for him to toboggan down it arse-first, intended or otherwise.
"Woah," he managed. He looked at Jack, opening his mouth in a warning, but the other man was torn between looking up and checking the status of the pink monster. Dean began to look up. The devil hoiked itself up and put a large foot out of the boot and his eyes snapped back to it. He rushed forwards, his shotgun up ready to belt the thing around the head again.
Jack grabbed his arm and hauled him to a stop. "Wait," he hissed.
"You wait! One more minute and he'll be biting our heads off!"
"No, he won't," Jack urged. "Just wait - any… second… now…"
The devil looked up and drew in a deep breath, letting out a howl of anguish.
"Now, people," Jack urged. "Now!"
"What 'now'?" Dean asked, again craning his neck to look up. But the devil suddenly leapt out of the car and bayed at them both in anger.
Jack pulled on Dean's sleeve and began to creep backwards. Dean shook his arm free, raising the shotgun.
"No!" Jack called, looking up.
Dean was surprised to see everything starting to turn blue. And sparkly. And… weird. He looked from the sight of the pink monster appearing for all the world to be very confused, and then his eyes went to his own free hand, watching the blue lights and tiny green diamond-shaped patterns play over his skin.
"Woah," he managed. "Now that's trippy."
Jack grabbed him by the shoulder and pulled. Dean stumbled backwards. He had time to realise the night was not blue after all. Neither was the ground solid beneath his feet. His arms flailed, his hand snatched at Jack's coat for purchase, but he just knew he was fighting a losing battle against gravity.
The two men went over backwards. Had the ground been flat, that would have been the end of it. But no.
They tumbled head over heels, boots over coats, shotguns over elbows, picking up speed on their tremendous jaunt down the hillside. Grass was spilled in all directions, grunts and indecipherable words emanated from Jack Harkness.
Dean was more focused in his anger. "Son - oof - of - a - oof - bitch!" was all that could be heard as he careened down the grassy gradient. They came to a stop at the bottom, finding themselves twenty feet apart and tangled in all kinds of green and brown matter.
Jack squirmed round and looked up quickly, spotting the huge spaceship turning slightly as it hung over the hill. He grinned, simply staring at the amazing sight, as it spun in place. It began to raise, faster and faster, until the clouds drew together and it was lost to the upper atmosphere of planet Earth. Jack took a deep breath, leaning back into the dry grass and just watching the dark sky. He looked over at Dean. "You ok?"
"I think," Dean managed, struggling to put his hands under him and roll onto his back, "I'm lucky I didn't break anything."
Jack coughed out a laugh. "Well, our friend's hitched a ride. He's winging his way to the next galaxy."
"Winging a what to a who?" Dean groaned, pressing a hand to his chest as he squirmed.
"He's gone. We're done here," Jack nodded, pushing himself to sit up. He looked all the way back up the hill. Then he twisted, looking back at the road, barely fifty feet from his position. "Oh. Look where we are."
Dean heaved himself onto his side, craning his neck back to look across. "I've said it before and I'll say it again," he panted. "Son of a bitch."
Jack chuckled. "Yeah." He climbed to his feet laboriously. "So. Fancy a walk across two blocks, back to the creepy house where it all started? Or are we hiking up the hill to get your car back first?"
Dean let his head fall to the grass. "House," he grumped. "I ain't walking up any hills tonight." Just then the heavens opened, and they felt cold water pattering down. A huge glob went into Dean's eye. "Perfect."
"Let's get out of here," Jack said with a rueful smile. He put his hand out.
Dean, shuffling to sit up, just looked at it for a long moment. Then he put his hand out and they grasped wrists, hauling the Winchester to his feet. He nodded his thanks, turning to find the shotgun just a few feet away from his boots.
"This way," Jack said, clapping him on the back in a way that made him cough, before he turned and walked off.
Dean pulled out his phone. "Sam?" he asked when the line had clicked. "We're not far from the creepy Scooby Doo house, it's raining and my car's up the hill, so get your ass back to the beginning. We're done."
.
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Jack came down the stairs first, Dean trudging along behind, and they found themselves back on the landing. Sam and Doctor were already there, so apparently engrossed in their conversation that they didn't hear the others arrive.
"But that's not right," Sam was saying, his voice pitched high in a way he reserved for last-ditch puppy eyes efforts.
"It is," the Doctor said calmly. "I've tried it every other way, and believe me, in the end, sometimes you just have to let things go their own way and just stand by with towels. Sometimes interfering is the opposite of helping."
"But-"
"Sam," the Time Lord said affectionately, putting a hand out and patting his shoulder. "I know. But it's the way things are. And maybe changing that is interfering. Eh?"
"You two done arguing about existential whatevers?" Dean said gruffly, and the two of them turned to look at him.
"I think so," the Doctor said brightly. Then his smile faded. "Blimey, you look a bit worse for wear." He looked the eldest Winchester up and down, taking in rain on his jacket, the grass stains, the smears of mud, the dishevelled hair and weary eyes. He looked at Jack. "You look like you stood and watched."
"Some habits you just can't break," Jack joked, and the Doctor tutted rather disapprovingly. "But at least I didn't die this time," he added with a wide grin.
"This time?" Sam prompted.
Jack waved a hand at him, but Sam's hands went to his hips in condemnation of the man's silence.
"Really, Sammy," Dean said with a polite smile, "leave it. Everyone here's probably died at least once, huh?"
Jack risked a look at the Doctor before they cleared their throats and looked at their feet.
Sam took a step back. A lame smile on his face attempted to cover the discomfort. It was not doing a good job. "Heh," he managed.
"Yeah," Dean said meaningfully.
"Yeah," Jack agreed hastily.
"Yep," the Doctor nodded, popping the 'p'.
There was an entire minute of awkward foot-shuffling and intense stares that went anywhere but anyone else's eyes.
"Ok then!" Dean said cheerfully, abruptly enough to startle everyone else. "What next?"
"Did you see the ship off?" the Doctor asked the two of them.
"Ship? What ship?" Dean protested.
"Yeah. Looked like a… maybe a Slorathian scouting vessel. Not sure though," Jack nodded.
"Haven't seen one of those in… ooh, not since the twenty-third century," the Doctor mused, making the Winchesters exchange a wary glance across the room.
"There wasn't any ship," Dean said firmly. "I certainly didn't see one."
"That's because you were doing your Scully-misses-the-big-reveal thing," Jack said. "It's ok. A tumble like that would shake anyone."
"Hey," Dean began angrily, but Sam waved a hand at him.
"It's gone, right? The pink creature?" he pressed.
"Seems that way," Dean allowed.
"Then I don't care how or why. I'm just glad it's gone," Sam said meaningfully.
"Yeah," Dean allowed.
"Well them, time we were off," the Doctor said. "I think we could try Atlanta. They should have the parts we need."
"I'm all for Atlanta," Jack grinned. "These two will have to hike up that lonely hill for their car, though - and in the rain."
The Doctor thrust his hands deep into his brown trouser pockets, swishing from side to side gently as his large eyes took in the two brothers. "I could give you a lift back to your car, if you want?" he offered, with just the tiniest bit of hope.
Sam and Dean exchanged a glance, conveying exactly how much naked curiosity Sam was harbouring, and how much thought Dean was giving to throwing everything to Hell and simply agreeing.
"Just one lift, one trip," the Doctor shrugged.
"Just one?" Jack asked knowingly.
"What do you think - are they TARDIS material?" the Doctor teased his friend with a daffy grin.
"Oh, Doctor," he grinned, then looked at the two men. "He," he said firmly, pointing at Sam, "is definitely TARDIS material." He moved his finger to point at Dean, who looked back at him with slight indignation. "But he is definitely Torchwood material."
"Problem there," the Doctor mused. "I get the feeling these two come as a pair or not at all."
"Oh man, I would love to test that theory," Jack breathed.
Dean put a hand up quickly. "Woah woah woah," he protested. "Me and Sam are going home - to my car. This has been one crazy-assed trip, and you," he said to the Doctor, "are more than a couple of fries short of a Happy Meal." He looked at Jack. "I have no idea what you're short of, but I'll bet it's expensive at any institution you want to name."
Jack chuckled. "Oh Doctor, we can't let these two fine young men walk all the way back to their car - which is a sweet ride, by the way," he winked at Dean. "Do you honestly want to go all the way back there in the rain?"
Sam levered his eyebrows at him, with an air of the promise of cookies - or at least warm, dry transport. Dean's shoulders sagged. "Fine. We'll take a lift."
"That's settled then!" the Doctor cried cheerfully, already turning away. "Allons-y! The last one in is making the tea. Sorry boys, I don't think I've got any coffee on board."
He turned and walked briskly through the house, the three of them following lest they get lost. Swept up in his slipstream, then went down the corridor that had been their first meeting place, as the Doctor opened the wooden door and poked his head inside.
"Oh, lovely - she's still here," he said, pushing the door wide and producing a key from his trouser pocket. The others followed as he went to a very tall blue door, unlocking and pushing it open so quickly Sam barely had a chance to put his hand out to Dean's shoulder. His brother looked back at him.
"What?" Dean asked innocently. "He said one trip, right? Back to the car? I don't know about you, but I ain't walking in the pissing rain."
"I know, but…" Sam shrugged. "It's been weird. Spaceships, aliens… Don't you think?"
"Hey," Dean said firmly. "I didn't see any alien, and I sure as hell didn't see any spaceships. Now stop freaking me out and let's go." They looked at the blue door, slightly ajar, until Jack's head popped out of it.
"Well come on then, ladies, get a move on," he grinned.
"Wonder where the Doctor's car is," Sam muttered.
"My first guess would be: behind the big blue door. Funny," Dean added, tilting his head as he put his hand to the wood, "it says 'police' at the top."
"Maybe he's well connected," Sam mused.
"Well whatever. Just a few minutes and we'll be back to the Impala. Home, sweet home," Dean sighed, pushing his way into the TARDIS, with Sam in hot pursuit.
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FIN
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And that's it! Sorry this took so long.
Oh, and Jack's penguin joke (in case you've lived under a rock and have genuinely never heard this ancient one before) ends thus: The penguin tries to wipe the ice-cream off his face but just smears it and makes it worse. He asks the mechanic what's wrong with the car. The mechanic looks at the penguin and says 'looks like you've blown a seal', and the penguin says… (Wait for it…) 'No, I've just been eating ice-cream'. Ba-doom-doom-tsshh!
Thanks for reading and reviewing, everyone! I've got a book in progress and there's the small matter of a one-off A Team (series) fic to post - but I will be back with more SPN as soon as I can.