Disclaimer: Nothing is ours. Except for the disastrous plot.

Chapter 7

"WHAT!" bellowed Snape, as Filch informed him of Goyle's cheating. "I simply do not believe it! My Gregory would not cheat on me! Get out of my office you silly man!"

"But Severus, it is true," said Filch. "I caught them in the broom cupboard!"

Snape was about to speak when Crabbe and Goyle rushed in, both looking flustered.

"Gregory!" cried Snape. "Tell me it is not true! Look me in the eyes and tell me that Filch is wrong! You and Crabbe are not seeing each other, are you?"

Gregory looked at his feet.

"I am sorry, my love," he said in a low voice.

Snape began to wail.

"Get out!" he spluttered between sobs. "Get out! I never want to see you again!"

Goyle burst into tears and ran out. Crabbe glanced at Filch.

"Filchy," he began, but Filch held his hand up.

"Do not speak to me," he said, his head turned away from Crabbe. "We are finished. "In fact, I have moved on. Me and Snapey are now dating."

Snape ceased crying at once.

"W – what? But – " he spluttered. Filch shot him a warning look.

"Yes, we're now seeing each other, aren't we, Snape?"

Snape decided to play along.

"Y-yes," he stuttered.

Crabbe's eyes burned with jealousy.

"Filchy – please!"

"Get out!" shouted Filch.

Crabbe left, bawling his eyes out.

That night, Snape and Filch decided to comfort each other in more ways than one.

"Love stinks," said Harry, to the portrait of the Fat Lady.

"Why? I thought you were happy with ferret boy?" said Ron.

"No Ron, that's the password. Love stinks."

"Too right it does," said the Fat Lady, and let them inside.

They walked over to some squishy armchairs and sat down.

"I still don't know what you see in him," said Ron.

"Drop it," said Harry through gritted teeth.

"But Malfoy of all people. Why couldn't you have picked someone else?"

"I love him, Ron."

"What's there to love? He's a bleachy haired idiot. And he's a Slytherin. Why didn't you pick someone else?"

"Why don't you shut up?" snarled Harry and stomped upstairs.

Draco stared at the letter that his owl had just brought him. His eye still throbbed from where the Weasel had punched him earlier. He tore open the letter.

Draco

I have filed for divorce. I've given your father one hour to gather his stuff and get the hell out of this manor.

Mummy

Five minutes later another owl flew in.

Draco

The manor is mine. Your bitch of a mother isn't getting anything from me. She can piss off and find somewhere else to live. Me and Dobby shall live in peace once she is gone.

Daddy

Another owl flew in.

Fuck off, you ungrateful shit of a husband! This manor is mine, mine, mine. You can take your elf and go and live with that bald headed, red eyed twerp that you worship so much!

Fuck you, bitch. I'm staying. Go shag Arthur Weasley or something.

Get lost, bleached haired bastard!

Stupid cow!

Stupid bastard!

You shall not insult Lucy! Dobby will not allow it!

Draco sighed and chucked the letters into the fire. Could things get any worse than this? A squeal answered his question. He turned around and nearly screamed.

Pansy Parkinson was standing there in her dressing gown, her face green from some disgusting face pack that she had smeared on.

"Drraaaakkkeeeeyyyyyyyy! You're back! How was your Christmas? I missed you!"

She threw her arms round Draco's neck.

"Fucking hell Parkinson! You scared the shit out of me!"

"Give us a kiss!" squealed Pansy, leaning in towards Draco, who was trying desperately not to throw up from the smell of the disgusting mixture on her face.

"Fuck off!" he said through gritted teeth and pushed her off.

But Pansy wouldn't give up. Instead she jumped on Draco, and began showering him with kisses. Draco suddenly wanted to cry. His father had ran off with the family house elf, his mother wanted to end the marriage, and to top it all, he now had an ugly green faced monster kissing him.

Suddenly Crabbe and Goyle burst through the door.

"This is your fault!" bellowed Crabbe. "If you hadn't seduced me, I would still have my Filchy!"

"You went along with it!" shouted Goyle. "You wanted it as much as I did!"

"Will you two idiots quit arguing and get this – thing – off me?" said Draco, slapping Pansy's hand away from his hair.

Crabbe and Goyle rushed over and pulled Pansy away from Draco.

"I'm going to remove my face mask," squealed Pansy. "Then I'll come down and you can see my true beauty. Bye bye Drakey!"

Draco groaned and put his head in his hands.

"What's the matter, Draco?" said Goyle, sitting down beside him and throwing daggers at Crabbe.

"Nothing you two goons would understand," spat Draco. "Why are you arguing anyway?"

"He lost me my Filchy!" said Crabbe, pointing at Goyle and stamping his foot.

"What the fuck is a Filchy?" said Draco, his eyebrows furrowed in confusion. Then he realised. "Oh right. You mean Filch. Why, what's happened?"

"He seduced me!" said Crabbe. "There I was, walking along, looking for my Filchy, and Gregory jumped out and kissed me! Then he pulled me into a broom cupboard and –"

"Don't even bother finishing that sentence, Crabbe. I don't want to hear about your shagfest with Goyle. I've got enough on my plate."

"Plate?" said Goyle, his eyes lighting up. "Have you got some food, then?"

"No you twit," snapped Draco. "I'm going to bed. See you two goons in the morning."

Draco stomped upstairs. He was very near the top when Pansy jumped out and grabbed him.

"Not again! Parkinson will you just leave me the fuck alone!"

"Stop denying your love for me, Drakey," said Pansy. "Everyone knows you want me to be your wife."

Draco snorted and shoved her off. That was it. He'd had enough.

"When will you get it through your thick head that I can't stand you? How many times do I have to tell you to "fuck off" before you actually leave me alone? I don't like you. I've never liked you. You're an annoying pug-nosed bitch. Now get the hell away from me. Don't come near me ever again. Understood?"

Pansy stood there. Draco rolled his eyes, expecting her to burst into tears. Instead, her mouth curved into a smirk. She reached inside her robe and pulled out her wand. Draco crossed his arms, a smirk spreading across his face.

"Oh please, Parkinson. You think I'm scared of what you'll do? You're about as skilled as Crabbe and Goyle when it comes to casting spells. Tell me, what exactly do you plan on doing to me?"

Pansy continued to smirk and pointed her wand at Draco.

"Petrificus Totallus!"

Draco barely had a moment to register what was happening before he became as stiff as a board and fell backwards. Pansy leaned over him.

"Oh Draco," she sighed. "You know I love you. I'm going to get you, no matter what. You aren't going anywhere. Tonight you're mine."

And with that she took Draco's feet and pulled him into her dormitory. Draco once again felt like crying.

Harry made his way to the Slytherin common room. He'd tried to get to sleep but it wouldn't work. He couldn't stop thinking about Draco, and so had decided to visit him. He didn't bother wearing his invisibility cloak, he didn't care if anyone saw him. He just wanted to see his Draco.

He muttered the password to the Slytherin Common room (Draco had told it to him) and stepped inside. He expected Draco to be there. He got a shock at what he saw.

Crabbe and Goyle were on one of the sofas, tearing each other's clothes.

"Ohhhhh, admit it, Vincent! Even though you love Filchy, you still can't resist my gorilla charms and bristly hair!"

"You are right Gregory! Let us make sweet love on this very sofa!"

"Oh Crabby Wabby, how I long to see your curves!"

Harry pulled a face and sneaked past the very busy couple. He figured Draco would be in the dormitory, so he headed up there. He stopped when he heard a noise coming from the girls' dormitory.

"Ohhhhhhhh Drakey! How I've longed for this moment!"

Harry's heart suddenly began to beat five times faster. Reluctantly, he pushed the dormitory door open and gasped at what he saw. Pansy was currently removing Draco's clothes, and something that looked suspiciously like a jar of jam was sitting on her bedside table.

Harry clenched his fists. He rushed over to Pansy and pulled her off Draco, then pulled out his wand.

"What the fuck is going on?" he asked dangerously.

Pansy sighed and waved her wand at Draco, releasing the spell she had placed on him.

Draco immediately shot up off the bed.

"Don't listen to anything she says," he snarled. "I was walking to the dormitory and she ambushed me. Then she cast Petrificus Totallus and dragged me in here. This has nothing to do with me."

Harry eyed him suspiciously.

"He's lying!" said Pansy, flicking her hair aside. "He was all over me! He told me that he's always loved me! He grabbed me on my way upstairs and told me he wanted to make sweet love to me."

"You lying bitch!" shouted Draco. "Harry, I – "

But Draco was cut off as Harry's fist connected with his jaw. Draco looked up, shocked.

"What the fuck was that for?" he said, rubbing his jaw.

"You think I'm stupid?" snarled Harry. "I've just caught you in bed with Parkinson and you expect me to think that everything's ok?"

"But she made me stiff!" said Draco, referring to the Petrificus Totallus spell that Pansy had used. Harry, however, took this completely the wrong way.

"I bet she fucking did!" he shouted. "So she turns you on, does she?"

"I didn't mean it like that! I – "

"Fuck off, Malfoy, I don't believe you. You're a waste of space. I could've had such a better Christmas. It was a disaster at yours. I could've stayed at the burrow. At least there aren't any elf shaggers there!"

Draco let out a yell of fury and punched Harry.

"You fucking shithead!" he bellowed. "You'll pay for saying that, Potter!"

Pansy squealed as the two boys punched each other, and it was only broken up by Millicent Bulstrode, who managed to pull both of them apart with her manly arms.

"We're finished," spat Harry. "You're a dirty cheat and I don't ever want to see you again, you filthy ferret."

"Fine," said Draco. "Your scar bugs me anyway. I was always put off by it."

"Don't you insult my scar!" said Harry, throwing his hand up to his head. "It's better than having greasy bleached hair. It was disgusting to run my hands through!"

"Yeah? Well I never really fancied you to begin with anyway."

"You liar!" yelled Harry. "You jumped at it when I told you how I felt!"

"Only because I was desperate!" said Draco.

"You bastard!" screamed Harry, and went for Draco again, but Millicent stopped him.

All was not well. After hours of fighting, Harry marched back to his dormitory. It was yet another disaster.

"GET OUT! GET OUT! GET OUT!" bellowed Voldemort, as he tipped Wormtail's belongings all over the floor of the Riddle House. "Get out of my house, you stinking cheat!"

Wormtail was cowering in a corner, McNair nearby.

"Master listen, I was angry the other day, I was just jealous that you cared more about Lucius's present than mine! Me and McNair have only been together once. It won't happen again!"

"OUT!" bellowed Voldemort. "Get out of my house you stinking rat! You vile cheat! You disgrace to wizardkind! You – "

Suddenly McNair stood up and swung his axe threateningly. As he did this Lucius appeared, dobby clinging to his side.

"What the fuck is going on?"

"I want this rat removed from my house," said Voldemort, pointing to Wormtail. "Send him out, Lucius."

Lucius sighed.

"You heard the master, Wormtail. Leave."

"Nooooooooo! Master I'm sorry! I – "

"OUT!"

Wormtail gathered up is clothes. Then he turned to McNair.

"C-come on," he said, gesturing for McNair to follow him.

"Get lost," spat McNair. "I was using you, anyway. I'm actually seeing Avery at the moment."

Wormtail howled and left the room.

Lucius turned to face Voldemort.

"I thought I'd drop by," he said, waving his snake cane. "The bitch is still begging me for a divorce, but I'd rather die before she gets her hands on my manor. I'm the one that does all the work while she sits at home on her bony arse all day."

Dobby suddenly jumped up and started smothering Lucius with kisses. Voldemort suddenly felt a surge of jealousy. He'd always had a thing for Lucius. It was the pimp cane that did it.

Voldemort's thin mouth suddenly curved into a smirk.

"Lucius," he said, "Why don't you stay here for a couple of nights? Hmm?"

"Only if Dobby can stay," said Lucius, tugging Dobby's ears.

"Very well," said Voldemort reluctantly.

"I just need a few things from the manor," said Lucius. "Come, Dobby."

He watched as Lucius apparated, and rubbed his hands together. He'd just decided that Lucius would be his, elf or no elf…

Sir Cadagon skipped along, a bouquet of flowers clutched in his hand. His jealous pony followed, trying to keep up. He reached the Fat Lady's portrait, and stepped inside.

"What the hell do you want?" asked the Fat Lady, crossing her large arms.

"Forgive me," said Sir Cadagon. "I was wrong to cheat on you! Please take me back! I love you! You are the moon, the sun, the stars, the – "

"Get lost," said the Fat Lady. "You cheated on me with Violet! How could you just expect me to take you back?"

"Please," said Sir Cadagon, kissing the Fat Lady's hand. "I will never do such a thing again!"

"The flowers are lovely though," said the Fat Lady, pulling them from him. "Okay, I'll give you one more chance, and if you mess up again, then I'll stick your visor where the sun doesn't shine!"

Sir Cadagon smiled and took the Fat Lady in his arms. She smiled as she no longer felt fat.

Harry tried desperately to stop crying but failed miserably. Eventually his curtains were pulled back, and Ron stood there looking pissed off.

"What the bloody hell is the matter with you?" he asked. "I'm trying to sleep."

Harry sniffed. Ron sat down next to him.

"What's the matter?"

Harry explained how he had found Draco and Pansy together. When he had finished, Ron jumped up.

"I told you! I told you he was a stinking ferret! He's not worth it, Harry. It's better that you've finished it! You're not the only one who's single, anyway."

Harry turned to look at him.

"What do you mean?"

"Hermione finished it with me after you left the common room. Said she wanted to spend more time with Hogwarts: A History. She was pissing me off anyway. All bloody Christmas she sat there reading it. She won't put it down. She was even reading it when she broke up with me."

"Sorry mate," muttered Harry.

"Yeah I'm pretty pissed off. But nevermind, I've got my eye on someone else."

"Who?" asked Harry with interest.

"Well, um, Harry?"

"Yeah?"

"Don't tell anyone about this."

"Go on…"

Ron put his head in his hands.

"I fancy Millicent Bulstrode!"

He squeezed his eyes shut, waiting for Harry's reaction. It didn't come. Ron opened his eyes.

Harry had fainted.

A/N. Please review this masterpiece of sillyness.