A/N: Sorry for the wait! I'm a lazy ass. Also, nmy father updated the computer and I lsot all my work..not that that's an excuse.

Disclaimer: Today, I took a gun to Arakwa'a house. I held her at gunpoint until she willed FMA to me. Now, be amazed as you watch Ed get raped by Tucker!

Just kidding.

Or am I?

Men Have Chests Too

Have you ever felt like god has some sort of personal vendetta against you ever since you spat at his name?

Have you ever felt like life would be easier if you could order around everyone like slaves?

Have you ever beens so angst-ridden and angry that when things happen, you just sit back and yawn?

Well then, you could be like Edwina Elric, The Fullmetal Alchemist, who was totally lost at just what to do when it came time to explain her gender.

They were walking the dark roads with care, seeing as how tripping wouldn't look very professional. Most of the guys kept glancing at Ed's curves, and the other woman, a.k.a. Hawkeye, was busy checking her guns with a slightly sadistic happiness.

'You shouldn't be so worried Ed.' Mentally chided the teen, who was walking at the head of the group in order to lead them to their destination. 'Look at Riza. She's female, and the males all treat her like one of them, even if her boobs are bigger than mine.' Frowning, she glanced over at said militarist and noticed that the voices in her head were correct. 'I'll just bash in the heads until they stop staring. What, do they think I haven't noticed? The Colonel especially...'

Not liking where her thoughts were taking her, she forced her attention back on the walls visible in the light of false dawn. Ed slapped her hands together, startling those around her.

"Okay, this is the plan." Hissed the young alchemist. "Havoc, Flaman, Fury and Breda can take the front. Me'n Riza and Colonel Shit will take the back." Satisfied with her idea, she turned and began to march towards the building. Hawkeye was right behind her, the Colonel stumbling to keep up. The others were listening to her plan, oddly enough.

"Fullmetal." Growled Roy as he drew even with her, tugging his gloves more. "May I remind you I'm the highest ranking officer here? I give the orders, not you." The man was clearly upset, whether it be on the fact he was being bossed around by a midget or he hadn't had coffee in a few hours.

"Sir-" Began Hawkeye, shooting him a glance as she brought up her gun. Just a tad, but enough for the dark haired Colonel to get the message. But Ed brought up her hand, shaking her pretty blond head.

"Sorry, sir." Drawled Ed sarcastically. "I thought you were too interested in my chest to make a plan. My mistake."

THAT put the Colonel in his place. Feeling satisfied, Ed turned to Riza, who was smiling despite herself. They had reached the large, outer wall, and something about it made Ed frown.

"What's the matter, Ed?" Asked Riza, cocking her gun as she looked around carefully for the one thing that had made the Fullmetal Alchemist stop in her path.

The guards were all gone. Every single one of them.

-Breaking my cowboy hat with a metal lasso-

"Is this some kind of joke, Fullmetal?" Questioned Mustang as he glanced around the empty enclosure. Grace to Ed's amazing alchemical abilities, it had been Clap, Slap, Bam! to get in. The trio now stood, half expecting a tumbleweed to blow past.

But it didn't, because the place was so damn empty in didn't even have an overused joke floating around.

"Ya, SUPRISE! Just for you, I created a cult, killed a bunch of hookers, captured myself, beat myself up and ended the cult after getting Al to call for help!" Snarled Ed, stomping her booted foot angrily. Roy found this oddly cute, but turned his metal prowess to making a retort instead of being a pedophile.

"Well, if the shoe fits, Fullmetal!" Replied Roy, still giving Ed a good look. 'I swear.' He thought, 'I have a possessed eye.'

" 'If the shoe fits'?" Yelled Ed. "WHAT ARE YOU, FIFTY? COME HERE YOU OLD GEEZER, I'LL TEACH YOU A PROPER INSULT!" Before Roy could take Ed up on this—he wasn't sure if he'd deck Fullmetal (his cheek still hurt!) or kiss her (damn her sexy body!)---Riza came between and fired a single shot.

"Sir, stop taunting Ed. And Ed, he's only 28." This seemed to settle the two, and Riza gave a satisfied nod. Roy however, had one last thing to ask.

"Taunting?" Cried the outraged Colonel. His lack of caffeine was making his grumpy as hell and possible PMS-y. "He was the one make fun of my age!" Roy did his best to not whine, he honestly did, but he was having a bad day.

"Shut up Colonel." Riza said, as calm as ever. Mustang sighed, rubbing his forehead. "You're alerting them of our presence."

"Them? Them who?" Asked Ed, and Roy actually noticed she appeared to be tired and slightly sad. "The dustmites?"

"For once, I actually agree with Fullmetal." Roy scanned the building, before heading towards it. "There's no one here, Hawkeye. We'll conduct the proper search for paperwork, and evidence, but it seems the organization is long gone." It appeared he was actually over his sudden burst of immaturity, so the other two followed in mute agreement.

-Ligne casse...I need to improve my french...WARNING...AHEAD IS TOTAL CRACK and SWEAR WORDS-

While the gun woman and two alchemists had began to head towards the abandoned building, the others had been staring at the tall wall that blocked their path in confusion.

"So.." Said Havoc, tilting his head back. The wall was very tall. He doubted the he could crane his neck anymore. CRASCK! Wait. Now he could see the blue, blue sky. After realigning his spine, he turned to his fellow militarists, who were just as lost as he was. "What do we do now?"

"I don't think we can get over that wall." Commented Breda, scratching his head. He held an amazing resemblance to a gorilla when he did so, noted Fury.

"Not a chance." Added Falman, turning away from the architectural monstrosity to look at the blue, blue sky.

"We have to. Or the other three will be angry." Fury said in a small voice as he imagined an angry Flame, Fullmetal and Gun Otaku.

"Good point." Said Havoc slowly, pulling out his gun. Then other three edged away slightly, worried as to what the smoker was planning. "I have an idea. Let's shoot at this 5-foot-thick-wall until we can get through the hole made."

The others looked at each other, and, one by one shrugged in acceptance. They all pulled out their guns, and as if the cement creation was their mortal enemy, began to fire at will.

"Die you fatherless bastard!" Yelled Havoc, imagining the smirking Colonel's face on the wall. The inspiration of yelling at the inanimate objects made the militarists think of mean things to yell at the innocent wall.

"Motherfucking whore!" Screeched Breda, dodging the ricochet bullets and spraying cement. Falman took his cue, pulling a gun and beginning to shoot.

"Asshole! Bitch!" Shouted the normally steady man, letting loose a spray of bullets. When Fury said nothing, the others looked over at him and he gulped.

"Um...take this, meany face!" Squeaked Fury, before dropping his gun and crying. "I'm sorry! I didn't mean that-what?"

"..."

"..."

"..."

Finally, Havoc shook his head and continued to fire. Falman and Breda followed suit, while Fury went off to mourn the fact he'd made fun of someone.

"More! More!" Said an excited Havoc, grinning foolishly. "I see a small hole! Keep firing men!" Just as the began to pull out a rifle launcher, Fury came over and coughed quietly. He tapped the nicotine-obsessed blonde on the shoulder, squeaking when Jean glared at him.

"What is it Fury? Can't you see I'm busy?" Havoc waved his gun around, and a few bullets went into town. Fury sighed, glad the town was empty.

"Um, Havoc..there's a door over there." Fury pointed at the large, wooden door around 3 feet away. Jean, Vato and Heymans looked in the direction on Cain's finger and saw he was right.

"Well then.." Havoc cleared his throat, staring upwards for a moment before heading towards the door. "Let's go men. And we don't ever mention this." He said this with a menacing wave of his gun, and the others sweat dropped and nodded.

And that was how Havoc, Falman, Breda and Fury got into the enclosure.

-I told you it was crack...hey, CRACK BREAK!-

Alphonse, Tawn and Nwat had all waited at the train station patiently. Well, semi-patiently, Tawn kept looking at the clock over the ticket booth. The others had been gone for an hour and one minute, and thirty-three seconds...thirty-four...thirty-five...

Al sighed, as much as he could, and walked over to the militarists cars. They'd left some doors open. Al, being the neat freak his sister often teased him to be, had been trying to stop his OCD-ness from making him shut the doors. But it had become too much.

So, gently (he didn't want to pay for a broken car), he began to close the doors. He had come to his last one, ignoring the looks Nwat was giving him (Tawn was too busy counting off the seconds—fifty-three, fifty-four, fifty-five), and had been about to close it when he saw who lay in the back seat.

Blue-purple eyes widened in surprise and happiness, while long, dark hair was pushed back. "Uncle Al!" Squealed the homunculus Wrath, jumping his 'Uncle' and luckily dodging all the sharp parts on his armor.

"Wrath-kun? What are you doing here?" Asked Al holding the elder ((A/N: Wrath is older than Al by ten years or so)) in his arms. He closed the final car door and made his way back over to the twins.

"Miss Rizzy was nice enough to bring me! Can I see Mommy? I fell asleep in the car. It was bumpy, but fun! Mister Snap kept looking mad. I was fun! Hey! Uncle Al! Look! A kity!" Before Al could correct Wrath on what Nwat was, the sin had jumped down and begun to cuddle the chimera, who apparently enjoyed it, nosing Wrath's ear.

'Miss Rizzy?' Questioned Al mentally, watching the homunculus and chimera happily. 'Oh. Miss Hawkeye.' Al sat down gingerly on the bench, watching Wrath and Nwat play. Tawn was still counting the minutes (I'll spare you), and not much else was happening.

Except the bagel stand was about to open.

-Pot Isn't Addictive..Messed up Break Line Are!-

After a thorough search of the building, Roy, Riza and Ed sat on a pair of hard back chairs and sighed. The trio had met up with the other four, who were currently wiping sweaty and dusty faces while sitting down as well.

The search had revealed nothing. It was utterly useless, a waste of time. But the mindless job gave Ed one good thing. It gave her time to think.

About Envy, about Roy, about Wrath who she just wanted to cuddle...and the ring. It hadn't been until Mustang had asked the blond what she was holding so tightly the she noticed in was still in her palm. After telling the unconvinced Colonel it was nothing, Ed had gone to a separate room in order to examine Envy's final gift to her.

It was shaped like the orborous, symbol of the cycle of life and death, that the homunculi had on different parts of their body. The one Ed had was crimson, flecked with black and gold. It was amazingly well detailed, with two tiny diamonds as eyes. Calling it a ring was vague, since it was large enough to go on Armstrong's pinkie (about the size of two thumbs). Ed hoped this wasn't a comment on her size, as she strongly suspected.

Because of how large it was, Ed had transmuted a fine chain to hang it on, before putting the almost-necklace around her neck.

She was angry at Envy for giving her such a pretty thing when, the next time they met, it would be a fight to the death. Her heart and mind were conflicted.

Which was probably why her face was contorted enough to get Riza's attention. "Ed, are you okay? You seem sick." Asked the worried militarist, frowning.

Roy heard this, as did the others. "Yes, Fullmetal, are sick? We can't have that?" Ed watched his hand come out to check her forehead for temperature, and she scowled.

"Don't touch me." Ordered the teen, before using her automail hand to cool down her face. She did feel slightly ill, but that was beside the point. "It's nothing. Woman crap."

She watched in suspicion as Roy began to smirk, retracting his arm. "Woman, Fullmetal? I'd think someone of your stature would be considered just a little girl."

'5...4...3...2...1...' Thought a tired 'Rizy' as she watched a tic form on the small alchemist's forehead. Sure enough, upon 0, Ed drew herself up, took a deep breath, and screamed:

"WHO'S-SO-SMALL-THEY-COULD-PASS-AS-A-RING-THAT'S-NOT-A-RING-BUT-STILL-SMALLER-THAN-YOU-SO-YOU-CAN-MAKE-FUN-OF-IT!" Riza raised a blond eyebrow at the..original...outburst, before putting a hand on the midget's shoulder.

"Calm down Ed, he didn't say that." She assured, while Havoc suddenly looked like he had been hit with a brilliant idea. For some reason, the three who'd joined him at the front looked nervously at his gun at this.

"That's right Boss. Woman crap. Are you going to explain why you're a girl?" Asked Jean, and his three comrades sighed in relief.

"Well..." Now settled, Ed began to chew her lip, unaware on how it made her look in the eyes of some pedophiles in the room. "I was afraid what people would think if not just a 12-year-old passed, but a 12-year-old girl. And my mom always wanted a son named Edward." She tugged at her braid. "Also, you can't tell Al this one..." she blushed, staring out the window. "My old lover told me it would be a riot if he could watch people call me 'Edward'. I told him it would be a riot if I could watch people call him 'Gender-confused anorexic palm-tree'." Ed decided she felt safe enough saying this, since none of the others had ever met Envy.

They all raised an eyebrow at the 'Gender-confused anorexic palm-tree' part, but remained silent. That is, until Mustang added his two cents. "Sooo...how many people know you're female?"

Ed, who had been expecting some comment or another on her story, gave the man a surprised look. Then she answered, mentally ticking it off. "Al, Tawn, Nwat, Wr-William, that guy I was telling you about, Auntie Pinako, Winry-I don't know if she's dead or not though, and you guys." She finished with a sigh as she remembered her best friend forever, Winry Rockbell, who disappeared shortly after the death of her parents. ((A/N: You thought I'd forgotten her, didn't you? Well, if you read the first chapter, you notice that I mention Winry's disappearance))

"That's good to know. I can't wait to see how we'll announce it publicly." Mustang absently rubbed his chin, noticing he needed to shave soon.

"I don't want anyone to know." Replied Ed sullenly. She leaned back in her chair and frowned. "It's my decision, and I'd rather avoid getting mobbed by the press."

"Fine..." Sighed Roy. "Let's get going."

The chairs scraped as the militarists got up and began to head out the building and to the ones waiting for them at the train station.

-BREAK LINE!-

Ed had been happy to be reunited with Wrath, it appeared. Al watched with a head shake as she ran over and jumped Wrath, who was still holding Nwat.

"Wr-William! I missed you!" Ed announced, making a Homunculus X Chimera X Alchemist sandwich while she hugged her pretend-son.

"Hey, can we go now? Asked Tawn, breaking up the semi-adorable moment. "And you're suffocating Nwat."

"Oops..." Muttered Ed as she pulled out the flattened Nwat, tossing him at an outraged Tawn. "Yah...let's go."

"Get in the cars everyone!" Ordered Mustang, putting his arm up in the air. Al wondered if he was trying to imitate superman.

"Here Al! I transmuted this car so you can fit!" Announced Ed, looking insanely proud at the simple transmutation of a hole in the roof of one car. Al's thoughts, now pulled away from what the Colonel would like wearing superman's outfit (with his big sister as wonder woman), climbed in. Ed followed, along with Wrath. Tawn and Nawt sat in the front seat while Riza came to drive.

When everyone was in place, the cars set off, going into a rather cool arrow formation. They had been driving for ten minutes when Riza commented, "it looks like rain."

Sure enough, Alphonse, as he looked up, saw a bunch of thunderheads. Which was a problem, seeing as how, from the shoulders up, he was outside the car.

"Sister...um...my blood seal.." Al said nervously, putting his hand where he assumed Ed to be. He got no answer. Watching a drop of water hit the roof, he panicked. "SISTER!" Sure, his mother had done the blood seal, but Ed knew about it.

Finally, Ed said something. Al was relieved, until he heard what she was saying-well, screaming. "WOW! WITH ALL THE WIND PRESSURE, I CAN'T HEAR A SINGLE THING AL SAYS! GOOD THING HIS LIFE ISN'T IN DANGER!"

There was a collection of raining, and Al hit his head on the roof. 'Stupid Edwina and her stupid mental issues!' He thought angrily. Finally, five minutes later, when lightning began to flash and thunder boom, the rain began to pour in sheets, Al almost cried.

But he couldn't, 'cause he's nothing but a soul in a suit of armor! Haha.

-Break Line-

Meanwhile, inside Riza's car, Ed, Tawn and Wrath were in a very extreme game of Chinese Checkers. Everyone was dry, warm and happy.

"Ed, I think your brother is going to be caught in the storm." Commented Riza, breaking Ed's concentration. She sighed, putting her wooden ball in a random place (she'd transmuted it all for fun), and glanced out the window.

"Don't worry. Al will be fine. That storm is miles away." The alchemist said this with such confidence, that when Wrath said "Look Mommy! It's raining cats and frogs!" Ed pouted.

"What about Al?" Asked Tawn, breaking through Ed's 'My Pride Has Been Ruined Angst Session'. Ed simply waved a hand in dismissal.

Al's smart...don't worry about it." So they got back to thei game of Chinese Checkers, forgetting about the suit of armor that was Al and his blood seal.

Which was kinda amazing since his body was taking up half the car.

-Bbbbbbbbbbbbbbrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrreeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaakkkkkkkkkk-

Hastily, Al transmuted a small shield for his blood seal, which forced him to lay his helm on the car room. It was very awkward. But not as awkward as Ed was going to be when this trip was over. He'd teach her what it felt like to be left in the rain like a kitten or suit of armor.

"No fair sky. This is the second time you've cried when I've wanted to. I hope you're happy with yourself." Al decided this wasn't enough to describe his anger, so he added, "Bitch."

End Chapter

A/N: Shorter than usual, I know. But still, at least it's an update. And Al's immortal life is in danger...