Allen's POV
It has been a week since I returned from my mission, and people are really starting to worry about me. A lot of the time I prefer to eat in my own room, in case I end up puking it all back up. No way in hell do I want anyone to see me like that! No one else knows of my condition yet, and for some reason that didn't bother me. I prefer it this way, actually. I receive no judgment from those who are very important to me. That, and I don't get bombarded with tons of questions. As if I want to explain everything in detail. Just thinking about it alone makes my head hurt... Along with my heart. This child most likely won't get the family it deserves. All I can do is try.
Today I decided to eat dinner with everyone else. Well, guess I just clarify what I mean by that. I am eating in the cafeteria, but have distanced myself from literally everyone else. I can feel their gazes on me as I poke at my food; and I can hear them whispering to each other about my illness and absence. This doesn't bother me though, as my only focus was on trying my hardest to eat. It is getting more and more difficult to keep things down, which definitely wasn't good for the baby. It feels like I have been starving it lately. It's not my fault though! I just can't keep most stuff down. I haven't found that one food that I can live off of yet; nor do I have any specific cravings that I know of.
I sigh and glance out one of the windows, noticing how dark the sky was. And just as I take in the grey color of the clouds, I see the raindrops fall. Looks like we're in for a good old thunderstorm, huh? This wasn't going to help my already depressed mood out. My hand goes over to my stomach, and I let it rest there while continuing to watch the rain drip down the glass. It was almost soothing in a way- relaxing. I rest my chin in my free hand, completely ignoring the loud chattering surrounding me. This has been the toughest week of my life, and that is saying a lot, what with the childhood I had and everything.
Just thinking about Cross finding out about this made me feel sick to my stomach! He will insult me, smack me, and even tell me to get rid of it. If not abortion, then he will certainly want me to give it up for adoption. That just isn't an option for me! I don't want anyone else raising my child. I know what it is like to grow up without any real parents, and so I don't want my own son or daughter to go through that same thing. Sure it might live a more normal life, but I still can't help but be selfish in this situation. I just won't be able to bring myself to hand it over to another couple. It would destroy me. It would shatter my heart beyond repair.
Lavi, Lenalee, and Krory all walk past me then. Not a single muscle in my body moves at the sight of them, as I am still lost in my own little world. It looked like they really wanted to say something to me, but didn't. Instead they made their way over to the usual table where we sat at. I can tell that it took everything in them to remain silent when seeing me for the first time in a while. On the other hand, they were respecting my wishes in giving me my space, and I greatly appreciated that. I just hope this won't ruin my friendship with them, because I really can't afford to lose any one of them. I would never be the same. They mean the world to me.
They are the people who I will tell my condition to, since Link said to only tell those who I trust. I just need a little more time to let them in on something so serious and dangerous; because I know that they will worry about me. I don't want them to stress over this. They have more important matters to focus their attention on. I sneak a quick glance at them, but only to see how sad they all looked. "..." This instantly makes me feel guilty, and I have to suppress the urge to go over there and tell them that everything is okay.
But everything really is not okay.
I get those terrible stomach pains daily now. Komui approached me himself, and explained to me that I will probably experience them for a good while, what with being a guy and all. My body really isn't meant for this in the slightest. At least the baby isn't attached to any of my organs, but in fact an actual womb that had been created by my innocence. That makes me breathe a little easier. It just gives this whole thing a better chance at actually working out. Sure it's still dangerous, and either I, the baby, or both of us could still lose our lives in the process. That is something I just have to accept. I still need some more time with that as well.
My gaze drifts down to rest on my stomach, and I nervously fidget at one of the buttons on my shirt. My hair fell down to cover my face, since I really didn't want anyone to see the expression I now held. 'Surely you are meant to exist, right? You wouldn't just pop up within me, only to lose your life so soon. So...you just have to live through this! If you are anything like your father and I, you will get through this.' That is what I like to believe, that is. Hopefully it is true what I just thought, and that this baby really was meant to exist. Why else would my body go through all of the trouble to host a growing human being, only to dispose of it right away? It just didn't make any sense to me.
"How long have you been sitting there?" That cold, deep voice snaps me back to reality, and I jump in my seat. No, I didn't need to see who it was. Just about anyone could pick out that voice from anywhere, so it wasn't just me. My hand leaves my stomach go grip at the sides of my seat, and I slowly tilt my head back to look up at the samurai. As soon as I lock gazes with the man I haven't seen in a whole week, and it feels like my heart stops beating in that very moment. This was way too unexpected for my liking, and I didn't know how to react to it.
His tray is placed on the spot right next to mine, and he lifts his leg up so that he can sit right next to me. We're so close at this point, that are arms almost touch. The small distance makes me shiver, and I tear my gaze away to bite down on my lip. It's a sort of nervous habit that I picked up on, and no matter how hard I try to stop it, I just can't. I feel this way a lot of the time now, so it really couldn't be helped. "..." Can he hear my heart pounding roughly in my chest right now? Can he tell how sweaty my palms were getting? Why the heck is he sitting this close to me of all people?! This made me feel so fricken confused!
"Ah! K-Kanda, you're back..." I stutter nervously. Sure I planned on approaching him sometime when he returned, but this was just way too soon for my liking. I didn't get to prepare myself at all. How come no one told me that he was finished with his mission? Damn that Komui. A warning would have been nice! I curse a bunch in my mind, and picture myself knocking his teeth in. And damn this jerk for making me feel this way. What the heck is wrong with me? This just wasn't right. I scoot a little away from him to distance ourselves further away from each other, and let out a shaky sigh.
"You didn't answer my question, Moyashi." I hear him say just as quietly as before. Only this time he shoved a bunch of his precious soba noodles into his mouth after saying that, and I couldn't help but watch him carefully chew at them. I didn't mean to stare or anything, but I couldn't exactly help it. Everything he does is graceful! He notices my stare, and looks right back at me with a blank expression. At least it wasn't a glare this time. I awkwardly clear my throat, and start poking away at my food once more, finding it impossible to shove any of it into my mouth. Getting sick again just wasn't on my agenda for the rest of the day. My stomach still aches a little from before.
"Kanda, I...I haven't told my friends yet. I don't know how to. All I can do is avoid them." I say just as quietly. "I don't feel like explaining myself all over again. I'm just...so tired all the time, and in so much pain. I don't want to deal with their judgment..." For some reason it felt like I could trust him. Although, when do you ever see him flapping his mouth to everyone? He usually keeps to himself for the most part. I can tell he is the type of person to steer clear of any drama.
"...You are in pain?" That is all he asks me, and I can feel his intense stare on me as he waited for my response. I immediately regret saying that, and wished I could take it back. Unfortunately I cannot. I let out a heavy sigh, and bring my hand up to rub the back of my head- another nervous tick of mine.
"My body is...adjusting. I was told to put on some weight to make more room for the uh... well, you know..." I mumble. Saying it out loud in such a busy area like this really wasn't a good idea, so he had to choose his words wisely. If the wrong people find out about this, it could be very dangerous for all three of them. "Some of the nurses know, and Link was sort of listening in on my conversation with them. He even saw them with the...machine. And Komui knows, since I am no longer allowed to go on any missions until I am back to normal."
I still can't look at his face, even after saying all of that. There is a long silence between us, and for a minute I think that he won't say anything. That is, until he finally spoke up in a slightly louder voice. "If anything, your friends will be happy. Lenalee will take you out on a shopping spree, and Lavi will be fascinated by it. He might want to touch you a lot. Krory will worry a lot, but he will still be happy for you. They are going to find out eventually, and it might not be from you."
My eyes widen. If that happens, then that will just be awful! I don't want anyone else to tell them about my pregnancy. I look over at their table again, and gulp. "M-maybe tomorrow. For now I just...want to be left alone. I can't keep any of this food down, and it sucks because Jerry is such an amazing cook! How can I put on some weight, when I keep puking my damn guts up?!" I was frustrated. How can this baby thrive, and continue to grow healthy inside of me, when I can't even provide the proper nutrients that it needs? If it doesn't eat, then something bad will happen to it. I slam my fist on the table and go to stand up, but was yanked back down by Kanda pulling at my arm.
I give him a glare when he does this. "What was that for?!" I snap at him. Wow, that sure was a shift in moods right there. Why am I so angry all of a sudden? It must be the hormones. They are out of whack- even worse than a normal pregnant woman's. Instead of responding, he just pushes his tray of soba noodles over, so that it is now sitting right in front of me. He even sets his chopsticks in it, and gestures for me to take a bite.
"If that child is anything like me, then it will like soba. And if this is really going to happen, then we need to do things correctly. I won't let it turn out all deformed or underweight, all because it wasn't getting fed properly." He scoffs out with his arms crossed over his chest. Even his eyes were closed at the moment. It was like he truly believed that this would actually work. I stare at the noodles in front of me, and strangely my mouth began to water, and my stomach growled loudly. I gave it a gentle rub, my cheeks flushing in embarrassment at how noisy it was being.
This was really nice of Kanda to do, despite how he felt about me. It honestly made me want to smile at him, but I held back from doing that. No need to push things by making them all awkward. If I go too quickly with this, then I will only ruin whatever chance I has at making this baby thing work out with him. "..." Wait, do you eat the wasabi first? I never actually watched him eat this stuff before. I would think so. I lift up the chopsticks and go straight for the green past. But just as I was about to poke them through it, my hand was stopped.
Kanda was holding onto my wrist.
"Everything you eat goes to the baby first. Keep that in mind, Moyashi. You would essentially be giving it a mouthful of wasabi." After he says this, I panic and withdraw my hand. Wouldn't that be painful for it? Oh no, I almost did something really stupid. After how things ended back on that mission, he was acting as though none of that happened. It was like he never said those hurtful things to me, which is really weird. What the heck happened to him after I left?
"I-I see. Thank you, Kanda..." I murmur. I bring my chopsticks back down to grab a bunch of the soba noodles, and stuff them into my mouth. The instant I did this, my eyes shot wide open. The taste was unbelievable! Have these always been this good? I found myself practically inhaling them after swallowing the first bite. If this actually stays down and agrees with my body, then I can just keep eating it from now on. It is better than not having anything at all. And once I was all done, I couldn't help but frown at how empty the tray was.
"Ah, there's no more..." I whisper in disappointment. My stomach growls again, but this time it is not as loud as before. Eating was definitely a lot harder for me now, since I already ate a ton before. Now I had to eat twice as much, since I am no longer eating for myself. I pout quite a bit at this, and hope that Kanda didn't hear it. The amount that was on here was definitely enough for a normal person. Guess I need to go and get some more. I could feel my cheeks growing warmer when I realized I would need to order Kanda's favorite food to Jerry. What will he think? What will he say to me? I huff in frustration.
"Don't pop a blood vessel." He says to me, and that is when I about lose it. As I turn my body to snap at him, I notice that he is already out of his seat and grabbing my empty tray. I give him a confused look, and even tilt my head as I watch him walk away and go back in line. For the time being I just sat there and waited. He must be getting his own food. If so, then should I stay or go? I might be annoying him. If I act too clingy, then I might scare him off for good. Why was this so complicated anyways? It really shouldn't be. I leaned forward as I waited, tapping my fingers on the table. "..."
I slip my hand into my hoodie pocket, and pull out the bottle of vitamins I am supposed to be taking. I plop one into mouth and wash it down with the glass of water I had. Forgetting to take those could result in something happening to my baby. "..." My eyes soften as I find myself staring at Kanda again. Has his hair always been so soft? And, has he always been so beautiful? Never have I seen someone's facial features so fricken perfect before! For some reason I really want to run my fingers through his dark hair.
"..." I clench my teeth together when images of that night a month ago randomly came to mind. His lips, oddly, molded against mine like they were meant for each other. Like no one else was meant to kiss them other than me. I didn't even realize that I was touching my own lips with my fingertips while gazing right at him. My eyes were half-lidded as I was stuck in my thoughts. As much as we fight and insult each other, I do not hate Kanda. In fact, I like to view him as a friend. Things are much different now. We can't just be friends anymore. At least, I don't want to be that is.
Was I seriously falling for him? No, that can't be. It must be these damn pregnancy hormones that are drawing me closer to him- yearning for his touch. I blush like mad when he catches me staring at him, and I nervously fumble with my glass when his turns into a cold glare. "..." I press my hand over my pounding heart, and I put all of my attention on trying to calm myself down. Yeah, that is what it is. My feelings are a result of me carrying his child. Nothing else.
Right?
I suddenly lose my appetite, and I get up to quickly rush out of the cafeteria, running as fast as my body would allow it to in my condition. 'No, no, no!' I scream in my mind. This wasn't happening. How can I face him now? He won't be happy at all about this if he finds out how I truly feel. And it's not like I have anyone to talk to. I have pushed all of my friends away. Why the heck would they listen to me now of all times? They would only feel used if I did so. No, I have to deal with this all on my own. Not only that, but loving someone who already loves another woman is just pathetic! As if he would choose me over her, despite being dead and all. I am just good enough for him, nor will I ever be.
Once I make it to my room, I slam the door shut and lock it behind me. By now I was breathing heavily, but I simply did not care. I just went right over to my bed, and crawled underneath the covers. 'What do I do with these feelings? I am not used to this at all. What would Mana say? No, Cross is more experienced in this field. Although, has he ever loved any of the women he has slept with? He is such a fricken womanizer! I wouldn't be able to trust anything he says after all.' As I lie there all curled up in my warm, comfortable bed, I can't stop myself from thinking about that night. I hit the side of my head a few times, and let out a frustrated sigh.
Damn it all.
Kanda's POV
"..." What the heck was that all about? The Moyashi has been acting more weird than usual. And now that he just ran out of the cafeteria, I have to cancel his huge order of soba noodles. This pisses me off, but I try my best to hide it as I try to get Jerry's attention. I have no idea where he ran off to, but it wasn't my problem. This is what happens when I try to help out. It is honestly like a slap in the face. When is it ever good enough for him? Besides, he was staring at me in a way I have never seen before. At least, not from him specifically that is. I snatch a bottle of tea, and go back over to my table to sit down. I have also lost my appetite. Not like I was that hungry to begin with anyways.
Just as I was in the process of taking a sip of my tea, the bottle was snatched out of my grasp. My gaze hardens when I look over to see who it was. "Can I enjoy my dinner in peace, Lenalee?" I bit out. Already I miss eating my meals alone. I have a feeling that my schedule will be permanently ruined, all thanks to that idiot. I try to help out a little, and this is what I get in return. It really is easier for me to worry and fend for myself.
"Kanda! What did you do to Allen-kun?!" She says, getting up in my face then. All I can do is blankly stare at her. That loud voice of hers was really annoying, but I don't dare say that out loud. Instead I just silently sat there, waiting for what else she had to say to me. Of course, right away she assumes everything is my fault.
"Ever since he came back, he has been nothing but cold and distant with us! Not to mention you weren't even with him! So what, did you guys have a fight or something?" Again, I just give her that same blank stare. This is none of her business anyways, so I wasn't going to say a word about it. Besides, it is not my body. I am in no position to tell people about his condition. I am just the father. Just thinking about that word makes me feel ill. Part of me still hopes that this is all some sort of sick nightmare; yet every day I am slapped real hard with this reality. Now his life will be changing forever, all because they both weren't being careful enough!
She reaches behind me and grabs a hold of my ponytail, roughly yanking on it to try and get me to say something. I let out a small grunt in response to the feeling. "Tch! Why are you so annoying?!" I snap right back at her. This was honestly getting way too annoying for me. Can't people just leave me the hell alone for once? "It isn't my place to tell you what is going on. He will tell you when he is ready." I finally say.
Lenalee's eyes narrow when staring down at me. "...I heard he was hospitalized a week ago. Something about him coughing up blood or something. When I tried asking one of the nurses what was wrong with him, they said it was confidential information. I think his friends deserve to know what is going on with him. If he is sick, or...o-or dying, then we need to know, Kanda!"
My hands fall down to rest in my lap, as I am left feeling completely shocked. The Moyashi was bleeding? Why would he keep something so vital from me?! I fight the urge to get up and go after him, since that would just make things more suspicious for us, and instead just let out a long and heavy sigh. "I have no idea what is wrong with him. He wasn't feeling well on our mission, and decided to go back to the Order to get some rest. It was interfering with his duties to destroy the Akuma. So again, do not ask me for details. You won't get anything useful out of me."
I could feel her hold on my hair loosen then. There were even tears in her eyes when she did this. "My own brother won't even tell me what is going on. I have tried so hard to get it out of him, but he has yet to budge. I don't want anything to happen to him. He is so important to us, Kanda. He has shut us out entirely." She said quietly.
Lavi was next to come over. He placed his hands on the table as he leaned in towards me. "Why is he sitting with you instead of us, huh...Yuu?" I could hear the hurt in his voice as he said this, but I did not care. I was more irritated by what he had just called me. I flicked my bottle cap at his forehead in an attempt to somewhat hurt him.
"Don't call me that, you baka-Usagi!" I hiss out. "I was the one that sat next to him, not the other way around; so why don't you go and question him instead of me? You both know where his room is. Honestly, I am sick of people today." I just got back, and already I was being pestered this much. What will they do next? I certainly do not want to stay around to find out. I slid off of the seat and just walked off, not even bothering to look back at either one of them as I left the cafeteria. For now I will just have to stay in my own room to avoid everyone. Maybe they will get the hint, and hover over the Moyashi from now on instead of me.
I probably slammed my door shut harder than I should have, but I couldn't help it. As if I didn't have enough to deal with as it is. Why is it my fault that he won't tell them anything? Although, if I were in his position, I wouldn't want to tell anyone either. I would keep everything to myself as long as possible. Maybe I can't blame him for doing things this way after all. I yank the red rope from my hair, and stripped of my clothes until I was down to my boxers, and got into bed. After laying there for a few minutes, I rolled over onto my side and stared at the lotus flower encased in the thick glass. "..."
I wasn't even tired, and yet this is all I felt like doing. My hand slowly reached out to touch it, and I thought back to the last time I saw an hallucination of that woman. Why haven't I seen her lately? It was like she completely disappeared. I still see lotus flowers everywhere though. They are on the floor, and even float in the air- surrounding myself and others who are around me. Some sat on my bed at this very moment, but I ignored them. I didn't feel like thinking about my past right now. I'm already mentally exhausted.
Am I really expected to move on?