Epilogue (Epilogue!)

Nathan

(See also Nate, Nathon, Nathen)

A name of Hebrew origin, meaning He gave.

The sun streamed down, bright and warm on her face. She closed her eyes and turned her face up to the sky, as a cool breeze blew over her, ruffling her shoulder length dark hair. Nathan was playing happily on the sand beside her, digging with his bright green shovel with a childish intensity. He chattered happily to himself as he busily dug the sand up and added it to the small pile beside him. Shilo leant back on her elbows watching him with an aching fondness. The sky was clear, and the late afternoon sun illuminated the soft sand of the beach with a pure intensity. The waves were gentle, rippling only just slightly to lap the shore and recede again. The water was such such a deep blue, the sea air fresh and sharp. Shilo watched little Nathan play, feeling her heart swell with pride at the thought that he would start school in a few months. He was a thoughtful boy, but also curious and bright. Dark tousled hair, and the palest green eyes framed with dark lashes. Shilo knew, that he would look just like her father when he grew up. She could see it in his face. She wondered if he would have glasses.

Presently she looked down at her hands, at the thick envelope clutched in her hands. Her hands were shaking a little, she now realised. She took a deep breath and exhaled slowly. It had been so many years. Nearly seven, in fact. And still this envelope remained unopened. She traced her name, written in her father's untidy scrawl. Quintessential doctor, really. She looked over at her son, still happily playing. You would not know now to look at him what a sick baby he had once been. The only evidence of the two surgeries that had been performed on him, to fix the heart defect he had been born with, was the scar that ran down his chest, white now but still distinct. Really, it could have been so much worse. She remembered the weeks spent in constant fret and worry as his tiny body fought for life, and she could only watch him through glass. The day when she had finally been able to hold him, had finally let herself exhale. She felt as if she had aged terribly in that time, grown far beyond her years. Motherhood had been a constant battle, and so lonely at times she had wanted to give up. And then his eyes had turned that pale green, and she had been filled with such an aching sorrow, yet such a profound love. She realised, it must have been how her father had felt, every time he looked at her.

She looked back at the letter again, slowly tearing it open. The paper was so old now, crumpled from being kept in drawers, clutched at, never opened. Just stared at. She felt hot tears spring to her eyes as the paper tore.

And she read, the aged paper crinkling in her shaking hands.

My dearest Shilo,

For a long time I avoided entertaining the thought of writing you something like this. Truth be told, perhaps I even made myself believe I would never need to. I like to imagine you will read this as a grown woman, as old as I am now or older. Perhaps everything will be different then.

But I feel tired. I feel the years catching up with me. I dream of your mother, and she calls to me. I cannot express how torn it leaves me feeling, to want to be with her so much again. Yet I don't ever want to leave you, precious. I want to be with you, always. I would do anything to stay, to be with you forever. I miss her so much, yet love you so much. You truly are everything to me.

My love, there are things we cannot control or escape, and as the years roll by I become more aware of my own mortality. Perhaps for the first time, I am truly aware of it. Aware of the horrible thought that I will not always be with you. That someday I won't be able to care for you. But you are stronger than you know, please believe me when I say that.

You never had a normal life. For that I am sorry. Please know that everything I did, I had only the best intentions. Please believe me, Shilo. We were never like other families and you knew this to be true. I did not think it possible for me to love anyone as much as I love you. When I lost your mother I didn't think I had any love left to give. Until I saw you smile.

Sometimes I think I should have done so many things differently. I have many regrets. Please know that you were the one thing I never doubted, in all of it, the only person who has mattered to me since Marni died. And I may have projected all of my needs onto you; perhaps I loved you too much.

Forgive me, Shilo.

And on that sun drenched beach, Shilo blinked back tears. For she had forgiven him for everything a very long time ago. And she knew, that soon it would be time to go back to that huge, industrial city once more. To join the revolt against Geneco, to join the ranks of the protesters fighting for change. Shilo knew that she was ready now, and that soon she would join the fight. Rebellion was beginning, change was rearing its head. After so many years worshipping Geneco, the people had finally begun to question their saviour, to really pay attention to the God they had created. Shilo looked at Nathan and put her arm around him, pulling him into a close hug, his soft hair brushing her chin, smelling of soap and conditioner.

And she smiled.

[end]