Rose: Ok, guys I'm back for another chapter! And-
Deadpool: Tell us!
Rose: Tell you what?
Deadpool: The freaking announcement!
Rose: Oh yeah! Ok! Well, I was reading this.. um.. what should I call it? Um... well, anyway, it's this webpage that tells you how to do things like-
Deadpool: Like how to kill people and get way with it!
{How to be a Badass!}
[How to pass a history test without studying.]
Rose: Yes. Yes. And yes. All of those things and more.
Deadpool: So why did you bring this up?
Rose: Deadpool, you already know why.
Deadpool: I know that. But they don't.
{Just tell them!}
Rose: Ok. So as I was reading the pages, I noticed that the wording sounded a lot like DEADPOOL!
Deadpool: WHOOOOO HOOOOO!
Rose: So, I was thinking about making another Deadpool fanfic where Deadpool was giving out "how to's" on how to do stuff.
Deadpool: Like kill people!
Rose: Maybe something less illegal.
Deadpool: But the best ones are the illegal ones!
Rose: But I'm not going to let you tell thousands of viewers how to kill people.
{I thought you said this wasn't a TV show!}
Rose: Be quiet, you!
Deadpool: And I'm not going to tell them good ways at killing people. That's MY job you know!
{Good point!}
Rose: Is that so?
Deadpool: Yep! PS. I have BILLIONS OF VIEWERS!
Rose: I'm just going to continue the story..
Heather crawled to a dirt road. She looked sickly pale. "I don't think I'm going to make it." She thought to herself while laying in the middle of the road. She noticed the shadow of a male figure stand over her. She looked at him. "D- Deadpool?" she asked out loud.
"Not exactly." It was Blade. He raised his sword, ready to strike. "I'm about to put you out of your misery." He quickly swung his sword but was shot in the back.
"I swear, you have got to be the most annoying-est ninja ever!"
{But still cool!}
The ninja, Blade, quickly turned around and flung three ninja shurikens at Deadpool's face. The first one hit him dead in the eye, the second pierced his forehead, and the third grazed the top of his head. "Okay, first, OW! Second, OWWW! Thirdly, OW" Deadpool equipped a sai and a machine gun. "Your going to die painfully and slowly!"
[Heather is dying. We need to get her to a hospital. NOW.]
"Okay! You're going to die painfully and quickly!" Blade got into a cool ninja fighting stance, ready to attack at any moment. Deadpool pulled the gun's trigger, firing off an array of bullets. Blade sliced the bullets in half as he charged at Deadpool. "Deadpool stood still.
{What are you doing!? Attack him before he attacks us again!}
Deadpool still didn't move.
[He's suicidal... again.]
Blade leaped towards Deadpool, about to slice his head off when, "SURPRISE!" Deadpool said, holding a bomb in his hand. The ninja's eye grew wide with shock as he tried to run away. But the bomb exploded before he got to a safe distance. Blood gushed everywhere.
{YES! WE FIANLLY KIILED HIM!}
[Yes, we killed him but we also blew off half of our body.]
{So, we can just wait until the new ones grow back.}
[But we don't have time to wait. Heather's dying.]
{Ok, then we'll just reattach the ones we blew off.}
[How are we going to do that with just an arm and a leg?]
{Oh, I guess we didn't think this through..}
[Ya think?]
"Don't worry, boys. I've got everything under control. I just gotta-" Deadpool sat up and saw part of his arm dangling form a tree. "Damn! How the hell am I supposed to reach my arm way over there!?"
{I guess we REALLY didn't think this through.}
Heather managed to crawl to Deadpool. "Are you ok?" She asked as sweetly as girl who's about to die can possibly be.
"Yeah, babe I'm alright. But it's not me I'm worried about. It's you." She touched his hand.
"Deadpool, I need to tell you something before I d-"
"You're not going to die! There has to be a hospital nearby!"
"But I can't..."
"Yes you can. Can you reattach my leg?"
"Your what!?"
"My leg. I blew it off. It's on that fence over there." Heather grabbed Deadpool's leg and dropped it next to his body.
"So I just put it in like a puzzle piece?"
"Yeah!" Heather reattached Deadpool's leg. "Thanks!" Deadpool jumped up and ran to the tree that his arm was blasted to.
{Dang it! It's only part of our arm!}
[Well, the part of our arm that was holding the bomb exploded into a ton of little pieces.]
Deadpool reattached what was left of his arm. "Well, part of an arm is better than no arm at all!" Deadpool ran back to Heather. "We're almost there! I just gotta figure out a way to-"
"There's a truck in the back."
"How do you know?"
"Please just get the truck. I don't-"
"Ok! Ok! Hold on a sec!" Deadpool ran to the back of the house and returned minutes later diving the truck. He pulled up next to Heather. He hopped out, picked up Heather, and strapped her into her seat. "Just hold on for a few more minutes." Deadpool said, flooring the gas pedal. "Okay! Where do you think the closest hospital would be?"
{Why are you so bad at finding your way around these places?}
[We've never here before.]
"Just keep diving straight." Heather directed him.
"How do you know your way around this place so well?"
"This is where my uncle lived..."
"I thought you said you didn't know where he lived."
"I don't know where his house is but I know what it looks like.."
"Wow..."
"...After you reach the main street... take a left and keep driving until you..."
"What?" Deadpool looked over at her. Her eyes were closed. "Heather!?"
{NOT AGAIN!}
Deadpool tried shaking her awake but she was unresponsive.
{WHATDOWEDO? WHATDOWEDO?!}
[Remain clam. She's still breathing...kinda..]
"Did she say take a left or a right?"
[Take a left! Were you listening?]
"Um, yes! Of course I was! I was just making sure you guys were!" Deadpool made a sharp turn to the left. "Okay what did she say next?"
[We don't know. That's when she passed out. Remember?]
"Damn. What do we do next?"
**** (Ten minutes later)****
"So do I just keep going straight and then turn right at the gas station or do I turn right and then keep going straight at the gas station?" Deadpool asked an old lady from the side of the rode. Once he had gotten into town he decided to pull over and ask for directions.
"Um, well now I'm confused. He-heh. Um, let me think." The old lady said, sweetly.
"Look, lady! The love of my life's been poisoned and she only has minutes left to live and if you don't tell me where the hospital is now, I'm going to take my anger and depression out on you!" He shouted.
"Oh my! I-I-I think you're supposed to go straight and then turn right at the gas station." The old lady shivered in fear.
"Thanks!" Deadpool hopped back in the truck and sped away.
{Do you think we're going to make it?}
"Yeah! We have to!"
[You don't need me to repeat the directions again? Do you?]
"No!..."
[Turn right.]
"I- I knew that!"
[No you didn't.]
"Yes I did!"
[No you didn't.]
"Yes I did!"
[No you didn't.]
"YES. I. DID!"
[Yes you did.]
"No I didn't!... I see what you did there!"
[You did?!]
"Yeah!"
{Look we're here!}
"Awesome!"
[Slow down or you'll crash through the doors!]
"Ain't nobody got time for dat!" Deadpool drove straight the glass doors and crashed into the wall. All the people inside screamed and panicked. DP picked up Heather and ran to the front desk. "She needs a doctor and quick!" The receptionist scrambled to her feet.
"You're the one who needs a doctor... and straight jacket! What are you crazy!? Thankfully no one was hurt!"
"Look, this is my girlfriend, Heather.."
[She's not our girlfriend..]
"And this girl poisoned her and-"
"Wait! Did you say 'Heather'?" The nurse asked.
"Um, yeah?"
"Oh my goodness!" The nurse ran to the other side of the desk and brushed Heather's hair out her face. "Oh my! It IS Heather!" The nurse's face filled with sadness. "Bill, get over here! Heather's back and she's not looking so good!" A male doctor ran out form a room behind the desk.
"What happened, now?!"
"She's been poisoned!"
"Alice, go get a stretcher!"
"Right away!" The nurse, Alice, ran quickly down the hallway.
"How long has she been like this?" The doctor asked, checking her vitals.
"Um, a couple of hours. I could barely keep her conscious." Deadpool explained. Alice rushed back with the stretcher and three other nurses.
"Oh poor, Heather." One said.
"Here ya go!" Alice said rolling it to the doctor.
"Thanks! Help me put her on it." The nurses helped him place Heather safely on the stretcher.
"Do you know what she was poisoned with?" Alice asked.
"No..." Deadpool stated gloomily.
"Well, okay. Thanks for your help." Alice joined the rest the medical group and helped them push the stretcher through an automatically opening door. Deadpool followed.
"Where are you taking her?" Deadpool asked.
"To ICU." Alice answered.
Rose: Well I'm done.
Deadpool: WHAT? You can't be done! You still need to finish my story! You can't end it with a cliffhanger! We need to know how it ends! I won't let you leave this laptop until you finish!
Rose: I'm not done with the story! Just the chapter.
Deadpool: But I need to know if Heather's ok!
Rose: Well you have to wait like everyone else.
Deadpool: Agh! I HATE WAITING!
Rose: I know... you said that last chapter..
Deadpool: I did?
Rose: Yes. Yes you did.
Deadpool: Oh..