I stare at the vacant spot where Sara had just been not a moment ago.
Please be sarcasm, I think to myself. At least she didn't wink at me. I bite the nails on my fingers and forget where I am as I think of other things Sara could have done before she left. I remember a fan fiction where Sara and I had sex in the shower. Sara walked in on Tegan and stepped in, fully clothed. I bite a nail too close to skin and snap out of my daydream. The irritating pain throbbing from my middle finger feels like a stab of karma to my taboo thoughts. What if I tore off a nail every time I thought dirty of Sara? Punishment for my disgusting thoughts.
You'd be left without fingers by the end of the day.
I sigh and step under the warm water cascading from the shower head.
The lashings of water sent prickles up her back, and the droplets bounced off of her face and chest as she smoothed her hair back, eyes shut tightly until she heard the bathroom door opening and closing.
Her eyes snapped open, hands shooting in opposite directions to cover her bare breasts and trim as she crossed her legs and hunched her shoulders, hiding herself as best she could. She thought it might have been a hotel maid, maybe a bell boy, at worst one of the guys coming to see if she would be joining them for dinner. The last person she would have expected it to be was Sara – she was never intrusive, and she would have noticed that the bathroom light was on and that the door was shut. She would have even taken the time to listen out for the running water, concurring that her sister would be in the shower – she was always very thorough when it came to picking up on smaller details.
"Whoa! Jesus Sara, ever heard of knocking?" Tegan continued gripping at her flesh which was tinged red with the embarrassment of being caught naked by her sister – it was almost worse than if she would have flashed one of the band members. She cursed the hotel and its absence of shower curtains.
Sara didn't move, she kept her eyes on Tegan as she continued to stand under the stream of cold water. Instead of stepping away with an apology like she usually would, she advanced; moving closer to Tegan, never taking her gaze off of her.
"Seriously Sara, get the fuck out…what are you doing?" Tegan felt a slight panic, unsettled by her sister's constant stare and strange attitude as she continued to walk towards to the tub before swinging her leg over, stepping into the bath still fully clothed, "Sara, what the fuck, are you cr-"
This time it was Sara who cut her sister off, pressing her soft lips hard against Tegan's, who sunk back in shock, her head and back resting heavily against the tiled walls as her eyes widened in bewilderment. She wanted to push Sara away, ask her what she was doing, but she didn't want to lift her arms and reveal herself fully to her sister. Much to Tegan's relief however, Sara broke the kiss, looking Tegan deep in the eyes as she stood clothes and hair sodden and shivering slightly under the cold spray.
No, Tegan. Pull it together. Think of something else. Beefy arms. Chest hair. Cock. Big, nasty, cock with veins.
Sara with a cock. Those hands stroking her shaft, rubbing it all over my wet pussy. Waiting to fill me, to be enveloped inside of-
"Hey, Tegan?"
I slam my skull against the shower head, curses flying out of my clenched teeth. I clear my throat and pinch the bridge of my nose as I brace myself behind the shower curtain.
"Yeah?" Perfect timing, Sara. Just perfect. I'm so close. Tentatively, I let my fingers wander lower, back where they had been nestled deep inside a heady, wet heat.
"Can I use your laptop?" Sara asks casually.
"No!" I shout before clamping my mouth shut with my free hand and squeezing my eyes shut. I pump my fingers faster, in and out of me. She can't catch me doing this unless she rips the curtain back. I feel a stone of guilt pull my chest down, but the building pleasure from my center balances it out.
This is not okay, Tegan. Just because she doesn't know what you're doing doesn't mean it's not wrong!
"What's up with you?" Sara asks, her voice carrying into the bathroom. She's getting closer and so am I.
"I just have a surprise for you on it and I don't want you to see it yet." I lie. At the moment, I don't feel any remorse or regret for lying to her. It's for the best right now. Still, I hope it's enough to convince her.
"I just need to look something up, I'm not going to go through your stuff." Sara presses on as my fingers continue working me.
"It's uh, open. If you open my laptop, there's no way to avoid seeing it." I grit my teeth when I hit an especially sensitive spot. I rub my neglected button and quicken the speed of my hand, planting a palm on the tiled wall to stay on my feet. My knees bend and I hang my head, biting my lip as I come fiercely against my hand.
"Fine, Tegan." Sara huffs and the sound of the front door of the hotel room shutting follows. I sit down and slide my legs close to my chest, letting the water pound on my back and shoulders. I want to drown somehow. Let the water swallow me up and spit me out like new, because I can't keep thinking about Sara. It's tearing me apart. But I want to know what it's like to be with Sara. I just know it's not possible and it's not going to happen. I can't let my sick curiosity take me under. All I've got to do is forget about it.
I lift myself out of the bathtub and dry myself off. In ten minutes, I pull my suitcase with my laptop packed under clean shirts and a bundle of socks to the tour bus. When I step on board, Sara is sitting at the kitchen table, eating a pack of saltines while Chris makes her a cup of coffee. I shuffle through the tight space to get to my bunk and put my bags away in their designated compartment.
Sara's bunk is the furthest from mine, directly above Ted and right next to Shaun. The curtain of hers is shut and my mind goes right to the fan fiction where Sara and I share a bunk during the freezing winter to keep warm. A sad pang swells in my chest thinking about the impossibilities.