"The Avalanche Has Already Started."
Disclaimer – I still own nothing but a large amount of debt and a severe lack of talent. Certainly nothing to do with Skins, (shame)
Authors Note – Thanks for the nice words guys, it does make working through this much more enjoyable. So we're at that stage in every drama, the bit we all love and hate. Hopefully it all makes sense and you don't think I'm doing this for the sake of it....bring on the "A" word...don't hate me...
Chapter 7 – The Drowning Girl
Naomi
It's been a week since the great announcement, since Effy came pounding on the door in the middle of the night and there's still no news about Freddie.
Effy's going quietly mad, I'm absolutely convinced of it, or is that mad again? I don't fucking know. What I do know is that despite the best efforts of me and Ems she's slipping away from us. She isn't staying with us anymore, goes home every night. She's said it's to do with timetables and medication and familiar environments. I don't really believe her. I think she just wants to be alone again. She's like a drowning girl. She reminds me of a painting I saw once with the same name; a beautiful brunette slipping below the water too proud to call for help, and I think she's dragging Katie down with her.
Neither of them have been the same people I knew, it's weird, it's the most unlikely friendship I can think of but they've been practically inseparable since that night. I think they both need someone that understands how they feel.
Emily and I can't do that, to be honest we barely knew Freddie – I didn't anyway we we're mates, but not friends. I don't have the same emotional attachment as those two do. I can't make the link, but I can't help thinking back to class though, one sunny afternoon. English Literature with Josie; studying Hamlet with her fake voices and pretend hand puppet Gerald. He'd arrived late and I'd spotted what happened between Effy and him, how she'd touched him, how he'd reacted. I remember I'd winked at him knowingly before opening my mouth to answer Josie's question.
"Hamlet's basically a teenage boy..."
I'd spoken about Hamlet but I was talking about Freddie, we both knew it.
"...he ends up so boring, that somebody has to kill him."
How fucking prophetic; who am I, fucking Cassandra?
No, it's nothing to do with me, I've got to stop beating myself up about it...
That was probably the most contact I had with Freddie in two years. I'm beating myself up about a throwaway comment from over a year ago. What kind of a fucked up mess am I? How the fuck can I help Effy?
How the fuck can I help Katie?
Katie was nearly broken when she can to our home, but we put her on the road to recovery. Then Effy arrived with her news and Katie took a stroll off the road and ended up on the one heading to self destruction. I've walked along the road she's on, I need to tell her where the potholes are, but I doubt she'll listen. I've lost track of the times over the last few nights that Ems or I have left our bed and headed to her room, sometimes to comfort her, sometimes just to hold her. She's like an empty shell at the moment and she's trying to fill it with booze and pills.
I can't bear to watch her do it, was that really what I was like?
It is killing Ems, I can see it in her eyes; can feel the hurt she's suffering so it's killing me as well. I feel like I've travelled back in time, lost the last week, lost the getting back together. All I can remember is the hurt I caused her when I look into those pain filled eyes. Katie's pain is Emily's pain, my pain.
Emily's stronger than people give her credit for, a lot stronger. But somewhere deep down she's still the younger submissive twin that she used to be; Katie's still her big sister and I just know how much this is hurting her. I guess she's been down this road before and again I'm sure it's my fault. I seem to hurt her even when I'm not involved. I've got to do something, find something that will help Emily, help Katie...help Effy.
So that's why I'm here, Her Majesty's Prison Bristol. It's not too far away really, just out of town, a couple of bus journeys, nothing really. No one knows I'm out here, well except for Emily; I've got no secrets from her now. We've agreed not to tell Katie and Effy, I feel a bit guilty about that but I hope they'll understand, if Cook has got something worthwhile to say I'll tell them, if not – well - what they don't know can't hurt them.
I'm sat on a plastic seat next to a chipped table in the visiting section of the prison. I remind myself of why a good education and a good job is a necessary part of my life, because I don't want to end up in a place like this. I shudder involuntarily – how close had I come? How much do I owe Cook? Jesus...
"That table there." I hear an order barked and look round; in comes James Cook, except he's not the Cookie I remember. He looks subdued and there are marks on his face, some old, some new judging by the colouration. He meets my eyes and his shoulders sag just a little. He was hoping for someone else and he's disappointed.
"All right blondie? How's my second favourite lezzer then?" He's doing his best to act normally, a bit of bravado. Well I can give him that back in spades.
"Second favourite?"
"Too right blondie, your Emily will always be my favourite lezzer. Stunner that girl is, damn shame really. She's far too good for you."
"I don't recall you trying to fuck 'my Emily' Cookie, like you keep trying with my good self." See Cookie, I can play the game as well.
"Hell no, she was always queer, no point in going there. Unless she's well wasted that is; even then she'd probably have been thinking of you. Had a crack though, in the nightclub that time. She's got mint tits blondie, know why you like her; know what I mean?"
Ok, time to stop this now, fuck he has no shame.
"Ok, OK! You win!" I respond smiling, he leans back in his seat smiling as well. "So how are you Cook?"
"Never better blondie, got my own room here and everything. All mod cons, got a gym a library and they're making me study." He leaned in conspiratorially, "shame is I can't bunk lessons to go the pub here can I? Having to read books and stuff, it's not the same as a movie and a good spliff."
"You can read?" I fake astonishment, "When did they teach you to read? You've only been in here a few days!"
"He laughed, "nice one Naomikins, what can I say I'm a fast learner."
"Not too fast Cookie, I told you to sort it out; not go beat some bloke to a pulp then get re-arrested."
"He was asking for it babe, fucker wanted me to kneel down so he could club me to fucking death, like he'd done to Fredster."
I'm shocked, and for once in my life speechless.
"That's what you came here to find out isn't it babe? Or was it to organise a, you know, conjugal visit"
I frown at him, "Fuck off Cook, not funny."
"So why are you here Naomi?"
For a second I think about lying to him about why I'm really here; then I remembered what happened when I tried that with Eff. My recent attempts at lying to everyone, including myself, have been abject failures. Time to try the truth.
"I came here to see if you were OK? Ems and I thought you could do with a friend visiting. Keep you sane you know? But you're right, we've got two crushed people at our house and..."
"Two?"
I bit my lip, hadn't really wanted to say that. Fucking truth, "Yeah Cook two, we've got Effy and Katie moping around our house because no one will tell us a fucking thing about what happened. Keep saying it's 'under investigation'. What happened Cook? What really happened that night? Can you give me something, anything to help those two out?"
"Do you really want to know Naomi? Do you really think Eff...erm..those two should know?"
"I'm not sure Cookie; I'm not sure about anything, but Effy's drowning and Katie's slipping away. My main concern is that between the two of them they're killing Emily and I'm not about to let that happen, tell me Cook, tell me everything. I'll just have to decide when and if they're ready to hear it. It'll be my burden then, not yours. You've got enough to deal with. So tell me Cook."
I glare at him, almost challenging him to stay silent. He just looks at me sadly.
"Question is Naomikins, can you handle it? Can you handle this for them?"
"I don't know babe" I tell him avoiding his look, not really knowing the answer. "I think I just have to try, for her...for their sake."
Cook just sits there for a second, his eyes lowered, then he took a deep breath and began his story.
***
The bus journey back is a miserable one, I manage to text Emily and ask her to pick me up at the bus station, I get a swift reply. I don't respond, can't really. If I have to I'll blame it on the network.
He's told me everything that happened, how he followed Foster from the shed, how he broke in, what he found, what he heard, what he did. It's all too much, it's a burden I don't fucking need and now I've got to decide whether Katie and Effy should know the truth. I can't bear this, it's not me, it's not the sort of thing I do, I'm not good at it. I'm having enough problems coming to terms with this 'new' fucking me, without having this pressure as well. Why the fuck did I volunteer to do this?
I know the reason, and I hope she's waiting for me.
I can't help but replay what Cook has said to me, over and over again. In all honesty it's not a lot more than we've pieced together from what the police have said, but its worse now. It's more personal, this came from Cook and he wouldn't lie; not about this.
He told me what John Foster said to him, every last word. I'm scared that Effy will go under when she hears it was all about her, that Freddie was killed to keep him away from her; because he wasn't good enough, Cook wasn't good enough, no one was good enough for Effy, no one but him. Only Dr fucking Foster believed he was good enough for Effy, and he was ready to kill for her.
How do you tell someone that fragile that their boyfriend died for them, was killed for them, without killing them as well?
How do you cope with having that pressure on your shoulders?
***
I trudge off the bus and see her, see the familiar orange scooter covered with drawings and graffiti, streamers and rabbit ears. She waves and I walk over my heart lifting a little as she grins at me, holding out my orange helmet.
"You ok hun?" she asks as I get closer. I nod, unconvincingly it seems as I'm pulled into a hug. "You don't look ok Naoms." 'Fuck'
"I'm feeling better now babe," I manage to say as I wrap my arms around her slender figure. "Do me a favour?"
She leans back and looks deep into my eyes; I can feel the prickling as tears begin to flow all over again.
"If I can," she replies smiling.
"Just hold me." I sob, finally falling apart, unwrapped by those big brown orbs. "I just need you to hold me, just for a while."
She grabs me tighter, pulling me close into her. I just need her to hold me to make all this go away, if only for a second. To lose myself in her embrace.
"That I can do babe, for as long as you need."
***
We ride back home in silence. I don't feel like talking; don't feel like smiling if the truth be told. I'm feeling better but still a bit fucked up. The journey isn't helping, I just want to hold on for dear life as Ems jinks and weaves through the afternoon traffic. Eventually we pull up at the house.
"You can let go now hun, we're home."
I open my eyes, "Really? We made it back alive?" My attempt at levity, barely.
She slides off the scooter and Gibbs-slaps me, it's ok the helmet took most of the force. Smiling a little I allow her to drag me up the path and through the door.
"You OK now?" she asks as we take off the helmets and fluff up our helmet-hair.
"Yeah, better now. Tough afternoon. Heard a lot of things I'd rather not remember."
"How is Cook?"
"Shit really, I think he's having a tough time. Trying to put a brave face on things though I think."
I walk into the living room and freeze; there are two sets of eyes on me. Just staring at me, disbelief and anger showing through the looks.
"So I take it he explained things, what did he...."
She broke off as she came into the room, saw Katie and Effy sat on the sofa just glaring at me.
"Shit."
"Fucking right 'shit' Emily." Katie yelled "What the fuck? You went to see Cook and didn't tell us?"
"No Katie," I find myself saying, "I went to see Cook, I didn't tell you. Don't shout at Emily. It's not her fault."
She just fixed me with a glare; one of those glares you think could kill you.
"Well?"
Effy this time, she looks pretty mad too. Guess I've fucked up again. Jesus, who'd be me?
"Fucking hell guys leave her alone. Naomi, stop trying to protect me. It was our decision not to tell you. You've both been so fucked up we didn't want to get your hopes up over nothing. Sorry you had to find out this way but it was for your own fucking good. Didn't see either of you two traipsing across the countryside to go see Cook. Fucking appreciate it ok?"
They look stunned. Ems is stood there with a look of thunder on her face; fuck she looks pissed off. She's knocked everyone off their stride, even me. I lean over and put my arm around her, stroking her shoulder gently before she explodes.
"Thanks babe. You shouldn't yell you know."
She looked across at me still seething, "and why not?" She demanded haughtily.
"Because people might think you're Katie, and that really wouldn't do." I smiled at her squeezing her shoulder. She let out a long breath and relaxed slightly. "There that's better," I said, "Now if people would stop shouting for one second we might be able to explain."
We all breathed for a second or two, I watched Katie slump back into the sofa and smile as Effy patted her on the knee.
"Nice to have you back Katie," I remarked, "I've missed you."
She glared at me again, "What? What the fuck are you on about Campbell?" she snapped.
"I think Naomi means she's missed your polite demeanour and your elegant turns of phrase Katiekins. I think she's implying in her own unique way that you've not been yourself recently."
"Missed you as well Eff."
The tension hung over the room for a second before Emily started sniggering, then without warning we were all laughing. Even Katie managed a laugh, though she still looked angry. I walked over to the sofa and hugged her.
"Meant it you know? I missed having the old Katie about. Who the fuck else am I going to get my masochistic kicks off now Ems adores me all over again and will defend my honour to her dying breath?"
"Fuck off Campbell."
I look over surprised only to see Emily smiling at me. I stick my tongue out at her, "see you do sound like her when you're angry."
I'm slapped on the back of the head…again! Fucking Katie…
"Ow, fuck off, the pair of you."
"Aw, poor Naomi, feeling victimised are you?"
Yeah, actually that's exactly how I'm feeling and I tell Effy exactly that. They do nothing but laugh at me. I decide to play along a bit and flounce out of the room and into the kitchen. I really need a drink and I assume they want me to talk to them. I can wait. Question is can they?.
***
It doesn't take long before Emily slinks into the room, slipping in behind me and wrapping her arms around my waist.
"Hi Katie," I say by way of greeting resulting in a squeeze and a snigger.
"Got some of that to share?" she asked nodding at the open bottle of wine on the side.
"Help yourself."
"You know they're both waiting for you don't you?"
I just smiled as she poured four glasses…hang on four glasses.
"Ems, you may not have noticed but I've got a glass."
"Well duh, I'm not blind you know. Katie's rung Karen; we thought that she'd want to hear anything Cook told you."
"Ems, about that. Cook told me something pretty awful, told me something about Effy, I'm not sure I should tell her, if I can tell her."
"What in case I go mad again?"
I turned to see Effy stood in the doorway; I don't know why I'm surprised really. For the last two years she seems to just appear from out of nowhere, like a fucking Ninja, just as something important is being said; especially when it's between me and Emily.
"Erm, No, no...No..."
"Yes" she finished for me, "Heard it before Campbell remember?"
Fair cop.
"So what is this awful thing that will throw me over the edge into insanity? Can you tell me now so I don't flip publically in front of everyone else?"
We just stare at her, she raises an eyebrow at me questioningly; suddenly there's a knock at the door.
"Saved by the bell Naomi, that'll be Karen," and with that she walks off to let her in.
Shit, why fucking me?
***
An hour later and I'm feeling like I'm in the fucking dock. I've told the story to them exactly as Cook told it to me. I've changed not one thing. Katie and Effy are clinging to each other on the sofa, eyes red. Karen looks like someone has punched her in the guts. Even Emily is crying and I'm just sat here answering every question I can holding on to Ems hand as she sits at my feet.
Eff I don't know what he meant, Cook just told me what he said."
"Karen he never mentioned a body, Cook doesn't know what Foster did with Freddie. Do you think he wouldn't have told the police by now?"
"Katie I don't know... I've told you everything Cook told me."
It's starting to get to me, it's hard enough to even tell them about this, but to see the accusing eyes every time I couldn't answer their questions was hurting. I'd done this for them and now all they want to do is interrogate me and think that I'm lying when I don't answer them. They don't say anything, but I can tell. I can see it written all over their faces, they're disappointed, and angry and I can't do this anymore, I just can't. Tears running down my face I let rip, all of the tension, all of the frustration all of the hurt.
"LOOK, I can't tell you any more, I don't know any more I wasn't fucking there OK! I'm sorry I'm not John Foster, I'm sorry I'm not James Cook, I CAN'T FUCKING TELL YOU ANYTHING ELSE. NOW, FUCKING.... ARGH, JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!"
Crushed and heartbroken I jump up and run, head out through the door and run over to the park. I stop under the tree by the mural; hands trembling I drag a box from my pocket, manage to light a cigarette and take a drag. Better, calmer. Inhale, exhale - that's all I need to do. Wipe my eyes, everything will be fine.
I'm halfway down the cigarette when I feel arms slip around my waist. I stand there looking over at the city, thinking about the last time I was here, with Cook doing much the same feeling lost, miserable, broken. I get a squeeze from the arms.
"Thanks Ems, but you should go back you know? Guests and all that."
"Wrong twin Campbell, thought you'd know us apart by now."
I leap out of her grasp like I've been scalded.
"What the fuck? Katie, fuck off, just leave me alone!" I'm deliberately averting my eyes, staring resolutely at the city below.
"No I won't fuck off Naomi. Look I've come to apologise; I, we, were a bit hard on you in there. But you've got to understand you're our only link. You're the only person that can tell us what Cook said."
"and I did Katie, all right? I've told you it over and over again. I've had to have this shit in my fucking head all fucking day. Had to wonder if you or Effy could cope with it, worry if Effy could survive knowing that bastard killed Freddie over her. Do you have any fucking idea how hard this was. Is?"
"No, and I'm sorry Naomi I really am. Look, come back in. I promise we won't ask you anything else."
I sigh, "You can't promise that Katie, you know you can't, you all want answers. I know you can't help yourselves. I'm sure I'd be the same if I was in your shoes. But there's nothing else for me to say."
I paused and threw away the cigarette reaching into the pack and grabbing another. "Give me a few minutes yeah? I'll come back in; I'll go over everything Cook said one more time, I'll try my best. OK? I just need a bit of time. This isn't fucking easy for me, just need to be alone."
I close my eyes and light the cigarette taking another deep drag. It's my one real vice at the moment. I'm cutting back on the booze and holding off on the drugs. But I do love my fags, especially at times like these. I feel her arms slip around me again and squeeze me.
"It's ok Katie, I said I'll be fine, I'll come back in a minute."
"Wrong twin Campbell, thought you'd know us apart by now."
I'd know that husky voice anywhere, I smile and lean back into the hug.
"Hey."
"Hey yourself, you feeling better?"
"Not really."
"They don't mean it you know, they're all a bit upset."
"I know, I'll apologise when I come in, it just got a bit much you know? Too much shit in my head with nowhere to go but out I'm afraid."
"Yeah, you know about that," she said slipping around so that she could face me. "You shouldn't bottle it all up you know? You should try to let it all go. Sometimes you need an emotional release or you'll just explode."
I looked down at her, big brown eyes, button nose, red lips, just beautiful. She looks back up at me and in a heartbeat we're both sniggering. I toss away my half smoked cigarette and flick her on the nose with a finger.
"Bitch," I say through laughs, "Come on then Miss Fitch, you'd better lead me back to my executioners."
***
We've sat and spoke for what feels like hours, thankfully this time most of the questions were aimed at the group, not all at me. The only problem is they're trying to work out the impossible, they're trying to get into the mind of a killer and they can't. You just can't do it. they're throwing around theories, little more than fantasies disguised as facts and they're getting nowhere. I've really had enough but no one wants to let it go. I feel like a toy in a terrier's mouth, battered and shaken. All I want now is to be left alone but they won't; can't. They can't let go of what I've told them. Won't stop grilling me.
Eventually however, when the endless questioning pauses Karen stands and faces me.
"Naomi, thanks for what you did. I really appreciate it. I need to get home, need to tell Dad what Cook said."
"You want us to call you a cab Karen," Emily asks, "It's getting late."
Karen smiles, I don't really know her but I'm definitely warming to her, she seems nice. A bit shallow, a bit too clichéd but genuine and I like that.
"I'll be fine thanks, I think I need to walk and it's not really that far. Thanks for everything guys, I'll call if I hear anything OK?"
There's the usual hugs all around and she's gone. I don't have a clue what she's going through. I wish I could have done more for her.
Katie stands, "Right who's for a drink then?" Effy winks at her, Emily just nods, Katie looks at me.
"Not for me, done for the day."
I really do want a drink, I just don't know what will happen if I start. I'm feeling the urge to drown myself in alcohol and I don't want to go there again.
"Lightweight."
Yeah whatever, I just smile and nod let her think that. It's better than the alternative. 'Hi, I'm Naomi and I'm terrified I'm becoming an alcoholic, terrified that every time things go bad I head for the bottle and dive in.' No, I'm not going down that road. Can't go down that road.
Katie's headed into the kitchen and I can hear her bustling around. Emily looks up at me from where she's been sitting at my feet.
"You hungry babe? You haven't eaten all day."
I shake my head, "No appetite hun, think I'm just going to go to bed."
She just looks at me, her eyes full of concern. I smile, trying to make it reach up to my eyes. I fail miserably. I hope she doesn't notice, know she probably will. I just hope I can sleep tonight, hope for the first time in a week that I don't dream, think about the easy way of making that happen...just for one night.
One last night of dreamless sleep won't hurt, will it.
***
Later that Evening - Emily
Is it wrong to hate your sister, to hate your friends?
Is it wrong to hate your girlfriend for putting herself through hell for other people?
I'm scared shitless at the moment and I've got no-one to turn to. Everything is falling apart around me just as it came back together; and I've got no idea how to fix it. Katie's a mess, Effy's not much better and Naoms' looks like she's falling apart. It's hard for me to watch someone that has always seemed so strong, so tough just collapse all over again.
Today's been rough on her, there's no doubt about that. But I think it's more than that; it's been days of this, dealing with all of this; Effy, Katie, even me. I know I'm hurting her, hurting us but I'm trying to keep it all in, it's just, Katies my sister...my twin sister and I hate seeing her like this. I guess the pressure has been building ever since Effy told us. I wonder if Naomi's been trying to hide it, you just don't see her explode like that. You just don't, I'm worried.
She's told us everything that Cook said, I've no doubt about that, I watched her cringe visibly when Eff broke down at her words, crush my hand in hers as Effy sobbed when Nai told her Freds had been murdered because of Fosters obsession with her. I think I watched a little part of my girl die just then.
It's so fucked up, it's only been days since she finally let down her barriers to me and now this has happened and I'm scared she's got no defences left to shield her from it all. It's not fucking fair that she's had to take all of this on her shoulders. This is a time when we are supposed to be happy, planning our future looking forward to our holiday, to our new life.
So why aren't we? Yeah, yeah, I know shit happens.
She's been crying again, she's snuck off to bed and she's been lying here alone crying. I can tell from her face, tear tracks streaked through her make up, her eyes red and puffy. Her pillow soaked. The guilt racks through me, I've been so concerned over Katie and Effy that I haven't been up here to check she's ok; see if she needed me, like she so obviously did.
All I can do is curl up next to her and wrap my arms around her sleeping frame, hoping that she'll realise I'm here, that I'm here for her. That I love her.
I kiss the side of her head and tell her just that, hoping that it will drift into her dreams and make her better. She rolls over and I pray that I haven't woken her up; she turns into my hug and mutters in her sleep. There's a soft thud from her side of the bed, something has fallen onto the floor, within seconds I know what it was. My nose wrinkles at the smell on her breath, I've smelt this before, several hundred times it feels; the sweetly alcoholic smell of cheap vodka.
She's drunk herself to sleep again, crying her eyes out, all alone.
I hug her tightly to me twisting myself to fit as tightly as I can against her body. I'm not going to let this go any further; I'm not going to lose her again, not like this.
It ends…tomorrow.