A Little Unsteady
Chapter 7
Trigger warning: Brief suicidal themes & lots of feels
"So…it's Thursday," Loki's silver spoon tinkled on the glass of iced water. Beads of sweat had formed on the cylinder's frame and slowly traveled down to the tabletop. Loki frowned, maybe he should have asked for a coaster.
The other Avengers, mainly Tony, swiveled a glance over to the trickster. Tony smiled knowingly and Loki tried not to mind.
"And tomorrow's Friday and Saturday comes afterward. Have you been inspired by Rebecca Black?"
The reference zoomed over Loki's head and Tony appeared exasperated.
"You haven't seen it? God, where have you been all this time?"
"Being tortured, mainly."
Tony pouted. "No fair, you don't know the history of that song and if you did, you know torture would be the same as having to watch that music video."
"What's a music video?"
Tony immediately face palmed.
"I can't with this-guys, can one of you handle this lack of essential Internet knowledge?"
"Oh, I can explain," Thor mentioned, stepping in.
"I'd rather you didn't." Loki murmured, picking up an ice cube with his fingers, feeling the cool tone and trying not to think back to Jotunheim.
"You see, Loki, a music video is a videotaped performance of a recorded popular song usu-"
"Hey, are you consulting Google for that? That's totally plagiarism."
Thor's brows came together. "What is this term called plagiarism?"
Tony smirked. "Ask Google, Point Break."
"I am not Googling at you, Stark."
"That-I don't know what to say to that. Have you ever heard of a dictionary? You may want to invest in one. Actually, Jarvis, order a dictionary for Point Break on Amazon."
"Amazon? Why don't you just go to Target?" This was from the archer.
Loki had begun to check out momentarily from the conversation but this questioning sparked new interest in him.
"Yes, let us go to this Target."
"It's not a weapons place," Barton forewarned and Loki found himself shrugging, nonchalantly.
"Even so, all the more reason to go," Loki amended with a small twinkle in his eye. Tony understood that the demigod just wanted to get out of the tower so he didn't bite his lip when he said loud and clear, "I call driving. Lokes could use the scenic route."
"What happened to the one nearest here?" Natasha quietly asked.
"Loki blew it up."
"Alas, brother."
"My apologies," Loki asserted with a mournful frown. "I take full responsibility for that."
Tony smiled; for a flicker of a moment pride swelled in his chest. Maybe Loki wasn't so bad after all.
"Who wants shotgun?"
"Again, not a weapon. It's the front passenger seat of the car," Barton informed matter-of-factly.
"I will take it," Loki said, a hint of mischief in his eyes.
"It's settled, we're going." Tony declared, rising from his chair with utmost grace. "Who's coming with?" He asked, brown eyes falling over each team member.
"I'll go," Steve piped up from the back of the room, sketchbook and pencil in hand as he scurried it across the open page.
"All right. Who else?" Tony gazed over at the assassins.
"Someone's gotta keep an eye on you boys," Natasha quipped daringly while Barton let out a relieved sigh.
"Good, means I don't have to go." Barton gazed over at Loki. "Sorry Lobster, but someone's gotta keep an ear out for Fury if anything comes up."
"Understood," Loki said, watching the cube of ice melt in his palm.
"I will go!" The loud assertion came from the thunder god.
Loki made a displeased face. "I will not go if he's coming."
Tony immediately took the position of placating the demigods as Thor tossed Loki a saddened expression. "Okay, you both have got to play nice." Tony gestured a lazy pointer finger between the two of them. "Are we going to settle this here or do we need to have a detoured discussion?"
Loki stuck his tongue out to Thor. "Cave, brother."
Thor adamantly shook his head. "I will not."
Loki's eyes narrowed into a glare. "Thor, you're being childish."
"No more than you." The thunder god replied, hands rustling into his hair.
"Guys," Tony began but Loki interrupted with a correction:
"Gods."
Tony rolled his eyes. "Whatever." He turned to Loki. "Can Thor come if he goes in a different vehicle and stays separate from you?"
Loki's lips pursed in thought. Finally, he relented. "Fine, I suppose that is acceptable."
"Aewsome. Okay, anybody else?"
Bruce, who had been looking over Steve's shoulder watching him draw, raised a hand. "I'd like to go." He pulled at the collar of his shirt. "It's getting so stuffy in here."
"Okay, so that's how many?" Tony's eyes gazed up at the ceiling as he did some quick math. "Six, right? Hmph," he pointed to Thor. "You're the extra wheel."
Loki jumped up at the suggestion. "Ha, you can't ride with us!" He seemed a little too happy about that. Tony could hasten a guess as to why.
Thor frowned, clearly bristled at being called out. His face brightened as he realized a suitable solution. He grabbed the long handle of Mjolnir and spun it quickly by his side at the kitchen table.
"I can fly!"
"Show off," Loki immediately muttered under his breath. Not wasting another moment, he again got up abruptly from his chair almost knocking over his glass. "Let's go, before something else impedes our progress."
With that said, the Avengers slowly dislodged themselves from their seats and into a crooked line zig zagging here to there to get ready for their trip.
~#~
The scenic route, Loki came to find out, was less scenic and more absolutely terrifying. It started innocently enough and Loki couldn't understand the small smile on the inventor's lips until they hit the main road. From there, things got…chaotic to say the least.
New York City driving in these large plastic and metal boxes of death was not what Loki was expecting. By scenic route, Loki expected trees, countryside and dirt paths. He definitely wasn't expecting pedestrians walking across the street seemingly without a care to their lives, honking alarms, so many yellow-what did the mortals call it? Taxis-and bumper to bumper traffic with hosts of yelling and bright, dazzling lights.
"Is this safe?" Loki's voice cracked on the last word but a large black BMW quickly darted in front of theirs and he had to let out a yelp of surprise when Tony slammed on the brakes.
"You really should put on your seatbelt," Bruce cautiously advised from the back middle seat.
"How is this thread of cloth meant to protect me?" Loki stated with doubt, casting a disbelieving look back at Banner.
"It'll prevent you from colliding into the windshield and out onto the gravel." Tony said over one shoulder as he accelerated the vehicle forwards again.
"That happens?" Loki asked incredulously.
Tony nodded simply as he turned up the music on the car's dashboard. Reluctantly, Loki fingered the cloth before ultimately pulling on the seatbelt. Unfortunately, the cool metal refused to click into the clip on the side of the seat.
"How does this work?" Loki mumbled with a frown, unfamiliar with these mortal contraptions.
"You have to angle it," Tony helped, motioning his hand at a particular angle. With this direction, Loki finally got it to click in place.
With the noise of the radio folding notes into the muffled air of the car Loki admired the passing view outside the glass window.
He still saw a lot of destruction and collapsed buildings from the aftermath of his battle. Loki shifted uncomfortably with anxiety at the thought. He wasn't so sure if the team had quite forgiven him for the events that followed him into Midgard and he was surprised to find himself caring what they thought of him. He tilted his head and as his green eyes gazed over the rubble he realized that all he really wanted was to be loved and accepted. The Avengers, sans Thor (and even then), didn't really know him and despite the bullshit he had landed himself in by getting here, they had still been patient and cautiously accepting of him. They didn't excuse the hundreds he killed but they understood better where he had been coming from and Loki found himself wondering if they would accept him more or less if they knew of his past. Maybe they would run and hide if they knew who-what-he really was.
But something inside of Loki's chest told him that they wouldn't-and he couldn't help but feel exasperated that nothing in the world would send them away quite like how his adopted family or those on Asgard had. He had never been accepted for who he was on Asgard, and while he wasn't quite yet on Midgard, either, he felt more appreciation and love here than anywhere else in the universe. Loki felt cared for, loved, even concerned for by those around him. It was a strange feeling to get used to. To think that Loki was worth something despite all the bullshit he had been put through warmed the icicles around his heart until a sopping mess was all that was left.
It took a moment for Loki to recognize the emotion tangoing with his heart: regret. He knew not if he regretted his actions or regretted the fact that he's been treated so well despite the cruelty of them.
Was torture a genuine excuse or was it bordering on an explanation? And if he wasn't regretful for attacking a planet he knew little about and made friends later with its inhabitants-would that change the Avengers acceptance? Would they drop contact with him if they knew he didn't feel remorse or would they try to show him how to deal with his emotions and prejudices in a healthier way?
Loki knew, with a sigh, that it would likely be the latter. For whatever reason, a reason Loki had yet to understand, the Avengers had grown to like Loki-and if he were honest with himself he would know that the feeling was mutual. He gained a little more self-worth and self-compassion each time he interacted with one of the Avengers. Steve would hover like a mother hen and be respectful of his boundaries and be genuine in a kind way that Loki felt he had never quite encountered before. Bruce would engage in passing conversation with him and clearly wanted to help him even when Loki wasn't sure he wanted (or deserved) that help. Barton…Barton didn't attempt to end his life when given the chance, so Loki counted that as being helpful. Natasha had the least amount of interaction with the trickster and was sitting directly behind the inventor so she had a full field of vision of the mischief maker.
Speaking of the inventor, Loki stole a glance over to Stark now with a fondness he hadn't experienced in a long time. The Man of Iron was…persistent. Loki, for his part, admired that. Time and time again the inventor had been there for Loki and it pleased him so very, very much. Tony had taken the time to listen to all of the trickster's nonsense and a love had grown in him because of that. Even now, in this moment, had Tony not taken the bait of Loki's inner most wishes, he probably wouldn't be sitting in the car venturing away from the heroes tower. Loki smiled slightly as he felt…at home.
Maybe being an Avenger, if he was one, wasn't so bad after all.
~#~
Loki felt like a burst of energy exuded itself from his lungs when he saw the red bull's eye of a sign along with the word Target nearby and red balls lining the outer edge of the store. It wasn't that the mortals had created something so outstanding but that he felt relief flow through him that his elder sibling was nowhere in near sight.
Of course, just as he stumbled upon this realization, he felt a heavy hand fall upon his shoulder. He had a split second to hope it wasn't father.
"Brother! You made it in one piece," Thor observed with a grin on his face.
"And so did you," the trickster grumbled as his eyes went downcast quickly to hide his distaste for the situation. In mild jest he added, "You didn't get lost."
His green eyes met Thor's momentarily and something there in his older brother's eyes flickered before disappearing.
"Aye, brother… I didn't want to lose you." The latter was almost barely spoken at all and Loki felt his cheeks redden in confusion before the billionaire inventor brushed his hand lightly on Loki's shoulder as a way of rearranging his dumbfounded thoughts.
"So the dictionaries are probably around the books section which will probably be around the back of the place."
"Those are a lot of probably's," Loki replied, a questioning brow rising in Stark's direction.
"Yeah, well, each store layout is…relatively fucked up." He shrugged as though it was of little importance, and maybe, Loki thought, maybe it was. "Either way the dollar spot is at the front with clothing behind it, a food section, electronics and pet care and other stuff like that." Tony skimmed his hand into the air as if it was all relative.
"The dollar spot is where they have good deals on stationery." Several pairs of silently judging eyes turned to Steve who stood with a glimmer in his eye and a childlike enthusiasm lingering across his facial features.
"What?" the super soldier inquired with so much innocence that a smile came to Loki's lips.
"Why do you know that, exactly?" Tony asked, brown eyes gazing over his red sunglasses.
"If you can't see the practicality of to do lists and page flags, we can't be friends." A seriousness embraced Steve's blue eyes and Loki had to swallow back a chortle.
Bruce, amongst the silent members of the team was the only one to nod in true understanding.
"Okay, so, Cap, you do you while Thor and Bruce find the dictionary and the rest of us will go…wherever else." Tony instructed as he began to stride with purpose into the store. Loki couldn't help but happily trot after him with Natasha close behind.
~#~
The innocence of the moment, of the situation to be standing in a Midgardian shopping center amongst heroes turned friends struck Loki as odd right when the hallways of large televisions played the news stations surrounding Loki's attempt at world domination. The trickster watched almost in awe as destruction and light balls of energy came over and over again as the Chitauri soldiers climbed the scaffolding of buildings and nameless mortals ran screaming for their lives.
Loki felt a flicker of…not remorse but pain engulf his senses. His eyes narrowed as he felt his body stiffen and he felt rooted to the ground like a giant cypress. Was he really all that different now from the demigod then who killed with glee?
A heaviness of the burden of these questions settled heavily at the nape of his neck, until he heard a voice so unexpected he found himself turning around.
"There are no easy answers here," Natasha stated coolly, green eyes reviewing Loki's stance with well concealed knowledge.
Loki made to raise his chin in defiance but found himself instead collapsing with grief as a large sigh passed between his lips.
"I…don't know if I regret it." He stated quietly, eyes averted.
"Are you different now than you were before?"
"I…suppose."
"Then that's all that matters." Natasha stepped forward carefully, showing she was unafraid of Loki, which reminded him so very much of their interrogation on the helicarrier. He felt his insides twist uncomfortably. "We've all done things we wished we hadn't. It's not about what we did before; it's about what we're doing with the aftermath now. We can't change the past, no one can, however, we can change the way we relate to a problem."
"Even if you're the problem?" His voice was small.
"Even then," Natasha validated. "Chances are you weren't always the problem, and, even if you were, that's not a death sentence. Just because you were made into a monster all your life doesn't mean that's what you have to conform to. Even monsters have a heart. Things change," Natasha shrugged a shoulder. "People grow, life happens. Nothing stays the same. You either grow with it or you remain stationary. The choice is up to you."
"Isn't that a contradiction?"
Natasha smiled, "Such is life."
Loki nodded, concluding that he had a lot to think about. As he began to turn away from the assassin, his eyes crawled back to her. "Thank you, Agent Romanoff."
He didn't wait for the wink she gave him, instead turning down an aisle of puffy pillows and instantly walking quicker as he spotted his older sibling standing with a stare of confusion at a shelf of books.
Loki just managed to hear the wisps of Thor's conversation with Banner as the elder demigod questioned why there was a horribly inaccurate book on Norse mythology within this Midgardian store's possession.
Ducking into the next nearest aisle, Loki found himself amongst a row of candles. They were of several sizes and plentiful scents and they were interesting for a little while before Loki in mid-smell of a vanilla cupcake one felt the cloaks of dread encircle his vision.
By the Norns, not again, he thought to himself, inwardly cringing as the symptoms began to take ahold. Somewhere between him dropping the damn candle, the smell of vanilla deliciousness and a nearby human child screaming in fright from an otherwise defenseless trickster, he found himself praying that this would be the end of everything for him so he just wouldn't have to endure this level of embarrassment from being sick in front of the other Avengers and apparently every wide-eyed human citizen who was spending their time staring at him with scowls and looks of terror.
This wasn't exactly the way he wanted things to go for him in his life. I was supposed to be someone; Loki couldn't help but let the thought slip into his conscious awareness as his eyes rolled around uselessly in his skull. He faintly heard voices around him but he couldn't make out the words. I can't, I can't… Loki remembered thinking briefly, unable to control what was happening to his body, mind and soul.
I am so broken. Loki thought. I am the shell of who I once was. Is there any feasible way to put me out of my misery?
Flashes of ideas came to his mind, maneuvers of things, but it all sounded like noiseless chatter, chatter which he could not possibly formulate into tangible words let alone realistic actions. He felt hands-he hoped they were hands-press against his shoulders. He felt that clearly, pressure on his shoulders but he wasn't able to discern by whom.
The thought circled back into his mind of the faces of the nearby mortals, and while months ago he would have taken pleasure in their fright, now it just made him feel sick. Or maybe that was just his sickness talking. It was hard to tell one from the other, harder even to tell what was happening around him as his thoughts turned to sludge and his heart beat rapidly in his chest.
It was during this sense of distortion and uncertainty that he glimpsed just a smidge of the pale faced thunder god with worried blue eyes before the darkness finally swooped in and he felt the soothing familiarity of nothing at all.
~#~
"Is he all right?" Thor asked earnestly, not having bared witness to his brother's fainting spells before. He bit his tongue so hard that it ached and he could hear Stark chattering nearby to get the other mortal citizens away from the slightly quarantined area around the trickster.
"Unlikely." The dark reply came from Banner but he quickly looked back at Thor while adding, "These are what his fainting spells are like. I know you haven't seen one before and this may be alarming, and it is, but we'll take good care of him."
Bruce nodded to Natasha who helped pick up the pieces of the candle Loki had once been holding and murmured something towards the captain whose hands were pressed firmly to Loki's shoulders that was so softly spoken, Thor didn't even hear a word of it.
"It's best that we take him back to the car now and begin the test at the tower," Banner was saying, but Thor was already swinging his hammer and moving forwards to collect his younger sibling.
"I wouldn't-" Cap began but Thor just shot him a dirty look and Cap took one for the team and let the thunder god do as he pleased. The demigod shot through the roof of the establishment with Loki in his arms without another mumbled word.
Soon after, a mouth slightly agape Tony came sauntering over declaring, "Does he really expect me to cover the roofing for this place too?" Tony sighed, shoulders slumping as he wracked a hand through his hair.
"Do we know where he just went?" The inventor asked the team, worry leaking through his tone.
Cap offered a grim expression, Natasha was on the phone, Bruce was looking towards the ground before meekly mumbling, "The tower, presumably."
Tony again sighed but with even more exasperation.
"All right, let's head back." And find our demigods in one piece, he hoped.
~#~
He awoke gradually, each sense being ignited with an overwhelming amount of stimuli. First, he heard whimpers and passing cars, footsteps and baseless chatter. Next, he noticed the foul stench of New York City and the taste of bitterness behind his closed lips.
Then there was sight-slowly at first, indiscernible shapes and smudges of gray then everything coming into focus all at once and his older brother residing over him with his blonde head down.
The younger demigod couldn't help but blink in surprise before the events fell back into place like mirages become clearer in the desert and he understood that this was the aftermath of all that he had ever done.
….They weren't necessarily close anymore, he and Thor, but it was still a strange and slightly uncomfortable sight to see him so openly weeping.
Thor, for all his might, all his naivety and brimming of hope and positivity and light…it just felt wrong for him to be crying and crying so much so for Loki of all beings. At least, that's what Loki figured, reasoned even, that Thor was crying about. But even so, it had been years since Loki had witnessed this level of vulnerability from his older sibling. It was strange and slightly heartwarming and also inevitably terrifying all wrapped up into one moment.
When the rest of Loki's senses came together, knitting like threads of yarn on crotchet hooks, he realized he appeared to be held in his brother's arms in a dirty back alley somewhere in New York.
Pouting at the realization, and awkward enough to be reacting with the comfort he knew Thor so desperately sought after, Loki grazed a few of his cool fingertips along Thor's cheek.
The elder sibling froze for what felt like a full minute.
"…Brother?" It was awkward and he was flustered and a little more than embarrassed that he was residing in Thor's lap, but he felt the term of siblingship would help to soothe Thor in his moment of need. He waited for Thor to say something, to do something, but he never did. Instead, Loki plowed forwards with slight hesitation.
"Thor, why are we in an alley?"
Thor must not have been expecting this retort because he laughed heartily.
"Oh, brother, you would point out that detail."
His eyes shone with so many conflicting emotions in his blue orbs. He felt afraid, helpless, hopeful, uncertain, eased and emotional, to name but a few. A few tears slid down from his eyes as he gazed upon his green-eyed friend.
"I really do love you, Loki." Seriousness had entered his tone as though the notion were no more than non-negotiable fact. And maybe for all intents and purposes it was. Maybe in Thor's eyes Loki was someone after all. Maybe in Thor's eyes Loki could find his home, even if that home was millions of miles away from the 'home' he thought he once needed and had to fight for. Maybe, after all, Loki was worth something to the very being he'd been trying to prove himself to be better than, if not equal to, all his life.
Staring at Thor, in this moment now, Loki found a part of his soul come alive. He felt a hundred different emotions strike free like a flame from a match and he didn't know where exactly he began and where he ended. But he knew now, he knew in this moment, things had to be different.
Things had to be better than this hell he'd been pulled apart under for months. There had to be some reason, some answer, as to why he had struggled all his life, but he wasn't so concerned now with finding it or discovering it under some sand castle.
Instead, he connected with Thor in a way that he felt he never truly had before. Loki felt that with Thor staring back at him right now, that he may have been worthy all along. That not being of the same blood did little to change all the history that the two had together. Loki felt that Thor was seeing him, all of him, rather than just looking through him. Thor knew. He saw. And he wasn't running away in the other direction. He didn't completely understand, and maybe he never would, but Loki felt in that moment that Thor had accepted him even while desperately trying to convince his younger sibling to fight for his life because he deserved to live it.
It was minutes that they stared at each other, but to Loki it could have been hours. But what he took away from that moment lasted centuries. It was a pivotal turn of events because he felt within him the will to live revitalized.
He was Loki. He was someone after all.
And he would fight this faceless enemy with the last breath he took.
He narrowed his eyes and said quietly but with a firm tone, "I think we have a test to run." And he smiled a little upturn of his lips and Thor stared back at him before nodding and chuckling softly.
"Aye, brother, we do."
A/N: Aaaaa! We are FINALLY back with an update! Sorry that it's taken soooo long! In this document's title I see that I last worked on this chapter way back in May of 2018, which, was a while ago so, you know, that's a thing.
But I'm back and will try to write another chapter soon! I hope that you both laughed and cried in this chapter, because you know, feels! I certainly did. Also, high five to the reference to my first uploaded story "My Heart Beats, Too" (if you haven't read it, you should!) xxx
In fact, if you're kind enough to, try and leave me a review of what you think and where you think this story is going! This update will be posted on and AO3, hooray! I have had days of writer's block filled with moments of writer's vibes and uncovered a decade old House MD fanfic that I will be working on in the next rounds of writer's block to have that officially finished and uploaded while also breaking out some new stories ("If I Only Could", "It's You I Breathe", and a perspective of terrorism for dealing with what happened in NYC in Avengers (untitled as of right now)) while ALSO bringing in some of the newer/older works like "This Would Be the End", "Come to Pass", "Distorted & Disordered", "Severed" and "Carpe et Capere." Oh boy, that sounds like a lot of work! Lol, it'll be good though!
So yeah, leave me a review and let me know what you think of this story thus far! I know this is my most popular fanfic and I have some amazingly supportive readers out there and it's slightly intimidating to preserve the writing as much as possible but I hope that I can bring meaningful topics under consideration by just writing where the flow takes me. If you look deep enough, you'll find hidden traces of me in this particular chapter. I'm also swelling with pride for how well, I think, I managed to convey feels and humor within this chapter! Hooray, I feel this makes me a part of the unofficial official MCU crew, ahahah.
But, I'm off to upload and eventually write more! See you guys in the next one, whatever that happens to be! xxx
Written: 5.12, 5.14, 6.5, 6.11, 6.13, 6.15, 6.18, 7.7.2018 & 1.8, 1.15, 1.16.2019
PS No offense to Rebecca Black, either; she's actually a pretty good singer. ;)
PPS If you want to know what I'm up to when I'm not updating fanfics, check out my social medias in my bio!