[Title card: Charlotte Haywood's Backstage Pass]

Charlotte: Welcome to 'Charlotte Haywood's Backstage Pass!'

[close-up on Charlotte's face] Hello, everyone, I'm Charlotte Bautista Haywood - you can call me Charli! We have an exciting programme today, where I'm taking you behind the scenes of the movie's filming!

Cut to Emperor's New Groove guard sitting down with a script, focusing on his lines.

Charlotte: [whispering] I don't wish to interrupt his 'process…' he's really good with his lines.

"I'm sorry - but you've thrown off the emperor's groove."

Cut to the snack table, with Sasuke and Yukimura. Yukimura is having hanami dango with green tea; Sasuke, green tea dango.

Charlotte: And here we have an array of snacks for the hungry actors to nibble on during filming. [Close-up on Yukimura] It looks like we have Yukimura-san having a few dango skewers! Prepared by Sasuke, no less - it's almost like Sasuke is his den mother! How cute…!

Yukimura looks up in surprise, flustered.

Yukimura: I never thought of Sasuke as my mother at all! Sasuke is not my motheeeeer!

Sasuke: [bemused] Sure thing.

Cut to Sayaka and Neptune, enjoying some pudding.

Charlotte: It seems these two ladies enjoy a good pudding every now and then!

Sayaka: If I can drown Kyubey in this, would it become sweeter?

Neptune: I don't know - just as long as he doesn't make a contract with it, that's fine and dandy by me. [looks over at Charlotte] Hiiii, Charlotte! Care to enjoy a few cups of pudding with me and Sayaka-chan?

Charlotte: [mock dramatically] Curses! I've been discovered! [walks over to Nep and Sayaka] Sure, why not. So, what have you two been talking about?

Neptune: Well, first off, I had this sneaking suspicion Sayaka here sounds so alike to Uni in my world, and Savyna in yours. Though Savyna's voice is a little higher pitch, due to her being younger.

Sayaka: Really? But what about it?

Neptune: Methinks this is down to who your voice actors are… even if they speak different languages, they sound so alike, it's uncanny! Perhaps you three are born to be allies of justice?

Sayaka: [gets hyped.] That would be cool. [The hype wears off] But being an ally of justice has nothing to do with our voices.

Savyna (off): I heard that!

Charlotte: [laughs, then...] So, what else is going on?

Sayaka: We're trying to figure out if someone is extracting people's brains for us to eat. [points at the pudding]

Neptune: We keep hearing the term 'pudding brains...' do you think anyone's turning our brains into pudding while we're working?

Charlotte: "No, no, no, no, shut up… what do you have for brains, pudding? Why can't I meet a decent species - 'Planet of the Pudding Brains!'" Ah, I do love Doctor Who.

Neptune: [gasps] Could it be…?

Sayaka: Charlotte is the culprit!

Neptune: [dramatically] The unthinkable has happened! My dearest friend and biggest fan has betrayed us! Why, Charlotte?! After I lent you my voice and my costume… whyyyy?!

Charlotte: Calm down, you pudding brains - I didn't do it. I bet you any money that the culprit is either the Twelfth Doctor, Davina or Homura. Or as an outside bet, Kyubey.

An argument starts about the likelihood of each person being the culprit; Charlotte escapes.

Charlotte: Phew, that was close! [pans the camera over to Santa, Rom and Yunoha] Over here, we have the adorable trio that is Santa Cassano, Rom and Yunoha Thrul. [waves to the trio] Afternoon, you three!

Santa: Hello.

Yunoha: H-Hello. [hides behind Santa]

Rom: H-Hello. [also hides behind Santa, mutters *biku biku*]

Charlotte: [nature documentary voice] Behold, the wild Rom in its natural habitat, hiding behind the foliage of a Santa Cassano alongside its partner, the wild Yunoha…

Santa: I'm not foliage!

Charlotte: I know, but it's so adorable how Rom is hiding behind you. Anyway, I just swung by to say hello - don't wanna scare the living daylights out of Rom or Yunoha. I'll be on my way!

Yunoha: Have a good day.

Rom: Goodbye.

Santa: Watch out for that tree!

Charlotte pancakes herself against a tree. Her grunt:

Charlotte: Gaza-C!

...before she pushes off said tree, and moving on.

Charlotte: And over here, we have Lyric chatting with Madoka and one of the assistant directors, Jessica, about stuff. Afternoon, you three!

Lyric: Yo!

Jessica: Heya, Charlotte.

Madoka: Hello.

Charlotte: What are you three talking about, right now?

Lyric: Madoka is describing people and I'm seeing how close I can imitate them based just on her descriptions.

Charlotte: How's Lyric doing with that? Is she like Nicia, with her 100% success rate with Santa? Or is it something dreadful, like Crystal's test scores?

Madoka: It depends on the person - she was able to get close with Homura and Mami, but didn't do as well with Sayaka-chan. Her Kyoko mimic...needs more practice.

Jessica: In short? She's doing pretty well for herself.

Charlotte: I see. Speaking of Sayaka, she and Neptune believe someone is extracting people's brains for us to eat as pudding. Madoka-chan, Jessica, Lyric, if that were happening, who would you believe is the most likely culprit?

Lyric: Otoha! She probably wants to give it to Tohma to make him like her more.

Jessica: Not too confident… definitely wouldn't be Arlene; she's too silly/weird/eccentric to do that (Have you seen her hair?! It's dyed red orange!), and she's my best friend, so that really rules it out - The Doctor, maybe?

Charlotte: That's what I thought! One of them, anyway.

Madoka: I don't know. I'd like for it to not be true.

Charlotte: The thought of pudding being made of brains is rather eerie, indeed, Madoka.

Now, let me reword it for Lyric - who of the cast here would you believe is the most likely to turn our brains into pudding to eat, if ever that were the case?

Lyric: It seems a bit too indirect for her, but Nicia might do something like that.

Charlotte: True… but I personally doubt she would do that. Me? I think it would be Sayaka. She did bring up the question of pudding brains, after all. Nep-ko would be her associate, since she loves pudding, after all. Your guys' thoughts?

Jessica: Impossible. Sayaka's an ally of justice… what right-mind would possess her to turn our brains to pudding?

Lyric: What's Sayaka's motivation for pudding-ing people though?

Charlotte: I overheard her talking about drowning Kyubey in pudding, in order to make it sweeter. I wonder if she already turnedher own brain into pudding...

Lyric: But unless she did herself first, she'd be focused on helping people which wouldn't let her pudding them. And if she did pudding herself first, she wouldn't be able to do anything because she wouldn't have a brain.

Charlotte: True, she is an ally of justice, as Jess pointed out. I guess we'll never know…

Meanwhile in the background...

Jessica's dad: Wooo!

Jim: That does it, old man! You wanna see what I can do when I get crazy!?

Jessica's dad: Woo!

Jim: Wooo!

Both repeatedly 'woo' and strut around like crazy before each others' presence, peaking at...

Jim: Woo! Woo! Woo! Woooo! Wooo! Woo! Wooo! Woo! Woo! Wooo...!

Both catch their breath for a moment, before...

Jessica's dad: ...Woooooo!

Charlotte: Mind telling you what you're doing over there, Jim?

Jessica:[covers face in shame] Ughhhh…! This always happens with my dad, no matter where he goes - someone has to engage him in a 'woo-off!'

Charlotte: My apologies, Jess. Still, this is what happens when you have an 18-time world wrestling heavyweight champion as your father.

Jessica: [chuckles] Well, if you're gonna do it, you may as well do it with Flair.

Charlotte: Well, I'm off to get some lunch! See you guys around!

Madoka, Jessica and Lyric: Bye!

[cut to the Lunch Line. At the end are Kojuro, Mami and Nacht, serving food]

Charlotte: Ooh! Looks like we're in for a real treat today - Mami's brought her homemade spaghetti, and Kojuro made his special curry, made from the vegetables from his garden! And look who's serving: it's my dearest Nacht!

[cut to Charlotte at the front of the line.]

Charlotte: Kojuro-san! Mami-san! Nacht!

Kojuro: Ah, Miss Haywood, good afternoon. How has your day been?

Charlotte: The usual - on top of that, solving the "Great Pudding Brain Mystery of 2017." Sometimes you can't solve mysteries on an empty stomach… your curry smells as delectable as ever, Kojuro - as does Mami's spaghetti!

Mami: Thanks, I'm trying out my own modification of Papyrus' recipe so I was worried that it wouldn't be liked.

Nacht: I told you there was nothing to worry about. It was a good idea and Papyrus has standards, so we don't have to worry about the base recipe.

Charlotte: Just as long as you don't end up with Mystery Food X - like Chie, Yukiko, Rise and Fuuka *shudders* - then I'm all for a few modifications to a recipe.

Kojuro: With Miss Tomoe's skill at cooking, I highly doubt that would come to be such a result.

Charlotte: Much the same with you and Tadakatsu, Kojuro. Mami, what modifications did you make?

Mami: I wanted to have a meat sauce so I'm experimenting with Nerf meat.

Charlotte: Okay, you lost me - what's a Nerf?

Kojuro: If I recall correctly, a nerf is some sort of bull-like creature in the Star Wars canon. From what I have heard, there are 1,000,000,000 ways to cook nerfs… and I'm afraid that, even with our combined manpower plus Sir Narukami and Tadakatsu, the five of us can't quite come up with all of them.

Charlotte: Perhaps Matsu can help, too… I'm sure Jamiebel would be pleased to eat the whole billion variations - that girl's like a black hole; like an appetite compared to Chie's, when it comes to meat.

Nacht: I don't know if she wants to eat nerf one billion times in a row, even if it's cooked differently each time.

Kojuro: I'm not too sure anyone has the appetite to eat one billion plates of anything; even the carnivore-incarnate, Miss Satonaka.

Charlotte: Oh, well. One plate of curry and spaghetti each, please!

Nacht: Coming up.

[after lunch]

Charlotte: (whispering) Shh! It's Davina's birthday, and we're throwing a surprise party for her… and guess who's rolling out the birthday cake! [camera pans to Mary cooking]

Mami: We'll be careful. Let us know when we're going to surprise her.

Charlotte: You got it!

Jamiebel: Davina's gonna be in for a real surprise… I'm gonna lead her to the room.

[soon]

Charlotte: Oh, Dee-jae…?

Davina: Hm?

Cast, Crew and Charlotte: Surprise! Happy birthday, Davina!

Streamers, confetti and balloons drop from the ceiling. A banner is revealed behind the birthday girl, reading "Happy 20th, Davina!" The sound of party poppers go off.

Davina: Nowaaaa! [sighs, chuckles] I almost forgot it was my birthday today…

Jamiebel: Deej, you know how you've been gushing over Mary these few weeks? Bring out the cake!

Davina: Cake? What cake?

Mary: This one. [Mary rolls in a large cake on a cart]

Davina: Mary...! You and Mami made this?

Mary: Yes. It was a bit difficult when you came through to get lunch though.

Director: The whole cast would have mutinied, if I didn't let them have their celebration. Happy birthday, Davina.

Davina: Goodness… this was… [smiles] Thank you very much?

Charlotte: It's the gift of Davina - Drink it in, man! Happy 20th, Deej! It's royal blue velvet cake, by the way!

Masamune: Well, now that the formalities are over… [unsheathes his six katanas] Let's party! [cuts the cake]

[After the cake is cut]

Yukimura: Lord Masamune's cake-cutting skills are unparalleled!

Davina takes a bite of the cake slice, and is stunned with pleasure.

Jim: It's really good!

Santa: (calling over from nearby) Give me the recipe later!

Charlotte: It looks lovely - I'll take a piece!

Savyna: You can't do that!

Iain: You need both hands to operate the camera!

Charlotte: But I want cake too...!

[After the festivities...]

Charlotte: Ooh! Someone adorable comes this way!

(camera pans over to a girl about Santa's height, with brunette hair, light skin and dark-brown eyes, hurrying over to the set)

Marzia: Jamiebel! (runs over to Jamiebel)

Jamiebel: Marzia? (looks over - runs toward the girl) Marzia! (hugs her) How goes it?

Marzia: It's going. (nuzzles into Jamiebel) What about you?

Jamiebel: I'm going well - Oh, I gotta introduce you to Santa! (carries her to Santa and Charotte and Bernan) Hey, Bernan, Santa, Charlotte!

Santa: Hi? Why are you carrying Marzia around?

Bernan: In bridal style, no less.

Charlotte: I'm here, Jay-bee, don't get your panties in a twist. What's up?

Jamiebel: Oh. (lets Marzia down) Santa, you know Marzia?

Santa: Yeah, we haven't had any chance to interact yet though.

Marzia: Um, Jamiebel, who are these people?

Jamiebel: Anyway, yeah… Marzia, this is Santa, Bernan and Charlotte.

Marzia: Hello.

Santa: Hello.

Bernan: Heya.

Charlotte: Hi! So you're Jamiebel's acclaimed 'little sister-figure...' Ooh, you're so adorable, I could just eat you and Santa up! (squees)

Santa: (frightened) Eeeeek! WewouldliketonotbeCharlotte'sdinnerespeciallywhenshealreadyhadcakeandspoiledherdinneralreadyokayseeyoulatergottagobye! (Santa grabs Marzia and dashes away, leaving a dust cloud)

Marzia: Huh? What's going on, Santa…? (voice fades into the distance)

Bernan: (anime sigh) I'll go get them. (scarpers)

Charlotte: Eh? Er, no, that's not what I mea-

Jamiebel: Who-The-Hell-Do-You-Think-I-Am Kick! (attempts to superkick Charlotte, but fails) Drat, thought that would work.

Charlotte: You're talking to somebody who uses superkicks constantly; do you not think I would know how to counter it?

(Bernan returns, dragging Santa and Marzia, both trying to escape)

Marzia: Wait! I just got here! (clings onto Santa) Even though we barely met, it's been nice knowing you, Santa.

Santa: Return of the Jedi reference to escape! (Throws a small sphere in front of Bernan and escapes again with Marzia)

Bernan: (catches said sphere, before tossing it aside) Calm down, you two, Charlotte's not going to actually eat you. In fact, that would probably be Jamiebel's job… maybe.

Santa: We don't want Jamiebel to eat us either! (teleports away and resumes running)

Marzia: She wouldn't eat me! I'm too young to be eaten! (runs away with Santa)

Charlotte: (sighs) Let me get the time placard up.

[A few moments later - and after clearing any and all intention of Santa or Marzia being eaten by Charlotte and/or Jamiebel…]

Charlotte: Now that we've gotten all of that out of the way, let's move on!

We pan over to Santa and Marzia with a 'costume elemental strength/weakness' chart.

Marzia: So Savyna's water can trump Frédéric's fire, but she'll be vulnerable to Viggo's electricity. Somebody's gotta have an Earth/Ground element to beat Viggo.

Santa: Marisa's ice should be able to block it, and air is a poor electrical conductor so if we use enough we can stop electricity that way too.

Marzia: Air would be Bernan - wind being a byproduct of air. But that opens the door for Frédéric to use his fire and Jim to use his light to beat Marisa. I know Crystal's Celty costume can balance out the light, but what beats light?

Santa: Darkness is the obvious one, but light also interacts with water and has weird physics with it that can change attack directions. Or if you made something so bright that it made everything else look dark by comparison maybe you could cancel it out like that.

Marzia: So light can truly beat light… doesn't that make Jim the invincible element, then? Nicia's radiation can't do a thing against Jim, nor could the others.

Santa: I got it! Most of us carry metal things - if we polish them enough they'll become mirrors and we can just reflect the attacks somewhere else!

Marzia: Charlotte! She's got steel for part of her element - she could do just that! (looks at the board) Wait, your element is silence, which can beat sound, but not steel...

Santa: If I don't make a 'getting hurt' noise I won't be hurt. *Proud*

Marzia: Then that makes you invincible!

Santa: I am invincible - who would want to be attacked by Nicia?

Marzia: Just as long as you don't proclaim it like Kanetsugu.

Marzia and Santa: Yay! (high-five each other, then share a hug)

Marzia: I'm glad I met you, Santa. Jamiebel was right about you - you're a real fun person to be with.

Santa: Thanks - I'm glad I finally have a smart friend, just like Jamiebel said.

Marzia: Aww. (nuzzles Santa) Oh yeah, I have to ask; what's it like for you to have Jay-bee as a big-sis figure?

Santa: She's cool, but there's someone else who I'm trying to be like who's even cooler (even if most people don't see her that way).

Marzia: Ehhh. (continues hugging Santa) I love you, Santa.

Santa: Mm - let's stay good friends in the future. (nuzzles Marzia)

Charlotte: Aww…! What an adorable way to end the day! I'll see you guys tomorrow!

Marzia: Is someone filming us? (looks over with Santa)

Santa: Charlotte's been carrying around a camera all day.

Marzia: Return of the Jedi reference to escape!

Marzia tosses a thermal detonator at Charlotte.

[Another day]

Charlotte: Next up, I've got a promo calendar photo shoot today… and guess who I'm doing the photo shoot with!

Camera pans over to Jamiebel and Nacht - Nacht sitting on top of a very flustered Jamiebel.

Nacht: Your writer really wants us to not have clothes on for this calendar shoot, so that requires that we not have clothes on.

[Insert title card here: "Self-imposed broadcast restrictions. Please enjoy with sound only for the time being."]

Jamiebel: Aagh! I can change my own costume, thank you! [sound of clothes being ripped] Aaaah!

Cut to Nacht posing for the camera.

Charlotte: Here, we have my beloved Nacht… doesn't she look delightful?

Nacht: You're giving the readers strange ideas, you know.

Charlotte: You were the one who implied nudity! It's a swimsuit/nude photoshoot, by the way.

Nacht: Say that earlier!

Charlotte: Well, sorry for not mentioning it earlier!

Cut to more photos of Nacht being taken.

Charlotte: Ah, that beautiful body… may none scar it.

(Photo #2) Swimsuit City, you have a new face!

(Photo #3) She looks so adorable like that…

(Photo #4) Oh, dear, I might have a nosebleed… Nacht's body…

Cut to Jamiebel posing.

Jamiebel: This is so embarrassing…

Charlotte: Don't worry, you look wonderful!

Cut to more photos of Jamiebel being taken.

Charlotte: Now, is the jewel of my eye, Jamiebel!

(Photo #2) That pale skin makes the sun shine on her more!

(Photo #3) Who says she doesn't look good in a swimsuit?

(Photo #4) Ahh… that delicate face, those lovely curves… and that skin…!

Cut to backstage.

Charlotte: Now it's my turn… but I don't want to do selfies - so I'm having Nacht film me doing the photoshoot! Just as a little retribution for my vagueness and our lovers' quarrel earlier… so sorry about that, my dear. So, Nacht, I'm handing the camera to you!

Nacht: Leave it to me, I'll get all the best shots.

Later, outside - Charlotte poses for the camera.

Nacht: Woohoo! You're super curvy, Charli, and your earrings just make them look better!

(Photo #2) And your round and soft nose...

(Photo #3) I hope nobody expected me to compare her to Jamiebel here; anyone who appreciates what Charli looks like can find a bunch of differences - like Charli's pinky toes being 10 yoctometers longer than Jamie's...

(Photo #4) Oh… um… no comment, other than I may need a tissue.

Later…

Charlotte: So, individual photos are all done… now it's time for the tough part: the group photos - and yes, we are wearing robes. This part is done in the full-monty; aka, in the buff.

Jamiebel: If it's for a calendar, and if it's with my two lesbian besties (hugs Charlotte and Nacht)… I can probably brave it out.

Nacht: It's going to be pretty hard wearing robes and being buff at the same time. Hopefully TG can clarify again.

Jamiebel: Um, Nacht, Charlotte meant that we'd be in the nude. That's why we're in these robes… to keep us warm.

Nacht: Robed between photos, photoshoot not safe for work - you should've just said that from the beginning.

Charlotte: Don't worry about it, you two - TG's gonna have us Godiva-ing it; y'know, hair covering the chests. Since Nacht can't film us, and neither can I, I pulled some strings, and managed to get her on board! [camera pans to Davina]

Davina: Yo! I'll be making sure you three have some best Godiva shots. Even though it could be a little embarrassing.

Cut to all three posing together.

Davina: Thank goodness for the Lady Godiva example - these three look absolutely divine!

(Photo #2) Lady Purple Heart may have some competition, in the form of Charlotte. Stunning!

(Photo #3) Nacht showing off that chest of hers… there's a reason why she's got the Mami mammaries.

(Photo #4) Jamiebel… I wonder why she got the better body over me.

(Photo #5) Whoa, Charlotte with moving hands on the chest of both ladies - how adorable (and perverted) of her and the others!

[Backstage]

Charlotte: Well, that's the shoot over… what did you guys think, Jamiebel, Nacht?

Nacht: Were you doing something? We've been busy working.

Jamiebel: Pretty liberating… and a bit fun for most of it. Why you decided to grope us both, Charli, I'll never know.

Nacht: Why wouldn't she? We're pretty good.

Charlotte: She's been pretty blunt all day. But yeah, you two are so adorable and sexy… I can't help myself!

Jamiebel: Charlotte, you're showing your lewd side again.

Nacht: She has a different side?

Jamiebel: Yeah, Charlotte can get really lewd; but based on my experiences, you're even lewder, Nacht.

Nacht: Of course, loving my girlfriends is serious business.

Charlotte: I'm really excited to see what you do as fun, in terms of loving your girlfriends.

Nacht: Well, read the story, then.

Charlotte: Well, that's it from us; we're off to party the night away, and I'll see you tomorrow for more looks behind the filming!

[Another day]

Twelfth Doctor: Ah, Charlotte! Welcome to the CGI studio!

Pan to CGI artists working on certain scenes, then cut to Twelve working on Walpurgisnacht.

Twelfth Doctor: Right now, me and some of the others are working on some of the models - I'm doing the Walpurgisnacht one - for the Cyborgs vs. Walpurgisnacht rematch.

Scenes showing the CvW part of the movie - Souren and Viggo clash, Viggo uses Jumping Jack Breaker, Nacht vs. Walpurgis, Charlotte using Dimensional Slash and Jamiebel gaining the Wings of Madoka.

Twelfth Doctor: How a holiday celebrating"Faust"ended up being represented by a conglomeration of witches becoming an upside-down clara doll witch bent on making the entire world its 'stage' is beyond me… the writers must have been pudding brains for thinking that - especially that one called 'Gen Urobuchi.'

Charlotte: Hold on a tick - you look familiar somehow… I feel I should know you…

Assistant: The director wants you, Doctor! You best hurry!

Twelfth Doctor: Right! [stands up, bows] Do excuse me, Charlotte - duty calls.

Twelve exits, scene left.

Charlotte: Huh…? Oh, er...! Hey, wait…!

Later...

Charlotte: Oh, Crystal! Can I have a moment?

Crystal: I thought I made it clear - I will not be filmed without makeup on!

Crystal pulls out a chainsaw out of hammerspace, eliciting a scream from Charlotte. The segment ends.