Unexpected Sanity
Illiandyanndra
Stephanie Plum
Pairings: Stephanie/Ranger, Tank/Lula
Rating: Eventually NC-17
Spoilers: Anything & everything up through Sizzling Sixteen is fair game…I can never remember what book what stuff happens in.
Disclaimer: Not mine Stephanie and her world belong to Janet Evanovich, which if you are reading the fanfiction…you probably already knew.
^^Thoughts^^
^Spoken Aloud Thoughts^
"Speech"
AN: Thanks to everyone who reviewed. The more reviews I get the easier it is to beat back the encroaching plot bunnies that keep dragging me to new and varied fandoms. In other words…I WANT REVIEWS! Please and thank you.
Translations at bottom to not impede the flow of the prose. (Sorry but it really didn't work the other way)
Chapter 7
"That's funny; there was almost nothing we didn't try."
First Rule of Fight Club…Don't Talk About Fight Club!
First Rule of fighting Joe Morelli…never take your attention off a pissed off Morelli. Probably I should have remembered that. But in my defense, who wouldn't have turned and looked at someone saying something like that about them. As I turned and looked at Ranger, Joe caught me with a sucker punch that glanced off my cheek bone, HARD. Fucker knocked me down. ^Bitch move, Joe.^
"You cheating fucking cunt!" Morelli yelled as he made to hit me again. Before he could, or I could even stand, Joe froze.
"Touch her again and I put a bullet in your brain, Joe." Eddie Gazarra said from where he stood behind Joe. The barrel of Eddie's side arm was pressed into the hair behind Morelli's ear.
Morelli lowered his hand slowly, but before it could get anywhere near his own gun, Big Dog stepped forward and pulled Joe's gun from its holster. "Oh, so you guys –my brothers in blue- are gonna side with this snatch over me. I thought we were supposed to be a brotherhood…like family."
"Sure Joe…we were LIKE family; until you raised your fucking hand against my ACTUAL Family." Eddie snarled.
^^See this is exactly the reason it is never smart to piss off happy-go-lucky people. When you aren't used to seeing someone get mad, you have no frame of reference. No way to know how mad they are, compared to how mad they could get …let alone what they will do with that anger. Of course Morelli is too stupid to think about the fact that in the last 32 years, no one has EVER seen Edward Gazarra as pissed off as he is right now. And I'm sitting here praying on Bella Morelli's behalf that Joe is smarter than he's been acting lately.^^
"She ain't family. She's just a lying, cheating cunt who happens to be related to the whiny cunt you married." Joe ground out.
^^Ok. Officially Joe is dumber than Bob. And Bob is a big dumb dog who likes to eat indigestible objects just for fun.^^ Morelli is the only person in the room surprised when the sound of Eddie drawing back the hammer on his gun filled the tense silence of the room.
^Oh Shit!^ "Eddie, come on Eddie. Put the safety back on…Morelli so isn't worth it." I said a lot more calmly than I felt.
"Steph did you hear him? I personally think that stupidity like that needs to be taken out of the 'burg gene pool. I've a gun in my hand pressed against this stronzo's head and he still has the nerve to say some vile garbage like that?" Eddie asks. His voice is so tight it literally vibrates with rage.
"So, we'll cuff him, prosecute him for the assault on Steph. His career is finished. Mayor Juniak and Frank Plum served together; they still have coffee every week. Morelli's off the force and with that in his jacket and the blackballing you KNOW the mayor will do…he'll never work as a cop again. It gets out that he's fucking a mafia princess…he sure as hell won't be able to transition to the feds." Big Dog said trying to diffuse the situation.
"Once word hits the 'burg grapevine that he hit Stephanie…there isn't a woman in this town that will have him. Remember how Anthony had to go to Newark to find his wife." Carl Costanza said helpfully.
"Gazarra, Stephanie appreciates you standing up for her. And she'll make sure that the whole 'burg knows how far you are willing to go in defense of your wife and family. But don't pull the trigger…you'll want to go home to your wife tonight, not go to jail with this grillo." Ranger said from over my shoulder. ^^Huh, when did he get this close to me, and I not notice. I always notice. Oh Idea.^^
"Eddie, if you put the gun away and let Big Dog cuff Morelli…Not only will I make you a god in Shirley's eyes, and the best husband in the 'burg, I'll take your kids every Friday night for a month. Joe, he's gonna apologize for what he said about Shirley the whiner and I'll make it so you and Shirley can have alone time every Friday for a month, six weeks even, if you'll just holster your sidearm." I pleaded.
"Stephanie, I really, REALLY want to shoot him. Your dad and your uncle would want me to shoot him." Eddie retorted, still madder than I'd ever seen him; and I was there the night he and Shirley came home to find their kids had pulled a Macauley Caulkin on their babysitter.
^^Thing is, I couldn't really argue with the truth. What to say, what can I say against that? Daddy would have shot him as soon as he hit me. Probably there wouldn't have been a warning.^^ "Not in front of witnesses. They'd want you to do it so that you still were here to raise your kids, while Joe rotted six feet under. Remember the story Uncle Fred used to tell us about his dad's Cousin Carmine. Cousin Carmine killed the sorry son of a bitch son-in-law that beat his daughter Angela and got away clean…remember. So clean that the SoB's mother asked Cousin Carmine to find out who'd done it. That's how they'd want you to do it…not like this."
"Fine as soon as this stupid rompicoglioni apologizes for hitting you and for all that he said about YOU and Shirley…I'll stand down and let the boys cuff him." Eddie said starting to sound more reasonable.
"Apologize Morelli." I said quietly. I could see him starting to get stubborn. "Apologize now Morelli or I add statutory rape charges on top of the assault charge. I was underage, and the great state of New Jersey doesn't believe in statute of limitations on Lewd and Lascivious with a minor." I threatened. Maybe I was bullshitting…I don't know if they did or didn't but Joe must have bought it.
"I'm sorry Eddie. I shouldn't talk about your family like that. I shouldn't have hit Stephanie for cheating on me with that spic thug behind her. "Joe said caustically.
As soon as Eddie had his gun holstered, I reared back and punched Joe as hard as I could, dead in the throat. "I never once cheated on your sorry ass Joe. The only time I ever slept with Ranger; you and I weren't together, dumbass. And never let me hear you disrespect Ranger like that or it will be my 38 against your hard ass head."
Joe was coughing and wheezing as Big Dog cuffed him and Carl read him his rights. Apparently Ranger wasn't quite doe with good old Joe. When Big Dog pulled Joe to his feet, Ranger leaned in and whispered something that only Joe could hear. Whatever it was made Joe go white as a sheet, and then he turned red as a beet. Robin shoved him back into booking before he could find his voice…if he still had one.
"Officer Gazarra, I owe you greatly for your defense of Stephnaie." Ranger started.
"No you don't. I've known Steph since the day after we were born…maybe in the hospital. She's family." Eddie said cutting Ranger off. "If anything…we owe you for all the times you've saved her."
Ranger gave Eddie a wry smile. "Maybe so, but still, how about one of those Fridays you have alone with your wife, you let me treat you and her to a weekend at the shore? I'm sure that between Stephanie, myself and my men, we can keep your children safe and out of trouble for a weekend."
^Don't be so sure. It will be an epic battle…the Merry Men against the Gazarra trio.^ I thought as Eddie and Ranger shook hands.
Mooner and Dougie and several others started laughing hard. Oops out loud again. They came closer to me and asked, "So are you finally done with Supercop?"
"Yes, yes, and in fact…hell yes." I responded.
"Good…then we can finally tell you…We Fucking HATE that dude!" the two stoners said with surprising synchronicity.
I managed to sneak out of the station while Joe was being booked, and Ranger was working out the logistics of babysitting with Eddie. There were more than enough witnesses they would need to interview. I should be able to fudge out an hour. I had a promise to keep.
As I drove to the bail bonds office, I called Mary Lou and related the story of Eddie's bravery, chivalry and devotion to Shirley. She told me that she would make sure all the right people heard the tale. Then I called Shirley and gave her an even more romanticized version of events. IF Eddie didn't get laid tonight…I'd be shocked.
I parked Uncle Sandor's Big Blue next to Lula's firebird, behind the office. The second I walked in the door, Lula was asking if I had brought anything sweet. She stopped mid sentence to ask, "What the hell happened to your face? I thought you were just going after Mooner and Dougie. I'd have rolled with you if I knew you were going somewhere you could catch a fist. I just can't go round Mooner and them right now on account of just smelling them fools gives me the munchies. And I'm on a new diet. Thousand calories a day- too damn much math on this diet. It's been a bitch, but I been on it a week and lost three pounds. See, skinny white girl, you inspired me. I figured if you could get up at the ass crack of dawn, with how much you hate mornings, and eat right and shit, I can at least stick to this stupid mathy ass diet."
"Actually, Bobby says that as long as I stick to his exercise program; I can eat what I want." I said coyly. "Probably, if you want, I can see if you can join us."
"Hell naw. I cannot be seen by them fine ass men huffin' and puffin' like a dying cow. And stop trying to change the subject. What happened to your face?" Lula retorted.
"Well, Joe apparently believes that I'm his freakin' possession. He didn't like something he heard, so he hit me and called me some really nasty names." I said quietly. "Right in front of the TPD booking desk."
"That no good zia!" Connie yelled. "Where is he? You want I should call my Uncle Jimmy?"
"Nope, Joe is being booked as we speak-assault. But the best part is what Eddie did in there." I said before relating the story. When I was finishing up, my cell phone rang. Of course it is my mother.
"STEPHANIE MICHELLE PLUM, what's did you do? I hear that Joe's –" She started. However she was cut off as a voice rang out behind her.
"Give me the Goddamn phone Helen." My dad yelled. Ut oh, Mom's in trouble.
"Stephanie, Pumpkin, I'll have to have your mother call you back. I need to call your cousin Vinnie." Daddy said his tone firm.
"I'm here at the office, Daddy. Want me to get him for you?" I asked. Connie ran to Vinnie's door and yelled at him that his Uncle Frank wanted to talk to him. I put Daddy on speaker phone when Vinnie came out.
"Vincent Dominic Plum, if you bond out that cacasodo asshole Morelli again, not only will I make your life hell, and cast you from the family, I will personally make sure that your father in law learns of all your extracurricular activities." Daddy said authoritatively.
"Why, Uncle Frank, what did he do? Wait…which Morelli?" Vinnie asked confused. ^^Huh guess Connie must have already found the bugs today.^^
"Joseph Morelli laid his hand on my daughter, your cousin, your family." Daddy informed him.
Vinnie cast a look at me. And to my shock he looked a bit angry at the bruise he saw there. ^^Huh, Guess Vinnie does have a heart after all.^^ "I can refuse to bond any Morelli out ever again, if you want Uncle Frank."
"Yeah, I want. You can be a good boy Vinnie." Daddy said softly. He'd right Vinnie may be a money hungry pervert…but he can be alright when he wants to…but only to family. "Stephanie," Daddy said sternly, pulling me from my thoughts. "Get back to the station. Eddie needs to get your statement and get pictures. He called a few minutes ago."
"Yes Daddy." I just needed to get a jump on the 'burg hotline." After he hung up, I turned to Connie and Lula and sighed. "My Daddy says I have to go now…maybe I can come back and play after my chores are done." It's always good to leave on a laugh.
I got back to the station and was surprised to see that my cousin Shirley had popped up. She was leaning against Eddie's desk as gave my statement.
"Stupid bastard should have his balls cut off." She snarled when she saw my face. Shirley's the only female in my family to never try to throw me at Joe, well other than Grandma, who figures Joe fine for a screw…but not for marriage. Now I'm starting to wonder why.
Anyway, after I'd given my statement, Ranger followed me back to Haywood. Apparently whoever was on monitors saw my Technicolor Dream Cheek, and raised the alarm. By the time we made it to five, there was an Alpha Male assembly led by Tank.
"Who the fuck did that to you Little Girl? And did Ranger kill them or do we get to?" He started.
"Ranger didn't kill him, though Eddie Gazarra came real close. But right now he's in lockup at the copshop." I said cheekily.
"Damn we can't get into lockup without breaking a law." Lester started planning.
"Well if the guy gets bonded out, we can always hope he tries to skip again." Hal says reasonably.
"Oh it wasn't a skip….at least not a recent one." I said without thinking. ^^Stupid move Stephanie.^^
Tank swelled in size again, "Tell me it wasn't that mutherfuckin' Morelli." He growled.
"Sorry Tank, but I'm not that good a liar." I said with a sweet smile. "And I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but my dad has straight up forbidden Vinnie from bailing out any Morelli on any charge, Ever."
"Damn. And Mooch burned that bridge at Sebring years ago." Lester whined. "I was really hoping he'd get bail so we could take him in." Somehow I doubt Morelli would have enjoyed being taken in by Rangeman for this charge.
"Wait, you said Morelli is in Lockup…they don't have him in one of the interrogation rooms until arraignment like last time?" Bobby asked with a rather evil grin.
"No, he's in regular lockup. And as I understand it from Robin, she'd just processed a suspect Joe had brought in, not an hour before Stephanie got there with Mooner." Ranger said his usually sexy face made even sexier by the slightly dangerous truly even wrath of Ranger face he was making.
"Oooh good. I hope it was a particularly vicious arrest." Cal snarled. Junior and Binkie got distracted exchanging more and more creative and scarily brutal ideas of what the perp could be doing to Joe even as we speak.
I noticed something strange. "Hey where did Hector go? Wasn't he here a minute ago?"
Italian Translations from
italian(dot) about (dot) com/library/slang/bladultslangindexr (dot) htm
Stronzo = Shit, turd
Grillo = Penis
Rompicoglioni = Pain in the ass
Zia = Passive male homosexual
Cacasodo = Arrogant