The time to leave hit Newt and Hermann like a ton of bricks. Every day that went by Newt told his boyfriend 'don't worry Herms… We still have two more weeks'. Then it was 'a week is a lot longer than you think it is' and then 'c'mon… we can do a lot of kissing and shit in 2 days'. On the last day Newt and Hermann just… held on to each other. Their classes had already been over for 3 days and Newt got his packing done early for once, so they stayed in bed all day talking, figuring out how they were going to continue their relationship because they were definitely staying together after this, because Newt wasn't about to give that guy up. That day passed even more quickly than the others and before they both knew it, Newt was standing just off to the side of the security line at the airport, small carryon on the floor by his feet, and holding onto Hermann like his life depended on it.
"You're gonna call me like, every night, right?" He said quietly, trying to keep his voice from shaking too much.
"Every night, Newt. Eleven o'clock, every night. And you'll e-mail me, right? "Hermann was apparently much worse at keeping his voice straight.
"Every freakin' day, man. I promise. Especially while I'm at home before I head back to MIT...and we'll find a way to see each other next summer for sure. I'll apply for another program over here, or maybe you could come to America!?"
"We'll both apply; whoever gets the better offer, ja? And...and you will think about coming to TU?" This was a conversation that they had had while lying in bed the previous day
"Like I said, if I can get a scholarship I'll be over here as soon as I can but… I have to go or I'll never get through security before my flight leaves." He said that with the intention of letting go, but it didn't happen. He just held on tighter.
"Just...don't forget me," Hermann said, leaning back enough to be able to press his lips to Newts. "You should go, you're right." Newt felt his grip begin to slack and he gave Hermann one last tight squeeze
"How could I ever forget you? You're probably the best person I've ever met. Like, In my entire life. You know that…" Once again Newt noticed a few abnormal cracks in his voice, but they had both promised that they were not going to cry. Crying meant that they were saying goodbye and that wasn't what was happening. This was… temporary.
Finally Newt couldn't justify standing still any longer and he dropped his arms, and bent down to pick up his bag off the floor. "I love you." He said firmly, leaning in to kiss Hermann on the forehead. "And I will see you as soon as I possibly can."
"I love you, too, Newt. Text me when you're through security and when you land, so I know you're alright."
"Alright, I'll try not to die in a horrible plane crash, kay?" Judging by Hermann's expression, he was not amused. "I was kidding… I'll be fine. Goodby- wait.. no… See you later, Hermann." One more kiss and he was rushing to get into the line before it got any larger. They were going to be okay… the long distance relationship thing would be hard but they could definitely manage! They loved each other, right? Yeah. Newt would miss Hermann, but they would be fine. It wasn't the end of the world, or of their relationship. Everything was going to be okay.
OoOoO
"...in which case ha, I also win...sort of. Going in in three, two one..." Hermann was fairly certain that Newt hadn't recorded anything else of use, and didn't particularly care to listen to the choked gasps he could barely hear through the cheap audio recorder Newt used during dissections. He didn't...he hadn't wanted to hear any of that, and for the first time he could remember he cursed his curiosity.
It was just...he had seen that the recording was still running and stopped it and, out of curiosity, listened back to the recording. He had hoped for something reassuring; Newt rattling off safety precautions or statistics or...something that made Hermann feel more confident about the next trial.
Instead, he listened to...that. He struggled to find a word to describe it, not wanting to say the word he found most accurate, because it wasn't that. Newt was making a scientific record of a groundbreaking experiment, definitely not (Come now, thinking it won't make it true) a...a Selbstmordanmerkung. Just because he had locked the door as though he didn't want anyone to come in too soon, to interrupt, just because he had undertaken something that was not only likely, but almost certain to kill him, just because he had left a message blaming someone for his probable demise, that didn't necessarily mean that the recording was a suicide note.
Newton would never do something as stupid...as reckless as...as irresponsible as...would he?
Of course, that didn't matter, not really. Even if it was Newton's goal, he had failed. He was alright, mostly, and...and Hermann could make modifications to the equipment, could try to account for the incredible neural load, try to keep Newt safe. Safe from the kaiju, safe from himself, safe.
That...that was the least Hermann could do. If...if the recording was exactly what Hermann most feared, if Newt had preferred the idea of dying a hero to spending another moment in Hermann's company, then making sure it didn't work was the least he could do. The rest...he didn't know if he could, if he would be able to…
Gott, every path he could see in the future was paved in pain. If the second drift failed and Newt died in such a way that it was no one's fault but Hermann's, if Newt lived but...tried again in such a way that couldn't be stopped, if Newt survived and pretended everything was the same, if he survived and didn't and Hermann tried to ease off, if he survived and Hermann pretended nothing had changed...there was no good choice, not in the lot. Each potential future had its own set of guilt. of loss, of pain, and the mathematician couldn't quite decide he would want.
His life, at this point, resembled a single-variable function with two horizontal asymptotes defined by a series of vertical asymptotes, each approaching negative infinity, and even the local maximum points were at the same negative value. Yes, he knew that any event that involved Newt's death would...break Hermann, just like the breakdown of simple algebra at division by naught. Yes, he hoped that Newton would live, but beyond that, there was no optimal solution; every single possibility was equally damaging.
And damn Newton for that! Hermann had already experienced more than enough damage at the hands of that fool already, he didn't need anything else! Damn him! Damn that recording! Damn….everything! Hermann kicked the edge of a table with his bad leg hard enough to feel the impact, then did so again and again and again, because damn that fool! Hermann had been satisfied with his life. He had a wife and a child on the way, he was the head of his own department of research, he had his life together. He hadn't been happy, no, but that was something Hermann had long since abandoned as a life goal. He had been successful, and that had been enough until that verdammt Idiot came back into his life.
And now, now Hermann had nothing. He had no wife, no child, no personal life to speak of, a professional life that was likely to waste down the drain very quickly if this didn't work, and, well, if this didn't work they'd likely all die anyway, but that wasn't the point. It was as if Newt's return had cast a black cloud over the entirety of Hermann's life, taking absolutely everything he had. And now, now Newt wasn't content with being the apparent turning point of Hermann's life for the worse not once, but two damn times, but he had the audacity to blame Hermann for whatever might be wrong in his.
Fine. Fine, then. Hermann would do what was necessary, whatever it took to keep Newt alive. And he wanted to say that he would finally get his back, finally wrest control of his life from that Scheißkerl, whatever it took. Or, maybe, he wanted to say that he'd comfort the man and perhaps...perhaps he could set aside past wrongs. But, right now, Hermann didn't know. He didn't know, and didn't care, not yet.
He left the lab and hobbled over to LOCCENT, awaiting the command to bring the equipment to Newt. He had a job to do, and by Gott, he was going to do it.