Lessons Learned from Loneliness
Chapter 7
By late afternoon, Voyager had slipped its moorings and was flying past a local concentration of star clusters on its way into the darker reaches of deep space. Tom finished his shift on the bridge and handed off to his relief.
Tom and B'Elanna had made plans to share an early dinner in her quarters. B'Elanna wasn't yet ready to talk about recent events with Max. But over dinner she did tell Tom stories about her time with Max at the academy.
She'd broken up with Max one evening while they were out walking. She'd discovered that he had 'borrowed' one of her projects, 'forgotten' to give her credit for her work, and then let his professor continue to believe that her work was his own. She'd developed a pretty low opinion of him by then. But then Max had taken off his sweater so she could wear it home because it was getting chilly and he knew that she felt the cold more than he did. It didn't make her rethink her decision to break up with him. But it did make her wonder if she'd ever really figure him out.
It was the Max who had sacrificed his own comfort so that she could be warm that she allowed herself to remember when she'd met up with him again on Voyager. Maybe she just didn't want to dwell on his failings, not after she'd lost so many others from the Alpha quadrant.
At this point in her reminiscing, B'Elanna decided that she had spent enough time talking about Max for one day and changed the subject. She didn't want to go any deeper into her relationship with Max yet, at least not with Tom. She didn't want to tell Tom about her concern that there was some kind of flaw in her character that led her to choose a guy like Max, a person with so little honor. She didn't want to say anything that might give Tom the idea that she put him into the same category as Max, that she in any way questioned her judgment in choosing to be with Tom, that there was any doubt in her mind about his honor. She wouldn't do that to Tom. He had worked so hard and sacrificed so much to prove to himself that he did have honor.
Tom sat on his side of the table and watched as B'Elanna put away the past. He was sure that she had more to say. But he knew she wasn't going to tell him any more tonight, and at least this had been a start. They spent the rest of their evening together sitting comfortably over the crumbs of their meal, sharing their day. Then Tom helped B'Elanna clean up and he returned to his own quarters.
Tom's workday wasn't over yet. Once he collected his medical equipment he headed off to Holodeck Two.
"Tom, wait up!" Harry Kim called as he rushed to catch up with Tom.
Tom stopped in the corridor to wait for Harry, his first and best friend on Voyager. Harry had a huge grin on his face. When he caught up to Tom, it looked like he just couldn't stop smiling.
"You look remarkably cheerful for someone who spent the last few days confined to quarters," Tom commented.
"Are you kidding?" Harry asked. "It was great. With Baytart busy around the ship or off on shore leave, I got to practice my clarinet any time I wanted without him banging on the bulkhead."
Tom chuckled at his friend's view of his restriction to quarters.
"What about you? What did you do with your time?" Harry asked when they resumed walking.
"I did some research for a project that I'm working on for the crew."
"A new holoprogram?"
"No. For now I'm sticking with activities and games that they can play outside the holodeck, like that puzzle that I brought on board."
Harry shook his head at that one. He remembered too well the long hours he'd spent trying to solve 'Sheer Lunacy'. He could only imagine what Tom had in mind to top that one. "So," he said, "are you going to give me details?"
"Soon," Tom promised. "I'm only in the early stages of my research. I've been looking at twentieth century activities that had a broad appeal in their day and could easily be adapted for shipboard use. I've got two in mind at the moment, 'Parcheesi' and 'Ping-Pong'.
"'Parcheesi and Ping-Pong'? Where do you get these names, Tom? 'Parcheesi' sounds like a version of parrises squares with a cold and 'Ping-Pong' sounds like some kind of Earth-Asian food."
Tom laughed. "I'll fill you in later. Right now I'm still on duty. Marika Wilkarah," he explained, holding up his medical case.
"That's too bad," Harry sympathized. "I was looking for you because Dalby offered to buy us a round of synthehol beer. He's up in the mess hall now. I thought we should take him up on his offer before he changes his mind."
"Dalby?" Tom couldn't contain his surprise. "What's got him so generous to bridge officers all of a sudden?"
Harry grinned again. "Dalby's still pumped up about the fight on the station. He said that he hasn't had an excuse to let loose like that in a long time. He wants us to give him the heads up next time we decide to start a brawl."
Tom's eyes twinkled, but he said, "The Captain let us off easy this time. I don't think we should press our luck. I'll have to pass on the beer for now too." He stopped in front of the doors to Holodeck Two.
Harry stopped with him and nodded toward the holodeck. "Need any help?" he asked.
"Probably," Tom admitted. "But I don't want her to think that she's being ambushed by a crowd. Doc really needs me to get these medical readings. I appreciate the offer though."
"Any time, good buddy." Harry clapped Tom on the shoulder. "You know where to find me if you change your mind."
"Thanks, Harry."
Tom stepped inside the holodeck to find an old, familiar program up and running. Beside the pool table Gaunt Gary had taken his jacket off for the shot that he was lining up. He interrupted his aim long enough to nod to Tom before getting back to business. At a table near the fireplace the gigolo was wooing his chosen lady. He didn't waste any attention on Tom. He clasped his lady's hand warmly to make sure that she didn't waste any of her attention on Tom either.
The customers at the tables were thirsty and the waiters were busy. The bartender worked virtually nonstop to load tray after tray. Each one went off to its intended table heavy with glasses of beer and wine.
On the dance floor, couples were swept up in swirling circles that matched the smooth cadence of the soft music. The music masked any gaps left between laughing voices and the clinking of glasses. All seemed lighthearted, welcoming and alive.
A closer look revealed to Tom that the customers tonight were all characters from the holoprogram. The only exception sat alone at the table farthest from the door. Even in this sham reality Marika Wilkarah was watching others and trying to avoid being watched in turn. Tom detoured around the dancing couples to reach her table. He sat down to run his scans without waiting for an invitation, or for a rejection.
"I see you've discovered Sandrine's," he commented neutrally as he began his work.
Marika considered his words carefully to see if there was a hidden message in there somewhere. Finally she chose to speak. "This is one of your programs, isn't it?" she asked.
"It's one of the very first that I programmed on Voyager," he explained, checking his readings. "I haven't seen this many characters from the holoprogram for quite a while, though," he commented, looking up to catch her reaction.
She shrugged. "It fills the space. Sometimes it's easier when there's a crowd."
"Yeah," he agreed. "Being alone isn't always all it's made out to be, is it?" Tom retrieved a hypospray from his case and set it on the table between them.
There was something in his tone that made Marika examine him more closely. He seemed to be intently studying the hypospray that he had just placed on the table, or maybe he was staring right through it at something that was much farther away.
Several minutes passed before Tom picked up the hypospray again. "When I first came on Voyager, I wasn't exactly everyone's favorite person," he told Marika as he prepared to administer her required dose.
"Because of Caldik Prime," she guessed, accepting the medication.
"Because of that and other things too," he admitted, long past hiding the truth. "After I was kicked out of Starfleet, I let myself drift. It was pretty much downhill all the way. I got picked up by the Maquis to work for them. But I didn't make myself popular there either. I eventually ended up in prison. That's where I was when Captain Janeway recruited me for the mission to the Badlands. I was only an observer at first. It wasn't until we were stranded out here that I got to fly again. Just because I was a part of the crew didn't mean that I was part of the crew, you know?"
She nodded.
"Back then it was a relief to have a place like this," he said, gesturing in the direction of the holocharacters who filled the room. "I could fit in without anyone noticing that I didn't belong."
She looked down at her hands. "I thought that I was the only one who felt that way."
"Hiding in a crowd," he said, remembering those days. "Is that what you're doing?"
She nodded slowly. "When your Doctor severed my link to the others, I wanted to stay on a Federation ship. I wanted to spend my days in the kind of place where I was last fully Bajoran. But it isn't the same. I don't belong here the way I did on the Excalibur. In some ways, being here on Voyager makes it worse."
"I know," he said. "When I was in prison, all the things that I'd lost were out of sight and out of reach. So I could let myself go numb. Then when I came on Voyager, everything was all around me again. But I couldn't touch any of it. I had to stand by and watch others live a life that I could never have anymore." He looked at her earnestly. "It doesn't have to be that way for you. You don't have to be alone on Voyager."
"I don't know these people!" she threw at him, angry again. "They can't replace…" She stopped and lowered her eyes before she could betray herself.
He understood anyway. "They can't replace the ones that you lost," he finished for her. "They can't replace the ones who left you behind when they went off to live the rest of their lives somewhere else."
She nodded again, her throat tight.
Tom's own voice was thick with remembered pain when he went on. "At Caldik Prime, three of my closest friends died. In a moment they were just, gone. And it was my fault. I thought that I would never have friends like them again, that no-one could ever replace them." He was quiet for a moment. "And I was right."
She was startled into looking up. She had expected platitudes and assurances that everyone could make new friends. This caught her off guard.
He shook his head at her expression. "You can't replace people the way you can replicate a new set of clothes. No one can ever take their place. No one will ever mean exactly the same to me as they did. But, in time I was able to let myself make new friends. Not to replace the ones that I'd lost," he explained. "But people who are special to me because of who they are."
"I don't think that I'm in a position to make many life-long friendships on Voyager," she said bitterly, staring down at the table again.
"It only takes one friend to stop being alone. Harry Kim was my first friend when I came on Voyager. I'm here for you, if you'd like a friend," he offered.
When she didn't answer he tilted his head to catch her gaze. Smiling softly, he added, "If you're not interested in a life-long friendship, my feelings won't be hurt if you break up with me later."
She laughed in pure reflex at his outrageousness.
"All it takes is one friend," he reminded her. "Then it's not so hard to live with the pain."
"Is it?" she asked him, sincerely wanting to know. "Can you live with the pain?"
"Yes," he said. "The pain doesn't go away. But when there are other things to fill your life too, it gets easier to go on."
"Even when all I have left is a few weeks?" she persisted in asking.
"When I first came on Voyager, the mission was only supposed to last a few weeks," he explained. "I know that's not the same thing as you're facing now. But a few weeks was all the time I thought I had to be close to anything worthwhile again."
She closed her eyes and took a deep breath.
"I guess you just have to choose how you're going to live the life that you do have," he said. "It's not something that anyone else can decide for you."
She slowly opened her eyes and this time looked right into his. "What did you say your friend's name was?"
"Harry?" He was not quite sure where she was heading with her question and his answer held a question of his own.
"Harry," she repeated, trying out the name. "I think I'd like to meet Harry."
"I think I can arrange that." Tom smiled. He made good on his offer by reaching out to help her to her feet.
Marika stood beside him to take one last look at all the empty images that filled the space around her. "Computer, end program," she stated decisively.
The vibrant atmosphere of Sandrine's with all its colorful patrons faded out of existence, to be replaced by blank walls crisscrossed with bright yellow lines. The actual appearance of the holodeck was stark. But it was real.
Tom crooked his arm and Marika slipped her hand under it. Then she walked out of the holodeck with him, to live the life that she had left - among friends.
Author's Notes:
The episode, Barge of the Dead, immediately follows the episode, Survival Instinct. I thought there might still be some spill-over for B'Elanna from her meeting with Max in Equinox - unresolved issues about his character and his death - when she faced the possibility of her mother's death and the questions around her own honor in Barge of the Dead. By giving B'Elanna concerns about her judgment in choosing one man without honor, it provided a reason better than the rather lame comment, "next time", for her to shut Tom out of her quest.