7 Stop Fighting Me
That night, Taylor and Amanda dropped Lissa off at her friend Samantha's house for a sleep over. Amanda wasn't very happy about it, she felt that Lissa should be home in case she became scared or wanted to talk.
Lissa assured her she was fine and Taylor told Amanda that it would be good for Lissa to be with friends. He also told Amanda it would do her well to have some adult time. She wasn't sure what he meant by that but she was nervous that he would want to take their relationship to the next level. She wasn't ready for that yet. At least she didn't think she was.
"Let me take you out to dinner, Amanda," He muttered against her lips when she got back in his van from seeing Lissa in to Sam's.
"I'm not really in a going out kind of mood, Taylor." She told him after a quick, hot kiss. She had so much stuff to do. She needed to figure out how to pay for the burial and then clean out her mother's apartment. She briefly thought about taking over the rent and moving there but realized that she loathed that place. It wasn't her home and she didn't want to subject Lissa to the hate and depression that impregnated the walls.
"Fine, then we'll get something and go back to my place," he suggested.
He wanted her there. He always wanted to ask her over but knew she would turn him down. Maybe with Lissa at her friends and after the day's events she would be more open to it. He hated trying to take advantage of the situation but he needed to take her home. As if the action alone could cement her to him.
He wanted her scent in his house, in his bed, but he knew not to push that yet. She was still skittish and he didn't want her to start running again. "Amanda, please. Come home with me," Taylor implored her.
How could she turn him down when he asked like that? He couldn't use that voice on her and not get what he wanted. He knew it too.
"Taylor," she muttered and then gasped in suprise when he leaned in and kissed her deeply.
He looked into her eyes and said, "You're coming home with me and I'm going to feed you. Stop fighting me, Amanda. You won't win."
"Taylor, I'm not ready for this," she told him. She wasn't. She didn't know what to do about him. How to handle him and what if he wanted sex? She didn't know how to do any of that, how to please him. He'd laugh at her. Maybe if he saw how incompetent she is, he'd walk now and spare her the pain of it later.
Taylor grabbed her by the arms and gave her a little shake. "Stop it. Just stop thinking like that, Amanda. I can read you like a book. I'm not asking you over to take advantage of you. I'm not going to walk away because you want me to. I ain't going anywhere. Damn it, when will you realize that?" He released her and started his van.
He pulled out and drove in silence but she could tell he was pissed off at her, and she could tell she was on his way to his place. Amanda turned and looked out her side window and bounced her head off of it a few times, sharply. The pain helped clear away the confusion and he cursed again and pulled her close to him as he drove.
Amanda could feel the anger radiating off of him, and the hurt. She hurt him. How? She didn't mean to or want to hurt him. He had been so caring today, so helpful. She hated her weakness and fear. She hated her mother for making her the way she is. She hated the fact that she couldn't or maybe it was, wouldn't change. She needed to change. Amanda didn't want to end up dead at thirty-eight by her own hand because living was just too damn hard. No. she wouldn't do that.
She took a deep breath and melted into Taylor. "I'm sorry if I hurt you. I'm not very good at this, Taylor. No one has ever really showed me any attention and the ones that have were slime balls. All I can tell you is that I'll try,"
"That's good enough for me. For now." Taylor parked and hurried around the other side to help her out.
Amanda stood in front of a medium sized, three-story house and sighed. "Is this yours?" She muttered, completely blown away by the size of it. She expected an apartment, maybe a small row house but nothing like this.
"Yeah, it was my parent's house…" He watched her, greatly please at her reaction to his place. It was a pretty nice neighborhood and he had a decent size yard where Lissa could play. The school was safe and highly rated. He was shocked at how much he wanted that for her, for them. At how much he wanted to share his life, his house with them.
Amanda blinked and felt sick to her stomach. His place was beautiful and she was stuck living in a shit hole. She had him over to her shit hole of an apartment. Did he laugh at her when he left? She didn't think so but she hoped he didn't see her as a charity case.
"I haven't used most of the space since they died. Come on," he said and grabbed her hand. "Let's get some dinner."
He led her into his house and she looked around and took a deep breath. It smelled like him but that is where the similarities ended. The kitchen was painted a light yellow with white trim. It was airy and feminine with soft lace curtains and matching tablecloth. She hoped his mother did that because she didn't want to hunt down some bitch that was responsible for it.
Her thoughts shocked her. She had never felt jealousy over a man before but the thought of other women in Taylor's life enraged her. Again, something else to obsess over later.
His living room was done in large, black leather chairs and sofas. He had a huge flat-screen TV hung on the wall and black and white vintage photos of the city and what she would guess to be Italy on the wall. The only color in the room was a deep red that wound its way here and there.
This she could see being him. His tastes. It was the complete opposite of the kitchen. The other rooms reflected different tastes as well and she could tell which ones he was responsible for and which was his parents.
"Your house is beautiful, Taylor." She said with a smile when he handed her a glass of wine.
"Thanks," he muttered happily as he looked around. He could see her there with him. Lissa running through with her friends, making noise. Laughing and carrying on about boys. That brought him up short. No fuckin' way. He growled without realized it. No way is a pimply face little fuck getting his hands on Lissa. No fuckin' way.
"Taylor?" Amanda's voice broke him out of his musing and he laughed at himself. "Are you ok?" she asked, setting down her glass and walking over to him.
He looked at her, shook his head and took a deep breath. He was fighting the words. He wanted to tell her that he loved her so badly but he was scared. Taylor Reese scared of a tiny woman standing in his house, looking at him like he was just a little bit crazy. Maybe he was. He had to be, it was the only explanation.
"Damn it Amanda, you can't look at me that way." He said, taking a step toward her.
What was he talking about? What way was she looking at him, "What way, Taylor?"
"Like I'm crazy. Like I scare you,"
"You do." She smiled and tossed her hair back over her shoulder.
"Fuck, and don't do that," he muttered standing right in front of her now.
"Do what?"
"Look all innocent and sexy. Amanda," he sighed, "When will you let yourself love me?"
"I told you Taylor, I don't know how." She said and tried to move away from him.
He stopped her with a hand on the small of her back, "Yes you do. I see it in your eyes when you look at me."
"Thought you said that was fear?"
"Fear, love. Almost the same thing." He whispered as he licked his lips and lowered his head to hers.
"Not quite," she breathed as he lowered his lips to hers.
His lips brushed over hers, just a teasing stroke and she shuttered, "Taylor, what are you doing?" she asked. She was scared, though she knew he wouldn't physically hurt her but she was also starting to realize that she couldn't deny him anything. She'd give him whatever he wanted just to see him smile and watch his eyes turn to molten chocolate.
"I love you, Amanda," he whispered, surprising them both.
"Taylor, don't. Don't tease me; please don't say that to me." Her voice held panic when she spoke, and hope.
He didn't release her, "I'm not teasing you. I love you, Amanda. I want to make love to you. I want you in my house, in my bed. I want Lissa here."
"Stop," She cried and tried to squirm away.
"No, stop fighting me, fighting us or this. I want you so bad," he told her before he kissed her deeply and scattered her thoughts.
"Stop, Taylor please. I can't give you what you want." She told him as she felt herself pressed up against the kitchen counter. She was almost in full state of panic now. It wasn't really fear that had scared her it was the absence of it that frightened her. She wanted him, wanted this.
If she gave in now, she would never get away, she knew it. As it was, she wasn't sure she could leave him now. Could she let herself go, let herself fall for him all the way? Yes. But it didn't change what he did, who he was.
"Taylor," she said on a shuttering breath as he nibbled on her neck. "What about Lissa?"
"She can move in too. I love her as much as I do you." Taylor replied absently, completely absorbed in his meanderings.
"I need her to be safe, Taylor, she," Amanda trailed off on a gasp and then pushed him away again; well she tried to at least.
He looked up at her with annoyance. "What is the matter?" he ground out. "I'll keep her safe. No one will ever hurt her, either of you."
"And what about your work, Taylor? What about that?" Amanda asked, scared out of her mind. This was it. Did he love them enough to change?
"Fuck! How can you think about this shit now?"
"It's all I think about, Taylor. I need to know she will be safe before I take one more step with you. You're a dangerous man. Your work,"
"Has nothing to do with her!" he snapped.
"Is that what you think? Is that what Matty or Chris felt when they were growing up? What about you? Where are your parents, Taylor? What happened to them?"
He turned away from her and yelled out in frustration, "Damn it woman. How can you come in to my life and fuck it all up."
"I didn't come into your life, you forced your way into mine. I've been fighting against it every step of the way but you keep pushing and pushing. You want me? You want her? You need to prove it. I will NOT explain to her some day that you're dead because some mob related bullshit! Do you hear me? I will NOT do that to her! I won't do it to myself. You want all of me, well damn it, I want the same from you!" She told him defiantly, standing her ground. There was no give here with this.
Taylor took a deep breath, "I don't know how to do anything else, Amanda. I got nothing else."
"You're full of shit!"
"How would you know?" he yelled at her, "You don't have a fucking clue what it was like growing up. What I did for Benny how I become who I am today."
"Exactly, Taylor. That's what scares me, can't you see that? I want Lissa to have a chance at a good life, somewhere far from the violence and death everyday. Our entire life has been spent in a shitty, run down one bedroom apartment. Hardly being able to buy food and clothes. I want more for her,"
"So do I,"
"I want more for you too, Taylor." She stomped her foot, "Damn it," she muttered as tears pricked her eyes. "What did you have to do this to me? I was content alone and now…,"
"You love me," he said with a smile and took another step toward her.
She shook her head no and he laughed, "Yes you do. Say it. Say the words,"
"No," Amanda refused to voice them without a fight. Once they were said there was no way to take them back. No way to deny them any longer. They would be real.
Taylor raised an eyebrow and closed the distance between them, "Is that a challenge? You want me to force them out of you?" he asked seductively.
"They wouldn't be much good then, would they?" was her reply.
He growled, knowing she had a point but fuck he needed to hear those words from her. "Please, baby, tell me you love me… even if it's a lie,"
Amanda grabbed his face and looked him in the eyes, "It's not a lie, Taylor."
He looked at her, "Then say it,"
"Damn you, Taylor." She hissed.
"Not the three words I was going for," he said, making them both laugh. "It doesn't hurt that bad. I said them to you. First time ever."
She pulled back and looked at him, "really?"
He smiled, oh yeah; he had her now, "Really. I never said them to anyone but my parents. Well maybe Matty, but you get the idea. I've never loved anyone before either, Amanda. Only you. Tell me you feel the same? I need to know. You're heart isn't the only one at risk here. I don't know what I'd do if you walked away from me." He told her honestly. He would be empty inside. He may not have known her that long but he loved her completely.
"You're killing me," She muttered, took a deep breath and said what he was longing to hear, "I love you, Taylor."
He let himself go, totally giving her all of him as he kissed her deep. His heart pounded, his cock twitched and his head felt dizzy. "I love you too, Amanda. Now let me show you how much," he whispered as he picked her up and carried her upstairs.