A/N: I don't totally love this chapter. Sorry. The next one will be better, I promise.

Chapter Seven

Tuesday, I don't say a word to Kaoru. I hardly look at him. Hikaru takes this to mean that the two of us are having a fight and makes it his duty to find out what put us at odds. Though he mentions nothing of trying to fix our supposed broken friendship.

Kaoru, on the other hand, doesn't seem at all perturbed by my silence. He acts like nothing is wrong. Like nothing has changed. He doesn't even act like he plans to allude to the fact that we so much as had a conversation yesterday! How can he be so casual? He just told me – what is probably – his biggest secret! And it doesn't even phase him.

How do I get to that point? Where I can just mention something so personal and not care what other people are going to think or say or do in reaction. How did I ever stop being like that? Other people didn't used to matter to me. I need to get back to that frame of mind. How did he learn to be so cool about it? Like it's no big deal that he sliced his wrist open with maybe the intention of ending everything.

Oh my god, his wrist!

Does he have a scar? I've never noticed one, but is that because there isn't one or because I've never looked. There probably isn't one. Because he's rich. And rich people can pay for fancy treatments that basically make the past disappear.

I try to steal glances when he's taking notes to see if his wrist has any sort of blemish. Did he mention yesterday which wrist he cut? No, I don't think so, but he's right-handed, so common sense would say his left. Because he would naturally grab the razor – was it even a razor? I don't think he mentioned that either – with his dominant hand.

So I just need a small glance at his left wrist. Just one moment to determine if there's a mark.

I've never been one for covert operations, so it shouldn't surprise me that Kaoru notices my intentions. When his left hand comes to rest, palm up, on his desk, giving me a clear view of the wrist I've been obsessing over, I can't help but freeze. His right hand is still lazily taking notes as he keeps his attention on the lecture, but it's so obvious he placed it there for me.

There's a scar. It's thin, and short, and probably not nearly as bad as it once was. You really can't even tell that it's there unless you're looking for it.

I force my eyes back to my own notes. Or what should have been my notes, if I was able to concentrate on the lesson for even a second. But I can't because he really did cut his wrist! And he's doing it again; he's being so open about what he's been through. His left arm is now propping his head up, further proving its previous placement was for my benefit.

Will my palm scar? It required stitches, but that's supposed to help prevent a scar, right? Will I forever be forced to look at my mistake? Because that's what it was. A stupid mistake that I would take back if I could.

Especially because it meant breaking my promise to Kyoya which forced me into sessions with Dr. Kaneko, who I have to see later today. Yeah, I would definitely hit the 'undo' button if it existed.

At the final bell I rush out of class, not because I think Kaoru might try to finally bring it up, but because I have no idea how to talk to him now. It's too late to try to make him feel better, not that I would have a clue how to do that, and everything else just feels hollow. I can't believe I tried to divert the conversation to homework yesterday. Stupid.

::::::

The Ootori's car is waiting outside the school to take me to the doctor's office. Kyoya is standing in front of it, waiting for me. Waiting to make sure I show up. Thanks for the vote of confidence, Kyoya. He doesn't ride with me at least. Maybe I can convince the driver to take me elsewhere. I could buy a cake and take it to Honey. I'd rather talk to him anyway. It'll never work.

Last time I was here I hardly had time to take in my surroundings. Saturday wasn't a usual business day, so there was no waiting. I was ushered straight into the office. But today I get to act like a normal patient. I have to sign in with the receptionist who tells me to have a seat. It'll be a few minutes until Dr. Kaneko can see me.

The waiting room has a doorway with no door. No way to be closed off. I bet they get claustrophobic patients. The wall is like a giant glass window, but it's blurry, frosted, so you can only make out shadows on the other side. For privacy maybe. From in here I can't see the doorway to the doctor's office. A patient could leave with a bit of anonymity. The room is tiny with only 4 chairs. I guess you don't need more for this kind of doctor. The chair closest to the entrance is occupied by a middle-aged woman. She glances up as I walk by, then turns her attention back to her book. A child-size table and chair sits in one corner, unused. In fact it looks like it's hardly been used ever. I guess kids that have to come see a child psychologist don't really feel up to playing.

I pick the seat furthest from the woman. There's a glass end table in between the two middle chairs with a few magazines on it that I eye. I'm too nervous to try reading any of them, and pull out my phone instead. A message from Hikaru demands to know where I ran off to. Still nothing from Kaoru. Does he regret telling me his secret?

"Mom." I glance up at the voice, as does the woman I passed. She stands quickly and makes her way to meet a waiting boy. He's probably a few years younger than me. I wonder what has him screwed up enough to need to be here.

It's only a minute later when the receptionist appears, informing me I can go in now. Lucky me.

"Hello, Haruhi! If you'll just close the door behind you." The doctor is standing behind her desk, shuffling some papers around. A drawer opens and closes, more shuffling. I watch on. Her harsh bun is perfectly in place again. It's bad for your hair to keep it consistantly pulled tight like that. I wonder if she knows.

"Please, have a seat. I'll join you in just a moment." I sit in the same chair as before, trying to make myself relax back into it. I remain rigid. I really don't want to be here again.

She's quick to follow me, as promised, trusty clipboard in hand. "How are you today, Haruhi?"

"Oh, you know. Nothing out of the ordinary." Saying fine would be a lie.

A quick note on her clipboard. I wonder if she writes out full sentences on that thing. It's probably more shorthand notes than anything. Though some look like they must be scribbles. I bet she doodles sometimes. That could be an interesting challenge. Drawing a picture one line at a time, and at slightly different places on the paper so it doesn't look like you're "writing" in the same place each time. It would probably have to be something abstract.

"So, did you do your homework? I asked you to hold two separate conversations with Mrs. Ootori. How did that go?"

I shrug. "I only talked to her once."

"Well that's certainly a start! Tell me, did you absolutely hate it?"

"No...it was fine. We didn't really talk long, or much." I shrug again, frowning. I've never been one to fail at homework.

"That's okay. I just wanted you to put forth the effort, and you did. And not hating it really makes it a success, don't you think? So I want you to keep up with her, okay? When you see Mrs. Ootori around the house don't just nod and pass by. Stop, ask what she's up to or how her day has been. You could continue whatever small conversation you two started before. Small snippets are fine, just so long as you try.

"Let's move on. Why don't you tell me about your friends?"

Why? What do they have to do with why I'm here? Is this a trick to get me to say something she wants to hear?

"What do you want to know?" I ask nonchalantly. Can't have her thinking I'm hiding anything about my friends. I'm an open book as far as she needs to know.

"Oh, how about what you like to do together or how close you are?" She just sounds curious, as if this was a normal conversation instead of a pointed interview where she tries to divulge every hidden detail of my life. Maybe I'm just paranoid. Or tired. Kaoru's confession didn't exactly lead to a restful night.

"Mostly I hang out with my clubmates. A couple of them are in my class, and the rest are upperclassmen. Kyoya Ootori is one of them." She arches an eyebrow in surprise and then nods minutely in understanding. "We're all really close. I have a few friends from my old school that I keep in touch with as well, but I don't really see them anymore."

"Well that's wonderful! What kind of club are you in?"

I stare at the wall, pretending not to hear the question. FRIENDSHIP has caught my eye. A group of kittens seem to be enjoying themselves.

"Haruhi?" She asks when I've been silent to long.

"Hmm?" I turn back towards her. "Oh, sorry! Yeah, my friends are really great. I'm lucky to have them. I don't know where I'd be now if weren't for them."

And there goes her pen. She probably thinks I'm inattentive or have a short attention span or maybe that I'm just rude. As long as I don't have to explain the Host club, that's fine with me. Who knows what kind of problems she would assign to me if she knew I had the whole school fooled about my gender, and how I used their misunderstanding.

"What do you mean by that? Why don't you know where you'd be?"

"Oh!" I guess I said too much in my haste to hide the truth. I shouldn't be making her more curious. It's something I should work on. "Just that they've all really helped me out since…well, since I kind of shut down after. They kind of kept me from losing it."

I wonder how often she goes through pens. "Ah, I see. Do you spend much time with any of them outside of club hours?"

"Yeah." Too much, in fact. They never leave me alone. "We do all kinds of stuff together."

"Well I'm glad to hear that. Is it always as a group? Do you interact with any of them one-on-one? Would you say you have a best friend among them?"

Once again, it matters because…?

I shrug. "We have fun as a group." She doesn't need to know that the fun is forced on me more than half the time. And I don't think I can say I'm friends with one of them more than the others. I can't imagine the host club existing without each of my friends.

"Well, it's nice to have a lot of friends who get along." Yes, it is nice. So why does she sound like she doesn't approve? Am I supposed to have a best friend or something? Is that better than having multiple good friends?

"Let's shift gears, Haruhi." She looks more serious now, not mean, but no longer like we're just having a friendly conversation. "I'd like to know about what happened after your mom died."

Well that was an abrupt change. "What do you mean? She was gone and then it was just dad and me."

"You mentioned that he did his best to take care of you, but I have to say that doesn't sound like he fully succeeded."

I open my mouth to retort, to yell that she doesn't know what she's talking about. Dad did a great job! She doesn't let me speak, holding her hand up to stop me. "I'm not attacking him or putting him down, Haruhi. I'm asking how much responsibility fell to you. As a 5 year-old, how much of your own care did you have to see to?"

"Nothing fell to me," I nearly snarl, fuming at her perception of my dad. "If dad had his way he would have done all the cleaning and cooking between working and playing with me. He would've studied with me any subject I was interested in and helped me cram for tests when I was older. He was a great dad!"

I look away from her, arms over my chest as I finally sit back in the chair. I have to calm down. Last session I held my tongue, not wanting 'rage issues' added to my profile. So much for that. But I can keep it from getting worse. Deep breaths.

"I didn't mean to imply that he was anything but great. I apologize." She's trying to be soothing, further proof that I let a bit too much anger into my tirade. "So you didn't have to do anything, then. I understand. But you did, right? Can you tell me what role you took on? How soon after your mother's death?"

"Right away. Dad nearly fell apart so I did as much as I could to help. I took on most of the cleaning so dad had time to rest, and when I was a bit older I took on most of the cooking. Why do you need to know?" I'm going to have to start asking that every time she opens her mouth because this whole conversation seems completely pointless.

"Just searching for the differences, Haruhi." Her voice is still soft, trying her hardest to keep from riling me up. Joke's on her, the sound of her pen scratching across the paper is keeping me on edge. I hope she runs out of ink.

"Differences in what?" I spit out too harshly. "Between a child who had a perfect life and me, who grew up a little sooner than I should have? Between my father and whatever your definition of a good father is? What?" She probably thinks I'm yelling now. I nearly am.

"The differences between your reaction to your mother's death, and the reaction to your father's death," she states matter-of-factly.

What? I grieved, that was my reaction. She's watching me, probably waiting for an outburst. I've set a precedent now. So I'll remain quiet, staring back at her until she's ready to elaborate or take the conversation in another direction.

We sit in silence a few minutes, occasionally interrupted by the scratch of her pen, before she finally continues. "I find it interesting, Haruhi, how different your experiences were. I'm sure there are many things that could effect this, but I think you've already highlighted some of the key components."

She pauses to look at her notes and I take the opportunity to roll my eyes. Whatever she's come up with should be good.

"For starters, you 'shut down' after your dad died, but not after your mom died. Why do you think that is? It isn't what most people would consider ordinary. Think about any children you know, Haruhi." The neighboring kids are all that come to mind. "If one was to lose their mother, the person they are closest to in the world, their roll model, what would they do?" Probablystop running around playing as much? "For one, they might not understand what has happened. Death can be a difficult concept for a child. But then, when – no, if – they realize what has happened, they're understandably going to be upset, but don't yet know how to deal with these feelings. They may act out or constantly ask the same blunt questions about the death. They sometimes cling to remaining relatives, afraid that another loved one will leave them. At the tender age of 5, this behavior could very well go on for years.

"But you, Haruhi, were not the griever. Your dad 'fell apart' so you willingly took on more responsibility to lighten his load. You were the one to reassure and support. I can't say whether or not you truly understood what happened back then, but your reaction was anything but ordinary. Can you see the kids you know doing what you did?"

I shake my head for her benefit. No, I can't. What else was I supposed to do, starve? Dad could hardly take care of himself the first few days after mom died. He needed me so I was there. The only difference is that other children probably have other family members that can step up in these situations. I just did what had to be done. It's not that weird. I almost want to tell her that.

"Then, as a teenager, you lost your dad. Now, most teens will react how you reacted as a child: they start to take on more responsibility. Again, you 'shut down' after your dad died, which isn't a normal teenage behavior. Teens tend to act like it doesn't bother them as much as it does. They may hang out with friends even more, as a way to distance themselves from the tragedy and to feel more normalcy. But you didn't do that. You broke down. I bet you tried to shut everything out, keep to yourself?" She looks pointedly at me and I look away. "You said your friends helped you, but you probably didn't seek them out as others would.

"That's all perfectly okay. We all react differently to loss. But can you see what I mean now when I say your two reactions are interesting? With your mom, you had a reason to keep it together, to move forward. With your dad, you have idle hands. And therein lies the difference. You don't have to play the role of support, you don't have that distraction, so you don't know what else to do."

That's because there isn't anything else to do. I don't know why I'm still here. Any form of here.

"I think it's time to find a new hobby, Haruhi." I quirk an eyebrow up, anger finally depleted. Now I'm just tired. "You need something to fill your free time, something other than your club. Is there anything you like to do? Maybe some kind of art you could take up?"

I shake my head halfheartedly. I don't like to do much of anything anymore.

"Then your homework this time is simply to think. Come up with some things you'd be willing to try. Do you want to learn to play an instrument? Sculpt? Skateboard? It can be anything you want, and you don't even have to try doing it yet, okay? Just think of some ideas."

I nod once, sitting forward. The session was ending if she was handing out homework. I wonder if they'll all be like these last two where she gives a long speech at the end. I guess if it means I have to say less that's fine with me.

I stand as soon as she opens her mouth to tell me I can go, and exit swiftly.

::::::

Kyoya happens to be walking around the house when I arrive back at the estate.

"Oh, Haruhi, you're home already. How was it?"

"Fine." I shrug a shoulder as I walk by him. No big deal, Kyoya. I didn't get angry and yell at the woman who thinks she's helping. I didn't escape the second I was allowed to. I have no problem going back Thursday.

Hopefully that's how my short reply came across.

"I wouldn't go in there if I was you," Kyoya warns as I head towards my room. I pause and sigh.

"Who is it?" I ask without turning around. I can't say I'm surprised that someone is waiting in my room. It seems at least one of the hosts always is. At least Kyoya understands my aversion.

"The more volatile twin. He's been here nearly half an hour. Barged into my room to demand to know where you were-" I finally whip around to face him, about to protest. "No, Haruhi, I didn't tell him." None of the others know that I'm in therapy. Yet. It's bound to come out eventually, but I'm not ready for that. "I managed to threaten him into leaving me alone, but he refused to actually leave until he saw you. Good luck." Kyoya turns to leave and I watch him go.

I check my phone, wondering if I missed a warning text from Kaoru. Nothing. He must be mad at me for not talking to him all day. I really need to fix that. But first, Hikaru.

I sigh and finally continue to my room. Might as well get this over with.

I expect him to tackle me as soon as I open the door, and brace myself for impact. It doesn't come. Hikaru is laying back on my bed, one knee bent into the air, the opposite foot laying across it and moving in time to whatever beat is playing over his headphones. His eyes are closed. He didn't see or hear me...it's not too late to back out and hide in another room until he gives up and leaves.

I sigh again, closing my door behind me as I walk further into my room. I drop my school bag by my desk and approach my bed. I pull his headphones away from his ear, making him jump, and drop them on his stomach. "What do you want, Hikaru?"

"Haruhi!" He sits up quickly, grabbing his headphones and CD player out of the way. "It's about time! Where have you been?" He tries to pull me down on the bed next to him but I twist just out of his grasp.

"I was out. Why are you here?"

"Out where? Why did you leave school so quickly?"

"It's none of your business, Hikaru. Now, go home so I can work in peace." I pull out my desk chair and sit, illustrating my intentions.

A sly smile slides over Hikaru's face as he slinks to his feet. "Keeping secrets, Haruhi?" He walks behind me and bends so his mouth is right next to my ear. "Was it something embarrassing?" He switches slowlyto the other side. "Was it something...illegal?" I can feel his grin growing, even if I can't see it. "Tell me?" He sounds like he's trying to seduce the information out of me. I just shake my head and pull out my history text. "You know I'll find ou-out," he singsongs. "It'd be easier to just tell me now. I could help keep it secret!"

I'm not sure Hikaru understands how secrets work. I continue to ignore him and try to start on my homework.

Pouting, Hikaru flops backwards onto the bed again. "Fine. But I will find out. So tell me what's up with you and Kaoru then."

I glance at him from the corner of my eye and then back at my work. "What does Kaoru say is up?"

Maybe I can use Hikaru to find out why Kaoru won't talk to me.

"He says nothing is up!" He throws his arms into the air in indignation and then lets them crash down on either side of him. "I'm not blind, Haruhi. Something is going on and no one will tell me what!" He's half whining now.

I smile despite the solemnity of the situation; Hikaru's antics are hard to ignore sometimes. "Well, he's right and you're wrong. Nothing is up."

He abruptly sits up and points an accusing finger at me. "You guys are fighting!"

I finally turn towards him, quirking an eyebrow. "No, we aren't."

"Then why aren't you talking! Is it just a small disagreement?" He crosses his arms over his chest, thinking.

"Nope." A small shake of my head.

"Oh, my god!" His hands close together over his mouth and nose dramatically as he stands up. "Y-you're...no, that can't be!" He starts pacing, shaking his head to himself occasionally. He starts mumbling, "No, he wouldn't, he couldn't, do that. Could he?" and several variations that I don't care to listen to. Let him work out whatever crises he's invented for himself.

I turn back to my homework in peace for a few minutes before my chair is suddenly jerked around to face him. His hands fall on the arm rests as he towers over me. He looks heartbroken. "Are you guys...together? That's it, isn't it? You two are sneaking around behind everyone's backs!" He pushes away from the chair, and backs up several paces, distancing himself.

"No, Hikaru," I say, remorseful. I didn't think he'd come up with something so...absurd. Well, I guess it's not really absurd. Not to jealous Hikaru.

"Just stop lying! It's fine, okay? No big deal. Hope you guys are happy!" He's hurt and yelling, stomping towards the exit.

"Wait, Hikaru!" I jump out of my chair and grab one of his hands, tugging to keep him from pulling further away. "We aren't sneaking around! I prom- no, LOOK AT ME!" I should really yell more. It's so effective! Hikaru stops pulling immediately and turns to face me. He looks on the verge of tears.

I release him and place a hand on either side of his face, forcing him to meet my gaze. I feel like the bandage on my left takes away from the effect. "Kaoru and I are not sneaking around. We never have, we never plan to." Good thing I picked Honey so I can say this without lying. "I promise, Hikaru. Okay?"

He nods slowly and sniffs, looking away from me. He's embarrassed. I pull my hands away, and step back, trying to give him space to compose himself. "Please, Haruhi, tell me what is going on with you two then. It's going to drive me crazy."

I sigh and pull out my phone. Still nothing from Kaoru. I have no idea what to tell Hikaru. Obviously I can't go with the truth. "It's really nothing!" At the flash of anger in his eyes I decide to revise that statement. "Nothing important, anyway. It's silly, really." What's silly, Haruhi? Come up with something good. Think, think!

"Not silly to me."

"It's a bet!" I blurt, finally finding inspiration. "We bet to see who could go longest without talking to the other. That's it! That's why we haven't been talking and are somewhat avoiding each other. Easier not to talk if the other isn't around!" It's brilliant, and definitely something Hikaru should believe.

He laughs. "A bet? That's the big secret? Why didn't you just say so! And what kind of bet is that? You guys are kind of lame."

I chuckle too, agreeing. "I did say it was silly. I don't even remember how it came up!" I let him laugh for another minute before returning to my desk. "Well, if that's all, I really do want to do homework..."

"Oh! Alright, see ya at school, Haruhi." He waves a few fingers at me as he walks out, showing none of the animosity, despair, or curiosity he had displayed just minutes prier. With any luck he'll completely forget that I still have a secret he wanted to uncover.

I lay my head back in my chair, taking a moment to relax. Hikaru can take a lot out of a person. I look down at my phone, still in my hand, and hit Kaoru's number on impulse.

He picks up on the second ring, much too soon for my liking. "Hey, Haruhi." Caller ID should never have been invented. Then, I could hang up and he'd never know that I called. "Haruhi? You there?"

"Yeah. Hi," I say, belatedly.

"What's up?"

"I just wanted to give you a heads up." I don't know why I'm so nervous. "Hikaru was here and I had to make up a reason for...today." For us not talking to or looking at or at all interacting with each other. For the completely silence caused by your confession and my complete lack of any clue what to do about it. "I told him we bet on who could go longest without talking to the other."

A chuckle on the other end of the line calms me down. This is just Kaoru. I've talked to him a million times. Nothing has changed. "Quick thinking. I'll play along if he brings it up."

He's silent. I'm silent. What do I say now? I could thank him? He speaks again as I open my mouth. "How is your hand? I saw the bandage is still on it."

I look down at the wound in question, squeezing my hand lightly into a fist. "It's healing. I'm supposed to get the stitches out Friday." How long were your stitches in? Did you need stitches? Were your cuts too shallow? I want to ask, but I can't ask him to talk about his secret when I'm not willing to do the same.

"That's really good to hear."

Silence again. I don't remember what we used to talk about. It was easy, once upon a time.

"Well I guess I'm gonna go. I'll see you tomorrow, Haruhi."

No! How do I keep him on the line? What do I say? Please, keep talking to me! I want to talk to you. I want to tell you, I just don't know how! Please, don't go yet!"Yeah, okay," I whisper, not knowing what else to do.

The line dies, and I pull the phone from my face. His name and the call duration are flashing, taunting me because it was so short. Before I have time to process what I'm doing I've hit Kaoru's speed dial and hold it back up to my ear again.

"Haruhi?" he answers, confusion evident.

I tell him everything.

I tell him about slicing my hand open and how it wasn't enough.

I tell him how alone I feel and have felt and will always feel.

I tell him how Kyoya saved my life and I tell him what stupidity went through my head to cause me to need saving.

I tell him about the poetic justice that would be a lightning strike bringing about my end, and all the other stray morbid ideas that have invaded so many of my thoughts.

I tell him how much I miss swimming, but how afraid I am to go back into the water. How my thoughts inevitably seem to turn back to the possibility of drowning and how nice that sounds. Except that it doesn't.

I tell him about breaking my promise to Kyoya and how that makes me worse than scum. And I tell him all about my punishment for doing so and how much I hate talking to someone that thinks they understand absolutely everything and likes to think they can, therefore, fix everything when they most certainly can't.

I tell him about the horrible thing I did to Honey on the Ferris Wheel and how much of a horrible person my desperation makes me. But I keep Honey's later actions to myself. That's as much his secret as mine, and I won't go around spilling other's secrets.

I tell him how much I miss my dad, how much I miss my mom, how much I miss before.

And it's all jumbled together and out of order. I'm pretty sure half of it doesn't make any sense with how rushed and panicked it is.

And Kaoru doesn't just understand, he knows. He gets it. Kaoru has been there. Maybe he hasn't suffered the loss of a parent, but he knows desperation. He knows loneliness, and inadequacy, and how hard it is to feel like you aren't safe in your own head. He doesn't interrupt, and just listens to absolutely everything I have to say until the words stop tumbling out. And when he finally does speak, it isn't full of pity or loathing or anger or anything else I might've expected and would've hated to hear. It's full of determination.

"We'll get through this together, Haruhi. You're never alone, I promise you that. If anyone were to take a look at your life, they wouldn't see defeat and weakness like you think; they'd see strength. You've overcome so much. You've survived. And you're going to keep on surviving because that's who you are. We're all here to help you do just that. So lean on us some more, 'kay? We're here for you."

Thank you all, again, for the reviews. They seriously mean so much to me. It's always nice to hear when I'm doing something right.