Chapter Five: I Hate the Med Ward

"Tomorrow is too soon for you, my dear; I push you so far away; When all I do is want you near..."

O.A.R., "Short a Try"

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"I can't believe you brought me flowers," Leia laughed, weakly, as Luke handed her a pale pink bouquet of Santee lilies. He shrugged and gave her a sheepish smile.

"I don't think you get enough flowers."

She nodded.

"Well that's true."

Luke sat down in the chair next to her bed and took her hand, the one not connected to all the tubes, in his.

"How are you feeling?"

Leia sighed and considered the question for a moment. The truth was she never even really felt sick. She remembered feeling unwell on Ryquin but attributed to both lack of sleep and the gruesome scenery. The next thing she realized, she was waking up to the harsh light of the med center and being told by Two-Onebee that she had been in an out of consciousness for the last twelve days. Mostly, she was drained, exhausted, as if the sleeping she'd done had only tired her further.

"Fine," she said, quietly. "How long have you been here?"

"Not long," he replied. "Actually, we just got back from the Middle Rim and I came as soon as I heard."

"Oh, right. How did that go?"

"We won, I think."

She raised an eyebrow.

"No, we won. I know that. But I'm pretty sure we're going to have to move off-world before too much longer. I did some scouting with a Wedge and Wes. I think that we may have found a good place to set up base. It's an ice planet in the Outer Rim with no indigenous human life."

"Hoth?"

Luke nodded and Leia waved away the conversation with her other hand.

"I don't want to talk about the war right now. Tell me, Luke, how are you doing?"

Luke frowned a little at her question. He didn't want to admit it, mainly because he was sure it was an emotion a budding Jedi wasn't supposed to acknowledge, but he was jealous. He had jumped at the opportunity to help Leia when she asked him to join the aid mission and was more than slightly disappointed when the Rogues were called out to fight and prevented him from going. The two of them had become close, conversing most often after Leia and Han argued, but Luke felt that their friendship was still just that. He had hoped that the aid mission would afford them an opportunity to advance their relationship further, but he was never given the chance. No, instead he was called out on duty and Han was there, yet again, as the princess' bold and fearless rescuer. It had been the second time in less than a year, third if he counted the older man's running blindly, blaster blazing, after a group of Stormtroopers on the Death Star. Luke wanted so badly to be Leia's savior, but it was Han who had refused to leave her feverish side on the three-day voyage back to Santee. Luke was beginning to wonder if the Force had other plans for him and the princess that he found so beautiful and yet so familiar.

"I'm okay," he said finally. "A little sad. Ben."

"Oh." She looked away. The first anniversary of Obi-Wan Kenobi's death was fast approaching, and Luke was still struggling to understand the loss of his mentor. Of course, the anniversary of Kenobi's death was also the same as the destruction of Alderaan, a memory that, for a moment, Leia had blissfully forgotten. Luke immediately realized what he had said as the kind smile on her face was replaced by the stoic armor that she wore so often. He mentally cursed himself for being so stupid.

"Oh, Leia, I'm sorry!"

"Ah, what'd you do now, Kid?" Han laughed as he entered the room. Leia suddenly found herself grateful for the distraction. He looked towards her and smiled, helping himself to a seat on the edge of her bed instead of opting for a chair as Luke had done.

"Well, Your Worship! Nice of you to join us."

Luke stood up and kissed her cheek.

"I've got a debriefing in ten minutes. I'll be back later."

She smiled.

"Bye, Luke."

"See ya, Junior," Han added as he turned to Leia. "How are you feeling, Princess?"

"Okay. Fine. I'm feeling fine, thank you."

"You had us scared there for a little while. Your fever was high the entire trip back in spite of the medicine and the medics here threatened to put you in a cooling tank if it didn't come down by today."

"I don't remember taking any medicine," she said, idly.

"You didn't want it," he shrugged.

Her eyes widened and flew to him. She remembered something, and from the accusatory tone in her voice, Han knew she hadn't remembered something happy.

"You injected me!"

"I had to!" He protested, arms up defensively. "Tuck Ello gave it to me. You would have died without it."

Leia stiffened visibly for a moment and then relaxed as she regarded the statement.

"I'm sorry, Han. I just...I just don't like needles."

He rewarded her with a crooked grin.

"How about that? Her Highnessness is apologizing? What have they got you on?"

"Whatever it is, I should slip some in your kaffe."

They were quiet for a moment as Leia played with the edge of her blanket at Han watched her carefully. The color had returned to her face in the past few days and she looked much healthier than even before they departed for Ryquin. He had stayed by her side through the entire journey back to Santee and had visited her in the med ward as often as Two-Onebee had allowed. Though she had awoken several times to find him there, her sentences had been nearly incoherent and he doubted she remembered any of their interaction during her fever.

Still, something she had said bothered him.

"I wanted them to kill me," she mumbled. Her eyes were shut tightly and her forehead was glistening with sweat, but she was facing him and had taken his hand before she said it, as if she wanted to make sure he heard. "I didn't want to live anymore."

From what Han could gather, the princess was haunted by whatever tortures she had endured while imprisoned on the Death Star. He'd seen some physical evidence as they fled Yavin, but he was sure that five cuts, no matter how painful they had been, could not have alone caused the psychological distress she had revealed in her fever. It gave him serious pause. Leia, from what he could tell, was so devoted to the Alliance. She believed wholeheartedly in its values and had suffered so much just to ensure its protection. He was positive that the horrors to which she had been subjected would have been enough to drive a lesser person to immobility, depression, maybe suicide. But then, she was so strong, so resolute. Han respected few people. He respected Chewie and Rieekan and Luke and several of the other soldiers whom he had befriended. But, while she was in her sickbed, he realized that he respected Leia more than all of them combined.

"Leia? What happened to you on the Death Star?"

She froze, horrified that he would even ask such a question.

"What?"

"It's just that you talked about it a lot while you were sick."

Her eyes narrowed and a stony expression settled on her face. He recognized what was coming next. Leia had a knack for pushing him away if he tried to get too close. Clearly, Han realized, he had said the wrong thing.

"Why are you here, Han?"

His brow furrowed, confused.

"I heard you were awake. I wanted to come see how you were feeling."

She shook her head.

"No, why are you here? Still? Why did you stay with us?"

"What, with the Alliance?"

"Yes."

He shrugged.

"I thought you could use a friend."

"I have plenty of friends, Captain."

Han crossed his arms and stood up, facing her squarely.

"Who? High Command? They aren't your friends, Princess. All they care about is whether or not you're fit to lead."

"I have an important job to do!"

"What, leading this crazy war?"

"You don't even believe in this war!"

"No, I don't!"

They were shouting now, and Leia sat up quickly. It proved to be a mistake as pain shot through her head and she was forced to lay back against the pillows. The anger, however, did not leave her eyes.

"Do you believe in anything, Han?" She asked quietly, coldly.

"Why the hell does that matter?" He answered, his tone matching hers.

Their staring match punctuated by the sound of a throat clearing as General Rieekan walked into the room.

"I'm sorry, am I interrupting anything?"

"No, General." Han said, his eyes still locked with Leia's. "I was just leaving."

The captain turned quickly on his heel and left, furious that he didn't have enough credits to pay Jabba. He would have made the jump to Tatooine that night, taking himself away from the princess and her stupid rebellion forever if only he had the money. Han offered a half-salute to Rieekan as he stormed out the door and the older man took a seat in the chair Luke had recently vacated. Leia watched as Han stalked out of the room, then turned a weary gaze to Rieekan.

"What was that all about?" The general asked.

Leia closed her eyes and shook her head, frustrated with herself for doing nothing but push Han further and further away. She sighed.

"I just don't know."