Chapter 7: The King is Dead
Opening Credits
It seems today that all ya see
Is violence in movies and sex on TV
But where are those good, old-fashioned values
On which we used to rely
Lucky there's a Family Guy!
Lucky there's a man who
Positively can do
All the things that make us
Laugh n' Cry
He's
a
Fam
-ily
Guy!
End
It was late at night as the family (except Peter who wasn't there) was watching the Channel 5 News on TV while Lois was ironing a shirt.
"It was a moving scene today at Hatch Pond as six members of the Pawtucket Fire Department struggled valiantly to save the life of a fish trapped under the frozen ice." Tom Tucker on Channel 5 News reported as it showed said fire department breaking through ice to reach the fish.
"Hurray!" Tyler cheered.
Cuts back to the scene with the firemen.
"Rescue workers managed to get the fish out of the water, but unfortunately it died shortly after." Tom later reported showing the fish getting out of the hole the firemen carved out, placed it onto the ground and then gave it shock treatment, electrocuting it to death.
Cut back to Tyler.
"Now I'm sad..." Tyler moped.
"For what? A fish?" John asked.
Cuts back to Tom Tucker and Diane Simmons.
"Diane?" Tom said to Diane.
"Well, Tom, another life was tragically cut short today." Diane then reported showing an image of the deceased person, "Robert Kimble, founder of a local theater group known as the Quahog Players passed away this afternoon."
Cuts to Lois.
"Oh, my God!" Lois exclaimed at the news as the phone rang.
Cuts back to Diane.
"Kimble was a hands-on director who frequently appeared in his own shows, most recently, Miss Saigon." Diane reported.
Cutaway #1
It showed Robert Kimble before he passed playing the role of Miss Saigon in the play of the same name while holding his eyelids back.
"La la la la la, Miss Saigon." Robert Kimble sang, "La la la la la, Mis Saigon."
End
"Yes, I just heard." Lois said on the phone, "It's so sad."
"What? for the Robert Kimble guy or the fish?" Tyler asked Lois where everyone turned their heads toward Tyler as the latter noticed, "What?"
"Sorry about that. You see-" Lois went back on the phone before pausing, "Really?" She then turned to the kids, "They want me to be the new artistic director at the Quahog Players!" The was, of course happy for her.
"All right, Mom!" Chris cheered.
"Cool!" John cheered also.
"Are you gonna do it?" Meg asked.
"Say 'yes'!" Tyler insisted.
"I don't know." Lois answered, "It's such a big responsibility. I-I need a moment to think."
The family then waited where John literally pulled out a clock out of his pocket just like in cartoons and he and Tyler checked how long it would take Lois to decide.
"Okay, I'll do it!" Lois said on the phone accepting the offer.
It then cut back to Channel 5 News where Tom received incoming news.
"This just in." Tom reported, "The Quahog Players has just found another director to take the place of its former founder, Robert Kimble, named Lois Griffin, who also worked with Kimble as musical director."
Cuts back to the family.
"Wait, you worked with that guy?" John turned and asked Lois.
"That's right." Lois answered, "All those years of paying my dues as musical director under that old hack have finally paid off."
"Well, so much for respecting your elders." John remarked.
"Oh-ho, Lois, congratulations." Brian cheerfully congratulated Lois shaking her hand, "Our little theater group finally has a committed visionary under at its helm. And such an attractive one."
"Brian, don't be a suck-up." Tyler said to Brian.
"Tyler's right, Brian." Lois agreed, "You'll have to audition just like everyone else."
"Oh, God, of course." Brian quickly hesitated, "I-I... Oh, you didn't think- You thought I was..." Brian then realized, "Aahh... Lois!"
"I can paint scenery." Chris volunteered.
"Can I be in the show, Mom?" Meg asked.
"Yes, you can be the dumpy teenager who stays backstage and cries because nobody finds her attractive." Stewie sarcastically suggested finishing it with an insulting laugh.
John, however, wasn't going to let that slip by.
"Kick the baby!" John rose up from his seat and called out.
"What?- AAAHHHHHH!" Stewie exclaimed before John kicked him through the window, much to everyone else's horror, "Anyway, let Meg be in the play, Mrs. Griffin. She is your daughter after all and not because I myself wanted to help her or anything. Uh... Oh, hey, look! Mr. Griffin's home!"
And just as what John said, Peter walked in.
"Hey, you guys." Peter greeted everyone when Lois aproached him.
"Peter, guess what?" Lois asked Peter, "I am gonna-"
"Me first!" Peter interrupted, "Mr. Weed said whoever comes up with the best idea for the big Christmas toy this year gets a huge bonus!"
"Hey, Dad. Why don't invent the Frisbee?" Chris recommended to Peter, "That's an awesome toy."
"It's already been invented." Meg pointed out.
"Then how come I've never heard of it?" Chris asked.
"'Cause you're an idiot." Tyler answered.
"Hey, Mr. Griffin. Can we apart of the contest?" John asked Peter.
"Sorry, boys, but this is my chance to prove how valuable I am to the company." Peter rejected, "Plus, you don't work for the company. Oh, sorry, Lois. What's your news?"
"Well, I-" Lois was about to say just as Peter left the room, much to her irritation.
"Typical." John and Tyler commented in unison.
The next day at Happy-Go-Lucky Toys, Inc, Peter was in a meeting with Mr. Weed and several of the company's shareholders.
"Mr. Weed. Distinguished members of the board, may I present this year's hottest toy..." Peter said to Mr. Weed and the other people there as he brought up a white box onto the table, "...Mr. Zuchini Head." He lifted the box to reveal a toy zuchini resembling Mr. Potato Head, only without arms or legs, "He's got stupid cool style with his little hat..." He placed a yellow beanie cap at the top of the toy's "head", "...and his Doc Martins." After placing magenta Doc Martins underneath Mr. Zuchini Head, it then resembled... Okay, you've already figured out what happened next. The board was clearly not happy with this.
"Uh, thank you, Peter, that's enough." Mr. Weed attempted to dismiss Peter's toy.
"Oh, wait, wait, wait, this is the best part!" Peter hesitated flipping on a switch at the back of Mr. Zuchini Head, causing it to vibrate, "It dances!"
"I've seen enough." One of the members of the board said in disgust.
"Inappropriate." Another said in disgust.
"I haven't had sex in four years." One then suddenly acknowledged to himself.
"Gentlemen, I apologize for wasting your time." Mr. Weed apologize to the board approaching Peter, "Peter is an adequate assembly-line worker, but you'll be happy to know our company does not pay him to think." Mr. Weed then laughed and after he finished, he picked up Mr. Zuchini Head, "I'll take this. No calls."
But just as Mr. Weed was about to leave, John and Tyler then walked in with a bigger box than the one Peter had.
"Thank you, sir." John thanked Mr. Weed.
"John? Tyler?" Peter exclaimed.
"Peter, do you know these boys?" Mr. Weed asked Peter.
"Uh, yes, sir. They live with me." Peter said to Mr. Weed and turned to John and Tyler, "Guys, what are you doing here?"
"We want to win the contest." Tyler answered, "And we brought our own toy here."
John placed the box on the table.
"So, are we allowed to show you guys what our toy is?" John asked everyone.
"I'm sorry, but we do not accept toys from people outside of the company." Mr. Weed rejected the boys' idea, "Now, if you don't leave, I will call security."
"Ah, come on. Please?" John pleaded.
"No." Mr. Weed declined.
"Please?" Tyler pleaded.
"No!" Mr. Weed declined again.
The duo then repeatedly pleaded to Mr. Weed until the latter finally caved in.
"All right, all right!" Mr. Weed told John and Tyler, to their delight, "Okay, let's see what your toy is."
"All right. Now then, may we present..." John said unveiling the toy from inside to reveal a bazooka-like gun colored purple with yellow lining, "...The Dodgeball Cannon."
(A/N: In case you didn't get it, it's supposed to be a parody to various toy guns that shoot foam balls)
"The... Dodgeball Cannon?" Mr. Weed repeated.
"Yes." Tyler answered, "It fires different kinds of dodgeballs."
"Different kinds?" One of the board members asked.
"That's right." John answered, "You can choose any type of dodge ball from this dial." He then pointed at a blue dial with all the dodgeball selections, which John turned to an option called, "Fire Ball".
"First is the Fire Ball." Tyler announced as John aimed and then fired the Dodgeball Cannon, shooting out a dodgeball on fire, which everyone dodged.
"Next is the Metal Ball." Tyler announced as John then turned to the option "Metal Ball" on the Dodgeball Cannon and a large, metallic ball shot out, hitting one of the members of the board.
It then cut to outside the room where the door opened and Mr. Weed kicked both Peter and the boys out and threw them the Dodgeball Cannon before slamming the door in their faces.
Back at the house, Lois was ready to go work at her new job.
"Come on, kids!" Lois called out to the kids upstairs, "The director can't be late for the auditions."
She then noticed Peter, John and Tyler moping on the couch.
"Ah, you should've heard them laghing at us, Lois." Peter informed Lois about what happened.
"Yeah, we've got great ideas." John said.
"But they look at us and all they see are losers." Tyler said.
"Except the guy with the lazy eye." Peter pointed out, "He sees three losers and the snack machine."
"Boys, a lot of creative people have mindless jobs." Lois told the trio.
"Name one." Tyler dared Lois.
"Well... Michelangelo worked in a marble quarry, uh... Uh, Herman Melville was a customs agent." Lois pointed out, "Albert Einstein worked for the patent office."
Cutaway #2
It showed Albert Einstein during his time as a worker at the patent office when Herr Smith came up to patent some paperwork.
"And what is it you wish to patent, Herr Smith?" Albert Eistein asked Herr Smith, whom handed the paperwork.
"I called it 'Smith's Theory of Relativity'." Herr Smith explained.
Einstein then took a look at the paper, then after a brief moment.
"Hey, look at this." Einstein pointed out showing something on the front page."
"Where?" Smith asked taking a closer look at what Einstein directed.
Suddenly, Einstein slams the booth's window at Smith's head three times, knocking or most likely killing the latter. Einstein then runs off with Smith's Theory of Relativity.
End
"I think what Lois is trying to say is you have to find a way to express yourselves creatively." Brian walked in and stated, "For example, Chris has his drawing, Meg has her birdcalls-"
"Beautively!" John hollered as everyone looked at him for a second before getting back at topic.
"Yes, all right." Brian excused, "And I sing... Beautifully."
"So I've heard." Lois replied unconvinced, much to Brian's dismay.
"And Lois has her theater group." Brian then pointed, finishing his statement.
"Yes and for my first production, I've chosen The King and I." Lois said, "It's a wonderful story about about a loving, patient woman who introduces culture and civility to a barbaric, patriarchal-" She was then interrupted by snorting offscreen, "Tyler, please don't wipe your mucus on the couch."
It then showed Tyler having a runny nose and wiping the running mucus on the couch, leaving a big stain on the right chair arm in the process.
"Sorry." Tyler apologized sniffing his nose.
"Look, I have to go." Lois said, "Part of being creative is figuring out what you're all good at. I know you can all do it if you put your minds to it." She then left for the auditions.
"She's right, boys. Man was meant top create." Peter said to John and Tyler taking Lois' advice, "I mean, Shrinky Dinks were invented together by two women."
Cutaway #3
It then showed the inventers of Shrinky Dinks, Betty Morris and Kate Bloomberg, having just created the first kit.
"It worked." Kate acknowledged at their success.
"I know." Betty agreed, "Look at how tiny they are-"
Suddenly, Albert Einstein from the previous cutaway then came in and attacked the two inventers by slamming their heads with the stove's lid with each of their heads at different sides, killing them at the same time. And like before, Eistein then snatches the first Shrinky Dinks away with him.
(A/N: For those who don't know, these two were originally housewives who created the product as a Cub Scout project and sold the first batch at a local mall in Brookfield, Wisconsin. I just thought I should make it kinda educational, though Einstein was already dead at the time Shrinky Dinks were really created.)
End
It then cuts to an opera house called the Brine, where the auditions were being held. Brian was in the middle of his audition singing, "If Ever I Would Leave You."
Oh, no, not in springtime
Summer, winter, or fall
No, never would I leave you
At all
Lois and Joe, who were the judges, were both blown away by Brian's performance and applauded.
"Bravo!" Joe cheered.
"Brian, that was beautiful!" Lois praised Brian, "Thank you."
"No, no, no, thank you." Brian reassured, "And-And that note you gave me, 'louder', huh, I was-I was thinking that and then you said it."
"Okay." Lois responded.
"It was so intuitive-" Brian continued.
"Okay, all right." Lois tried cutting Brian off.
"It was a plea- Brian tried to say more.
"Next!" Lois called out.
Brian got off the stage and Stewie came up with a towel.
"Stewie, do you wanna try out for Mommy's play?" Lois said to Stewie babying the latter.
Stewie then rolled up the towel and stuffed it in the back of the shirt, imitating Quasimodo.
"Now is the winter of our discontent made glorious summer by this son of York." Stewie acted, "And all-"
"Why don't you sing Itsy Bitsy Spider?" Lois interrupted recommending said song to Stewie, though he didn't take kindly to it.
"How dare you reduce my finely hewn thesbian stylings to mere Mother Gooseries!" Stewie said to Lois offended.
"Oh, sing Ba Ba Black Sheep!" Lois recommended again still babying him, whilst at the same time not listening to him.
"You know, Mother, as first lady of the American stage, Helen Hayes, once said: I'm going to kill you." Stewie threatened Lois.
"Hey, can somebody give us a hand with all this talent?" Peter asked everyone coming in with John and Tyler along.
"Peter, what are you and the boys doing here?" Lois asked Peter.
"Well, Lois, we tried finding our creativities, like you said." Peter explained, "First, we took an art class."
Cutaway #4
Peter, John and Tyler were at an art class where their assignment was drawing a naked man.
"Are we- Are we supposed to draw the penis?" Peter whispered to one of the artists.
"Can we just draw leaves over it instead?" John asked.
End
"Then we tried sculpting." Peter said.
Cutaway #5
The trio were now in a sculpting class where it was yet again a naked man.
"Are we- Are we supposed to sculpt the penis?"
End
"Then we tried music." Peter said.
Cutaway #6
The trio were now at a music class with Peter as maestro.
"Am I-Am I supposed to cunduct with my penis?" Peter asked a musician behind him.
End
"And then we tried sports." John said.
Cutaway #7
It showed instead a baseball player at the bat ready to swing. However, he was hit by what appeared to be the Metal Ball from earlier as it then showed John as the pitcher with the Dodgeball Cannon in his hands.
"Am I- Am I allowed to use this?" John asked.
End
"We were starting to think there was nothing we'd be good at." Peter told Lois, "But then we realized this is it. Lois, our penises belong onstage!"
"So sign us up!" John volunteered.
"Yeah!" Tyler cheered.
"Wait, Peter, John, Tyler, everyone has to audition." Lois told the trio, "You know, sing, dance-"
"Ohohoh, I get it." Peter chuckled going up on stage, "Uh, hello, everybody. This is, uh, just a formality, since I happen to be doing the director." He let out another chuckle.
Lois felt a bit embarassed after hearing that.
"A five, six, seven, eight..." Peter chanted as the intro theme to the show Land of the Lost played in the background, complete with a set based on the setting of the show and John and Tyler were dressed as characters from the show. Peter of course was the lead singer while John and Tyler imitated the intro of Land of the Lost.
Marshall, Will and Holly
On a routine expedition
Met the greatest earthquake ever known
High on the rapids, it struck their tiny raft
John and Tyler then yelled from behind.
And plunged them down a thousand feet below
John and Tyler then joined Peter to sing the final line in the song.
In the Land of the Lost!
Peter then roared into the scene as it then zoomed into his mouth, technically cutting to black.
The next day, Lois and Joe were with everyone who auditioned for the play.
"Before I post the cast list, my choreographer and I want to thank everyone for auditioning." Lois said to everyone.
"You were all great." Joe praised everyone.
"Weren't they?" Lois agreed, "I only wish the show was called The King and Us, so I could cast you all."
Everyone laughed from this, but when they all stopped, Brian was laughing a bit hysterically before stopping.
"I don't get it." John and Tyler both said in unison offscreen.
Lois let that one go as she then set up the list of the cast while everyone gathered to see who was in the play.
"Anna!" Loretta said astonished she got the role of Anna, "Oh, baby, baby! I'm a star!" She then hugged her husband, Cleveland.
"Wow. I've never hugged a celebrity before." Cleveland acknowledged before finishing the hug, "Except for Pearl Bailey at a book signing once."
"No way!" Tyler responded in amazement.
"But then we later found it wasn't actually her." Cleveland then mentioned.
"What a rip..." Tyler responded again this time bummed.
"Saimese baby?!" Stewie asked outraged by his role, "Stewie Griffin does not play bit parts!"
"Aw, you wanted a bigger part, didn't you, sweetie?" Lois asked Stewie affectionately.
"Oh, to hell with you!" Stewie insulted her, "Perhaps I'll skip the stage and go directly to films."
Cutaway #8
It featured a poster parodying the movie There's Something About Mary, only instead featuring Stewie on the front instead of Mary before cutting to Stewie knocking on a door in an apartment building.
"Hellooo." the character, Ted stroehmann answered and greeted Stewie.
"What is that on your ear?" Stewie asked pointing to a white cream on his right ear, "Is that... is that hair gel?"
"Uhh, yeah." Ted lied.
"Great, 'cause I could use some." Stewie said reaching out and getting a bit of the "gel."
"No, no, no, don't-" Ted warned Stewie, but was too late.
"I just ran out." Stewie explained rubbing the stuff on his head.
Then after showing Ted's face for a few seconds, it cut back to Stewie with three strands of his hair now pointing up. much to Stewie's dismay.
Suddenly, it then cut to what appeared to be the show At The Movies, where it showed John dressed as Roger Ebert and Tyler dressed as Gene Siskel.
"There's Something About Stewie was bland, boring, horrible to sit through..." Ebert (John) ranted.
"You forgot not funny in the slightest and lousy at best." Siskel (Tyler) informed his coleague.
"And it's also not funny and lousy at its worst." Ebert (John) then said, "And Stewie Griffin should have stayed back at the stage. 'Cause he certainly wasn't capable for the big-screen."
End
(A/N: Just to be fair, that wasn't my actual opinion on the actual movie. I've honestly never seen it. It was just to make a joke on how Stewie's career in films would be responded. So, please don't get at me, Stewie fans.)
"Ah, man, Chorus?!" Quagmire exclaimed in unsatisfaction, "Shoot, what a gyp!"
"The King of Siam? Why-Why, that's the lead!" Brian acknowledged, "This is so unexpected!"
"Hey, shut up!" Quagmire shouted walking away, but Brian wasn't bothered by what he heard and just repeated what he just said a minute ago.
"Quit bragging, Brian." Tyler said to Brian.
"Uh, Lois, we think you made a mistake." Peter said to Lois, "Neither one of us is the King."
"Or Anna... Scratch that." John said.
"Heck, we're not anybody!" Tyler said.
"So, what? I had sex with you for nothing?" Peter said to Lois.
"No, boys, I... It's just that directing this show is a big opportunity for me and I don't want anything to ruin it." Lois admitted.
"Ruin it?" Peter, John and Tyler repeated in unison.
"Yes." Lois said, "By not using you three to your full potentials. You have too much talent for the stage. You should... Uh. Uh. Peter, you-you should be a producer."
"A producer?" Peter repeated.
"And boys, you should... be assistants." Lois said to John and Tyler.
"Assistants?" John and Tyler repeated also.
"Ge, I don't know..." Peter said warily as he, John and Tyler then imagined themselves as the things Lois said. Peter was wealthy business producer and John and Tyler were for some reason Hispanic assistants.
"Great news, Edgar Brofnman Jr. We've made the deal. We're more richer and more powerful than ever!" He then moved in a little bit over the handlebar, "I'm the king of the- AAHH!" John and Tyler then pushed Peter off of the balcony as the latter was tumbling down the cliff where his robe was torn off, leaving him naked.
It then showed a Hispanic family about to have dinner when Peter crashed in from the ceiling.
"Aqui esta el hombre con lo solicitado, tia! (Here's the man you've asked for, Aunt!)" Hispanic John hollered to the woman from offscreen, "Bienvenido! (Your welcome!)"
"?Que quiso decir con, 'El hombre lo solicitado'? (What did he mean by, 'The man you've asked for'?)" The father asked outraged, "Y quien es este? (And who is this?)"
"Que significa que es la respuesta a mis oraciones! (It means he's the answer to my prayers!)" The wife revealed.
"POR QUE?! (WHY?!)" The husband cried in despair at this news.
It cut back to the trio.
"I love Hispanics." Tyler said coming back to reality.
"Yeah, me, too." Peter agreed, "All right, let's do it."
They then walked away.
The next day, everyone was practicing for the upcoming show, where Brian and Loretta were reciting the dance between Anna and the King.
"Hang on! Hang on! Hang on!" Joe interrupted unimpressed, "You overextended the pil'e. You screwed it all up. Let me show you again." Joe then wheeled over to two men with tamers next to a pair of monkey bars, "All right, boys. Let's do it!" The men fastened their braces to Joe's ankles as Joe held on to the monkey bars and then did an imitation of Joe tap-dancing, "And one, two, three. And one, two, three. And just like this. And watch my feet. And one, two, three."
Meanwhile, Lois came up to Peter with Chris.
"Peter, Chris says you told him to build him a set for a Buddhist temple." Lois reported to Peter.
"What? No, I didn't." Peter said, "I wanted the North Pole. That's where Anna goes to talk to her best friend, a penguin."
"Actually, Mr. Griffin, it was our idea." John came in with Tyler and said to Peter.
"Wait, you were the ones who did it?" Peter asked with John and Tyler nodding approvingly, "But why?"
"Well, you see, Mr. Griffin, we need the Buddhist temple to help show the King's past life as a Buddhist monk." John explained.
"But we agreed for it to be Anna at the North Pole with her best friend, a penguin." Peter argued.
"There is no talking penguin nor Buddhist temple in The King and I." Lois corrected.
"There was in this story." Tyler said pulling out a book, where it showed a stock photo copy of the book Mongkut, The King of Siam by Abbot Low Moffat with also a stock image of a hand pointing at the book.
(A/N: I'm not making this plot device up. There's an actual novel called Mongkut, the King of Siam. The Nostalgia Critic even confirmed its existence in his review of the The King and I animated film.)
"Yep. All we need now is the-" John said looking at the book.
"Hey, hey, hold on here." Peter interrupted, "What happened to it being 'Peter Griffin presents The King and I'? I mean, I haven't thought of some wicked funny for him to say yet."
"Peter, boys, the director decides whether or not to add a character or a setting." Lois established to the trio snatching away both Peter's clipboard and John and Tyler's book, "You're the producer and assistants. Remember?"
"Well, what am I supposed to do with all my great ideas? Put 'em in a tub and clean myseklf with them?" Peter asked, "'Cause that's what soap is for, Lois."
"Your great ideas?" John asked, "In case you forgot, Mr. Griffin, we got into this gig together and yet you're trying to hog all the glory."
"Yeah." Tyler agreed, "Plus, your ideas have nothing to do with the story at all. And Mrs. Griffin, if the director does all the work, then what we do?"
"Good producers put their ideas to work outside the theater." Lois explained directing Peter to the exit, "It's your job to make sure we sell every seat in this house."
"A-And that's creative?" Peter asked Lois confused.
"Is it?" Lois said back, "Well, it's just the most creative job there is." She then turned to John and Tyler, "And assistants follow orders from either the director or the producer."
"*sigh* Okay..." John and Tyler said in unison clearly disappointed by this.
"Don't you worry, Lois, we'll get the word out." Peter assured Lois, "I'll tell two friends and the boys'll tell two friends, and those people'll tell two friends and that's-that's 10 people right there."
"You're off by 6." Tyler corrected Peter.
"Anyway, we'll help get people to see Peter Griffin presents The King and I." Peter declared.
"You mean Mongkut, the King of Siam." John corrected.
"No, it's 'Peter Griffin presents The King and I'." Peter said.
Peter and the boys then glared at each other and then suddenly dashed out of the theater.
They both stopped at the Channel 5 news building and first stopped outside Tom Tucker's room, though the door was slightly open. They peaked in and saw Tom Tucker admiring himself in his underwear.
"Hey. Hey, I recognize you from the television. You're Tom Tucker." Tom said admiring his ego, "I bet you can do this." He then started shaking his torso.
"Uh... excuse me." Peter asked catching the half-nude news anchor by surprise.
"Wh- G-G-G-Get out of here! Get out of here!" Tom ordered about to head toward the door before tripping on and getting one of his legs caught in a nearby chair, causing to tumble over, "Go on, g-g-get Ah. Get out-Get out of here!"
"Uh, we'll come back later." Tyler said to Tom as Peter closed the door and the three of them then headed somewhere else. Most specifically, Diane Simmons' room.
Peter knocked the door and Diane Simmons herself answered.
"Oh, wow!" Peter said in excitement, "Diane Simmons!"
"Wow, she looks exactly like on TV." John acknowledged.
"Funny, neither of you look anything like the ad." Diane acknowledged the trio's presence before looking both ways, "One of you better be huge."
"Uh, actually, we're here to inform you of theupcoming play we're putting together." Tyler reassured Diane.
"That's right. I'm Peter Griffin, producer." Peter greeted when John cleared his throat, "Oh, and these are my assistants. I'm presenting 'Peter Griffin presents The King and I', a Peter Griffin production, and I'm giving you the exclusive story."
John and Tyler were bothered by what Peter said.
"What? No, that's not what its called." John responded, "It's Mongkut, the King of Siam!"
"No one asked you!"
"Look, pal, some two-bit community theater production isn't news." Diane harshly said to the trio, "Who's the star? For that matter, who are all of you and why should I give a damn?"
"Wow, we're being interviewed by Diane Simmons!" Peter stupidly responded.
"Mr. Griffin, I think we're being criticized by Diane Simmons." Tyler informed Peter.
Meanwhile back at the house, Lois and Brian were in the living room when Peter, John and Tyler came in.
"Lois, you told us to produce and we did." Peter said to Lois, then said with John and Tyler in unison, "I got us a story on the 11:00 AM news." They heard what they each heard and then gave a look of distrust at each other.
"Really?" Brian asked surprised.
"Oh, boys." Lois praised the trio hugging them all at the same time.
"Our top story tonight." Diane reported, "I will be playing the role of Anna in the Quahog Players production of The King and I. Tom?"
"Thanks, Diane." Tom thanked Diane, "In other news, I won't be going to the play because I'm sure it will be lousy."
Diane was clearly annoyed by Tom's "news."
"Tom, I'm getting late word that you're a petty, jealous, closet case." Diane told Tom.
"Bit of breaking news, we now go live to Diane being a bitch." Tom shot back, "Diane?"
This left Diane without words and she was only able to let out an embarassed smile.
Cuts back to the living room.
"But Loretta's playing Anna and she's doing a great job." Lois reminded the trio.
"Except the real Anna wasn't African-American." John stated causing everyone to gasp in shock, "What? Oh, no, I'm not trying to be racist! I'm just stating a historical fact!"
"Loretta's a nobody." Peter said, "Diane Simmons is a star. Look, Lois, you wanted us to sell tickets, right? Well, people who've never been in a theater will come see a show with Diane Simmons."
"I don't know, Peter, she's a news reporter." Lois said warily.
"Hey, hey, some of our greatest actors started in news." Peter defended.
"Like who?" Tyler asked.
"Like Sean Penn, for one." Peter answered.
Cutaway #9
It showed Sean Penn as a weather man with a rather nasty look on his face while holding a cigarette and a lighter in his hands.
"Today's weather calls for, uh... breezy skies and sun and there's going to be a..." Sean paused to light his smoke, then went back to the camera, "Get that [BLEEP] CAMERA OUT OF MY FACE!" He broke off the mike above him and smashed the camera as it tumbled to its side on the floor with a cracked lens.
End
The next day, everyone arrived for rehearsal.
"Hey, everybody!" Peter greeted everyone, "Here's our star!"
"Oh, this is so awkward." Diane remarked, "You all know my name and I've never heard of any of you."
"You ever acted before, honey?" Loretta asked Diane clearly mad about her role being taken away.
"Well, I did an independant film in college." Diane answered.
Cutaway #10
The film Diane mentioned then played and just to save you guys the trouble, it ends with a clown flipping a pancake. There. The end. I'm sorry. It's just too ridiculous to write what happened in the original episode in this fanfiction.
"THAT MADE NO SENSE!" Tyler shouted offscreen after watching the movie. Oh, yeah, I forgot about him in this cutaway.
End
"Let's start with the scene where Lady Thiang begs Anna to confort the King." Lois suggested handing Diane and Loretta's scripts.
"Oh, are you playing Lady Thiang?" Diane asked Loretta.
Loretta approved. "I was supposed to be Anna." Loretta told Diane.
"Oh." Diane responded, "Well, they did an all-you-people version of Hello, Dolly that was very successful."
"Okay, let's go from the top of Scene 7." Lois instructed backing away, "Action!"
"Oh, Mrs. Anna, the king needs you." Loretta acted, "You must go to him."
"Lady Thiang, if he needs me, truly needs me, I will go to him." Diane acted.
"Cut! All wrong! No good!" Peter interrupted butting in.
"Peter, what are you doing?" Lois asked Peter, "She was wonderful."
"My ass..." Loretta said under her breath.
"Besides, I'm the director." Lois reminded.
"I-It just doesn't feel real, you know?" Peter said.
"Actually, I think Mr. Griffin might be right about that." John acknowledged.
"See? Even John and Tyler think so, too" Peter pointed out, "Anyway-"
"Wait, I'm not finished yet." John halted Peter, "In the controversy surrpounding the story, sources claimed that Anna had exaggerated her influences toward the king and was the one who turned him into the character in your version."
"What? No, that' not what I was talking about." Peter dismissed John.
"It wasn't?" Tyler asked.
"No. What I was about to say was that Anna and Ms. Thing both love the king, right?" Peter asked.
"Yeah?" John and Tyler answered.
"Well, on Springer yesterday, they had 'I won't share my husband' and these two women bitch-slapped each other. Crowd went nuts. Loretta, w-why don't you try slapping Diane?"
"I think I can do that." Loretta replied coming up to Diane.
"Wait a minute." Lois halted, "Nobody's slapping anybody. This is Rodgers and Hammerstein, not trash TV or some suspicious author."
"Actually, Mrs. Griffin, it's Abbot Low-" Tyler corrected.
"I don't care what the name is!" Lois cut Tyler off.
"I think they may be onto something." Diane acknowledged, "Springer is one of our station's highest rated shows."
"I don't know..." Lois said warily about the issue.
"What? I thought you wanted to do a good show." Peter said to Lois, "Eh, if you want to do a bad show, why don't we just do Rent?"
Lois sighed in defeat. "I guess we can try-"
"Action!" Loretta cut off Lois slapping Diane and knocking the latter to the ground.
That evening, the Griffin were having dinner.
"Come on, Lois. Those-Those hoop skirts make Diane look a little hippy, you know?" Peter complained, "I-I was thinkin' we could dress her in a pair of sequined capri pants."
"Peter, they didn't have capri pants in the 1860s." Lois told Peter.
"Mrs. Griffin's right, Mr. Griffin. Can't you just stick to a little bit of tradition?" John asked Peter, "I mean, in Mongkut, the King of-."
"Oh, you're still won't shut up about that book?" Peter asked John irritated before getting hit in the face with food.
"You!" Stewie called out to Peter, "Can't you see these simpletons are trying to teach us actual history? This could probably our own chance to learn about the past and you're throwing it away solely for the wrong audience."
John and Tyler were stunned by Stewie's words.
"Wow, Stewie. That was probably the nicest thing you ever said about us." Tyler said to Stewie gratefully before the latter flinged more food to both Tyler and John's faces, "Ahh! But we thought we were friends now."
"We aren't and never will." Stewie reassured, "I just think what you're doing could benefit the stage, that's all."
Stewie then flinged food once again, this time being Lois.
"AND YOU!" Stewie shouted to Lois, "Well, I just plain don't like you."
The next day, Lois arrived at the Brine (the theater, in case anyone forgot) where everyone but John and Tyler were laughing.
"What's going on?" Lois asked butting in.
"Oh, we're just having a little pow-wow to discuss my latest changes." Peter explained sitting in the director's seat.
"What changes?" Lois asked bitterly.
"The Siamese twins." Peter answered quickly rising up, "How about this? They're not children. They're aliens!"
Everyone applauded.
"Heh. Heh, that was great, Peter." Quagmire praised Peter.
"Right on the money." Joe remarked.
"Isn't he brilliant?" Diane asked Lois.
"Nooo!" Lois rejected, "He's not brilliant! Rodgers and Hammerstein were brilliant and I wanna do the show they wrote! We're not making any more changes!"
"We sold out!" Meg reported running in with Chris.
"Yeah!" Chris agreed, "The whole town's talking about your show, Dad!"
Everyone cheered over the news. Well, except Lois, of course.
"Your show?" Lois asked Peter, "Peter, this is my show!"
"What's the big deal?" Peter asked Lois, "You wanted to sell out and we did."
"I am through selling out." Lois declared, "I took this job because I wanted to create something beautiful and you've completely destroyed that! You want to be the director? Fine! I quit!"
Lois then marched out the door with the script now in Peter's hands.
"Me, direct?" Peter asked as he stepped over to the end of the stage, "I don't know what to say, except... "I'm the king of the wor- AAHH!" Peter once again fell and landed on instruments.
The next morning, Lois was at the counter seemingly making breakfast when Peter came in wearing a black turtle neck.
"Mo-horning, theater fans!" Peter greeted the kitchen.
"Good morning, Peter." Lois greeted Peter surprisingly cheery from what happened the other day, "I made your favorite breakfast." She dropped a plate of instead a piece of toast with a fried egg, a fish and olives on top.
"The hell is this?" Peter asked.
"French toast." Lois answered, "I just made a few creative changes to the recipe. I think it's a lot better now."
"Lois, if this is your idea of a joke, you must write for Leno." Peter said to Lois.
"Oh, oh, you know, it is so fashionable to take a shot at Jay Leno." Stewie defended, "Look, look, the fact is the man is out there every bloody night with fresh material and he's charming."
"Face it, Lois, you're just jealous because people like my ideas better than yours."
"I don't care if the whole world loves your ideas, that doesn't make them good." Lois pointed out, "I was trying to make art."
"Oh, art-schmart." Peter brushed off, "Put enough monkeys in a room with a typewriter and they'll produce Shakespear."
Cutaway #11
As with what Peter mentioned, a group of monkeys were in one single room trying to think of something to write.
"Uhh... Let's see, 'A something by any other name'..." One of the apes who was on a computer writing a poem.
"'Carnation'." A monkey laying on the couch suggested, "'peony'."
"No, they did that on last week's Marlowe." A monkey by the window reported.
"Oh, what about, uh, 'daisy'?" One of them suggested.
"'Chrysanthemum'!" Another recommended.
"'Iris', 'rose'?" Monkey #2 suggested again, this time finding the right word, "What about 'rose'?"
"'Ro-Rose'?" Monkey #1 asked, "Did you say, 'rose'?"
"'Rose' is good." A monkey said.
"'A rose by any other name'. Yeah, that-that works." Monkey #1 said.
Everyone in the room agreed.
"Moving on." Monkey #1 directed.
"Hey, what about 'tulip'?" Another monkey suggested at the last minute.
"'Rose' is fine." Monkey #1 shrugged off, "Moving on."
End
"Peter, you've never done a creative thing in your life!" Lois scolded Peter.
"That's not true." Peter defended, "I wrote Bonfire of the Vanities."
"No, you didn't." Lois corrected.
Peter didn't respond for a moment.
"You win this round, Lois." Peter finally responded.
"You're not being creative." Lois argued, "You're just destroying a wonderful show."
"Hey, hey, I have more creativity in my whole body than most people do before 9:00 am." Peter argued.
"The only thing you create before 9:00 am is exactly what you've turned my show into." Lois fired back.
"I think my work will speak for itself." Peter deflected as he exited the kitchen, leaving Lois. She then took the plate she gave Peter earlier and placed on the table a vase of flowers when Peter suddenly came back, "Oh, ha, ha, I just got that. A poop joke?" Peter said to Lois, "That's real creative, Lois." He then left for real this time.
As usual, everyone was busy rehearsing for the play.
"Okay, let's run this scene again." Peter instructed, "Now, remember, Diane, you're playing Anna, a steel-town girl on a Saturday night looking for the fight of the life."
"Um, where does it say that?" Diane asked trying to look for it in her script.
"In my noodle." Peter answered pointing at his cranium, not really helping answer Diane's question, "Okay, places. And action!"
80's-esque music played in the background as Diane and soon Cleveland and Quagmire dance. Diane, however, quickly becomes exhausted and accidentally tumbles over Cleveland.
"Stop! All wrong! All wrong!" Peter demanded, "God, send me dancers."
"We've been rehearsing for hours." Diane complained, "I'm exhausted."
"I'm sorry, butwe open this show in three hours AND I DON'T THINK WE'RE READY!" Peter shrugged off Diane's pleas.
"Of course, we're not!" Diane argued, "You keep changing everything!"
"You bet I do. Because theater is alive!" Peter argued, "It's a living, breathing creature with wants and needs and you're not man enough to satisfy her."
"I can't work this way." Diane said having had enough, "We should've gone with John and Tyler."
"John and Tyler?" Peter asked, "I'm the director here."
"Not anymore, you're not." John said walking in with Tyler.
"As of now, we're in charge of tonight's show." Tyler then addressed.
"What's the meaning of this?" Peter asked, "All of you were liking my ideas?"
"Peter, no offense, but we just pretended to like them." Cleveland confessed.
"So, you choose them over me?" Peter questioned the cast offended.
"Well, Peter, we did thought some of your ideas were good, but then we started reading the book John and Tyler told us about and we honestly prefer to do that story instead." Joe said, "Plus, you kept changing everything. So, we have to go with John and Tyler because it's a lot more easier that way."
"Yeah, it's easier to remember what to do." Quagmire said.
"Fine! I don't need you all anyway!" Peter told off everyone storming off, "And good luck getting ready in three hours!"
"He's right." Diane said, "There's no way we'll be able to get it all done tonight."
"Sure we can." John reassured, "With just a little teamwork, we'll be able to get it right in no time."
Eventually, it reached to opening night and about everyone in town came to see the show. Everyone in the play was making last minute rehearsals.
"Su-su-sudio." Brian said and repeated, "Su-su-sudio."
"Two minutes, everybody!" The stagehand reported, "Two minutes."
John and Tyler peeked through the curtains.
"Wow, full house." Tyler said.
"Yeah..." John said before finding Lois along with Meg and Chris at front-row, "Hey, Mrs. Griffin came to watch our show."
"Well, well, look who came crawling back..." Tyler then acknowledged as John looked from where Tyler was looking and saw Joe crawling on the floor.
"Boys, have either of you seen my wheelchair?" Joe asked the duo.
"Oh, here it is, Joe." Tyler said pulling out Joe's wheelchair from offscreen and placing Joe back in.
"Thanks." Joe thanked the duo wheeling away.
Meanwhile, back to Lois.
"I don't get it, Mom. If you're still mad at Dad for wrecking your show, why did you come to opening night?" Meg asked her mother confused about Lois' attendance at the play.
"I came because I love the theater." Lois answered, "I mean, if I just came here to enjoy watching your father be humiliated when this asinine spectacle of his is ridiculed by everyone in town, what kind of person would I be?"
"A bitch?" Chris said.
Peter then came in and took a seat.
"Peter? What are you doing here?" Lois asked surprised by her husband's appearance in the audience.
"Yeah, well, I got fired." Peter answered, "Turns out my ideas weren't taken seriously."
"Wait, if you're no longer the director, then who's in charge of-" Lois was asking Peter when the show finally started and Lois soon realized, "Oh, God, no."
Time passed and nobody said anything yet about the show. Eventually, as the play finally ends and the curtain closes, so far it looked like it failed to please everyone.
"Hmm. Knew it would suck." Peter said before suddenly the audience applauded and then cheered, "Wh-What the hell?!"
"Oh, my God. They liked it?!" Lois said also shocked by the audience's sudden approval.
The curtain opened and the cast was there taking a bow as they were greeted with tossed bouquets of roses.
"Sotp it! Stop clapping right now!" Lois ordered the audience standing on her seat and getting everyone's attention, "What's wrong with you? These people shouldn't be encouraged! They should be punished! These people have committed murder here this evening and the victim's name is 'theater'."
"And my show!" Peter shouted offscreen.
"This is the kind of paranoidal schlock that's turning our society into a wasteland of self-delusion." Lois continued, "This isn't art! This isn't even entertainment! This... BLOWS!"
Everyone gasped as it showed John and Tyler now looking saddened by Lois' response and walked away. The audience then gave an offended look at Lois and Peter.
"Hey, lady, what do you have against history?" A man demanded to Lois.
"What? Oh, no, don't tell me you all think the same thing." Lois said in realization, "Look, I have nothing against plays that talk about history. But this is Rodgers and Hammerstein we're all talking about. There's no way it could've been real."
"Did you even read the book?" Another man asked.
"Well, no, but-" Lois answered.
"Then what right do you have to criticize something if you don't know anything about it?" The man asked again.
Lois was hit with a copy of the book John and Tyler were telling her about as everyone exited the theater. Lois took a good look at the cover before opening and reading the book. She was still doubtful that it would change her opinion, but reading a bit further, however, she soon saw why people liked it and decided to keep going.
Back home, Lois visited John and Tyler, who were on their bunk bed each in their respective beds still depressed about what happened at the theater.
"Boys, do you mind if I talk with you?" Lois asked the boys, whom both nodded approval, "Look, about the play-"
"We know. We should apologize for ruining your show." John said.
"We were just wanting to show people a new side of the story." Tyler said.
"Actually, I'm the one who should be making the apologies." Lois stated, much to John and Tyler's surprise, "You see, I didn't really give your story any chance until I read the book you gave me and it made me realize how arrogant I was toward another nation's love for their king. You both deserve all the praise you got for all your hard-earned work."
"Thank you, Mrs. Griffin." John thanked Lois, "Plus, we also dedicated the play to you and Mr. Griffin."
"Really?" Lois exclaimed, "But why?"
"Well, because you and Peter were involved in the making of the play and we thought it would be a good idea to give you guys some credits." Tyler explained.
"Oh, thank you, boys." Lois thanked the duo hugging, "So, are we good now?"
"Mm-hmm." The duo replied.
Later, Lois was now in bed reading her copy of Mongkut when Peter came in.
"How was the cast party?" Lois asked Peter.
"They were a hit." Peter answered holding up a recent issue of the paper showing an article about the duo's play, "Man, thse two must be happy to see their big ideas come to life." He then jumped and landed on the bed on his back, "I bet it must've been the greatest feeling in the world, don't you think?"
"Yeah, I bet it is." Lois agreed.
"Though, to be honest, I began to do a little thinking and I guess I did saw it coming after stealing your show away from you before." Peter admitted, "I guess I deserved it, huh?"
"Well, I don't know about that..." Lois lied knowing he did kind of deserved it.
"Besides, I'll admit I didn't believed in them to make a good show, really." Peter admitted.
"Well... Actually, I didin't really, either. Not at first." Lois admitted also, "But anyone who could take The King and I and turn it into... that, is... well, they've gotta be creative together."
"Yeah, Lois, uh... Sorry I took your show away from you." Peter apologized, "But I got John and Tyler to agree to make sure you get your chance next year. It'll be 'John and Tyler present a Lois Griffin production. Okay, honey?"
"Deal." Lois agreed before sharing one final kiss before the episode ended.
However...
"Heh... Hey-Hey, were you there when I farted?" Peter asked Lois.
The End
(A/N: Before I go, I just want to let everyone know that I am incredibly sorry this took so long to make. I've been suffering through major writer's bock and I had been so caught up on work I barely had time to write with my co-writer. Hopefully this episode will be enough to satisfy you guys for waiting. However, if you see anything wrong with this episode, then please let me know as soon as you can. Hopefully the next episode will be easier to work on. My intention for this version of the original episode was the fact that people sometimes forget that the events that took place in The King and I actually happened and claim it to be all just fiction. As always, please let me know of what you all think and see you in the next chapter.)