KissMeDeadlyT-T: Before anyone complains, I know that things like this aren't allowed on Fanfiction. If it gets reported? Sucks. If I have to take it down? Meh. If you leave a review rudely telling me I'm not allowed to post this kind of stuff? I know. Why am I posting it anyway? Because FUCK DA POLICE, I DO WHAT I WANT.
OH AND! I MADE A FACEBOOK PAGE! I NEED PEOPLE TO LIKE IT SO I'M GONNA SPAM Y'ALL WITH IT EVERY CHAPTER 'CAUSE I SUCK AT BEING SOCIAL AND HAVE NO OTHER IDEAS ON HOW TO GAIN LIKES ON A PAGE THAT I CAN'T TELL ANYONE IRL ABOUT.
It won't let me post it here. Bullshit. Anyway, it's on my profile if you're interested.
(help me please I don't know what the fuck I'm doing)
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Instructions: Pretend you are an interviewer asking a random couple questions about their lives together! The way things work is pretty self-explanatory, so sit back and let your imagination run wild.
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Name of your lover?
Ed: I DON'T HAVE TO TELL YOU ANYTHING!
Roy: *ahem*
Ed: *shifty eyes* Okay, fine, Roy Mustang. Fuck, why am I here again?
Roy: *grins* Edward Elric. And you're here because you love me.
Ed: That is bullshit. I think I'm here because you promised to make me brownies.
Roy: Damn straight.
Age of your lover?
E: Fucking ancient.
R: I AM THIRTY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
E: Pfffft.
R: *glares* Sixteen going on two.
E: That really makes you a pedophile, shit-head.
Favorite thing to do with your lover?
E: *turns red and hides behind bangs* Lots... of things...
R: Well, we all know where his mind is… I like to sit by the fire and cuddle. Maybe drink some hot chocolate.
E: …Why are you so… cute?
R: Okay I'll hit you.
Hateful thing to do with your lover?
E: Uh… we get into fights. A lot. And I mean full-on I am going to break your jaw fights. Those... suck.
R: Agreed.
What do you do on your free time with your lover?
E: It really depends.
R: Yeah, we don't usually do anything important though.
E: Usually bicker or something.
R: Or have sex.
E: Yeah. Hey, wait, don't say that to random people, you idiot!
R: (Hehehehe)
What is your lover's favorite food?
R: What ISN'T?
E: MILK.
R: Oh right.
E: And his is chocolate. Jeez, I only realized now how feminine you are, Mustang.
R: IT'S NOT FEMININE IT'S CALLED BEING A CHOCOHOLIC SHUT UP.
What is your lover's favourite thing to do?
R: Annoy the fuck out of me.
E: *ignores that* I'd say that his favorite thing to do… He has a lot. Be a pervert, play with fire, make fun of me… Oh, and he really likes to cook even though a lot of the time he burns things to ashes and we end up ordering pizza or something. It's cute though.
R: *sulky look*
Did you announce your relationship in public?
E: N-no way!
R: Even if Ed wasn't such a wimp about it— *avoids pillow being thrown at head* - We can't. I mean, some people like lieutenant Hawkeye know, but we can't have everyone knowing I'm fucking my underage subordinate.
E: THE LEGAL AGE OF CONSENT IS SIXTEEN, IT'S NOT ILLEGAL.
R: It's still illegal to fuck my subordinate...
What is the sensitive part of your lover's body?
R: Again, what isn't? I can touch his shoulder and he starts moaning like a bitch in heat.
E: *blushes furiously* No I don't! Shut up!
R: *sighs* Automail scars.
E: *still flushed* Fucker has this thing for the bottom of his spine being touched.
Have you ever been on a date?
E: Not really… kinda.
R: Nothing really extravagant, since, again, it's illegal. Sometimes we go for ice cream or something though but act as though it's a business thing.
E: Because ice cream is real professional, right?
Where did you go for your first date with your lover, if you had one? If not, what was the first thing you did as an official couple?
E: Well, we went camping for a night, just the two of us, but ended up having to pack up and drive home because it started pouring and the tent wouldn't stay up and there were mosquitos and it was freezing.
R: Yeah, so we went home and Ed decided to shower because he was cold—
E: And he decided that sneaking up behind me while I was shampooing was a great idea.
R: And then we had sex.
E: Yup.
R: I guess we're not really great with romance...
Who asked out the other person first?
R: Surprisingly… Ed.
E: I didn't really ask… We were arguing about something I messed up on—
R: Again.
E: -and I ended up getting so angry that I just punched him in the face and kissed him. My brain doesn't like me very much.
Describe your lover as an animal?
E: A FUCKING CAT, OH MY GATE HE'S SUCH AN ATTENTION WHORE YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW IT. This is literally how almost every day goes: Pay attention to me Ed you know you can't resist me because I'm so fucking cute and you just want to hug me to bits all the time, but just kidding I am actually a pyromaniac perverted fucking demon in adorable form and I am going to fuck up everything you have ever known and make your feels explode into an array of rainbows and sparkles but it doesn't even matter because I'm so fucking perfect. Fuck you I'm Roy Mustang.
R: I see… Um, okay, well, I don't know if I can top that. Wait. Heh. A shrimp.
E: Do you want to die?
Describe your lover in one word.
E: Bastard.
R: *smirks* Loud. If you know what I mean.
E: *throws pillow again*
Describe your lover as a flower.
E: I literally know nothing about flowers. Maybe he can be a rose. Those are nice. Right?
R: I don't know anything about flowers either…
E: Let's just agree that we're both roses.
R: Roses are girly.
E: Your point, Mister I eat chocolate and love to cuddle and cry over cheesy soap operas when I think Ed's not watching?
R: I do not!
In your next life, will your love continue?
E: Um… *flush* I guess...
R: Yeah.
Will you ever cheat on your lover?
E: No! AND I'D FUCKING RIP HIS DICK OFF IF HE TRIED.
R: I wouldn't.
What would you do if your lover cheated on you?
E: VIOLENCE OF THE MOST PAINFUL VARIETY.
R: Be depressed. And eat chocolate.
E: Be honest with me are you a girl Roy
R: Of course not. D:
Who is Seme and Uke?
R: I am se—
E: OH, NU-UH, DON'T TRY THAT SHIT! WE TAKE TURNS AND YOU KNOW IT!
R: (Ed is still in denial that I can manage to dominate him everytime.)
What kind of Seme or Uke are you?
E: What… what an odd question…
R: Well he's like a blushing virgin either way.
E: Shut up! Anyways I'd say he's really… Ugh fine I'll admit it, I almost never top but either way he is really, really dominant. I mean… it's, uh… Well it's really hot. *resembles a tomato*
Would you like to be top or bottom sometimes?
R: It would be interesting to see if Ed could actually do it.
E: Of course I can do it, idiot! I'll prove it!
R: Now?
E: NO! THERE IS A CRAZY FANPERSON INTERVIEWING US, THAT'S A BAD IDEA.
R: I rather thought it was a good one…
Did you have your first time with your current lover?
E: *blushes madly* Yeah…
R: No…
Who did you have it with?
R: :I I'd rather not say.
E: *glares* Was it Hawkeye?
R: No! We're FRIENDS. I've told you before who it was, Ed, and I'm not telling you again.
E: Right, sorry…
Did you regret it?
E: No.
R: No…
So where do you have xxx?
E: Behind closed doo—
R: Everywhere.
E: Okay, yeah. Everywhere.
Would you like to have it kinky?
E: *sputters* Wh-what kind of question is this!
R: Already do. *smirks*
E: *dies*
How kinky?
E: This is irreleva—
R: Very. Kinky.
E: Why are you answering!
R: 'Cause it's an interview.
Who is the masochist and the sadist?
E: Well I—
R: Ed is definitely the masochist, because he can't stand the thought of hurting others. Even during sex. But he doesn't seem to mind if I hurt him…
When you are feeling bad do you have xxx?
E: W-well… I mean, sometimes…
R: If Ed is feeling down, I do my best to make him feel better.
E: Yeah, and… uh, me too. Except for him.
How many times do you have xxx in a week?
E: WHY ARE THERE SO MANY OF THESE QUESTIONS?
R: It's not really easy to keep track of…
Would you like to have a threesome of a foursome one day?
E: *has given up on being embarrassed* Not really.
R: Nah.
Would you like to have xxx in front of people?
E: ARE YOU FUCKING CRAZY? NO WAY IN HELL!
R: It's kind of personal, so not particularly. I would enjoy making Ed blush in public, though, it would be so nice to see him all embarrassed because of something I said somewhere that there are a lot of people to see it.
E: Don't even think about it!
Are you happy when you have xxx?
E: Why wouldn't we be? THESE QUESTIONS ARE STUPID I CALL BULLSHIT.
R: Of course. And shut up Ed.
E: NO OMG
R: Do you see what I have to put up with?
On missions do you usually have xxx?
R: Well I don't usually go on missions with Ed, but we probably wouldn't due to the fact that Alphonse is almost always around and he doesn't sleep.
E: *terrified look* Don't make me think of my brother and us having sex in the same scenario, I'm already scarred from that as it is…
In the middle of xxx do you fight?
R: Well...
E: Hahaha, is that even a question?
When you kiss would you kiss when the other has food in their mouth?
R: *smirks* Chocolate.
E: It really depends on what it is. I agree with that, though… Chocolate and kissing sounds really… uh… *flushes*
Have you ever been caught having xxx?
E: FUUUUUUUUCKK I DON'T EVEN WANT TO LIVE ANYMORE OH MY GATE I AM SO DONE HERE
R: Yes, we have.
E: HOW CAN YOU BE SO CALM ABOUT MY FUCKING LITTLE BROTHER WALKING IN ON ME RIDING YOUR COCK YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE
R: *snickers* I still can't get over the look on your face when you opened your eyes and saw him standing there…
E: AND YOU DIDN'T EVEN STOP FUCKING ME! I STILL CAN'T LOOK AT AL PROPERLY WHEN YOU'RE IN THE SAME ROOM, YOU JERK!
R: Sucks to suck, Fullmetal.
E: I WASN'T SUCKING I WAS- nevermind. I'm going to kill myself.
R: *snickers*
Have you ever tried different positions in xxx?
E: *is now dead*
R: All the time.
Do you ever get tired of xxx with your lover?
E: N-no…
R: *grins widely* No way. Would you get tired of seeing him moan and scream and beg for you? Didn't think so.
E: I HATE YOU SO MUCH!
How many months have you been together?
E: Uh…
R: …I… don't know…
E: Me neither…
R: ;_; We suck.
Would you like to have children with your lover?
E: CHILDREN ARE DEMONS SO NO NOT EVER NO
R: Not really.
E: Plus we're both men.
R: There's this thing called adoption?
E: There's this thing called shut the fuck up Mustang we're never have a kid ever.
Would you get married with your lover?
E: *blushes madly*
R: If it was legal… yes.
E: *blushes even more*
Where would you get married?
E: Oohh! Xing! I've always wanted to go and Ling told me there's lots of good food! Can we, please? Can we Roooooooooooyyyyyyyy—
R: Holy fuck, okay! Is food honestly the only reason you want to go there?
E: Yep! Aren't you part Xingese, too?
R: Well, yeah, but—
E: PERFECT! TO XING WE GO!
R: ;_; Okay.
Where would you have your honeymoon?
E: At a cottage in the woods?
R: Why?
E: So we could be alone…
R: Ah… I see. *pervy grin* Well now we have to get married.
E: It's illegal.
R: It's not as if we haven't broken the law before.
Do you give pet names to your lover?
E: Bastard.
R: Shrimp.
Will you kiss in front of anybody?
E:*blushes again* I-it really depends who…
R: I don't care.
If you had the choice now, would you?
E: Wait what
R: Sure.
What about now?
E: I… this… no! What the hell!
R: Still yes.
Would you like to show some love in front of me:
E: I, uh, I JUST REMEMBERED I HAVE TO MEET AL, SO I SHOULD GET GOING! *runs away as fast as humanly possible*
R: Don't worry. I'll get him for that later. *pervy grin*
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KissMeDeadlyT-T: As you can see, I clearly have too much free time on my hands. xD Anyway, I hope you guys enjoyed even though this format isn't allowed. If it really grinds on anyone's gears, I'll take it down, but seriously, it's there for people to enjoy so don't report it just 'cause.
Well I mean… if it's even enjoyable in the first place. ;_;
So uh here. Have one of the cookies I baked today. *hands reader a chocolate chip cookie*